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What's the definition of the bravest man in the world?
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, slaps his wife on the arse, and says, "You're next fatty."
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Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm, and says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." The wife replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep." Says the man, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase, and asks what she's doing.
She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."
The husband starts packing too, and when she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too - I want to see how you live on £800 a year."
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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a lettuce, some tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon. As she unloaded it all on to the belt, she noticed that a drunk was watching intently. After he while, he said "I'll bet you are single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by his intuition as she was indeed single. She looked at the items she'd bought and saw nothing to indicate her marital status. Curiousity got the better of her and she said "Well, you know what - you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you guess?"
"You're firggin' ugly," replied the drunk.
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