RedCafe.net

I did this last year, and never one to miss the chance to cannibalise my own material, I’m doing it again this….There was space for it, so naturally, I attacked it.

Also available in two healthy bite-sized chunks on Football Fancast (Fuck you Brad!)..Please do click the links or rate it if you have the time my fellow Space Attackers

Football Fancast – Deadline Day Part 1

Football Fancast – Deadline Day Part 2

As transfer deadline day approaches, withering yet more precious life fragments from our ultimately pointless existences, like a child whose pined all Christmas for that dream present only to find Santa has given it to that rich brat down the road and he’s been left to make do with a barely functioning second hand training bike on loan from Wigan which his father had to sell his favorite jumper to afford – now’s as good a time as any to compile a list! And surely it’s that time again where we mockingly predict things that are inevitably likely to happen on planet football before the window closes, finally affording us sweet, blessed, gentle release from the madness, and all that endless, endless speculation.

1. People still standing outside in front of things – People love standing in front of things. I know I do. Usually I like to stand facing them though, enabling me to get a good juicy view of the particular thing of interest I’m standing in front of, which is a luxury rarely afforded to the unenviable roving reporter on transfer deadline day, whose function is merely to stand in front of something related to the clubs his transfer report is concerning. This is almost always a stadium or training ground, despite the fact that standing outside, in front of it affords him no advantage in gaining any insight into the transfer itself, and if anything actually hinders him, as said transfer is unlikely to be instigated, enacted or completed on the street across the road from a stadium, surrounded by an unwelcome gaggle of excitable kids all desperate to do something silly on television. But such is the rise in prominence of self accessible Twit-formation that the quaint old television reporter is these days required to prove he’s actually doing something worthy of being paid for. They’ll still receive the crucial breaking news five minutes after everyone on Twitter, but at least they’re outside being annoyed by kids.

Probability of seeing people standing pointlessly outside in front of things - 10.

2. Harry Redknapp in a car – People love their cars. I know I do. But Harry Redknapp loves his car more, which is why he conducts all of his interviews from it. Rarely can you switch on Sky Sports News without seeing ‘Arry beaming mischievously from out of his car window whilst telling a group of wild, roving reporters how little he actually knows about his own transfer dealings, what his players are up to, or tactics. He does this so frequently that some reporters are stationed permanently in the Spurs car park, living only off Twiglets and discarded energy bars, waiting patiently for sustenance from the teat of wheeler dealing wisdom. Thankfully they’re kept well nourished as ‘Arry is always on the move somewhere in his car, often being interviewed toing and froing several times in a single day. This is likely because he spends most of his days hunting bargain strikers around the country, or possibly simply because he knows if he goes home he’ll be forced into another tortuous game of Wii tennis with his son, daughter in-law and that other one no one recognises.

Probability of seeing Harry Redknapp talking from inside his car - 8

3. Wesley Sneijder signing for Manchester United – I’m pretty confident about this one. Mainly because Wesley Sneijder has already signed for Manchester United. About seven times by my reckoning, not including the once he signed for Manchester City. To be more accurate (which would be wholly out of step with the practices of tabloid journalism) he’s “agreed a deal” with United about seven times, probably about nine by the time this goes to print. Inter Milan have agreed around four of those deals, whilst Sneijder himself has agreed personal terms twice, but also failed to agree them six times and The Daily Mirror has agreed terms with all of them at least three times a week for the last month. Such is the declining scoop potential of print journalism that tabloids often feel the need to pre-emptive strike transfer stories in the hope of hitting at least some of their targets before the twin beasts of rolling news and the internet steal their thunder and precious, precious readers. In this regard the Dutchman’s fourteen current moves to Old Trafford can merely be considered collateral damage. As can 8 of every 10 transfers reported in a red top.

Probability of Wesley Sneijder signing for Manchester United - 0 or 10, depending on who you follow on Twitter.

4. A journalist attempting to boost his followers on Twitter with an impending exclusive – People love Twitter. I know I do. But journalists don’t, especially when they’re being contradicted by a player they’ve just written a nonsense story about, instantly rendering their status as the “in the know” middle man redundant and faintly pathetic. What journalists do love though is breaking exclusives, even if they haven’t got one. At various points in the next week, some hack or other will attempt to drum up some free publicity for whatever drivel he’s written by announcing a disingenuous and misleading exclusive reveal at a specific time in the near future. This will begin with something along the lines of “Big news on Sneijder, will tell all at 6” only to eventually reveal that he’s dropped a Cornetto on his wife’s favorite shoes or momentarily put a cat in a bin. This will inevitably lead to a barrage of abuse, but not before he’s boosted his online following exponentially amongst the army of gullible idiots who followed him to get the exclusive on his exclusive. This ploy can also be used to drum up excitement around some actual but uninteresting or obvious transfer news, such as “Big development re:Arsenal, full story at 4” - “Wenger says he’s happy with his squad if he doesn’t sign anyone.” Luckily there’s a simple tactic to figuring out this crafty ruse and avoiding the inevitable let down – Don’t be an idiot.

Probability of journalists disingenuously telegraphing their own uninteresting invented stories - 9

5. Someone burning their shirt – Nothing confuses wives, girlfriends or the uninitiated more than the strange fixation overweight middle aged men have with garish figure hugging polyester sports clothing intended for young, lean athletes. In any other context such an obsession would be madness, bordering on the grotesque, but in football it symbolises the passion, intensity, depth of feeling and the levels of self flagellation one is willing to go to for ones beloved club. However sometimes a shirt can come to embody all the contemptible, disloyal, traitorish aspects of the game, especially if it’s emblazoned with the name of a recently departed player, and in such cases, it must pay. With fire! No transfer window would be complete without the sight of a disproportionately angry fan taking to the streets (preferably behind a reporter standing in front of something) to display his raging primitive anger in the only tangible way he knows how. By burning a £50 carcinogenic shirt in the open air in front of television cameras. Some would say that burning your own club shirt is counterproductively burning your own crest with it, but such people clearly don’t appreciate just how cool fire is.

Probability of someone burning their shirt - 7

6. Parting swipes - It’s almost impossible these days to sign for a club and be genuinely gracious to your dearly departed. Even those who act respectful after the fact have usually spent the best part of two years striking or claiming to have been horsewhipped in the back of a merchant vessel in 18^th century Africa. Such is the hideous awfulness of being a feted twenty something millionaire that upon leaving one club for another it is now mandatory to take some kind of parting shot at your former club, or it’s fans or, failing that, the closest rival of your new employers. New fans are always amazing of course and infinitely better than old fans, and it’s important to stress how much this new fan amazingness was crucial in your decision to move. And not, of course, a better chance of regular playing time or a whole industrial water tank full of money. Footballers really do love their fans. As long as they’re the new fans they haven’t played for yet. This is particularly prevalent if a(nother) player signs for Manchester City, whereupon it’s stipulated firmly in their contract that they must mention that all the football fans in Manchester support them, and not the evil, declining, Surrey based United. Failure to do this will result in the collective shunning of said player, and the whole of Eastlands will turn their backs on them…..erm…..or something.

Probability of a player making an unnecessary parting shot at his former club and/or gratuitous brown nose to his new - 10

7. Last minute cramming – Like a spotty teen the night before an exam or a hungover blog writer the last couple of hours before a deadline, it’s crucial that half the clubs in the footballing world leave all of their business to the very last minute. More wheeler dealing is done on the last day of the window than on any other, as if a whole section of management thought there was probably something really important to do during the summer, if only they could remember what it was, but that if it was really that important someone would have told them by now. Some clubs seem to buy players on this day merely for the amusement of doing so, or because everyone else is, rather than because they actually need that player. This is Harry Redknapp’s favorite day of the year. It is also Arsene Wenger’s most feared, which is why he usually spends it cowering in a cupboard with his hands over his ears until it goes away.

Probability of more deals being done on the last day than any other - 10

8. Inappropriate Ink – For reasons that completely escape me and the majority of the civilized world, a very specific type of football fan exists for whom the tattooing of footballers on their person is the highest form of art. Many have gotten club emblems, trophies and legends of yore etched into their epidermis, but to these special, champions of man, this is not enough. The greater art lies in the unwavering certainty of the future. Footballers have a fantastic track record of loyalty, as we all know, and so the painful permanent inking of your favorite current player in full current kit is no way at all a fool hardy errand to embark on. Nope.  Just ask the man who had Andy Cole tattooed on his arm in a full Newcastle strip, or the even more heroic man who had Kaka tattooed over his heart whilst the rumors of a proposed move to City were still days away from Gary Cooke cussing his dad. Should these people be admired, ridiculed or studied in laboratories? What makes them tick? Who knows? But they probably shouldn’t be allowed to breed.

Probability of someone getting a tattoo of a new signing - 6 (but 9 if it’s at Newcastle or Manchester City)

9. Hijackings, real or pretend – Ever since pirating stopped being all about big cool ships and swinging on ropes and started being about scary men with automatic machine guns on speed boats with far less interesting hats, hijacking has become less fun. In football however, it still retains some modicum of entertainment and can often provide the big talking point in a transfer window. Who can forget Robinho’s sudden unexpected move to City when shirts baring his name were already being bought by Chelsea fans (and most probably burned, see No.5.) Hijacking usually involves the bigger clubs but more often than not involves no one at all, and is simply invented as a ruse by a cunning agent to strengthen his clients bargaining position. Arsenal and Manchester United have been on standby to hijack every single transfer this summer, like fiendish Scarlet Pimpernels hiding out at an airport departure gate, but have so far failed to do so. Probably because they weren’t actually going to in the first place.

Probability of a club hijacking another club’s transfer - 5

Probability of a journalist/agent/internet rumor mill saying a club are going to hijack another club’s transfer - 10

10. Crushing disappointment – If all the other variables are, erm, variable (even the ones I’ve confusingly giving a probability of 10) then the one thing that’s constant, assured and solid gold plated as fact is that the majority of fans will be left disappointed by the transfer window. Transfer windows are like most things in life, or even life itself. We all have lofty dreams, hopes and aspirations, but most of us, bar the exceptional few, never see them fulfilled. And in the end we settle, bitterly writing sarcastic articles about football, jaded and curmudgeoned at the ripe old age of 27. (Oh God!) Across the leagues, if you’re not a fan of the top dogs, you’ll likely have lost, or lose your best players to them. The most you can hope for is a decent bargain journeyman, a promising youth prospect or Robbie Keane to fill their place. Many clubs are broke or going so, and even if you’re a Villa, Arsenal or Spurs, proud historic clubs with legacy and little chance of going under, your chances of buying players as good as the ones you’ve lost (or look like losing) look slight. Even with the money. Even if you’re United, reigning champions and with millions already spent, chances are there’ll be a few who groan at the possible failure to sign a superstar after being linked with so many. Liverpool fans should be happy, and a few other clubs here and there, but in the end, the mega rich Decepticons of City & Chelsea aside, most clubs and fans will be happy to see the window close, so we get just back to the football. Sweet, lovely football. Well, until January.

You can follow Oscar on Twitter here Twitter/oscarpyejeary where you can aide him in his quest to make#attackthespace the new #stayonyourfeet

First off, sorry Brad, that looks like an excellent blog post, we can merge them if you like…

and remember remember the link is your friend yeah! http://www.footballfancast.com/football-blogs/10-noticed-man-utd-milan-animals

OK…10 Things I noticed from Man Utd vs Milan (and other animals)

1. I want my iTV – So another Champions League week, another Wayne Rooney header, another English team comfortably through, another chance for the media to roll out page after page on David Beckham whilst simultaneously claiming it’s all his fault, and another week to wait for this round to finish thanks to UEFA’s brilliantly annoying decision to split the games up by a fortnight for no logical reason at all. iTV seem to have somehow found a way to fit 2 advertising breaks into a 15 minute introduction segment, but at least that spared us the “thoughts” of Andy Townsend and Marcel Desailly, who inexplicably seemed to be wearing two shirts on top of each other. Punditry was a low priority however, as this segment was entirely taken up by Beckham montages anyway before it was time for more words from our sponsors, just in case there was anyone left alive who didn’t already hate the Go Compare jingle by now. It was then back to the action to follow the teams out of the tunnel, which presented the cameramen with an annoying dilemma, since as Beckham wasn’t starting, they couldn’t follow him out last as they wanted to, and in the way they usually follow out important people like Ronaldo, or Cantona, or any other players who stand at the back in tunnels so the camera can follow them out with a hero shot just before they cut to another annoying commercial break. Obvious panic ensued in the studio, where it was quickly decided they should go to a wide shot, wait for him to jog out in a tracksuit a good minute behind everyone else, and then follow him out anyway as planned. It was then time to rile up the viewing public’s hatred of Italian stereotypes and price comparison websites further, where after Jim Rosenthal – failing to grow out of his startling similarity to the Count from Sesame Street in his older years – welcomed us back from wondering why you’d want to win a chance to “watch the world cup in Brazil” when it’s being held in South Africa, just in time to tell us Milan needed to score first if they were to have chance of Progressing

2. And which is more, You’ll beat Milan my son - And they tried to score. Any assumption that this tie, both home and away, was a walk in the park for United is a bit of a misnomer. Milan had chances here, just as they had in the San Siro, to make it an uncomfortable evening for the hosts. The passing early on was sloppy from the reds, with Rooney taking the idea of filling Ronaldo’s shoes a bit too literally by trying a series of little flicks and failing miserably at each one, whilst Nani seemed to have decided it’d be better for the aesthetic of the game if he kept passing the ball to Milan. Both Ronaldinho, and particularly Huntelaar, could have given the visitors the spring board they needed within the first 10 minutes, but as at the San Siro the Dutchman seemed to find the penalty area a dauntingly terrifying place to be and possibly realizing that Beckham would never get his hero’s reception if the home crowd were a little anxious, the noble thing to do was to be rubbish. The difference, again, was Wayne Rooney’s shiny head. As so often this season, United had the knack of converting most of their chances on goal through the clinicalness of Rooney and today was a prime example as he notched his 3^rd brace against the 7 times winners in his last 4 games against them. Even as the match wore on and United became more and more comfortable, Milan continued to spurn easy opportunities as David Beckham found creating chances at Old Trafford again was just like riding an old bike.

3. There’s no Dinho in Team - Milan’s main problem, apart from arthritis, was that certain players – * cough * Ronaldinho *cough * – didn’t seem to feel the other half of the pitch was in anyway a significant area at all. The former World Player of the Year treats most games like a playground kick about, which is often seen as a good thing, but is actually an incredibly bad thing at any level above an actual playground. Defending isn’t a part of the game that interests him at all, and as such, it’s much better to leave it to the unpopular kids who were picked last, who’s sole responsibility from then on is to pass it to him whenever they’re done with whatever it is they do. During the build up to United’s opener, he did actually think about tracking Gary Neville back, and got as far as a third of the way into his own half. He then clearly realized that that goal wasn’t actually the goal he was supposed to be attacking – if he was aware there was a goal there at all – and after some confusion, realized this, stopped and turned around again whilst a completely unchallenged Neville dropped the ball onto Rooney’s head and rendered the tie as dead as a Dildo.

4. Drawing inspiration – Further stretching the idea that certain Milan players would’ve liked to have been on a playground, AC’s captain’s armband seemed to consist of a piece of bandage with a C drawn on it in marker pen. Welcome to the knock out stages of the biggest show in club football ladies and gentlemen.

5. Sing when you’re winning – After that, the first half suddenly became incredibly dull as United sat back in contentness, and Milan creaked forward at the pace of a slug in a vague attempt to increase their possession stats. So comfortable it became that the United faithful could even afford to get the party started early and wheeled out “There’s only one David Beckham” and “Fergie Fergie sign him up” before the match had reached 40 minutes whilst the camera cut to Roberto Mancini in the crowd, who was presumably praying for some kind of natural disaster to wipe both teams off the face of the earth for good.

6. You’ve got to fight, for your right, to Paaaarty – After a few punditry breaks during the half time advertising analysis, United came storming out of the traps and Nani and Rooney (with the feet he remembered he still had) combined to shovel more earth on top of Milan by scoring a lovely goal within 56 seconds of the re-start. Nani then became incredibly good for the remainder of the match, after spending the majority of the first half loosing the ball in precarious situations whilst not being passed to be Rooney – presumably through a combination of mistrust and revenge for bad service in the first leg. Park Ji Sung continued to look like he was going to fall over at every opportunity, and did so frequently to great effect, slipping twice to score the third, and then again – in what was possibly a brilliant diversionary dummy tactic – to allow Rafael to loop in the cross for Fletcher to make it 4. It was now officially party time, and Old Trafford burst into raucous song and celebration and waited for the return of the prodigal in a sea of green and gold and spirited protest signing, a bit like what the civil rights movement in the Mississippi Delta would’ve been like if the protagonists had been mainly white, not oppressed and all paying upwards of £25 for the right to do so. So in fact not at all like it, but with the connecting theme of rich Americans being the villains.

7. United We Stand – The Green and Yellow ‘till the club is mellow campaign has now reached fever pitch. The abundance of it at Wembley for the Carling Cup final seemed like the zenith, but it was positively dwarfed by the show of support it received last night. The audio visual assault of scarves and songs was immense and the banners hung proudly from the terrace while the stewards admitted their inevitable defeat in the knowledge no one was going to let them ruin the party. As Beckham threw his green and golden balls behind the campaign – ensuring it reached the front pages as well as back – there’s surely no doubt he was aware it would increase his already bulging respect from the fans. But only the most embittered and cynical would care, because now it’s been done, nothing but a groveling retraction of support could remove the image of him adorned in it from the history of the campaign. For United fans, last night was quite simply a victory for Manchester United in every possible way it could have been.

8. The future’s Orange - In all the hullabaloo, one of the most astounding events of the evening was overlooked. So well was everything going for United that Paul Scholes actually won a tackle. More than one in fact. It was quite astounding; I almost fell off my chair, except that I was on a sofa.

9. You probably think this game is about you - All that was left was to revel in the Beckham circus – as the more cynical will no doubt call it…again – and so on he came, to possibly the loudest cheer of the night so far, until Ferguson wisely decided to take off Rooney just to remind the crowd where their priorities currently lay and encourage another standing ovation just as everyone had just begun to sit down again. In the unfortunate position of having to play a football match whilst trying not to burst into tears, Beckham actually contrived to be Milan’s best player in his 20-minute cameo, though since the tie was so far out of reach it was as distant a possibility as Ronaldinho breaking a sweat, it was pretty irrelevant anyway. Had he scored with a sweetly taken volley that drew the hardest work of the night out of Edwin Van Der Sar – despite him not actually having to move -  the oddest scene of the night might of transpired, as Old Trafford was so loved up by that point that they most likely would have cheered it. But it wasn’t to be, and Beckham had to settle for picking up a scarf and crying in the post match interview instead. An interview in which he ranked it as one of his greatest nights in football, which will surely go down well in Milan, as they cry in the corner with Roma over the ignominy of being trashed by a 5 goal aggregate margin in Europe.

10. Back to Life, Back to ‘REAL’ity – A quick word on the Decepticons as they crashed out at the 1/8 stage for the 5^th (or possibly 6^th) year running much to the mirth of every other football fan on the planet. Oh to be a fly on the wall as Cristiano Ronaldo heard his former club had battered Milan on their way to the Quarter Finals as his disjointed star studded bunch were dumped out by Lyon. Madrid had the best of the first half, quite ridiculously so in fact, but so un-team like do they look that it failed to matter. Higuain was the main culprit, which is a shame considering his non-Galactical status, but he provided the microcosm of the night when he fluffed his 2^nd easy chance of the game. With Ronaldo – sporting some kind of lacquered plastic hair  – square of him and in an infinitely better position, he failed to pass, and instead weakly tapped it at goal. It’s far too easy to call them a selfish team of disjointed preening stars unconcerned about team ethic or graft, assembled by a shallow man with no concept of football beyond status and appearances and a weak, farcical concept that destiny and grandeur are all that’s needed – especially given their sterling domestic fight back at the weekend – but screw it, I’m going to do it anyway. Lyon could’ve even won the game itself after the slowest counter attack in football history, but one was enough, and the thought of Barcelona or United winning the CL in the Bernabeu is so rich with such delicious schadenfreude that it’s actually making me quite full just thinking about it.

You can follow Oscar on Twitter at; http://twitter.com/oscarpyejeary, where you can tell him that wearing thermal trousers IS in fact just like wearing tights.

— > http://www.footballfancast.com/football-blogs/missed-matched-8-noticed-weekends-action <—-

One....Hundred, alright?

The Premier League

Arsenal 3-1 Burnley – Terrible misses were fittingly the theme of the day as Arsenal’s players pledged their support for a player they missed terribly by promising to “Do it for Rambo” forgetting of course that all of us who watched Sylvester Stallone paraded at Goodison Park last season know Rambo is actually an Everton supporter. Nicklas Bendtner was the most sympathetic to the situation, clearly feeling empathy towards a team who’ve been crippled away from home more than once this season, by treating them to a Paul Daniels-like demonstration of prowess in the box (not a lot) by magically missing 400 chances, each more astounding than the last. Eventually Theo Walcott overcame his England blue’s to show Fabio Capello how devastating he’d be if Burnley were allowed to contest the World Cup, and Andrei Arshavin capped a 3-1 victory – which should have really been an 8-1 victory – by pretending he was being electrocuted….or something.

Wolves 0-1 Manchester United – Gamefully taking the theme of inefficiency in front of goal to their hearts, Manchester United and Wolves both conspired to miss “easier to score” chances in the closing stages of a rather flat game at Molineux. Shorn of their most prolific duo of Wayne Rooney and Own Goal up front, and with Dimitar Berbatov deciding being a striker was really very silly and he’d rather play 40 yards from goal instead, United had to rely on Paul Scholes to take the points, grabbing his 100^th Premier League goal in the process. Wolves created more chances against the Champions than most teams manage to get (three), but still conspired to be generally woeful at executing them, an affliction that seemed to infect United as well, as substitute Mame Biram Diouf somehow missed a hat trick of chances in a mere 8 minutes, one of which was possibly the worst header ever pulled off in a top flight football match. Wolves nearly won the game in the dying minutes (and if minutes could die, they’d have been throwing themselves off bridges to get away from this one) when Sam Vokes scored an excellent 2-point conversion from a yard out, only to be reminded he was playing the wrong sport. The match could’ve ended about 3-2, but if it had, it would’ve been the biggest false impression since Jordan fell over in the sand.

West Ham 1-2 Bolton – Kevin Davies continued to be the scourge of West Ham, scoring his 8^th goal in 10 games against ‘Ammers  and his 423^rd1950s center forwards header. Jack Wilshere won the game as early as the 16^th minute with a delightful little upright scissor kick, a moment that could’ve been as significant an a arrival announcement as Wayne Rooney’s curler against Arsenal or David Beckham’s half way hoof – if we didn’t all already know who he was and if he hadn’t been playing for Bolton. Alessandro Diamanti, sporting a teenager’s beard, pulled one back for the Claret and sort of Purple’s, and Stanislas crashed one against the bar in the last minute but Bolton prevailed. In related news, Kieron Dyer is still alive.

Everton 5-1 Hull City – More misses at Goodison where Yakubu missed a penalty and a sack full of chances, Landon Donovan said goodbye to a club who’ll miss him, and Robbie Savage made a late play to be one of Liverpool’s Spice Boys in the Match of the Day 2 studio, missing the boat by about 13 years. Hull should’ve scored in the first minute when Garcia decided to do the Can-Can rather than the “I can” before the feminine eyebrows of Mikel Arteta took complete control of the game and Everton ran riot. Landon Donovan capped his successful loan spell in the style befitting someone with a name like Landon Donovan and Jack Rodwell – progressively forgetting he’s supposed to be a defensive midfielder – added a couple more zero’s to his price tag. Of all the teams trying to better themselves on the social ladder of Premiership football, Everton look by far the best right now. It’s a crying shame for them to have gone through the season without messes Jagielka and Arteta, who, had they been available, would almost certainly have had them pushing hard for fourth, if not 3^rd on recent evidence.

The FA Cup

Portsmouth 2-0 Birmingham - Provided not just another example of the romance of football, as Portsmouth earned themselves a trip to Wembley before they implode into themselves, but also a great example of it’s knack of making a point, when Liam Ridgewell’s disallowed goal managed to prove what utter Idiots FIFA are better than words ever could. Pompey shouldn’t be denied their romance though, and after possibly the stupidest goal ever scored put them ahead, Frédéric Piquionne counter balanced it with a glorious second.

Reading 2-4 Aston Villa – Villa continue to be involved in the most engrossing Cup encounters as their gentle fairy tale monster John Carew scored a hat trick to bring them back from 2-0 down.  Getting Chelsea in the semi’s is better for them I feel, as it’s usually harder to beat the bigger teams in Finals than Semi’s for some bafflingly incomprehensible and possibly imaginary footballing reason.

Chelsea 2-0 Stoke – Note to commentators – Neither John Terry, Wayne Bridge or any of us exasperated mere mortals are going to be able to “get over it” or “put it in the past” if you keep mentioning it every time John “He’s still a fantastic captain despite everything” Terry does anything good, bad, or completely inconsequential. And mentioning how we can all stop mentioning it now 10 times in each half, surprisingly, actually constitutes mentioning it. Though I did get a giggle out of “Rory Delap taking the long route round Frank Lampard”.

Fulham 0-0 Spurs – If you have a Revlon 9129CSU 1800w Super Power Dryer (£10.99 from most good retailers) a prolonged period of application on it’s maximum heat setting – providing you apply evenly – can in fact reduce the amount of time it takes for paint to dry by about 45 minutes. Which should be enough time to catch Fulham and Tottenham contest a decently entertaining second half, but still not score, thanks mainly to Hilarious Gomes.

You can follow me on Twitter here; http://twitter.com/oscarpyejeary, or alternatively follow me around in real life, but please keep a respectable distance if you’re weird, and bring your own lunch.

In place of my 10 Things today, which I will do later this weekend – but for the whole Prem, I’d like to share my frustrations on the Everton match and the annoyance of watching football on the Internet. In rambling story form.

and don’t forget, a little click goes a long way -> http://www.footballfancast.com/football-blogs/any-stream-will-do-observations-on-everton-vs-manchester-united

After a long and frustrating phone conversation with a stupid woman at my currently to remain nameless broadband/TV company, I resigned myself to having to wait another week before I got Sky. With this in mind I decided the pub was probably the best place to watch Everton vs Manchester United but through a combination of late sleeping and extreme laziness I decided – at about 12.42 – that that wasn’t going to happen and that instead I’d watch the match on the Internet.

Those of us who have watched football on the Internet before (through clearly legal and upstanding means of course) are in almost unanimous agreement that – no matter what the FA thinks – it isn’t the future. After a few minutes trying to find a feed that didn’t look like footage from the moon, I finally found a fairly clear one in Arabic. Arabic commentators are interesting creatures, seemingly under the impression they’re delivering radio commentary for a horse race rather than aid to a visible football match. They talk constantly. Much of this is taken up by constant repetition of the player in possession’s name – the longer he runs with it, the longer this goes on – just to reassure the blind or distracted that he’s still on the ball. Despite this, or maybe because of it, it somehow makes what’s happening seem far more exciting than it may actually be, such is their infectious enthusiasm for their job.

Eventually I found a better, clearer stream with a much larger picture and in English but not before I’d missed Dimitar Berbatov’s opening goal because my Arabic one had frozen, which is a constant problem with internet streams and one of the many reasons it isn’t the future of sports broadcasting along with clarity, cinematic-ness and bad posture.

Hunching over my desk, I loaded my newer, clearer stream just in time to see Diniyar  Bilyaletdinov wallop in an equalizer so hard it lifted the net off the ground. The Goodison crowd roused themselves from their routine of booing Rooney and shouting for handball at every opportunity and it suddenly looked like we had a game on our hands. There was a frantic pace about it in the first half with Rooney rounding Tim Howard but failing to score and Landon Donovan attempting to copy Paul Scholes’ new “standing leg shot” trick but to no avail. United had changed their recent winning away formation of 4-5-1 (acting occasionally as a 4-3-3 in attack) in favor of that good old stalwart 4-4-2, and while it seemed to be working fairly well in the latter half of the pitch, at the back Donovan and Saha had the measure of United’s weakened center back partnership. Jonny Evans didn’t seemed to have recovered from essentially being shouted at by his dad in front of all his friends on Tuesday night and Wes Brown could’ve conceded a penalty when the ball ricocheted off his arm only for Landon Donovan to scuff his shot.

At half time I tried to think of Neville Neville jokes as he’d been shown on a couple of occasions watching his two boys captain their respective sides. The problem with Neville Neville jokes is that it seems too easy, but if you do eventually think of one that’s quite funny you’re sure it’s probably less funny than something someone else has come up with before. After 10 minutes of trying to work out something along the lines of “Jo-Jo, Djemba Djemba and Neville Neville walk into a bar” I gave up (partially because Jo Jo was the only third person I could think of and I really wasn’t happy with that) and waited for the second half to begin.

The first thing I noticed from the second 45, was that the Everton fans had hit upon a good solution to the problem of  keeping former prodigal Wayne Rooney quiet – Keep quiet themselves. It finally seems to have occurred to football fans that booing an opposition player only generally succeeds in making them play better. Today they gave him a halfhearted chorus at the start but then forgot about it pretty much by the end and with seemingly nothing to rise too – and no vitriolic opportunities to badge kiss – he was relatively threat-less. His frustration wasn’t helped by the removal of Berbatov, but Everton can’t be denied their credit.

Leon Osman was superb for most of the match, as was Sylvain Distin and Steven Pienaar and the introduction of Gosling and Rodwell (who I always imagine as Gobbling and Rodwell, a porn detective duo from the 1970s I invented in my head when they first broke on the scene) were inspired, especially compared to Fergie’s rather odd decisions to bring off a striker for a midfielder with the scores still level.

After Gosling had put the Toffees in front my stream decided to freeze again so as quick as I could I opened another – rather rubbish moon stream – in another window. The clearer stream then decided it was going to start working again – sporadically – but a good minute and a half behind the other one, so I kept flicking between the two in the hope that the good one would eventually stop freezing whilst still keeping up to date with what was going on in actual time. This meant I had to watch something I’d just watched, all be it in much better quality, and then jump a minute and a half into the future whenever it froze again, missing anything that may have happened in between. This I decided was a nice little analogy for life – While you may think the past looks better to you, if you stay stuck in it too long you’ll miss what’s happening now. Happy with this insight, both my streams decided to bring me back down to earth by freezing at the same time meaning I was back to Arabic for the last five minutes where the commentator had worked himself up into such an excitable frenzy of name shouting I’d have been forgiven for thinking I’d just stumbled upon footage of the great final battle for humanity between Ninja Jesus and the King Fu Anti-Christ.

As the final whistle blew I reflected on a deserved victory for Everton and the mouth-watering prospect of getting Sky Sports next week, thus rendering my need for inconsistent and appalling quality football coverage obsolete. Except for 3pm kick off’s and untelevised interesting foreign matches of course…But I still refuse to accept it’s the future.

You can find more witterings here; http://www.footballfancast.com/author/oscar-pye-jeary

10 Things I noticed from United’s 3-2 Win in the San Siro – And don’t forget to help me pay my heating bill by clicking on the link, it gets cold in the winter (I know, whore)

http://www.footballfancast.com/football-blogs/max-head-roo-10-things-i-noticed-from-ac-milan-vs-man-utd

1. There’s No Business Like Show Business – If I told you I had just watched a 5 goal thriller between two of the world’s most famous and prestigious clubs in which 3 of the most talented players of the last 10 years had scored, you’d be forgiven for thinking I’d just been watching a sumptuous feast of footballing brilliance to make the Gods themselves weep in euphoria. I would however, have to forgive you quite humbly because what I actually witnessed was one of the most bizarre games of top-level football I’ve seen in a long long time. For the first half AC Milan seemed to be pioneering a new brand of tactical football, one which involved having all their players in either the first or final third of the pitch and none what so ever in the middle. Manchester United obviously felt a bit bad about this and so helpfully acted as the Rossoneri’s creative midfield themselves and passed it to ‘not so little anymore’ Ronaldo and co at every available opportunity. Jonny Evans in particular seemed to be struggling quite hard with the concept of playing against a team in red but thankfully for him Milan seemed to be struggling with the onset of aged dementia and forgot where the goal was. With United given the entire midfield area to play badly in on their own and Milan given the freedom of United’s penalty box to not score in, it somehow conspired to end 1-1 at half time and then the second half was completely different.

2. And Which Is More, You’ll Be a Man, My Son – If “stepping up” could be measured tangibly, and not just in the opinionated minds of self important pundits, fans and blog writers, scoring two goals in a European Cup knock out victory against AC Milan at the San Siro would probably be as close as you could get. The amount of times I’ve watched Manchester United labor in attack this season and thought “Ronaldo would’ve done that” is quite embarrassingly often. However Wayne Rooney continued his ascent into greatness by doing what truly world class players (or worldies, as Graeme Souness imitating a 6 year old called them on Sky) do. He’s scored twice against Milan before, but this was a different occasion. This was an occasion when he was the main man leading the charge away from home, and behaved like it. Ballon D’or’s and the like are won on the back of things like this. It’s all steps in the right direction for the already glittering career of El Blanco Pele.

3. I Want My M(u)TV – One of the interesting things about European football is that you have to rely on television feeds from whatever country is hosting the game. This often provides a fascinating insight into the televisual sporting appetites of the country in question. What I’ve learned from watching Italian football coverage over the years is how much Italians love slow motion. Slow motion of anything at all. A manager’s frustrated gesticulations or a player’s wink to a teammate, nothing is too banal or insignificant to be captured in glorious slow motion and replayed at a gloriously pointless point in the game. Also, this being Italy, lots of slow motion footage of tackles are a necessity.

4. All The Better To See You With – I’ve been to the San Siro and it annoyed me then. And it continues to be one of those niggly annoyances that inexplicably infuriate me to this day every time I watch the Rossoneri or Nerazzurri play. What benefit can there possibly be to having your manager sat in a hole in the ground 3 feet below the pitch? I mean seriously? That can’t help, no matter how comfy a seat you give him. Surely all they can see are ankles running about at various different stages of depth perception. Like watching highlights from Highbury from under your sofa. Surely the better the view of the pitch you get the better? This might help to explain why Leonardo didn’t feel he needed to play a midfield, but I’m not sure how.

5. If You, Just, Smile - I can’t help but like Ronaldinho. He just seems to have the right perspective when it comes to football. It’s a game. He messed about during the line ups, messed about during that weird handshaking bit that always seems a little unnecessary, he messed about on the pitch, and, clearly, didn’t have a care in the world about what was happening on it when it wasn’t his turn to do something. At times he was glorious and at other times he wasn’t, but he always seemed grounded in the notion that he was kicking a rubber balloon around some grass for hundreds of thousands of pounds. If he played on my team it’d be infuriating as “tracking back” seems  to have disappeared from his vocabulary along with “no thanks I’m not hungry”, but still, it’s a much more likeable attitude than the “psych yourself up by looking incredibly serious in the tunnel and during the silly handshaking bit” approach. You’re kicking a rubber balloon around some grass for hundreds of thousands of pounds for goodness sake, he’s got the right idea, and he’s much better at it than you.

6. Wolverine - The famous hair of David Beckham seems to have slipped down his face slightly. I know your body’s supposed to succumb to gravity the older you get but I wasn’t aware this applied to hair. But then again, Becks always was an innovator. At least his balls still look good.

7. Great Expectations pt 1 - After an impressive run of recent form Nani returned to his previous incarnation. The one who’s only visibly a talented player once every 38 minutes or so. Since he was substituted on 64 minutes, he only showed this once, but I can’t remember when it was.

8. Great Expectations pt 2 – Poor old Pippo Inzaghi. Another sign of an aging legend creaking out his time at the San Siro. I thought he’d at least give us something, I’d told all my friends he would, the stage seemed to be set for him to bolster his already fearsome reputation, but alas, in the 24 minutes he was on the field of play, he failed to be flagged offside once.

9. Light up, Light up – It could have just been me, in fact it most probably was, but I could have sworn it seemed to get lighter as the game went on. Ronaldinho’s goal seemed to be scored under elaborate floodlighting, yet Rooney’s second at a fairly unremarkable dusk. Maybe I’m going completely mad. I hope not, it wasn’t fun last time.

10. Mad World - The game finished, fittingly for such an odd, topsy turvy contest, in complete mayhem. Milan suddenly decided they were going to start playing again, after disappearing completely during the second half. United suddenly decided to get nervous again despite being in complete control of the match for the previous half an hour, after themselves being mostly woeful during the first half. Clarence Seedorf, the 33 year old stalwart midfielder, scored the goal of the night with a delightful back heel, despite it being a ridiculous time and place to try such a thing and thus trumping his more celebrated fellow goal scorers Rooney, Ronaldinho and Scholes (though if he can manage to persuade anyone he meant to score with his standing leg he’d surely win goal of the season). The referee failed to convey, or even decide how much stoppage time to add, at least not to anyone in charge of an electronic board or television station, so we were left in complete limbo after 90 minutes had elapsed and Michael Carrick got sent off for time wasting despite the referee then blowing his whistle almost immediately after he’d carded him, rendering the purpose of his carding completely useless. None of it made any sense but then again neither did anything in this ridiculously entertaining, ridiculous match.

You can find more ramblings from under the sofa, here; http://www.footballfancast.com/author/oscar-pye-jeary and here; http://www.redcafe.net/blog/category/mockneys-10-things/

Sorry Ladies and Gents that it’s taken me so long to get round to this…Or something a bit like this. I’m writing over at http://www.footballfancast.com/ with a heavy burden of 4 articles a day so I haven’t been up to this much lately. However both Niall & my editors at FFC have kindly agreed to let me publish some dually on here. All hail Niall, infalible super bean.

I’ll be including the link to the article on FFC , (and a link to my portfolio) cos, you know, I’m a massive whore, but it would be much appreciated if you’d at least click on it, as it’s all little steps to becoming a proper jouro, living off sarnies and fags and earning my keep casually criticising people I’ve never met.

Anyway, lets get to it….

http://www.footballfancast.com/football-blogs/wednesday-ad-homs-5-things-i-noticed-from-the-pl-this-week

Awful pun aside, as another crucial round of Premier League action took place this week, what important and completely irrelevant things were worthy of notice?

Aston Villa vs Man United – O. Goal continues his blistering run of form for the reds (cunningly disguised as the blacks on this occasion) as United missed the opportunity to go top after Villa all but lay down for them in the second half. Presumably cautious after last seasons second half collapse in the race for fourth, Villa seemed far more concerned with protecting a point despite facing 10 men, a home crowd and a referee almost purposefully trying to get every single decision completely wrong. Antonio Valencia continued to show how wonderfully adept he is at not using his left foot on any occasion, no matter how useful it could prove to be, and Martin O’Neill’s penchant for wearing football boots continues to baffle me. You aren’t going to bring yourself on are you Martin? Are you?

Everton vs Chelsea – What Man United would give to still have Louis Saha playing along side Wayne Rooney. Slightly less than £30.75m probably. Oh well, the next best thing would be to have their former front man do a right number on their nearest and dearest title challengers. And so it transpired as Saha, with a bizarre glowing hair-do that looked like someone had exploded a Terry’s Chocolate Orange on his head, struck twice against Chelsea. Watched over by Frank Lampard Snr, who joins Roy Hodgson and Arsene Wenger in the ranks of football luminaries who now look like comedy cartoon birds from a Cosgrove Hall series, Chelsea couldn’t deal with Everton who put in a stonking performance and could’ve beaten the league leaders by a greater margin. Another great performance by Landon Donovan, who twice set up Saha in the first half and won a penalty which the Frenchmen missed, should give John Terry more things to worry about before the World Cup rolls round.

Arsenal vs Liverpool - Two giants of English football somehow conspired to produce one of the least attractive games of the season as Arsenal and Liverpool attempted to out play badly each other at the Emirates Stadium. A neat microcosm of the encounter was provided midway through the second half when David N’Gog then Tomas Rosicky were both put through on goal in quick succession only to be seemingly playing a game of ‘who can control the ball most like a Sunday league player’ and fluff their lines completely. For the record, Rosicky won. He did however provide the one class act of the match, putting across a pinpoint ball for Diaby to score the winner. Fuss will no doubt be made of Cesc Fabregas handling the ball on the box line whilst scratching his head in the last minute, but since neither of the possible fouls that lead to the free kick were actually fouls to begin with, it doesn’t really matter.

Spurs vs Wolves – On a pitch comprised equally of snow, mud and grass, Tottenham once again remembered they were Tottenham and lost a winnable match at a crucial time of the season. Harry Redknapp, inexplicably looking like man in heavy prosthetics disguised as Harry Redknapp, said he was disappointed, and well he might be, as these are the games Champions League placed teams win, and Tottenham seem to always loose when close to attaining that status. Former Spurs striker Paul Walsh, punditing on Sky Sports, decided the reason for this was they had “too many footballers in the team.” I think they could have about 4 more and still loose because, unfortunately, they’d still be Tottenham.

West ‘Am vs Birmingham - Gianfranco Zola, currently challenging Alan Shearer for the “no one can tell I’m bald if I keep the tufts at the front” man of the year, finally caught, a break as his West Ham team overcame Birmingham. The ‘Ammers have played some good football this year under the missing link but, like Portsmouth, just seem to have rubbed someone ‘up there’ the wrong way this season. The sight of Alessandro Diamanti leading the team to a group hug with Zola after breaking the deadlock with an inch perfect free kick was a lovely sight for ‘Ammers fans and anyone who thought the PG Tips monkeys where cruelly treated.

Other Things I Noticed this Week:

Blackburn could hit a barn door with a banjo, as long as the barn door was standing right in the middle of the goal. Carloz Tevez obviously studied at the Julian Dicks “try and knock the keeper the f*** out” school of penalty taking. Wolves’ David Jones’ features are all far too big for his face, and Burnley’s club emblem looks like a West Ham emblem designed from a bad memory on an Atari 800.

http://www.footballfancast.com/author/oscar-pye-jeary

Terrible Pun I know. Something about it being as toothless as the Leeds game….or something. Anyway, 10 Things I noticed from Birmingham City vs Manchester United

1. I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For – In fact I still haven’t found what I need to find to be able to work out what  it is I’m supposed to be looking for in the first place. Watching United over the last week or so has been like watching a team who aren’t Manchester United, attempt to play like Manchester United, badly. Occasionally they get it right, but more through luck than judgement. The most saddening aspect of this game was that despite getting 4 million minutes of injury time, we didn’t create a single chance, or even a single penetrating forward thrust in the right direction during it. The odd thing is I can’t really work out why. It’s too obvious to say we miss Ronaldo cos the player playing in his stead, Antonio Valencia, is actually playing quite well and above the level of most of the others. We clearly were carried by him a little at times, but never so ineptly in his absence as we have in the last week or so. Tevez? Troll boy wouldn’t have come on until the 85th minute anyway and his hustle and bustle wouldn’t have contributed that much if anything to the fluidity of our attacking play. The rest of the chancers are all the same, with Scholes and Fletcher actually playing better than they did last season. So what the flibedy jibbit is going on? Bad moral? Bit too cold? Not enough Wheatabix?

2. Man-Child – An obvious and very lazy observation (but I’m feeling very lazy today..for a change) is that Wayne Rooney isn’t stepping up. It’s always noticable when he plays well that the rest of the team tend to follow suit (or at the least it looks like it) but annoyingly, his annual dip in form seems to be dragging on for longer than usual. Baby fatigue syndrome maybe? It’s not like he looks tired, more that he looks indecisive, which was never a trait in the old Rooney. Maybe those around him aren’t getting into the right positions? Shoot then!…Oh, it’s gone over. Ahh well. He does seem to be labouring under the impression he’s playing Rubgy lately, his shootings gone all crazy-like. Whereas before he’d cut in an whip a dipping drive towards the top corner, he now seems to think the top corner of the stand is a much more manageable target. I’m constantly baffled by Rooney, his enormous potential, his vanishing hairline and his consistent trouble in finding a pleasing way to deal with either.

3.  Crap and the Beans fault - Our very own baked bean head seems to have decided that football is a rubbish game and he doesn’t want to play it anymore. I love Wesley Brown, I remember when he broke through how exciting a prospect he seemed, but his inconsistency is a worry. His injury record is clearly a major reason for this but the errors are totting up and I’m starting to loose any confidence when the ball comes near him. Annoyingly the ball seems to feel the opposite and has decided Wes is its bestest fwend in the whole wide world and it wants to be near him at all times. Wes is clearly troubled by this as his nervous attempts to shake off it’s attentions are becoming a little frantic. I’m not blaming him for yesterday particularly, more the Leeds game. When he obviously remembered he’d left the fridge open or something.

4. Park-Life – part 423 – Errrgghhh….Thats me resisting the urge to rant. We need better wingers though really don’t we?, because he isn’t a winger, he’s like a confusing cross breed between a Beckham-esque winger without the crossing ability and a full back without any particularly good defensive qualities. Which is just ‘meh’ really isn’t it?

5. Marmaduke - Sounded like Marmaduke but it was probably Mame Diouf. Bizarre decision to bring on an untested new signing who’s only recent competitive experience was in the Norwegian League instead of say…oh I dunno…Michael Owen? It was also bizarre to leave it so late since we hadn’t been looking like scoring in the previous 80 minutes and didn’t look like we were about to either. Regardless though he was very fast. What else he was I’ve no idea because he only touched the ball 3 times. The first time he fell over but tackled someone, the second he miscontroled it and the third he miscontroled it but luckily managed to beat his man (well, a man) and put in weak a cross shot sort of thing. No basis to judge him on though as he was annoyingly given no service and nothing to work with. Good to see he’s apparently ready to go straight in the team though.

6. Stop – Fergie Time! - Dunno where that came from. Didn’t make a blind bit of difference though. We could’ve had 45 minutes of stoppage time and wouldn’t've scored a winner. They might have though

7. Rafael is Cool but Rude – Cabbage patch doll No1 has been a fairly constant positive from the last 2 games. He wasn’t great by a long shot but there is just something  I like about him. His tackling is fucking dangerous at time though. His positioning is still pretty terrible too, or more accurately his inability to stay still is. He’ll sort of go to tackle someone, then either pivot on the ball or throw his body in whatever direction he sees fit and if he fails to win it, he leaves a huge gaping space where he’s just been, and then seems to run the furthest way back round to his starting point possible to try and get it again. Despite that though it’s still pretty difficult to get passed him and his forward thrust is very useful in our absence of any particularly good wingers. Him and Evra might as well be playing as wingers for all I’ve noticed. If we cloned the two of them we’d probably have quite a good midfield.

8. Barnet City – What the fuck was up with Christian Benitez’ hair? He seemed to have some abstract interpretation of the Big Bang Theory carved into his barnet. Troubled us once but was luckily crap

9. Only the Fletch is Good Enough – In lieu anything more interesting to say, I’d like to draw your attention to this quote from Goal.coms match ratings

“Darren Fletcher – 4 – Pointless slanging match with referee Mark Clattenburg boiled over as he was sent off for two yellow cards. Was on the periphery of the match for the rest of the contest.”

Now if he could only work out how to be heavily involved in the match after being sent off, he’d finally be World Class ey pete?

10. Things Can Only Get Better – That’s not strictly true of course, but i’m sure it will be. They’re all going on a summer holiday now until Burnley at home and even in a slump, I can’t see that being another toothless display. Even if it was a bit of a let down, you can’t really claim we weren’t the better team. Birmingham rarely threatened until Fletch got sent off and, although we hardly created anything, we were all over them to a degree. They got a lucky goal, we got a lucky goal, but we at least deserved our luck. Boncebackability is what is needed. Chin up lads…Chin up!….?? No?…Alright fine, grumble grumble grumble humbug

Geddit?…It’s a wolf pin….Geddit?….Aaargh you’re rubbish….10 Things I Noticed from Wolsburg vs Manchester United

1. Bangers & Smash – It was an odd game for the most part. And all the better for it really. The first half was basically like a computer game, all be it a new computer game, one which you’re not too sure of the buttons for. Or a bit like playing FIFA10 when you’re used to PES, and though you’re constantly breaking forward into great positions, at the crucial time you keep forgetting that shoot is cross and cross is shoot in this one. Though Nani seemed to be being controlled by someone who’s forward button was inexplicably assigned to the backwards motion. “That way!!…No, damn it, that way!!.. aarrggh, bloody thing!!” The aesthetically good combination of bad marking and pacey front players made for an end to end feel but with little end product until the person controlling Nani attempted an audacious shot but luckily forgot the buttons again and put in a great cross for Owen to glance on a trademark header. We basically didn’t really deserve to win this, it was a smash and grab, but one we deserved, if that makes any sense whatsoever, which it probably doesn’t.

2, Defense is the Best Form of Attack – Well it is if all your defenders are attacking players. This is probably why Brazil are so good to watch. While our counter attacks were undeniably helped by having some great passers of the ball playing in our own box, the only person who seemed to be doing any actual defending was, unsurprisingly, the only person who was actually a defender. Fletcher and Carrick were great at breaking up the play and feeding it forward and all the things a good CM should be good at, but when it came to marking or keeping a line they seemed completely baffled. Evra however was commanding, always there and fittingly given the armband, presumably because he was the only person who knew what they were doing. He was Cafu like in his captaincy (in fact that makes we want to start a thread on Full Backs as good captains). That said, the rest were competent enough, though a better team than Wolfsburg would have scored at least 3, but it must be put into context how good a victory this is against a good side who needed a result, away from home and with ostensibly one defender.

3. Darron and on and on – Might as well touch on Gibson as I haven’t done many of these over the passed few weeks. Last night wasn’t his best game and his over eagerness to shoot curtailed a great counter attacking opportunity on at least 2 occasions. However over the passed 2 weeks he’s emerged as a potential star due to some gloriously taken goals. I like this lad a lot. His aforementioned propensity to pull the trigger sometimes disrupts decent opportunities in progress and he looks like someone who sells DVD players out of he back of a van, but you simply can’t begrudge him that if they fly in once in a while. I always felt, and still do, that while Sir David of Beckenham is often lamented to have lost his pace and thus some of his unique drive in his elder statesman years as Lord David of the holy pants salesmen, the most saddening aspect of his wane is his reluctantness to shoot as often. In his glory days he let rip without thinking, in all manner of positions untroubled by the circumstance (which probably didn’t bode well for his tiny Armani pants if truth be told), this is the same fella who stamped his footprint on the world of football by “havin’ a go” from the halfway line. He’s stopped doing that now, even though it’ll surely be one of the last talents to leave him (see Paul Scholes for further evidence). For that reason it reminds me greatly of the Beckham era to have a lad who doesn’t hold back when the goal’s in sight, especially since the technically superior Anderson couldn’t seem to hit a barn door with a heat seeking missle, even if the barn was full of burning radiators.

4. Things Can Only Get Better – As for Mr. Anderson, I’m becoming more and more steadfast in my belief that he will indeed be a World Class player within 2 years, if not 1…and a bit. His consistency is improving consistently, helped in part by the fact Paul Scholes has glanced over at Giggs and realized he better start pretending he’s 20 again or someone might notice the difference. His passing at times is ingenious. On at least two occasions last night he played quite sumptuous passes without even thinking about it, one of which almost led to a goal had Welbeck not been slightly offside. He gets far more stick, and with it far more hype, than the other players of his age (he’s younger than Gibson) because not only is more expected of him, but he’s in the team far more often, and for a player of his age and ilk, to slot into a commanding central midfield role expertly in the toughest physical top level league, not even taking into account that he’s Brazillian, takes a hell of a lot of class not to mention discipline. He really is very good, and I think some people should try and remember that the already accomplished at 16 type Fabregas’ of this world are once in a generation players. For 21, Anderson is well above most of his peer group and should, by the age of 25, be a truly exceptional player. Strangely, being in and out of the side is helping him. The pressure isn’t on as much and when it is, he can channel it without getting knackered, cos lets be honest, he looks like he likes his pies.

5. The Revolution Will Not Be Televised – But if it was, Andy Gray would probably still feel the need to waffle rubbish over it,  “well it’s a revolution isn’t it….that much we doo know, and what it boils doon to is this, when you throw a flaming can of petrol at a line of riot police, you’re gonna get punished…you just can – not – do that at this level and expect to get away with it, it’s as simple azzat” and then proceed to demonstrate police tactical strategy with a some coloured casino chips and computer generated arrows pointing straight forward “what they’re gonna do Richard, right, is walk slowly forward… here…like that, that much we doo know” ….At one point last night he described Owens second goal as “the difference between picking somebody out and not”….sorry, what? Yes that makes sense Andy, but it’s also completely banal and obvious. He’s basically best summed up by this video:

Andy Gray Talks Balls

6. Sing When You’re Drawing - It’s a good thing Wolfsburg only scored one because our senses really didn’t need to be assaulted anymore by their post goal rituals. One blast of rubbish Germanic Polka-Pop followed by an interactive role call come yodel was quite enough thank you. It also went on for about 5 minutes. Sometimes though those things strike me as quite fun..At least everyone joins in when the crowd are encouraged to shout back the scorers surname. I’d certainly like to see it tried at Hull when Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink scores…“Scored by number 29 JAN  – …..’Venennnerrblaaahhhhmrrrrrrr’ “

7. Michael Owen isn’t Dead, He rapes Germans – Should possibly not be a new chant, but he certainly seems to like playing in the Vaterland and the man who turns 30 this Monday looked every inch (there aren’t a lot of them though to be fair) the 20 something man he still is. In fact yesterday was pretty much the same Michael Owen of 2001 England hat trick glory. The Michael Owen I’d constantly spend 70 minutes shouting at from the Wembley stands for doing absolutely fuck all until he scored a brilliant goal just as I was telling the person next to me how ridiculously over rated and pointless he is. His last goal in particular was brilliant. Almost a carbon copy of Van Nistelrooys against Arsenal in 2002/03, and the hat trick itself was a great microcosm of Owens striking talents. Had he had the foresight to tap the 2nd in with his left it would have been a perfect one too. He also just seems like a really nice person bless ‘im.

8. Some People Are on The Pitch, They Think it’s All Over – His third was followed by the dullest, laziest but also most civilized pitch invasion ever as one Wolfsberg fan ambled onto the field and started chatting to the players at the center circle. Presumably he was having a go at them but it looked like he was just trying to get them to change their gas company or sell them some crap art he’d painted…“it’s in my car, you interested?..I’ve made one of you out of rawl plugs and copper wiring…it’s for a good cause….no?” It took the stewards an age to notice that he’d basically just trotted on and when they did he just sort of ambled off again in a half hearted attempt to escape them but couldn’t really be bothered

9.  Perma-Tan – The point I usually use to stick up for Nani (that no matter how ineffectual he is most of the time, he’s far more likely to do one thing brilliantly than the rest of our wingers) is not only slowly looking redundant now, but has also been put into stark perspective by the ever impressive, and permanently effective Garbriel Uber-head. Only on for a matter of minutes he created 2 goals, yet again displayed his wiser than his years knowledge of when to release the ball and for the first time, but hopefully no where near the last, basically won us the match. His first was Oberskill of the Cruyff variety but his second impressed me more as a) most wingers would of certainly run with it in that situation and position and b) the weight and direction of the first time throughball for Owen was perfect in every way. Just the right amount of weight to allow Owen to get there first and just the right position to allow him to cut across without breaking his stride. I love him, I think I really love him.

10. Keeping the Wolf at The Door. – Wolfsburg were threatening a few times, and had the better of the play 2nd half, but never really looked that great against a depleted defence and a relatively 2nd string attack. We should be thoroughly thoroughly satisfied with that performance and result which basically showed everyone in a good light, gave Owen, Obertan and Anderson, who all look like being important players this year, increased confidence, and avoided any injuries on a difficult pitch against a team who could (and probably should) have been more tenacious. All in all “woohoo…yay!”…I don’t really know what more to say?

Tempers flared once again during United vs Chelsea. Evra is waiting to see how long he'll be banned for this time

1. Aint That Just The Way That Life Goes Down Down Down – Well, it was bound to happen. As sure as eggs is eggs, the sky is blue and that Mrs. Marlon King will be enjoying a nice relaxing few months, John Terry was bound to score the winner against Man Utd sooner or later. From the second Mr. Chelsea ‘did a Baggio’ in Moscow, it was a shoe in  that he’d get that cathartic moment to exorcize some demons somewhere along the line. Football loves that sort of thing. Baggio himself took and scored a penalty for Italy at Euro 96, as did Italia 90 fluffer Stuart Pearce, causing a riotous outbreak of primal screaming (which is, incidentally, also the mating call of the Pearce family) while David Beckhams penalty against Argentina in 2002 brought similar closure to the biggest ordeal in the icons career. I could fill this column ten times over with examples of this kind of ‘footballing fate’, and not all of them International tournament penalties! Michael Owen, for example, is bound to score against Liverpool at some stage in his Manchester United career, and would have surely fulfilled this prophecy at Anfield had Jamie Carragher not played Dawkins to my believer and hauled him back like a child being dropped off by his mother at a party for someone he doesn’t know. He will score at Old Trafford though. I don’t believe in fate, but I do believe in football.

2. One Pill makes you lager and one pill makes you small… – But whichever pill you take, it’s going to be a very bitter one to swallow if you’re a Manchester United fan. After comprehensively outplaying the league leaders and in-form side at their own ground, United inexplicably came away with nothing more than a simmering sense of injustice. Some Chelsea fans will tell you they were robbed in the Champions League final (which, if you have an incredibly selective memory which starts around the 45 minute mark, is probably true) but whatever feeling of justice/injustice you take from this game, the fact remains that United have now lost 2 games in the 3 they’ve played against their ‘Big 4’ rivals. And both have been facilitated by controversial referring decisions. While defeat at Anfeid could be taken with good graces after a performance that hardly merited reward, United fans can rightly feel hard done by here. They simply didn’t get the calls…..

3. The Boy Who Cried Wolf –…. Except one. Didier Drogba is an enigma of a player. On occasion the best practitioner of his art in the world, and on occasion a hindrance to his teammates. On occasion he is a seemingly gracious and decent man. Anyone who has seen him interviewed will testify that he comes across far better than expected, because on occasion he comes across as a complete and utter bell end. It probably doesn’t help his likeability that he has the mean angry face of a warlord. Or more accurately, someone playing a warlord in a film about African warlords…. Or pirates, yes! pirates. He has his hair done like Johnny Depp doing Captain Jack Sparrow so pirate is a better one. A pirate warlord…Or an actor playing a pirate war lord. Yes, that sounds right. And for someone who looks like an actor playing a pirate war lord in a film about angry African pirate war lords, (someone should write that, El Hadj Diouf could be a mischievous cabin boy) he acts like a ridiculous prima donna at times. The footage of him and Jens Lehman playing a sort of narcoleptic game of tag, most likely viewed by every referee in the country a hundred times, makes it hard for any of them to take him seriously when he genuinely is hurt. It didn’t really help that he decided the best way to draw attention to his plight was to spasm rather unsubtly like he was being electrocuted in particularly surreal version of the board game ‘Operation’, but I think we can assume that he genuinely was hurt after being fly kicked in the chest by Johnny Evans.. Quite clearly it was foul, possibly a penalty to Chelsea and probably a red card for Evans, but with Drogba, much like Ronaldo before him, reputation is everything…And if you cry wolf enough times….

4. Schadenfreude – One man who certainly had no sympathy with him was Nemadja Vidic. The man whom he’d attempted to slap in Moscow 2 years ago, an act which many Chelsea fans thought merited his sale from the club at the time, seemed to find the whole business terribly amusing. As Drogba lay twitching ridiculously on the deck, the camera cut to Vidic on the near side touchline looking on and grinning like a Cheshire cat who’d just got the cream, and then realized it was self replenishing and everlasting and could also turn into string whenever he wanted…or something like that. Whatever cats like, I hate cats personally.

5. Goodeeeevnening…Mr. Anderson – One of the odd things about football (as opposed to more stat/point based games like tennis or baseball) is that different people can have wildly varying opinions on player’s performances. Everyone seems to think that Wayne Rooney was exceptional yesterday, whilst I thought he was very poor in the first half, sloppy in possession and bad at decision making, only rising to ‘very good’ in the second. Anderson on the other hand was commanding, rarely if ever caught in possession, was never out muscled and, along with the  ever impressive Darren Fletcher, controlled the game in midfield for United, leaving the ‘big name’ trio of Ballack, Deco and Lampard, second best on their own pitch. He also kept running into brilliant goal scoring positions in the first half only to not be picked out by his teammates, presumably because they thought there was very little point. Yet, strangely, most of the papers seem to have him down as a standard 6 or 7 and all the Chelsea fans I’ve talked to seem to think he was ‘nullified’. Ey? Whilst still ‘promising’ and not there yet, those who doubt that he can become a World Class central midfielder should remember that although he may have been outclassed against Barcelona in Rome (along with the rest of the team) he has still managed to best Gerrard, Fabregas and Lampard on their own turf in his 2 and a bit seasons in England. Not many 21 year olds can say they’ve done that (except for maybe Fabregas himself!)

6. I’ll be Missing You – One of the reasons Rooney may have seemed off the pace in the first half for people like me who “obviously don’t understand football” (or some other rubbish like that), is that without Ronaldo to finish off his hard work, it’s often left unrewarded. While it is an obvious and boring cliché to say ‘United miss Ronaldo’ whenever they loose a game, that conclusion is hard to ignore in a match such as this which they dominated without ever finding, or even really look like finding, the cutting edge. That performance, with Ronaldo on the pitch, would have yielded a 2-0 victory for United in my book.

7. Da Dum Da Dum…Click Click – Ray ‘Butch’ Wilkins looks exactly like Uncle Fester from the Addams Family as played by Christopher Lloyd. Exactly. He’s only going to get fatter and his eyes are only going to get more deep set in his old age, so we might as well just put him in a brown monks smock and wheel him out only for Halloween parties. Look

Ray 'Butch' Wilkins

8. I Hate You So Much Right Now! – Rather than concentrate our energies ranting and raving about a ‘biased ref’, I’d much rather we turn our attention to Chelsea themselves. Not only do they posses the largest collection of unlikable players ever assembled in one team. (Terry, Drogba, Anelka, Cashley, Mikel, Lampard before his mum died and he pwned that radio host…there’s probably more), as if it’s some kind of purposeful attempt to collect them, they are genuinely bad sports as well, making incidents like Drogba’s injury, a horrible one in truth and something thuggish to actually wish on someone – all the harder to feel too bad about. On at least 3 occasions in the first half Chelsea players went down holding their face, or another part of their body after clearly fouling a United player, just to try and deflect attention away from their foul. After Terry had brought down Valencia in the box and gotten away with it, he then raised his hands to his lips back and forth in an action suggestion he was ‘checking for blood’. Carvalho twice raised my ire, firstly by dribbling the ball away after the whistle had gone, enticing Johnny Evans’ booking and rightfully being booked himself, and secondly after Valencia had missed his chance in stoppage time, by running right up to him, Keown like, and clapping in his face vitriolicly (also visible on the highlights). A pathetic, thoroughly unclassy gesture that summed up why many fans don’t hold the same respect for Chelsea as they do for other clubs.

9. I’m Ready For My Close Up Mr DeMille – Apparently Wayne Rooney mouthed something into the Camera at full time, something about a felt pen or svelte men?  or maybe it was kelp ban?. I’d support that, I hate kelp. Couldn’t really make it out though I’m afraid, sorry. Did anyone else? We should all do our best to help the authorities I feel…I’m sure it was something about health plans??

10. Somewhere Over The Rainbow…- Whilst this may be another defeat to a Top 4 rival, the manner in which we lost should give us much consolation. We outplayed them on their own patch and, but for a bit of luck, should have won comfortably. We may have lost 3 already this season (something Alan “you don’t win anything with Kids” Hansen thinks is too many) but both Arsenal and Chelsea have lost 2, and still have to play us in the return fixtures. The title is still very much within our reach, and after regaining something like top form against the side likely to be our biggest rivals, I see nothing to get worried about at all….In fact, I’m starting to feel better about this season already.