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So, after all the buildup and promise of drama, it was inevitable the last day of the season would turn out to be a boring, predictable affair with nothing dramatic at all occurring, wasn’t it? …Shut up. This is what I’ve decided to pretend happened No one can tell me otherwise. Anyway:

Cultural lessons with Luis – As we all know, Luis Suarez was cruelly victimized by the over zealously enforced etiquette of British culture this season…after a French person from Senegal accused him of being a racist. However, in the aftermath of his unfair punishment, Luis is determined to be the bigger man, and combat the barriers of British ignorance. He will do so by educating. Demonstrating the ways of his own culture (which he made up) so we may all learn and be better, more open-minded people. This week Luis brings to us the following:

The friendship forearm – Unlike here where a forearm smash to the face might be considered an act of aggression or intent to harm, in Suarez’s culture it is by contrast a term of sincere endearment. Much like a particularly enthusiastic hug, or racist taunt.

the karate kick of world peace – Sneakily karate kicking someone as they run off might be considered a cowardly and violent move in our or indeed most cultures, but in doing so, Luis is simply showing his discontent with various world leaders and nations not being able to co-exist in harmony. Being on the receiving end of such a gesture is in reality a huge honour, as Luis believes that you too can help bring about a golden age of peace and prosperity.

the nutmeg of nazi disapprovement – If Luis Suarez nutmegs you, you might think he’s mocking your ability as a footballer. In fact, it means he thinks that you, John Terry, are an extremist nazi sympathiser who should be sent back to Dagenham and left to rot in the gutter. Luis cannot condone extreme nazism as he is a believer in only regular or alternative nazism.

More cultural lessons from Luis will be brought to you as and when he sees fit to better us all with his noble teachings.

Cultural lessons with Joe Barton – When Joey Barton goes into some kind of seething mad violent rampage and starts kicking, elbowing and headbutting everyone in sight, it’s not because he’s trying to start a third world war, he’s merely trying to warn you that yes, no matter how much of a twat you think he is, it’s possible for him to become an even bigger one.

John Terry, Captain Sabotage – Yep, I’m going after all the fascists this week. Now there’s no doubting John Terry is a very good defender, or that he’s full of this strangely admirable yet horrible determination to just sort of, never go away. When it comes to being a captain of himself, John Terry is, like it or not, a winner. However, why doesn’t anyone in football ever notice just how awful he is at being a captain of others? In his role as captain this season alone he a) tried to sabotage Chelsea’s Champions League campaign, b) during the week, almost single-handedly sabotaged their diminishing chances of finishing 4th , c) Became the first England captain to lead his country to disgrace and get his manager sacked, before the tournament had even started. Notable past achievements also include sleeping with his team mate’s girlfriends, trying to initiate a player mutinee in the middle of a world cup, and costing Chelsea the Champions League by deciding to leave the most important penalty of the night to himself, and then missing it. Am I missing something here? Is football really this stupid?

Blackburned – Emotions spilled over from the terraces and onto the pitch on Monday night, literally. Further confirming my suspicions that emotions are mostly just a poor excuse for people to be stupid. First, a chicken was released onto the pitch…someone had obviously planned this, gone to great lengths to tie a Blackburn flag to a chicken, bring it all the way from home, smuggle it into the ground (presumably by wearing it as a wig?) and then sit there with it until kick off. All so they could release it onto the pitch…and then it gets taken away, and nobody cares, and the game carries on. If that wasn’t enough, following the game and Blackburn’s relegation, many fans couldn’t contain their anger, and rushed furiously onto the pitch in order to…walk around pointlessly next to Paul Robinson pretending to be his mate and giving him advice. Blackburn Rovers fans only seem to bother staying until the end of games if its to make some kind of weird demonstration about how much they hate Blackburn Rovers.

Transfer rumours – The worst thing about the end of the season isn’t the painful horror of defeat, or a summer spent agonising over it, or even having to endure conversations about mundane subjects like cricket, or the weather for a few months. It’s listening to months of idiots making up stupid rumours about their club signing certain players, and then convincing themselves the rumours must be true, even though they just made them up themselves…and then having to watch via the medium of social media as these people get gradually more agitated and annoyed at their club still not signing said players as the summer progresses, until by the start of the next season, they’ve become frothing mad lunatics, convinced that the future of the universe depends entirely on Wesley Sneijder joining United before the transfer deadline. which he wont and was never going to do, because the whole idea of him doing so was probably conceived by some 16-year-old in Hull called Robert, and had about as much reality attached to it as a time travelling Unicorn with rainbows for feet.

The title race – If this was actually a race, surely both of the leading drivers would have been disqualified for dangerous driving, and the winners medal awarded to Newcastle for being the only person in the entire front pack not to at some point try and set fire to their own car (and you know it’s bad when Newcastle are the most sane one of the bunch).

Congratulations are in order for City (despite them technically not leading the race until after everyone else had crossed the finish line). Putting my United hat on for a minute though, I’ve been trying to pin down what made the difference, and found there are two different lines of thought. The first is the excuses. Would United have picked up the 1 extra point required if Vidic had been fit all season? It’s more than likely they would have. How about if THAT penalty hadn’t been awarded to Newcastle at Old Trafford? There’s an almost definite extra two points…but this is all subjective. If United had picked up the extra point or two somewhere along the line, who’s to say they wouldn’t have then squandered them somewhere else?  Then there’s the other side of the coin which comes to mind. For example, all six of United’s games against Spurs, Chelsea and Arsenal, coming conveniently at points when these sides were either in poor form or ravaged by injuries. City on the other hand were confronted by two of Arsenal and Chelsea’s best performances of the season. The conclusion I invariably come to with this is that luck always happens during a season, and the key is usually to overcome it.

So here’s the other line of thought, and where I prefer to see the difference: I look at City and ask “could they have done or wanted it more than they did?” and the answer is probably no. If anything they almost blew it twice over by wanting it a bit too much. Cool heads deserted them at vital times as nerves took over and their performances deteriorated into 90 minute panic festivals, but in the end sheer determination has just about got them there. Then I look at United and ask the same question, and my mind drifts back to the first half of the Everton game, where United responded to having a chance to win the league the same day, by being bafflingly determined to give the impression they couldn’t care less. Then I look at the game at Eastlands the following week, where instead of trying to re-seize the initiative, United backed into a corner, covered up and held out for the bell…and then I look at games like Liverpool at home, where United were in control and could have gone on to win by three or four goals, but instead switched into cruise control. Could United have done or wanted it more? Almost certainly yes, and there’s a difference that over the season is probably just about worth a meagre point or two, and which has nothing to do with luck.

City deserved it, just, and maybe for United, the realisation that there is no top of the mountain to sit on, is exactly what they need after five or six years of medals almost being delivered on a plate. They will, with Ferguson in charge, almost certainly come back determined to be stronger and make fewer mistakes.

You’ve Been Valencia’d - This week featuring John O’Shea, who was Valencia’d so badly, it caused him to suffer a season ending injury inside the first half. O’Shea was subsequently replaced by Phil Bardsley, who would later be Valencia’d into a season ending injury.

Things that would no longer surprise me about this season – Barcelona winning the Champions League final after Victor Valdes runs onto the pitch and scores a 98th minute winner, which mysteriously UEFA allow to stand; Manchester City nearly throwing away the league title again a further 3 times despite the season already being finished; England to actually do well in the Euros

…ok, so the last one is a bit of a stretch.

Awards

Randomly remembered player award – Jay Jay Okocha; Okocha was a key figure at Bolton Wonderers back in around 2003. This was also around the time Sam Allardyce acquired his reputation as a long ball manager…by signing loads of technically gifted players and turning Bolton into a decent footballing side. Okocha was perhaps the most technically gifted of these players, turning Bolton’s pointless drudge through the fixture schedule into a carnival of showboating and needlessly extravagant  backheels. Although this made Bolton no less pointless, it did make them slightly less depressing. Okocha was also a rare victim of anti-racism. Allowed to get away with and be applauded for arrogant showboating due to his perceived coolness, where other, less dreadlocked players would likely have been roundly hated and kicked into early retirement by angry faced defenders. As I don’t currently have access to Wikipedia, I don’t know anything about Okocha other than this.

U-turn award – Match of the Day expertly proclaim Manchester City as “the best team individually and collectively”, less than three weeks after proclaiming Manchester United as “the better team as a collective”

Smalltimery award – Sunderland fans doing the poznan to celebrate their non-existent relevance in the Manchester title race.

A heartfelt plea – To Blackpool and Ian Holloway; please, on behalf of all that is good and decent in this world, beat West Ham in the Play Off final.

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A late edition this week, due to most of the football taking place on Sunday (even though I’ve commented on almost none of Sunday’s football);

Out with the old, in with the old – A word on last Monday night’s derby first off. Manchester United seemed to compound their attempt to spend the season moving by standing still, by selecting a team with more players who would have played in this fixture had it been last season, than would have actually played in this fixture had it been last season. Abandoning strengths and principles to put up a brick wall and try to force Manchester City to stay still with them. City of course just shrugged their shoulders and carried on walking. United very kindly built a doorway into the brick wall for them. Hindsight they say is a wonderful thing, but I can’t have been the only Manchester United fan with a gormless “why have we thrown this game away?” look on their face when the teams were announced before the game had even kicked off. I would congratulate Manchester City on their now almost certain league win, but since there has already been more bottling this season than in a Coca Cola factory, It would seem wise to hold fire.

Ji Sung Parker – Was there any part of the game on Monday night during which Ji Sung Park wasn’t in the process of falling over? He was falling over whenever he got the ball. He was falling over whenever he ran after the ball. He even started falling over himself falling over. Overlapping one falling over with the next by accidentally falling himself into a position of falling over, whilst already falling over. An endless display of flailing limbs crumbling seemingly endlessly towards the ground, like some kind of human waterfall, or an accidental version of Robert Pires.

Hating Manchester City players – It should be easy by now, what with them all earning more money in a minute than I do in a year, in order to soulessly parade around crushing all of my dreams…and yet, somehow it isn’t. Infuriatingly (yet at the same time not infuriatingly), many of their players are not yet dislikable at all. Fair enough, Tevez makes up for a fair chunk of that single-handedly, but even he’s descended more into a kind of long running fat joke. Plus, he’s got that distantly confused expression of someone who’s too detached from their surroundings and awareness of their own actions to be reasonably held accountable for either, and the best I can come up with other than him is disliking Gareth Barry and James Milner for their extremely generically shaped heads.

Know your role – The cynic in me thinks there was no act of media defiance from the FA over Hodgson…and that the half pigeon, half owl creature was only given the England job because Spurs wouldn’t play ball with ‘Arry’s contract compensation. However, the resulting furore has amused me greatly. The journalist reaction to the appointment has been much like a spoilt little child throwing a hissy fit because mummy wont buy them a new toy pram to throw all of their other toys out of. What is it with Journalists and football? None of them seem to understand that they’re job is to describe the picture, not try to pretend they’re part of it, or alter it to their own preference. They use press conferences to try and bully managers. They use their position of responsibility to publish agenda ridden bile or score little man points over petty disputes with people actually involved in the game. They appear on television eating breakfast with Jimmy “the chin” Hill, bickering arrogantly about the significance of their own pieces, as if their opinions exist to shape the world itself. I can’t be the only one who finds all of this revoltingly tiresome and entirely more unprofessional than anything anyone’s pretended Mario Balotelli has done recently.

“You don’t mess with Joe Jordan” – I thought we’d heard the last of this line being trotted out every time Jordan’s gargoyled face gets pictured on the Spurs bench, but alas, Sky couldn’t help themselves but to indulge yet again on Wednesday night. Here’s the thing; I don’t care if Joe Jordan is a supposed hard man, since it’s not a school playground, and in any case he’s just some guy who sits on the Tottenham bench. What was he going to do, stare Kevin Davies’s teeth down the back of his throat from 50 yards away? You probably don’t want to mess with the Green Beret fifth elite regiment either…but what’s it got to do with anything? Who cares? Apparently Gattuso “came off worse” the last time too…so an incident where Gattuso and Jordan shouted at and pushed each other a bit, has over time already evolved into Gatusso being handed some kind of brutally violent beat down by the legend of Joe Jordan. Don’t mess.

Earnshaw’s annual play-off appearance – Since the dawn of footballing time (well, since 1987) there has existed the football League play-offs, and since the dawn off the football league play-offs, there has existed the golden rule, that at some point during the football league play-offs, Robert Earnshaw will appear as a late substitute in place of someone he should have started the game ahead of in the first place.

The enforced romance of the FA Cup – Here’s the thing, if you decide to de-value the FA cup by scheduling it on a League fixture day, you can’t then claim the lost sense of significance back by moving all except one of the league games to the next day. All that does is make it a crap league fixture day…and since when did it become so important nothing clashes with the 3PM kick off of the FA cup final, that even the FA cup final isn’t allowed to kick off until after it technically should have finished? You’ve a hard enough job on your hands making an occasion appealing when Didier Drogba is genuinely the most likable character involved in the whole affair.

The premature failure of goal line technology – Almost before Andy Carroll’s header had even been clawed away by Peter Cech’s fingertips, the inevitable renewed calls for goal line technology had begun. Clive Tyldesley could barely wait to whip out the “when will the authorities learn” card. This shameless monologue from ITV continued after the game. Shameless because despite their TV coverage coming complete with all the goal line technology their hearts could desire, the best method they could come up with to determine if the ball had crossed the line, was to go around asking all the players. Is this what the video ref would have done then?

Luis Suarez – Why did the one man culture think he was going to change the linesman’s mind about whether to award a goal by running up and repeatedly shouting the word “one!” at him? Is this another cultural thing? Does the term “one” mean “that was a goal you useless twat” in Uruguay?

Awards! -

Energizer Bunny award – Ashley Young

Extremely unbiased commentary award – Niall Quinn

Randomly remembered player award – Francis Jeffers. Jeffers (a striker, apparently) is one of only three players to have been involved in a transfer to or from Everton in the last 20 years. He left them to join Arsenal in 2001. He probably wishes he hadn’t, as this coincided with it becoming apparent how useless he was. A thoroughly dislikable individual, the most memorable moment about Jeffers spell at Arsenal was when Peter Ozgood remarked that someone should break his legs. Should someone have actually broken his legs, it would arguably have improved him as a player. Jeffers now spends his time playing for Newcastle United. No, not that Newcastle United, the other much more rubbish one, in Australia.

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Mostly focusing on the champions League this week, due to the utter insanity which ensued, and comparative dullness of the weekend’s fixtures:

Barcenal – I remember jokingly commenting after a pre-season friendly against Manchester United, that Barcelona signing Fabregas to try and freshen their squad would “turn them into Arsenal”…I obviously wasn’t being entirely serious, but, did I not see Barcelona pass the ball around completely aimlessly on the edge of the opposition box for 45 minutes the other night, and then concede a goal when the other team simply booted it up the pitch? Even Arsenal would struggle to be as Arsenal as this. They also in doing so stole the other Arsenal trademark of knocking themselves out of Europe and the domestic title race within the space of one week. I was half expecting Wenger to mysteriously appear on the sideline squatting around and fiddling furiously with his tie.

Di Matteo’s gremlin celebration – Here’s something I don’t ever want to see again. His face shrivelled up into the middle of itself and he looked like he was trying to use his hands to crush whoever’s head he could lay them on into the size of a walnut. Several people were frantically trying to calm him down and separate his hands away from each other. Clearly anyone managing Chelsea (doing what John Terry tells them to) needs to be on some kind of mind control medication, but at times the side effects are more than a little concerning.

The perils of the Nou Camp – There’s been lots of theories as to why Gary Neville made that weird noise on Tuesday night, most of which have centered around him relieving himself in some way, yet despite all the talk, no one has mentioned the obvious; In seeing Torres race clear, Neville excitedly jumped from his seat, and, like anyone else who does this in the Nou Camp, plummeted 700ft to the stadium floor.

Poetic justice – I didn’t want Chelsea to win the Champions League. I couldn’t put my finger on why, but then on Tuesday it became clear…John Terry plays for them. His removal from the equation coincided with a sudden change in my stance on the game, and now I’m conflicted for the final. Imagine if Chelsea win it. After waiting five years to exercise his 2008 Champions League demons, Terry would have to sit and watch his team win the Champions League IN SPITE of him. Being the self-centered narcissist he is, this will eat up at him (hence the attempt already being made to make the night all about him). He might muscle in on the celebrations, but this will only make them seem more shallow and further stain his character (it’s amazing how this is even still possible). He can’t even sit there and secretly hope Bayern win, because if they do, against a depleted Chelsea defence, the person who will be most to blame is John Terry. Whoever wins, John Terry loses…it’s like someone’s asked me what the perfect scenario for a football match not involving United would be, and then created it.

Interviewing players after games – Right, can someone tell me what the point of doing this actually is? Every single professional footballer seems to be sent on the same interview training course, where they’re all taught to answer each question exactly the same as each other whilst conveying no hint of emotional response. As soon as a player differentiates from this, they mysteriously stop being allowed to appear at post game interviews, or in extreme cases, disappear entirely. Even when Geoff Shreeves seized his opportunity to crush Ivanovic’s dreams, the robotic response mechanism still kicked in to override all conveying emotions and prevent anything of note being said. It’s like all footballers have become that blue guy from The Watchmen, except without the part where they go mad and build a giant clock on Mars for no apparent reason.

The fat, ridiculously German lady – What’s the most sure you can be that you’ve lost a football match before it’s actually finished? How about when you’re two goals and a man down away to Barcelona…obviously not. What about if you’re 4-0 down inside 30 minutes and are Newcastle…no, because the other team might be Arsenal instead of Wigan. So how about if your hopes rest entirely on the opposition missing a penalty, and the person taking it is called “Bastian Schweinsteiger”…if someone with a name like that stood with their back to goal and booted a penalty in the wrong direction, the ball would still swerve round and fly into the top corner.

Arjen Robben – It’s come to my attention that he doesn’t seem to wear a shirt like most players. He merely grafts the colours of his team’s kit onto his naked, alien like body. As a result he always looks slightly like he’s just escaped from the Tour De France. Is there a medical reason for this or is it just that he’s some kind of weirdo?

Super Sunday League – QPR and Blackburn decided to spend Sunday having a “who wants to be relegated the most” contest. Granted, this is wat both teams have spent most of the season doing, but there seemed to be a desire to really up the ante this time. QPR put in a valiant effort with their whack-a-mole defending and losing the game after 30 seconds, but Blackburn were not to be denied, playing so badly that for the first time ever, it became physically impossible for Spurs to defeat themselves. Remember, Blackburn are the team who lost a league game to Liverpool this season, despite being given two penalties and the Liverpool reserve goalkeeper being sent off, in the first half. It’s unwise to take them on in any kind of feebleness contest.

Pigeons – It’s been a relatively sane weekend. Nothing particularly out of the ordinary or worrying has happened. You decide to go for a run on a Sunday evening, and then when you get back, the FA are trying to put a pigeon in charge of English football. What is it with the FA and purposely doing everything backwards? They build stadiums by knocking them down, they build foreign relations by trying to start a war with the Russians, and they choose the most expensive possible way to get rid of a manager, and the cheapest possible way to appoint one. Just remember that every time you buy an England ticket, or a replica shirt, this is what your money is being used to make possible.

The biggest Manchester Derby of all time – They’ve said this before every Manchester Derby for the last four years now, except this time they actually mean it (like they did the last time). Despite my rant at United last week, I still believe the correct result would see them emerging with the preferable outcome, although they obviously have to earn it. I’m torn on who’s been the better team over the course of the year, but here’s the thing; City have sold their soul in pursuit of success this season…enough to even have Chelsea fans cringing. Presumably the van which was paraded around before the last derby allowing fans of both teams to dispose of their Tevez shirts, will be driving around at Eastlands on Monday giving all of the City ones back? Will Balotelli become the latest player never to never play for Manchester City again, in front of his home fans at the United Stadium? Will Patrick Vieira be on hand to lend moral support to his beloved club wh he played for about five times? It’s all a bit of a manufactured joke. United would be doing the footballing world a favour by not letting it lead to some kind of meaningless triumph.

Awards!

Randomly remembered player award – Ade Akinbiyi; Akinbiyi was a Leicester City player from 2000-2002. He was most notable for being the worst finisher in the history of English football. If Akinbiyi had converted just 20% of his chances in the 2001-2002 season, Leicester would have won the league with a staggering 200+ goal difference. Instead, they were relegated, with Akinbiyi (their main striker), scoring a total of 2 goals. Akinbiyi’s most notable performance that season being against Derby, where he missed so many clear chances, the highlights package on ITV had to be edited down to a 10 minute clip fastforwarding through each one. Akinbiyi became somewhat of a comedy legend, as each week, fresh clips emerged of him missing open goals from 2 yards out, or tripping over the ball when rounding the keeper. However, he has since eluded blooper reel enthusiasts by leaving Leicester and only playing for obscure teams from unknown parts of the world, such as the Houston Dynamos, or Burnley.

The “You’re obviously going to spoon this penalty you plank” award – Sergio Ramos

Services to the community award – Southampton, for winning on Saturday and potentially condemning West Ham and their army of angry, hate filled fans to another season of misery outside of the top flight.

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A special grumpy edition following today’s unfavourable results. Not that it’s especially grumpier than usual, but this time there’s a semi valid excuse:

The Scott Parker Sponsored PFA player of the Year – It’s that time again, when a bunch of players who scored some goals in August are nominated as potential player of the year candidates, even though everyone who’s allowed to vote, already has. What’s particularly impressive this year is that of the nominees, only Robin Van Persie, beyond reasonable argument, has been the best player at his club. Kompany avoids nomination despite being City’s most consistent performer, while Carrick and Valencia make way for the sometimes good, sometimes dropped for going out on the piss Wayne Rooney. Scott Parker’s name is of course already imprinted as one of the nominees on every ballot paper…in fact Scott Parker delivered them to each individual player personally, running to each address on foot, heroically doing the Royal Mail’s job slightly less efficiently than an actual postman would have. If Van Persie doesn’t win, surely it’s time to stop letting footballers have any say in anything to do with football.

McCarthery – It occurred to me on Monday night that both of Wigan’s central midfielders (James McCarthur) are exactly the same person (James McCarthur). This is no doubt connected in some way to Wigan’s recent improvement in performances. The most likely explanation is that there are actually three James McCarthurs, with the third one sneaking on just after kick off. They then simply make sure that all three of each other don’t stand too close together and get caught. This would also explain how James McCarthur was able to close down every single Manchester United player at the same time the other week, and gives some insight into the dark arts involved in insuring Wigan’s undeserved Premiership survival year after year.

The rise and fall, and fall, and fall again, and again, of Didier Drogba – Dider Drogba is back, in every sense. The marauding, unplayable Didier Drogba, who doesn’t actually do much marauding at all because he spends 85 minutes of each game lying on the floor. Drogba picked up more injuries on Wednesday night than Owen Hargreaves trapped inside a washing machine. I don’t know whether I have lost or gained respect for him in this instance, since it was so blatantly pre-arranged, he’d effectively volunteered to sacrifice his dignity on behalf of giving his team mates a breather (every 2 minutes). What I didn’t understand about this tactic is that he was in reality much more effective at relieving pressure on his team mates when he was on his feet, creating havoc in the Barcelona back line. Besides that, if there’s one thing more daft than trying to lure Barcelona into a who’s the best at football contest, it’s trying to lure Barcelona into a who’s the best at cheating contest. Drogba will not be allowed within 50ft of the ball next week without it turning out he elbowed the man in possession in the face (the man in possession will inevitably be a Barcelona player as, from memory, Drogba was the only non Barcelona player to touch the football during the first leg).

Chelsea – Furthermore, with regards to Chelsea’s tactics…The only thing they possibly had riding on the game at Arsenal on Saturday was their battle to finish fourth…So is it just me who bothered to do the relatively simple maths involved and realise playing for a draw was a very bad idea? Di Matteo claimed he doesn’t gamble after the game, which is probably just as well.

Haircut mythology – A team of dedicated historians and experts of ancient language are still trying to decipher the message imprinted on the left side of Florent Malouda’s haircut. As near as they can figure thus far, it indicates that he’s a twat.

Emerging from Messi’s shadow – I didn’t get to see the much-anticipated El Classico at the time of it taking place, so imagine my surprise when I sat down this morning with my Sky+, expecting to fast forward through the various dives, tantrums, Mourinho red cards and arrogant looking beards in order to catch the five minutes or so of actual football…only to be greeted instead with a full-blown football match breaking out. It was a most welcome change. However, the game was still marred by the commentators need to repeatedly point out Ronaldo’s “poor record in recent El Classicos” (his record in recent El Classicos which is so poor, it’s better than any other player’s). Then of course, Ronaldo scored, and although this statement was still made several more times before the end of the game, Ronaldo’s name was mysteriously replaced with Messi’s, and suddenly Ronaldo had instead “emerged from Messi’s shadow”…Had he really? This makes about as much sense as Ronaldo literally emerging from Messi’s shadow, despite being twice as tall as him. Scoring one goal in one game now makes you better than the greatest player in the world (possibly ever)…where as scoring about four in the previous five against the greatest team in the world (possibly ever), is simply not good enough. Is it any wonder Gary Neville finds it so easy to look comparatively smart?

RnR – Fight night time now, featuring highlights of  the much-anticipated Robben vs Ribery rumble in the…dressing room. Final judges scorecards all reading a draw at 0-0 after each fighter was knocked down 10 times in each round despite not a single punch being landed, or thrown.

David Dunn – Is it just me, or does he only ever seem to appear at this time of year? Returning from an injury no one knew he had in order to rescue Blackburn’s season. Except he never actually rescues anything because he’s always too fat and slow to do anything useful, and then dies of exhaustion after about five minutes of each game anyway. He’s like Carlos Tevez’s useless, boring Irish cousin.

New manager syndrome – It might be a bit late to tell Wolves this, but new manager syndrome doesn’t really work if you skip the part where you actually get a new manager. You can’t just sack the old one and then do nothing. This is like fixing a flat tyre by removing your wheel and attempting to complete the rest of the race without it. I feel for the Wolves fans who’ll be making their way home in vain yet again tonight after another furious day of booing and leaving ten minutes into the second half.

Wasting time in stoppage time – This seems to be another devious trick that eagle-eyed officials are, inexplicably unable to comprehend. Spurs were given 5 minutes to find an equalizer against ten man QPR, during which the ball must have been in play for a total of about 30 seconds. THe ref saw fit to add an extra 20 seconds or so to compensate, which can mainly be attributed to the time it took for him to look at his watch. The same thing happened with Arsenal and Wigan on Monday. Is this some kind of rule book programming flaw? Do referees malfunction and explode if they have to accumulate stoppage time onto stoppage time?

It was the best of dives, it was the worst of dives – Ashley Young has come under extreme scrutiny this week after becoming roughly the 5,000th player to be attributed with the invention of diving. Several people have commented to me about how “bad” Ashley Young is at diving, where as several United fans have also told me he’s only getting so much stick because of the way in which he dives, and because he plays for United. Firstly, he’s won two penalties in two weeks by diving, this would not seem to indicate that he is “bad” at it at all. Secondly, the reason he’s been getting stick has nothing to do with the manner in which he dives, or shirt he wears…it’s because he’s won two penalties in two weeks, by diving. Surprisingly, this has a habit of annoying people. Gary Neville’s now twitter famous rant on diving summed up where it’s place lies in today’s game perfectly (if trying to shirk away from the possibility of eradicating it). Everyone’s at it, and everyone is worse at it than everyone else.

Not better, just arrogant – Whoever invented the famous slogan often pictured at Old Trafford must be starting to feel a bit daft now that their own team feels a constant need to almost willingly make a mockery of it. United have become the Mourinho’s Chelsea of 2012. Sucking all the joy out of their own football, leaving games dead and devoid of flair, zest or anything remotely fun. The difference is, it was a method with Chelsea. A cold and determined means to achieve the desired end result. Relentless and uncompromising in its determination. With United, it’s closer to the opposite. Playing as if enslaved, and forced out of bed in order to parade around for the entertainment of the masses. Refusing to do more than what they perceive to be the absolute basic requirement. Unable to comprehend or react when opponents dare not to stand for it. I will probably receive scorn as a United fan for saying this, but this team would in my eyes be the least deserving champions I can remember. They survive on talent, the increasingly unearned fear from opponents, and the drive of their manager. They do nothing to push themselves that bit further, almost making more of an effort to play within themselves than it would take not to. I wrote City off a few weeks back, but even the sight of the finish line has failed to shake United from their depression, and teams either in desperation or having nothing to lose, are starting to get less scared.

Awards:

Daniel Sturridge “how many times will he shoot when he should pass?” sweepstake winner – Me (I guessed 12).

Most predictable event ever to occur in a football match – Didier Drogba and Sergio Busquets challenge each other for a ball, and then both pretend to be fouled by each other.

Randomly remembered player award – Darren Ambrose. Formerly of Charlton FC, Ambrose would specialise in being consistently rubbish throughout a season, and then either scoring or nearly scoring a ridiculously long-range wonder strike EVERY FUCKING TIME he played against Manchester United. For added irritation, Ambrose came complete with a Craig Bellamy style punchable face. Eventually his lack of general footballing ability in games not against Manchester United caught up with him, and he was forced to relegate himself to the lower divisions of English football. Ambrose was last seen this season, playing for Crystal Palace in the Carling Cup, whilst scoring an unstoppable 50 yard piledriver against Manchester United. Fuck off Darren Ambrose.

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Apologies (not really) to all in advance this week as I managed to miss a lot of the actual football, so will be winging this week’s addition to a degree. Similar in many ways to Stoke’s approach to being a Premier League football team;

Wigan vs Manchester United, the directors cut – You know, the version where the director cuts half of the game in order to show extended coverage of Roberto Martinez’s face, or clips of Wigan fans sitting in their seats not doing anything. How about five minutes of David De Gea standing perfectly still? sure, why not, otherwise the slow motion replay of the linesman doesn’t have anything to fade into…now, quick 5 second clip of the game aaaaaaannnd cut to Ferguson cam. The real problem here will come the next time Manchester United play Spurs, and the director realises it isn’t actually possible to dedicate the required 50 minutes each to Sir Alex Ferguson and Harry Redknapp reacting to things (not that Redknapp’s melted face even has the capacity to visibly react to anything anymore), and as a result the entire game will just be presented as a split screen showing one half of each manager’s face (Also available in 3D on channel 454).

Faux pas self-pitying outrage – “Right, just as we take the corner, you deliberately go and stand by the keeper and obstruct him so he can’t challenge for the ball, even though we know this is against the rules, and then Moses, you head the ball into the goal by running into the space where the goalkeeper would have been…and, YES!!!, it worked, get in!….wait, what? the linesman’s disallowed it…WHY? …obstruction? That’s not fair! It’s not right! We’ve been cheated! We’re being victimized! It’s an OUTRAGE!”

Grow up, for fuck sake.

When I was your age – You know how sometimes during a game, the camera will cut to a veteran or retired player from yesteryear in the crowd, watching their beloved former team, no doubt longing to still be out there reliving the pinnacle of their own playing career from years past? Well…Ravel Morrison was pictured in the crowd during the FA Youth Cup semi final (I say pictured, they actually said “and there’s Ravel Morrison, the one in the hood” whilst showing a clip of some random people not wearing hoods). Things have really gone downhill since he stopped listening to his army of twitter life counsellors.

“You wouldn’t have denied him a goal if that’d gone in the net” – Well no, you wouldn’t, because it would have been a goal.

Liverpool tattoos – It’s come to my attention that a number of Liverpool players arms have been engulfed by some kind of ridiculously over exuberant tattoo. Is there a reasonable explanation for this? Is it just a mad coincidence or have a group of them formed some kind of street tattoo gang? (I’m scared). Former Liverpool player Raul Meireles also has a similar looking tattoo, though in his case it may just be that he hasn’t washed in ages and the dirt has formed into a pattern. I’m also told Daniel Agger owns a tattoo parlour, and this may be the reason, but so what? My friend manages a hair salon…it doesn’t mean I have to plat half my hair and dye the other half pink.

Carlos Tevez golf celebration – Does anything really need to be said here? This has been a season where football fans have sunk to new lows by revealing just how much of their self-respect, shame, and principles they are willing to sacrifice in the vain desperation to see their team win. On Saturday Carlos Tevez, a relatively stupid man, openly mocked fans everywhere for this, insulting all of our intelligence in the process. Meanwhile, a posse of Manchester City fans cheered and applauded him for doing so…Well done. Somewhere, another small part of football’s already dying soul has just rotted away.

Not giving up by giving up – Manchester City, the almost comeback kings. The team whose idea of fight was to unleash Balotelli onto the battlefield without building in a steering wheel. Who’s idea of never giving up was to lose by one goal instead of three, and then pretend it proved some kind of point, have finally thrown in the towel and declared themselves out of the title race. This has been signified by their sudden return to averaging about 18 goals a game and firing their way back into the title race. Of course this also has much to do with United’s insistence on trying to moon walk through games finally catching up with them, but it’s odd none the less. If only they’d given up much sooner, they’d probably already be champions by now.

How do you know the second half is about to start at Wembley? – Because no one’s bothered to go back to their seats yet

How do you know the second half has started at Wembley? – Because all of the Spurs fans have gone home

Scott Parker’s spitfire – Unreliable and temperamental at the best of times, it had a bit of an engine malfunction today. Flying uncontrollably around Wembley throughout the afternoon before eventually crash landing just inside the Chelsea half, evoking concern among both sets of players as a dazed and angry Captain Parker crawled from the cockpit. Highlights of Scott’s flight of chaos included him becoming the first player ever to foul an opposition player by lunging his chest dangerously into their studs, and the now trademark corner flag charge (nosediving the length of the pitch in order to try and win the ball by the opposition corner flag…about five seconds after the ball has been played back into midfield). Scott Parker has become so overrated I’ve started to feel sorry for him. The only times I notice him at all is when I notice him doing stuff wrong.

Sympathy for the devil – “Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name” ; – It’s Martin Atkinson, isn’t it? No really, it is. I know we SHOULD have sympathy for officials, but the sympathy I would have begins to weaken rapidly when instead of simply getting a decision wrong, a referee invents something which didn’t actually happen, in order to award John Terry a goal. Why not just rape my cat and spit all over my dinner whilst you’re at it, Martin?

Eye of the rat-weasel – Alan Green claimed to have clearly seen in real-time that Ashley Young had dived against Aston Villa, seconds after admitting he didn’t even watch the game (shortly after then changing his account to only seeing “bits of the first half”). This begs the question; Why are we still even employing oaf-prone referees when evidentally Alan Green could officiate every single game in real-time, simultaneously, whilst sat at home reading the paper?

Awards:

Randomly remembered player – Kiki Musampa – Musampa cropped up at Manchester City for a couple of years around 2005. Possibly the world’s slowest man, Musampa’s most notable moment came against Liverpool, when he burst into a casual stroll from the centre circle to, eventually, strike a thunderous volley into the top corner from the edge of the area. Musampa was also recognisable for his extremely sorrowful looking face. After being sent back to whoever it was Man City loaned him from, Musampa moved to Turkey, then Holland, then Korea, and then back to Holland again, playing roughly 1 game for each club he signed for in the process.

Best chant of the weekend – “Oh when the Spurs go marching out”

Worst chant of the weekend – “Carlos Tevez, he does what he wants”

stupidest chant of the weekend – Whatever the Chelsea fans were singing during the minute’s silence.

Robert Pires award – Ashley Young

RIP – Piermario Morosini

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Another week passes, and another bit less likely it becomes that UEFA will re-instate United into the second round of the Champions League, but still…

Chelsea vs Barca – What part of the TV coverage for this is likely to get extremely annoying first, the constant, ridiculous bias towards Chelsea over every single refereeing decision, and hyping up about them having Barcelona “on the ropes” every time they make it out of their own half? Or the constant need to remind everyone that Barcelona are the best team in the history of the world every time they string a few passes together? At least we wont have the repeated “victory for football” proclamations that accompanied the build up to last year’s embarrassingly one-sided Barcelona vs Arsenal tie. In fact, if Chelsea win, it’ll sort of be like someone ambushing football in a dark alley and brutally beating it to within an inch of its life.

John Terry, idiot man – John Terry has cracked his ribs. John Terry is well tough though. John Terry will play on through the pain. John Terry must also tell everyone how he’s playing on through the pain so they can all congratulate him on what a courageously tough leader he is…Guess what though John? People play through injuries all the time. Most of them don’t feel the need to announce to the world that they are doing so. Aside from not everyone being egotistical narcissists, there is a very good reason for this. Here’s a hint as to what that reason is; If I was playing against Chelsea next week, guess who’s ribs I’d accidentally elbow from every single set piece?

Blackburn Rovers fans – Do any of them actually support Blackburn, or generally know what it is they’re supposed to be doing? Judging by their usual attendance levels, about 90% of them only turned up to watch Manchester United on Monday night, and yet about 90% of them started to leave as soon as Manchester United started winning. What exactly did they turn up expecting to see then? Meanwhile, the other 10% are the ones that usually just turn up to protest against Blackburn Rovers.

Ronaldoism, with Gareth Bale – People have developed a habit of comparing Gareth Bale, often sarcastically (or unsarcastically, if they’re idiots), with Lionel Messi. I find this odd, since with each passing week, Gareth Bale looks more and more like someone desperately pretending to be Christiano Ronaldo. The diving, the attention seeking, the free kick posturing, the endless posing. It’s all there…well, it would be, except he’s missing the “score 50 goals a year and drag your team to the Champions League final” part, which is quite important. See here’s the thing. As a United fan, I could barely stand Ronaldo’s antics and posing when he played for United, I merely put up with it because he scored about half of our goals. Gareth Bale scores about ten goals a year. What does he think he’s doing? Why not just stick to being good at football instead of trying to incorporate being good at being a complete tit into the mix?

“That’s the kind of thing you would usually see in the WWE” – What, shirt pulling? Wrestlers don’t even wear shirts.

The Sky Generation – According to SkySports, United fans had to “bring themselves” to support London club Arsenal against tital rivals and hated local adversaries Manchester City. I can’t speak for all United fans, but personally, after much soul-searching, pondering and self conflict, I just about managed to bring myself to route for the draw.

Lee Mason – I know officials have a difficult job with the amazing speed of the game today and what not (this week alone Premiership football broke the sound barrier on 59 separate occasions), but was it possible to get that decision any more wrong? Not only was Ashley Young not onside, not fouled, and not about to score a goal, but Lee Mason reacted to it so quickly he actually sent off Derry about five seconds before the incident even occurred. The linesman will get stick for not flagging for offside…but how could he have when the red card was out before it was even clear if Young was interfering with play? Technically Lee Mason would have got this less wrong if he’d awarded a penalty to QPR.

Balotelli o clock – Congratulations to Mario Balotelli who, this weekend, broke the record for “most amount of times a player has made a complete twat of themselves in the space of one game” (The previous record of 9 was set last week, by Mario Balotelli). Amazingly, Balotelli even managed to make a twat of himself twice AFTER being sent off. First trying to square up to the referee, and then by taking longer to sulk off the pitch than Tim Krul takes to take a goal kick.

The great title race of 2012 – Every year, the title race is billed as being the “most exciting in years” as various teams are bigged up as “genuine contenders”, installed as favourites after racing into a 1 point lead, or hailed as the greatest side since that Brazil one from that World Cup no one can remember. Then, after Christmas, Spurs and Arsenal capitulate into a useless fumbling mess, any club who aren’t United or Chelsea crumble feebly under weight of their own self-induced expectation, and by the time the finish line is in sight, the title race has turned into the exact same two-way slug fest it has been since 2006…except this time Chelsea are so rubbish it’s actually the least exciting title race in years.

Kit watch – What’s with certain teams suddenly thinking it’s acceptable to play in orange? First Swansea, and now Newcastle are chancing their arm. This is how it works; unless you’re Holland, you’re not allowed to play in Orange. Playing in Orange when you’re not Holland, doesn’t make you look like Holland, it just makes you look like a cheap version of Blackpool. Unless you’re Blackpool, in which case it just makes you look like Blackpool.

Sir Alex vs Mancini – To be serious here for a second, I often think a lot of people (including United fans)  misunderstand exactly what it is that sets Sir Alex apart from everyone else. They’ll usually point to his tactical awareness, ability to manage his squad, spot a good signing, or point angrily at his watch. Whilst he’s hardly inept at any of these, they aren’t what make the difference between good and great.

Here’s why I really admire Sir Alex and think he’s unique; He will never, ever, say or do anything to make him or his team appear vulnerable or weak. It’s all about being the best, and with everything he does or says, every move he makes, constantly demonstrating he’s the best, that his team is the best. An endless display of superiority to the pretenders who might otherwise fancy themselves to take his throne. It’s why United fans are never going to hear him complain about the Glazers or the alleged lack of funds available to him…because doing so portrays weakness. If he knows he has a weakness, he’ll address it, but he’ll never admit to anyone that it’s there. Even when he’s complaining, it’s always with the air of demanding more from his team or those around him.

Compare that to Mancini. Increasingly of late, he comes out, says something that makes him sound weak, makes you question whether he really believes in his team or himself, and then he slumps off again. He’s not alone either. Benitez was the same, only insaner. Wenger’s been routinely reduced to a quivering wreck. Even Mourinho started bleating on about the inadequacy of his egg basket.  Ferguson could write a book on how to be a winner, and it’d be the best book on how to be a winner ever, because he wouldn’t allow himself to let it be any less.

This is what carries over to every Manchester United team he assembles, and constantly gives them the edge where any other team’s belief and composure would falter. I feel a bit for Mancini. I think he’s a nice guy who probably knows how to win, but he’s never faced anything like this before, and it’s making a fool of him. He’s starting to look like a man whose doctor has just told him he has a week to live…whilst driving off in a car with his wife…and pet dog.

Awards!

The “was he booked for diving, or was he booked because the ref thinks he’s a racist?” award – Luis Suarez

Live on air fight with a microphone award – Alan Parry

Randomly remembered player award – Andy Goram. Not the Andy Goram who used to play in goal for Manchester United. The other Andy Goram…who used to play in goal for Manchester United. Or rather, who played in goal once for Manchester United, against Coventry in 2001. This was the same game in which Ryan Giggs scored a 30 yard curling header, which everyone reacted to as if it was a perfectly normal thing to happen. Andy Goram also played some games for Scotland and a number of other teams, probably…I don’t care.

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The end of the season is getting closer. Games get more exciting, people get more angry, and football gets more and more silly:

Patrick Vieira – Desperate to make amends for his desperate attempt to criticise United by accusing them of being desperate, Vieira this week decided to give an interview to the BBC…in which he criticised United some more, and proclaimed that Manchester City “deserved” to be champions. Nothing annoys me more in football than people who decide they “deserve” things purely on the basis that they’ve decided they deserve them, but then Vieira is a former Arsenal player. Perhaps there was no room to put the brain back in when god decided to shrivel up Patrick’s head. Yes, he was lead on to criticising United by the BBC in this occasion, but no one forced him to say anything at all. If it’s supposed to be mind games, it doesn’t really work when you fail to engage your mind first.

Close but no cigar (in the eye) – Meanwhile at Eastlands, yet another stirring almost fight back from City. The blues have in fact become the indisputable almost comeback kings. Almost managing to strike fear into the hearts of opposition with their only just say die attitude. Ok, so this time they salvaged a draw, but at this point in the season and at home, a draw is worth about as much as the moral sense of accomplishment they achieved when throwing themselves out of the FA and Uefa cup. Almost comebacks though are at least a refreshing method of potential season capitulation, compared to Arsenal’s annual arrogance implosion, or Chelsea’s “spend middle part of season dying of old age” routine. Nearly look out everyone!

The unsightly return of Carlos Tevez – If Carlos Tevez ate the football and ran into the opposition net, would it count as a goal? This needs clearing up before it becomes a real issue. Would the whole of the Tevez have to cross the line, for example, because I’m not sure that’s possible without making the net significantly bigger, and other than this, I’m struggling to see why City have brought him back. Maybe it’s so he can fill the empty seats at Eastlands…all of them, at the same time…but then if they’d just flown over a few more complementary burgers, he could probably have done that without even having to leave Argentina. Other than that though I can only figure City have forgotten the rule with Tevez where he has to be completely useless for two months before remembering how to play football.

The Blackburn effect – United fans celebrating City’s latest almost comeback would do well to remember they’re away at Blackburn this coming Monday. Blackburn vs United pans out exactly the same almost every single year; United concede a cheap early goal, then Brad Friedel spends the rest of the game making about 50,000 impossible saves before United eventually salvage a draw in the last ten minutes. Even the fact Brad Friedel no longer plays for Blackburn failed to prevent this from happening last year, and in all likelihood will fail to do so again tomorrow night, with Garry Neville already having awarded him Man of the Match. More to the point, United looked so nervous against an unlucky Fulham side last week, that even in victory they almost managed to cast more doubt than assurance.

“You don’t get those at Old Trafford” – Unless you’re Arsenal, or Newcastle, or FC Basle, or Blackburn. This sentence, or some variation of it, has been said more times in the past week than Ronaldo has looked at himself in the mirror. A bizarre myth that started out as a convenient scapegoat for the weak, and which has since evolved into the world’s most lazy punditry cliché, with the possible exception of “they were first to every single loose ball”. Anyone caught muttering either of these sentiments should be immediately punished with a lifelong contract at Channel 5.

“Fighting” between team mates – Here’s what constitutes all out infighting and “dressing room meltdown” in the eyes of today’s football world:

“Can I take this free kick?”

“no”

“but I want to take it”

“no, go away”

Complete carnage I’m sure you’ll agree. Goalkeepers getting angry at their defenders about things also seems to have upgraded itself from normal to outrageous and “detrimental for team spirit”

Gone are the good old days when you coud put a cigarette out in a teammate’s eye, or have a good old-fashioned punch up in the centre of the pitch, and brush it off purely as a bit of banter. Joe Barton will be rolling in his twitter feed.

Violent conduct – Similarly, I’m becoming increasingly confused as to what this means. The word “violent” to me conjures up images of bloodshed, war, or Quentin Tarantino films. In the football world however, it means stuff like “raising you hand”, nearly threatening to headbutt someone, gathering around in a group and puffing your chests out at each other, or pointing aggressively. How long until referees start sending off Mario Balotelli just because he has an angry-looking face? Most of his alleged misdemeanors already seem to be based on the idea that he doesn’t smile enough.

Liverpool (again) – Remember the dark days when Rafa Benitez’s bizarre management tactics would hold Liverpool back and result in them finishing a distant fourth? Those have now evolved into the good old days. The second half of Liverpool’s season has instead become a challenge where in each week they’ll attempt to be slightly more embarrassing than the last. This was always going to be a big ask when the starting point was defending a racist, and then last week escalated to “losing to Wigan”, but remarkably Liverpool keep finding ways to better themselves. For one glorious moment it appeared as if Kenny Dalglish was going to attempt to put himself in goal against Newcastle, but presumably he’s keeping that in reserve. There are still seven more weeks to go after all.

Suarez’s furious arms – Whenever anyone on the other team does anything, Luis Suarez will claim it was handball and signify as such by jiggling one of his arms maniacally around in the air, and pointing frantically at it with the other one. This happens at least five times a game. He ought to be careful referees don’t start sending him off for violent conduct.

Arsene Wenger – It’s taken longer than usual this season, but the inevitable has finally happened, and Wenger has accused Arsenal’s opponents of beating them by not playing football enough. Apparently majoring in “smug sense of righteousness” when graduating from the Man City academy of morality. Perhaps the reason he’s left his ace excuse card up his sleeve for so long this season is because it’s taken until the last few weeks for Arsenal to actually start playing any football themselves.

Kit watch – There were erm, no strange kit clashes or enforced kit changes this weekend. Although anyone who can figure out what colour Swansea’s away kit actually is will receive a special prize. They’ve somehow discovered a new colour somewhere between orange, brown and red. A colour which judging by its extreme ugliness, wasn’t meant to be discovered.

and some awards:

The Juan Mata award for hitting the post in every single game for an entire season award – Juan Mata

The “I don’t understand the offside rule” award of shame – Alan Smith, Danny Murphy, Chris Coleman.

Randomly remembered player award – Stéphane Dalmat; Dalmat was one of the several thousand players who appeared for Tottenham Hotspur during the 2003/2004 season. His speciality was scoring by cutting inside the fullback and firing the ball into the bottom corner, then doing nothing for about a month, and then scoring the exact same goal again. Since being forced to leave Spurs due to the stadium capacity being insufficient to seat their full playing squad, Dalmat has played for a series or progressively worse French teams.

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Right, before this week’s blog I’m going to hold a minute’s applause in memory of my hat which I left in the pub the other night, and then subsequently found again…

And so, to the matters at hand:

“actually, I’m not quite dead yet” – We all hope Muamba makes as full and quick a recovery as possible of course, but it is a LITTLE bit weird to see football fans and teams up and down the country grieving and laying out mini shrines, in memory of someone who’s merely quite ill. It doesn’t really make sense. It’s almost become like a competition too, with each team and set of supporters trying to out care each other. Manchester United have received scorn for failing to post a get well message on their twitter page (which doesn’t exist), but will look to make amends on Monday with a pre-game Muamba parade, featuring a series of floats commemorating the life of Fabrice. Unless the Monty Python dead collector is still doing the rounds on Thursdays, this is all looking a bit premature isn’t it? Still, we should have seen this coming when Ashley Cole was allowed to release an autobiography at the mental age of 2.

“it’s important the Bolton players put the Muamba situation behind them today and concentrate on the game” – As the Bolton players walk out to an entire stand spelling “MUAMBA” in giant letters, and all wearing “Muamba” shirts on their backs. Ok then.

Pray for Muamba – Now let me start by saying I have absolutely nothing against people praying for another person’s health. We all show concern and compassion in different ways and that’s never a bad thing. It also doesn’t do any harm to pray unless you’re sat too close behind someone and accidentally judo chop them in the back. However, I have seen people, many people on the unconfined realm of stupidity that is twitter, actually congratulating THEMSELVES for praying Muamba better. To these people; Instead of revelling in your own perceived self glory, how about congratulating the people who actually did save Muamba’s life? If there is a God, I’m sure they would sooner praise a person whose actions helped save another, than someone who sits there and prays/does nothing. Which religion is this that teaches people praying to god to sort everything out is more important than what a person does? …oh that’s right, none of them. And in any case, typing #PrayforMuamba on the internet doesn’t actually constitute praying.

Plastic Vieira – Why are Manchester City trying to prove they’re not plastic by giving a former Arsenal player money to go around pretending to support them? All this really achieves is making the only team in the League who can’t sell out their ground despite actually paying people to turn up and support them. The ridiculous irony of Vieira accusing another football team of being “desperate” in these circumstances. Question; What’s more desperate? 37-year-old Paul Scholes coming back to earn a starting place on merit for one of the best teams in the country, and help them fight for a league title? Or 35-year-old Patrick Vieira coming back to support a team he played for about 3 times, and make increasingly outlandish remarks in the hope someone will notice him?

David “Rambo” Silva – If someone’s arm catches you in the jaw and it hurts really bad and you want to cry, what’s the best way to treat it? …that’s right, by wearing a bandage on a completely different part of your head. That’s minus 1,000 coolness points for Silva. Here’s another thing about Silva. He plays in behind the front men at City, much like Rooney does at United. Silva has 5 goals, Rooney has 27, although Silva does have 11 assists. More to the point, Silva has been poor at the key moments in the season thus far. Rooney has stood up with big performances and failing that, vital end product…who would most people say has had the better season? I’d bet Silva, on account of him possessing that Arsenal-esque ability to look really flash even whilst doing nothing. Although for me there’s a reason hidden in here why United have gained 8 points on City over the past few months.

Stoke – Is it just me, or is one of their stands named after a brand of dog food?

Chelsea – Which version of Chelsea is worse? The one that didn’t care on Wednesday against City, or the one that did care against Spurs on Saturday? The answer inexplicably, is probably both. City handed the game over on a plate during the week and still somehow found themselves winning, and then on Saturday…well, you know it’s bad when the other team plays for a draw, and yet you end up being the team lucky to escape with one…and this is resurgent, revitalised Chelsea, supposedly. Not sulking, capitulating Chelsea. I keep hearing the word transition, but in order to transist, you have to be in the process of changing things, and one of the few things that this shouldn’t be is the manager, every single year. Because as soon as you do that, any transition process that is in effect starts over. At present there is no transition, only wilting.

Liverpool – I’ve figured out what they are. They’re like the last meal request for Premiership teams on relegation death row. They pose and carry all the aura of a big club, but without the ability to play like one, allowing the likes of QPR and Wigan that one last fairy tale hoorah that they could never hope to achieve against any of the actual big boys. That’s what the Suarez episode was about…it was purely to maintain the aura and recognition of Liverpool FC that their results over the last [insert any timeframe up to 20 years] would otherwise not be able to do.

Uruguay volley man – As soon as I found out Coates had scored for Liverpool, I knew it was going to be some form of needlessly flash looking volley. That’s because this is the only type of goal Uruguayan defenders or midfielders know how to score. Due to the lack of needless ball juggling or keepy uppies sessions in the build up, Coates’ spectacular spinning overhead kick type thing would barely even be rated as average in the Uruguayan league. In fact, it probably wouldn’t have even counted as a goal. Peter Crouch’s effort on the other hand might have received a few half hearted applause in amongst the sarcastic yawns.

Emnes of Middlesbrough – No one who’s black and has dreadlocks should ever be allowed to be as rubbish at football as this man. In fact, all dreadlocked people need to be cool and amazing at everything in order to protect the positive stereotype I have of them. This does not mean running up the pitch with all the poise of a one-legged horse in an earthquake. Or hitting a shot with such blistering lack of pace, the goal keeper actually has to run from his goal and towards the ball to save it. It was also notable during the same game that Sam Allardyce has already achieved his brief of turning West Ham into the most boring team on earth.

Kit watch – The inevitable has finally happened, and blue is no longer considered distinguishable enough from red in the eyes of Premier League officials, with Wigan being forced again to don their away kit against Liverpool…their away kit which just happens to be a slightly different shade of blue to their home one. The main thing I’m struggling with here is trying to decide which part of it makes sense the least; The point in making a team who play in blue change their kit when the other team play in red; the point in doing so when their away kit is also blue anyway, or the point in even having an away kit if you’re going to make it the same colour as your home one.

Neil Lennon – Wouldn’t it be easier to start every game with Neil Lennon sat in the stands and then have him sent down to the side of the pitch if he starts behaving himself too much?

Celtic and Rangers seem to have invented a new spin-off from traditional football, known simply as “Panic ball”. Every player has to spend the entirety of each game sprinting aimlessly around, and must rid themselves of possession within 3 seconds or else the ball explodes and kills them. footballing ability being rendered irrelevant is not such an issue in Old Firm games due to it being so rare for anyone on the pitch to possess any in the first place.

and some random awards:
Intelligence award – Djibriel Cisse

The “guess which minute of the Stoke vs City game I missed due to internet connection problems” award – That’s right, the same minute in which Peter Crouch scored one of the best and potentially most important goals of the season

Randomly remembered player award – Michael Brown. Like 90% of premiership midfielders, Brown used to play for Tottenham Hotspur. He made his name by repeatedly not getting sent off for awful fouls and deliberate elbows. Like 100% of midfielders who’s strengths lie in these areas, Brown has eventually ended up at Leeds United.

Exaggerated claim of the weekend – “It’s so hot down there, you’d expect the game to be played at a slow pace” …it was about 12 degrees.

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As per, a round-up of the things that don’t really make sense:

Roy Keane – According to ITV,  back in the 2007 FA cup, Everton beat Roy Keane 7-0. There are many reasons why this doesn’t make much sense. The main one being that it requires Everton to have scored 7 goals in one football game, which simply has and will never happen.

Credit where it’s due to ITV however. I watched four football games under their televisual guidance this week, in which there were a total of 13 goals, and not a single one occurred during the adverts. Though disappointingly Andy Townsend was allowed to commentate on three of them. We’ll come back to him and ITV later.

They stole the game from us! – Following David Richards water feature episode, there have been lots of comments claiming he’s embarrassed the English and only helped to further enhance the unfair stereotype other nations have of us…I’m sorry, but if we’re being honest with ourselves, nothing stereotypes the English more appropriately than getting drunk, making an idiot of yourself and then falling over. I’ve done this probably three times in the past week alone. We’re basically just the Irish in denial.

Five minutes stoppage time! – It seems that point in the season has been reached where the default four minutes of stoppage time added on to the end of tight games, mysteriously becomes five minutes stoppage time added on to the end of tight games, for no other reason than because the end of the season is getting closer. When was the last time the stoppage time added on at the end of a game actually reflected the amount of time the ball was in play? If this did happen no Stoke game would ever finish. They’d still be playing the first half of their opening day fixture against Chelsea…and it’d still be 0-0.

Wolves fans – I don’t understand Wolves fans. They boo their players relentlessly and without remorse every single week for trying to win football games, and then, when one of their players gets themselves selfishly and childishly sent off, costing them the game, they applaud him off the pitch and erupt into rapturous celebrations. I said at the start of the season Mick McCarthy doesn’t understand that the point of football is to win games…but obviously it’s some kind of infectious disease doing the rounds up there. Yet another valid reason to build a contamination wall around the outskirts of Wolverhampton and then pretend it never existed.

Wolves and home games – Here’s another thing. Wolves almost never seem to play away from home. They’re on Sky every single week, capitulating feebly at Molineux, in front of their furious home fans who’ve only turned up so they can make a point of storming off home again.

Kit watch – Norwich again this week, and this time their green and BRIGHT YELLOW kit was apparently too similar to the black and white of Newcastle, forcing them to play in their alternative kit of green….and white. This is why it’s important Fifa did “steal” the game from England. If England were still running it, the infamous yellow kit of Brazil would never have been seen, because they’d be forced to play in their away kit for every single game…that is unless they ended up playing Norwich, in which case both teams would be allowed to wear their home shirts.

Liverpool vs Stoke – Surely the most difficult game to officiate outside of El Cheatico. Whenever the referee gives any decision, about anything, both teams and managers are going to voice their outrage and begin citing him for costing them the game…and unsurprisingly this is what 90% of the game consisted of. The other 10% was me slowly realising that Peter Crouch is better at being Andy Carrol than Andy Carrol is, despite still himself being incredibly rubbish at being Andy Carrol.

TV coverage special:

And your 3d commentators are… – Hang on a minute, why does watching the game in 3D require different commentary to not watching it in 3D? Does the 3D version of the game pan out differently to the mere 2D version? Does the commentary leap out of the television and surround you, making you feel as if you’re sat in the commentary box itself?…or is it just, as I suspect, that the commentators sit in the stadium commentating on the game whilst wearing a pair of poxy looking 3D glasses?

Showing extended clip of manager’s face more important than showing the game - Why does every single television station consider this a good idea? There’s only a certain length of time that clips of Sir Alex Ferguson chewing a piece of gum can remain interesting for, and that length of time is roughly equal to the length of time it takes someone to realise they’re staring at a clip of Sir Alex Ferguson chewing a piece of gum. Yet Sky must have weeks worth of archived footage dedicated to this. Several goals were nearly missed during the United vs Wolves game due to this inexplicable routine. Please stop it.

Didier Drogbarrr and Marouane Filinee – I was unaware players were allowed to just change their names mid-season, and not bother to inform anyone other than ITV’s commentary team. I do however remember Yakubu changing his name to Yakaboo half way through a Middlesbrough vs Everton game which I was listening to on Radio 5. I therefore blame Yakaboo for setting the precedent on this.

Most wrong commentary statement ever? – “That’s what goalkeepers work on all week. It’s not about the first save, it’s all about bouncing back up to react to the second one”

A line trotted out by serial nonsense talker Andy Townsend. This statement is unique in that it’s possibly the most incorrect thing any commentator has ever said. There are so many things wrong with it, we have to break it down into stages just to cover the surface:

“That’s what goalkeepers work on all week” – No it isn’t. They also work on kicking, catching the ball, fitness, shouting at defenders for something that was their own fault, etc.

“It’s not about the first save” – Yes it is. In fact it’s entirely about the first save, otherwise the ball would go into the goal.

“It’s all about bouncing back up to react to the second one” – It’s not all about that at all, and who makes the second save if the goalkeeper only has to react to it…Stephane Henchoz?

Not to mention, that a goalkeeper needing to make a second save usually indicates that they failed to make the first save properly. I doubt goalkeepers spend any time at all working on being rubbish at goalkeeping (well, apart from David James).

And some (not so) random awards:

Hero of the week – All of the medical people on hand at White Hart Lane, obviously, whose actions have hopefully helped to save a young person’s life.

Fabrice Muamba award – Get well soon fellah.

The Peter Cech award for being Peter Cech - Chris Smalling

Randomly remembered player award – Stephane Henchoz. Liverpool goalkeeper between 1999 and 2005. After that he did what every other player who wants to ruin their career does…move to Scotland

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Same format this week…things that either don’t, or shouldn’t make sense. A change of title though. Two reasons. Firstly “Premier League Review” sounded a bit too much like the sort of program that usually comes on Sky Sports 4 at about 2am, and turns out to be a 25 minute interview with Swansea’s third choice left back. Secondly, because sooner or later some smart arse would no doubt chirp in with “that didn’t happen in the Premiership though”, and then I’d have to change the whole bleeding thing  just to come back and pretend they’re wrong. Anyway:

Anglo-American rivalry – They’re trying, but they still don’t quite get it. There was a video on The Guardian website this week of David Beckham calmly removing a beer can from the pitch before taking a corner, appropriately titled “Beckham beer can fury”

The video was from a game between LA Galaxy and Toronto FC. The first thing to note from this video was that the corner flag appeared to have a small yellow cone attached to the bottom of it. Obviously this shouldn’t be. Secondly, the home crowd, eager to voice their disapproval of yank representing David Beckham, did so by chanting “Beckham” at him repeatedly. Now, is it just me, or has something gone horribly amiss here? The spirit of rival player taunting has clearly been lost in translation. Where are the vile insults? The small children in the front row giving the v sign? Where is the uncontrolled irrational pure hatred? Why did everyone start laughing instead of swearing furiously when Beckham set up a goal from the resulting corner? Anglo-Americans; the harder they try, the harder they fail.

UEFA referees – What’s a good sign that the officiating of football has started to get a bit daft? …how about when a player is penalised for kicking the ball, with his foot.

Blindsman – The early game this week featured Bolton and QPR (for some reason), and you have to wonder what the point is sometimes. You run across your marker, you time your run perfectly to meet the cross, you head the ball into the goal, you turn to celebrate…but unfortunately you’re in Bolton and it’s Saturday lunch time, and the only person who would agree to run the line is “blind Bob”…an actual blind man employed by the FA so they can make him help officiate Bolton’s home games by tricking him into thinking he’s somewhere else.

QPR, the team of three teams – At the start of the season, they had a lack of top flight pedigree in their starting line up, so they went out and bought half a new team to fix things…then for the middle part of the season, their revitalised side was let down by a lack of quality in the final third…so they went out and bought a load of strikers in January. Now, their strikers look capable of winning games, but there’s no one to pass the ball to them because the rest of the team has mysteriously turned useless. I feel sorry for both Warnock and Hughes (or would do if it was actually possible for either of them to get any more miserable than they already were). QPR are the football team version of the rubix cube…and not just any rubix cube, one that has seven colours despite only having six sides.

Charlie Adam, the midfielder – This weekend was the final nail in the coffin…He isn’t a midfielder. He doesn’t know how to play there. He doesn’t position himself correctly or look to provide an option for his team mates. He’s basically a “pass!” version of Darron “shoot!” Gibson. At least if you combined the two of them you might get, well…someone who doesn’t know how to play in midfield (or pass, or shoot). Sort of what a hideously failed experiment to try and clone Frank Lampard would be like. A lot of teams seem to be having problems with midfield this season. Manchester City occasionally have to rely on Gareth Barry to play well, Arsenal pinned their hopes on someone who with each passing week, gets two weeks further away from fitness, United have become confused as to who their midfielders actually are, and as a result refused to spend any money making their midfield better, and Liverpool have spent loads of money making theirs worse.

The Old Trafford slope of death – It claimed another victim this weekend. Or at least it would have had it not decided to pick on Phil Jones (Where other players would slide helplessly into the advertising hoarding, Jones leapt over it, throwing himself towards the floor, daring it not to move out of his way). Why does this slope exist? Do they just lay each new pitch on top of the previous one at Old Trafford? By 2020, any player who slides off the edge of the pitch during a United home game will simply disappear into the gap between the touch-line and the stadium roof, never to be seen again.

Kit watch – Last week, officials deemed Norwich’s BRIGHT YELLOW kit too similar to the red and white of Stoke. This week, it was deemed too similar to Wigan’s blue (yes, blue) kit, and Wigan were forced to play in their away kit instead…which as it turned out was also blue, just a slightly darker shade of blue,  with bits of yellow on it. I have to admit I’m struggling a lot with this. Just…why?

Twitter rumours -

“guys, according to @IAMFULLOFSHIT Pogba’s already signed a deal at Juventus for £20k a week…that’s 3k less than United were offering!” RT RT RT

These people are the scurge of the earth, and worse, are the ones who actually believe them, or who don’t believe them, but don’t quite not believe them enough to just dismiss it, so make some daft comment like “I’m not sure how much we should read into this”

If you’re “not sure” how much you should read into something someone just made up on twitter, you’re an idiot. You people are responsible for every stupid rumour, every contract saga, every muppet infested transfer deadline day. I hope you all die.

And some random awards:

Hero of the week – Athletic Bilbao take the award for managing to play a bit like Barcelona, without acting a bit like Barcelona. I realise Athletic Bilbao aren’t a person, but all of their players basically look like the same person, except for Llorente who looks like the same person but slightly taller.

The Harry Redknapp chump of the week award – Everton FC  “ok Harry, we’ll let you have Saha as long as we have a gentlemen’s agreement that you wont play him against us”

Randomly remembered player award – Abel Xavier…that guy who looked like Father Christmas. He was at Everton for years and then suddenly, without ever actually leaving Everton, was half way through his first season at Liverpool. After this he made a habit of suddenly appearing for random teams midway through games or seasons…even though he’d still never actually left Everton, or Liverpool. Most recently when I was watching a Chelsea pre season game, and there he was, playing against them for some team I’d never heard of.