Stave Five
A few short hours later, the cock crew…no I don’t mean Rio’s possie, twats, I mean the cockerel started crowing…and the luminous, numinous Day dawned. The snow lay deeply bedded, the air was sharp and fresh, and the joyous song of the birds seemed to herald the renewal of God’s promise to mankind…at least, it seemed that way to stupid people… obviously, the birds weren’t saying shit - and if they were, it was about worms and twigs and so forth. They’re essentially imbeciles - the scrawny-legged, plague-bearing, cnuts.
“Hello, Slabberneezer!” said Thomas M. “Merry Christmas!””
“Hello spastic,” said Slabberneezer. “Merry Christmas to you too.”
redmarlie was unimpressed. “So I see you’ve learnt nothing from your experience last night,” he said.
“On the contrary,” replied Slaberneezer, “I’ve learned everything. I’ve realised that my time here is precious. Soon the place will be entirely unbearable, so I must seize the day, and put all my powers of invention into calling as many people as humanly possible gay, spastic and racist, right here, right now. That is my mission,that is my duty. Don’t you see,
that is how I reach out to people, how I touch their lives - in short, how I love them. In the sense of, ‘hate them’.”
“But what about poor Tainio Tim, and the bees?”
“Fuck Tainio Tim,” said Slabberneezer, “Fuck the bees.”
redmarlie rolled his eyes, called Slabberneezer a stuck-up little prick, and went off to talk about what kind of woman was the nicest to discuss architecture in.
Meanwhile, Flashwok was just arriving.
“Merry Christmas, Spazi,” said Slabberneezer.
Flash burst into tears, and rang the police, and then apologised and offered to make up.
Marching was doddering about in the Matchday Forum.
“Merry Christmas, retired retard,” said Slabberneezer.
noodlehair too was on the scene, being affable and amusing.
“Merry Christmas, spasta-hair,” observed Slabberneezer, “You’re gay!”
And so it went on, with Slabberneezer offering Yuletard greetings to everyone he came across: “Merry Christmas thicko, you’re gay, that’s racist, cockbiscuit, you’re a rapist, fuck off you spastic, cocktard, shut up Richter, su’agoaws, that’s racist, gimptard, you’re a Nazi, cockbiscuit spasmo racist Richtard noncebiscuit rapetard su’aspaz gaycist, spockbiscuit…”
“Merry Christmas all and one,” interrupted Devilish - the real one, not the boring counterfeit - “I had wished at this fistive season we would do less slatting and more sledging!”
“Eeeueueueueueuuuung!” replied everybody, in joyful chorus.
And so it was, that Christmas Day became a huge feast of calling each other gay spastics, the like of which will not be bettered on this good old site, or any other good old forum, or good old message-board, or good old psychiatric ward, in the good old, gay spastic world. Every kind of poster, genius to Detinu, match-going red to Murt, joined in, until it could truly be said that this was indeed a Merry Christmas, with Many Happy Retards.
And the happiest of all, was Slabberneezer Scrooge.
(The gay spastic).
And together, they all sang:
We Three Mongs
Right to left:
"Iiiiiiiii!"
"Noouuhahahaha!!"
"Uuuuuuuuuuuuuh..."
These three mongs, are murdering threads:
MUFC, Robbo and Fred
Moaning, sniping, groaning, griping
Isn’t it time for bed?
Oh -
Rants of rage and flights of fear
Droughts of hope and floods of tears
Gaytard leading, spaz succeeding
Numpty bringing up the rear…
These three mongs, are causing distress:
Boring, Marching, DJS
Football forum, futile mo-orons
Feck off to Inverness
Oh –
Who won what and which was when?
Mad, obsessed, autistic men
Round in circles, going purple
Boring’s name is really Sven…
These three mongs escaped all my gags:
MUM, and Kippax and Babs
They’re alright but that’s not ri-i-ight -
Call them gay spastics, Slabbs
Oh -
Laura’s name’s not on that list
Cos I’ve seen her recent pic
We were wrong, it’s 4 to 1
She’s not a man, and is quite fit.
Richter the Redcaf Retard
I’m Richter, lol
Richter, the Redcaf Retard
Was a pretty pointless gay
And if you ever saw him
You would walk the other way
All of the other retards
Treated him like their pet chimp
All except for Very Ruudolf,
Who recognised a fellow gimp
Then one faggy Christmas Eve
Slabber came to say:
“Richter, you retarded wretch
You’ve been busted stalking Pletch”
Now all the other retards
Simply tell him to “Shut up” -
Then he posts the laughing smilie
The paraplegic Swedish cnut!
A Gay and a Monger
Gayforce: Can I stick this finger up your arse?
Andycap: Fiiiiinguuuuuh!
A gay and a-a monger,
A poof and a spoon
A queer and a scoper
A queen and a goon
A fruit and a raspberry
A mincer, a spud
A bumboy, a dumbo
A ducky, a dud
Rear-ender and retard
The soft and the slow
The hairless, the harmless
Here Nancy, meet Joe
A wearer of aprons
And a wearer of bibs
A homo, a remo
A fag and a flid
The sinful and the simple
No-brawn and no-brain
The camp and the crippled
The limp and the lame
A sucker of penis
Meets a licker of panes…………
It’s G4orce, and Andy………….
To-, ge-, ther, a-a, -gain!
Eeueueueuueueueueueu!
The End.
Merry Christmas, spastics!
Post your own versions of classic Christmas carols here if you like, cnuts