Join Date: Apr 2004
Premier League Review - New Old Spurs, Old New Alan Shearer, and the Race for Relegation
Instead of going into the detailed ins and outs of this weekend's football, I've decided it'll be easier to roll up a list of things that don't or didn't really make sense, or that even if they do make sense, probably shouldn't. So, as follows:
Everyone blaming John Terry for Villas Boas being sacked - Now, I'm not one to shirk a good bit of Terry bashing (I'd prefer to see his face literally bashed into a brick wall, repeatedly, but you take what you can get). In fact, earlier, I'd also decided to blame John Terry for Villas Boas being sacked, but then later I thought about it a bit more...well, I thought about it at all, briefly, whilst eating a biscuit. What is this blame actually based on? Has John Terry deliberately played badly? Does John Terry threaten his team mates into sulking through the middle part of every season? Did John Terry tell Villas Boas to keep playing or bringing on Florent Malouda in place of players who are much better than him? Does he march routinely into Roman Abramovic's office and shout "right, you Russian whore, here's what we're going to do next!"? John Terry is a big problem for us all. A stain on the human race that refuses to wash out, but for Chelsea and their continuous sacking of managers, he is surely not THE problem. The problem is the guy above his and the manager's head whose impatience blinds him from reason. The other side of this problem is that removing Abramovic will also remove the need for Chelsea to find a new manager, ever again. There are more than enough valid reasons to hate John Terry without having to invent new ones.
Liverpool fans chanting "Luis Suarez, he does what he wants" - No he doesn't. Luis Suarez wants to score goals, and he doesn't actually appear to be very good at it. He's good at nearly scoring them...Luis Suarez nearly does what he wants? The other thing he wants to do is racially abuse other players, and though he appears to be more succesful at this, he's not actually allowed to do it, ever. You can't just chant things that are the opposite of the truth. You don't hear Fulham fans chanting "we are the champions" You don't go to a Take That concert and start-up a rendition of "you're not singing anymore". Stop being morons.
Arsenal players all shaking hands with each other after the final whistle - In a remarkable act of sportsmanship, Arsenal players took time after their game on Saturday to all huddle into a big group, and shake hands...with each other, whilst completely ignoring the opposition players. Sorry, did I say sportsmanship? I meant "pompous twattery". Do they always do this? Or is it only when they win (which would explain why I've barely noticed it this season until now)? Why do I get the feeling this is all Thierry Henry's fault?
Newcastle and Sunderland playing each other in their home kits - Please stop this. It makes absolutely no sense. They both have black shorts, they both have predominantly white shirts. It is therefore difficult to those of us whose eyesight cannot distinguish the different shades of green in each blade of grass from half a mile away, to tell each of them apart. Norwich were forced to play in their away kit at Stoke on Saturday, despite their shirts being BRIGHT YELLOW. How is bright yellow a closer colour scheme to red, black and white, than black, black and white is? We're supposed to trust referees to make instant and near impossible calls correctly and consistently, when they can't even tell that bright yellow is less similar to white than white is?
Sigurdsson's Fifa 2012 fish celebration - Look mate, computer simulations are supposed to copy real life, not the other way around. Don't start confusing the boundaries between real life and fantasy even more than they already have been. It's bad enough that Ashley Young's right foot comes with a built-in "Fifa fines shot" button. I don't want to wake up one morning and find I can't go out because I've been disconnected from EA servers.
Vincent Kompany's twitter - I don't want to like Vincent Kompany, so it's annoying that the most dislikable thing I can pin him down to is thinking the word "save" is spelt with an f. Even that's just kind of cute. Bugger off, you cuddly headed little scamp!
Wolves, Wigan and Bolton's "Who can be the most shit" competition - When is someone going to tell them they're doing it wrong? Now is traditionally the time of the season when relegation threatened teams scrap and fight for every point, every goal...every ball. On the other hand, if you put the positive efforts of these three together, all you'd get is a slightly unnarsed Aston Villa. It's like they're challenging each other to find ways to get worse. You don't get a prize for finishing below everyone else. Unless you count a weekend trip to play Doncaster in September and having Gary Megson appointed manager as prizes.
Manchester United's ball retention - Here we have a team with two of the best players in the league at keeping the ball in central midfield, surrounded by the kind of technically gifted footballers most teams are lucky if they have even one of, and yet for the last two weeks they've displayed a will and ability to retain possession that would be considered shameful for most Sunday League sides. Insisting on somehow winning games by sitting so deep that even when they do pick up the ball, the only viable option is to hack it up the pitch in the manner of a semi-pro outfit trying to cling on for their precious FA Cup replay. This is the equivalent to entering a race against a field of Ford Fiestas with an F1 Ferrari, getting to the front of the grid, and then driving round the whole track in first gear trying to block off anyone from overtaking you. This is almost certainly incredibly spoilt of me, but as a football fan I actually find it makes for depressing viewing, because, although the battling qualities are admirable, it's a criminal waste of talent. As a United fan naturally I couldn't care less what I think, as long as United win.
New Tottenham - I said it last week and I'll say it again now. What is new about them? I'm told they're stronger than ever, have a backbone they never before possessed, and are only going up. In reality, they've bottled every big game this season, were out of Europe before Christmas, seem to be in the midst of an Arsenal esque crumble down, and are in increasingly credible danger of finishing fifth in a three-horse race. New Tottenham are more old Tottenham than old Tottenham were. It's just that everyone else has gotten worse.
...and to round off, here are some random awards;
Hero of the weekend - Van Persie takes it for his god-like winning goal and smug post game interview. Pointing out (correctly) to Geoff Shreeves that no, his goal wasn't the same as the one he scored at Everton at all, because this time he deliberately used the inside of his foot to guide it into the opposite corner. Before then smiling knowingly to the camera and presumably shaking his own hand for taking the time out to be interviewed by someone.
Chant of the weekend - Wolves fans, usually revered for the merciless booing aimed at their own players, chirped in with "you only sing when you're rowing" at Fulham today, all whilst their side cruised to their latest hiding. It admittedly brought me a level of amusement.
Nonsense claim of the weekend - Proclamation from a friend during Match of the Day that Alan Shearer "doesn't look like Alan Shearer anymore"...He looks exactly like Alan Shearer. He's had the exact same face since he was about 18 months old.