Same format this week…things that either don’t, or shouldn’t make sense. A change of title though. Two reasons. Firstly “Premier League Review” sounded a bit too much like the sort of program that usually comes on Sky Sports 4 at about 2am, and turns out to be a 25 minute interview with Swansea’s third choice left back. Secondly, because sooner or later some smart arse would no doubt chirp in with “that didn’t happen in the Premiership though”, and then I’d have to change the whole bleeding thing just to come back and pretend they’re wrong. Anyway:
Anglo-American rivalry – They’re trying, but they still don’t quite get it. There was a video on The Guardian website this week of David Beckham calmly removing a beer can from the pitch before taking a corner, appropriately titled “Beckham beer can fury”
The video was from a game between LA Galaxy and Toronto FC. The first thing to note from this video was that the corner flag appeared to have a small yellow cone attached to the bottom of it. Obviously this shouldn’t be. Secondly, the home crowd, eager to voice their disapproval of yank representing David Beckham, did so by chanting “Beckham” at him repeatedly. Now, is it just me, or has something gone horribly amiss here? The spirit of rival player taunting has clearly been lost in translation. Where are the vile insults? The small children in the front row giving the v sign? Where is the uncontrolled irrational pure hatred? Why did everyone start laughing instead of swearing furiously when Beckham set up a goal from the resulting corner? Anglo-Americans; the harder they try, the harder they fail.
UEFA referees – What’s a good sign that the officiating of football has started to get a bit daft? …how about when a player is penalised for kicking the ball, with his foot.
Blindsman – The early game this week featured Bolton and QPR (for some reason), and you have to wonder what the point is sometimes. You run across your marker, you time your run perfectly to meet the cross, you head the ball into the goal, you turn to celebrate…but unfortunately you’re in Bolton and it’s Saturday lunch time, and the only person who would agree to run the line is “blind Bob”…an actual blind man employed by the FA so they can make him help officiate Bolton’s home games by tricking him into thinking he’s somewhere else.
QPR, the team of three teams – At the start of the season, they had a lack of top flight pedigree in their starting line up, so they went out and bought half a new team to fix things…then for the middle part of the season, their revitalised side was let down by a lack of quality in the final third…so they went out and bought a load of strikers in January. Now, their strikers look capable of winning games, but there’s no one to pass the ball to them because the rest of the team has mysteriously turned useless. I feel sorry for both Warnock and Hughes (or would do if it was actually possible for either of them to get any more miserable than they already were). QPR are the football team version of the rubix cube…and not just any rubix cube, one that has seven colours despite only having six sides.
Charlie Adam, the midfielder – This weekend was the final nail in the coffin…He isn’t a midfielder. He doesn’t know how to play there. He doesn’t position himself correctly or look to provide an option for his team mates. He’s basically a “pass!” version of Darron “shoot!” Gibson. At least if you combined the two of them you might get, well…someone who doesn’t know how to play in midfield (or pass, or shoot). Sort of what a hideously failed experiment to try and clone Frank Lampard would be like. A lot of teams seem to be having problems with midfield this season. Manchester City occasionally have to rely on Gareth Barry to play well, Arsenal pinned their hopes on someone who with each passing week, gets two weeks further away from fitness, United have become confused as to who their midfielders actually are, and as a result refused to spend any money making their midfield better, and Liverpool have spent loads of money making theirs worse.
The Old Trafford slope of death – It claimed another victim this weekend. Or at least it would have had it not decided to pick on Phil Jones (Where other players would slide helplessly into the advertising hoarding, Jones leapt over it, throwing himself towards the floor, daring it not to move out of his way). Why does this slope exist? Do they just lay each new pitch on top of the previous one at Old Trafford? By 2020, any player who slides off the edge of the pitch during a United home game will simply disappear into the gap between the touch-line and the stadium roof, never to be seen again.
Kit watch – Last week, officials deemed Norwich’s BRIGHT YELLOW kit too similar to the red and white of Stoke. This week, it was deemed too similar to Wigan’s blue (yes, blue) kit, and Wigan were forced to play in their away kit instead…which as it turned out was also blue, just a slightly darker shade of blue, with bits of yellow on it. I have to admit I’m struggling a lot with this. Just…why?
Twitter rumours -
“guys, according to @IAMFULLOFSHIT Pogba’s already signed a deal at Juventus for £20k a week…that’s 3k less than United were offering!” RT RT RT
These people are the scurge of the earth, and worse, are the ones who actually believe them, or who don’t believe them, but don’t quite not believe them enough to just dismiss it, so make some daft comment like “I’m not sure how much we should read into this”
If you’re “not sure” how much you should read into something someone just made up on twitter, you’re an idiot. You people are responsible for every stupid rumour, every contract saga, every muppet infested transfer deadline day. I hope you all die.
And some random awards:
Hero of the week – Athletic Bilbao take the award for managing to play a bit like Barcelona, without acting a bit like Barcelona. I realise Athletic Bilbao aren’t a person, but all of their players basically look like the same person, except for Llorente who looks like the same person but slightly taller.
The Harry Redknapp chump of the week award – Everton FC “ok Harry, we’ll let you have Saha as long as we have a gentlemen’s agreement that you wont play him against us”
Randomly remembered player award – Abel Xavier…that guy who looked like Father Christmas. He was at Everton for years and then suddenly, without ever actually leaving Everton, was half way through his first season at Liverpool. After this he made a habit of suddenly appearing for random teams midway through games or seasons…even though he’d still never actually left Everton, or Liverpool. Most recently when I was watching a Chelsea pre season game, and there he was, playing against them for some team I’d never heard of.
I'm looking forward to hearing the roar come through when we all realised the score. Love Pearce's enthusiasm too, take note Tyler.
Why IS it there though?
It's confused me for years. No other club has a slope of death.
Are they just really really slowly trying to build a moat? Is Old Trafford secretly built around a football pitch shaped volcano? It's only a matter of time before one of the twins kills themselves.
Nice review noodle. Another great read.
Kit clashes are stupid. Sometimes they change kits when there's no need like in the examples you give, then at times they don't change the kits when they really should - usually the team involved in the latter case is City...
It's confused me for years. No other club has a slope of death.
Are they just really really slowly trying to build a moat? Is Old Trafford secretly built around a football pitch shaped volcano? It's only a matter of time before one of the twins kills themselves.
Specifically fredthered's response:
I asked the very same question to an Everton Groundsman, and he told me its to help drainage. The water can be brushed over the pitch and then down onto the sides thus keeping the pitch clear of water even if the sides are 6" under water.
Thats what he told me about Everton, and I guess the same must apply for OT.
Cracking read. The Slope of Death made me chuckle.
Kit clashes are stupid. Sometimes they change kits when there's no need like in the examples you give, then at times they don't change the kits when they really should - usually the team involved in the latter case is City...
This thread might help: http://www.redcafe.net/f6/pitch-old-trafford-160498/
Specifically fredthered's response:
So basically then, it actually is to very slowly make a moat.
"In December 2009, Xavier quit football. He also converted to Islam and has changed his first name to Abel X."
No matter how hard you try, you will never become a real Street Fighter, Abel.
Cracking read by the way.
"United have become confused as to who their midfielders actually are, and as a result refused to spend any money making their midfield better,"
Actually, United have become confused where the midfield is.
Glad I'm not the only one who thought all of Bilbao's players seemed the same.
Noods is a genius.
The Old Trafford slope of death gag was hilarious.
I wish I could write with this imagination.