Originally Posted by Anderson23

A semi-retired construction engineer called Norman walks into a bar and orders a double whiskey on the rocks. Looking around he notices that the gentleman sat down the bar from him had a small orange for a head. Somewhat bemused at this perculiar sight, he shuffles down the bar towards him and catches his gaze.

"Hello there, my name is Norman".

An awkard silence decended, so Norman tried to advance the conversation.

"I couldn't help but notice that you have a small orange for a head, which is a very perculiar sight indeed. May I ask how this strange condition came to be?"

"Well," said the man, "it is a very long tale of triumph and despair - so I will only spin this yarn if you have time to listen".

Norman glanced at his watch and noted that he had plenty of time before he was due to have his large hemorrhoid examined at the doctors across the street. "I have plenty of time, so please continue," he replied.

"Well," said the man, "it all began a year ago during my time as a soldier. I was on the front line in Iraq with the 21st batallion. We were on a routine border patrol north of Kut when we were hit by a savage dust storm, a storm that raged for hours and refused to release us from its grip. Eventually the veil of night began to fall - and with no chance of a helicopter evac we had to hunker down for the night. While I was digging a shelter I made an incredible discovery - a gold lamp."

The man took a generous sip from his bourbon, and with a grim shake of his head he continued, "... that lamp. That damn lamp... I wish I'd never set eyes on the blasted thing. It turned me into this hiddeous freak... this aberration of God! Every time I catch my reflection I curse the moment I found that lamp."

Norman shifted on his stool awkwardly, shielding the hemorrhoid from any unnecesary friction. "So," Norman said thoughtfully, "tell me more about this lamp".

"Well," said the man, "I took the lamp back with me to base the next morning and began to clean off the sand and grit. Whilst cleaning it the most incredible thing happened... from the spout a magical cloud did flow and right there before my eyes a genie materialised! He was gowned in the finest silk robes and wearing a crown of diamonds. Naturally he offered me four wishes, and the first was an easy one to make. I wished to be back home with my family, away from the bloodshed and pain. The genie clicked his fingers and in a moment of surreal detachment I was transported through a mirage of color for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually these colors began to reassemble themselves into a coherant pattern, and sure enough I was back home with my family, and it was as if I had never left."

Norman polished off his whiskey and pondered over the sanity of his drinking partner. A Genie? Wishes? It all sounded a little far fetched. Having said that he could not doubt the authenticity of his ailment and surely a condition this bizarre could not be caused by something from this sphere of reality.

"Of course," continued the man, "I realised that I still had three wishes left, so my second wish was to be rich... so wealthy nothing was beyond my ownership or control. Again the genie clicked his fingers, and in that instant I had all the money I could ever spend. Naturally I bought a large house for my family and an expensive car. I also saw that my friends were financially secure for the rest of their lives and treated my wife to a boob job. However, it still wasn't enough." The man gently rotated his wrist, spinning the melting ice around the base of his glass. "So for the next wish I asked to be irresistible to attractive women. For a while I had the most incredible life... not only did I have more money than the rest of the world put together, I had every beautiful women salivating over me. Days of drinking and gambling were followed by nights of sexual indulgence and experimentation. I was losing my grip on reality - so I had to use the final wish. I had to free myself from the person I was becoming."

Norman saw the pain in his eyes and the sorrow eched across his very being. "So what brought you to this point? How did you end up with this ghastly mutilation?" asked Norman.

The man sat upright and turned to face him. His eyes glazed, his brow furrowed. "Well, I'd already wished for all the money in the world, and to be able to have any beautiful women, to me the next wish was clear...










(wait for it)




























"I wished I had a small orange for a head."