Right, before this week’s blog I’m going to hold a minute’s applause in memory of my hat which I left in the pub the other night, and then subsequently found again…
And so, to the matters at hand:
“actually, I’m not quite dead yet” – We all hope Muamba makes as full and quick a recovery as possible of course, but it is a LITTLE bit weird to see football fans and teams up and down the country grieving and laying out mini shrines, in memory of someone who’s merely quite ill. It doesn’t really make sense. It’s almost become like a competition too, with each team and set of supporters trying to out care each other. Manchester United have received scorn for failing to post a get well message on their twitter page (which doesn’t exist), but will look to make amends on Monday with a pre-game Muamba parade, featuring a series of floats commemorating the life of Fabrice. Unless the Monty Python dead collector is still doing the rounds on Thursdays, this is all looking a bit premature isn’t it? Still, we should have seen this coming when Ashley Cole was allowed to release an autobiography at the mental age of 2.
“it’s important the Bolton players put the Muamba situation behind them today and concentrate on the game” – As the Bolton players walk out to an entire stand spelling “MUAMBA” in giant letters, and all wearing “Muamba” shirts on their backs. Ok then.
Pray for Muamba – Now let me start by saying I have absolutely nothing against people praying for another person’s health. We all show concern and compassion in different ways and that’s never a bad thing. It also doesn’t do any harm to pray unless you’re sat too close behind someone and accidentally judo chop them in the back. However, I have seen people, many people on the unconfined realm of stupidity that is twitter, actually congratulating THEMSELVES for praying Muamba better. To these people; Instead of revelling in your own perceived self glory, how about congratulating the people who actually did save Muamba’s life? If there is a God, I’m sure they would sooner praise a person whose actions helped save another, than someone who sits there and prays/does nothing. Which religion is this that teaches people praying to god to sort everything out is more important than what a person does? …oh that’s right, none of them. And in any case, typing #PrayforMuamba on the internet doesn’t actually constitute praying.
Plastic Vieira – Why are Manchester City trying to prove they’re not plastic by giving a former Arsenal player money to go around pretending to support them? All this really achieves is making the only team in the League who can’t sell out their ground despite actually paying people to turn up and support them. The ridiculous irony of Vieira accusing another football team of being “desperate” in these circumstances. Question; What’s more desperate? 37-year-old Paul Scholes coming back to earn a starting place on merit for one of the best teams in the country, and help them fight for a league title? Or 35-year-old Patrick Vieira coming back to support a team he played for about 3 times, and make increasingly outlandish remarks in the hope someone will notice him?
David “Rambo” Silva – If someone’s arm catches you in the jaw and it hurts really bad and you want to cry, what’s the best way to treat it? …that’s right, by wearing a bandage on a completely different part of your head. That’s minus 1,000 coolness points for Silva. Here’s another thing about Silva. He plays in behind the front men at City, much like Rooney does at United. Silva has 5 goals, Rooney has 27, although Silva does have 11 assists. More to the point, Silva has been poor at the key moments in the season thus far. Rooney has stood up with big performances and failing that, vital end product…who would most people say has had the better season? I’d bet Silva, on account of him possessing that Arsenal-esque ability to look really flash even whilst doing nothing. Although for me there’s a reason hidden in here why United have gained 8 points on City over the past few months.
Stoke – Is it just me, or is one of their stands named after a brand of dog food?
Chelsea – Which version of Chelsea is worse? The one that didn’t care on Wednesday against City, or the one that did care against Spurs on Saturday? The answer inexplicably, is probably both. City handed the game over on a plate during the week and still somehow found themselves winning, and then on Saturday…well, you know it’s bad when the other team plays for a draw, and yet you end up being the team lucky to escape with one…and this is resurgent, revitalised Chelsea, supposedly. Not sulking, capitulating Chelsea. I keep hearing the word transition, but in order to transist, you have to be in the process of changing things, and one of the few things that this shouldn’t be is the manager, every single year. Because as soon as you do that, any transition process that is in effect starts over. At present there is no transition, only wilting.
Liverpool – I’ve figured out what they are. They’re like the last meal request for Premiership teams on relegation death row. They pose and carry all the aura of a big club, but without the ability to play like one, allowing the likes of QPR and Wigan that one last fairy tale hoorah that they could never hope to achieve against any of the actual big boys. That’s what the Suarez episode was about…it was purely to maintain the aura and recognition of Liverpool FC that their results over the last [insert any timeframe up to 20 years] would otherwise not be able to do.
Uruguay volley man – As soon as I found out Coates had scored for Liverpool, I knew it was going to be some form of needlessly flash looking volley. That’s because this is the only type of goal Uruguayan defenders or midfielders know how to score. Due to the lack of needless ball juggling or keepy uppies sessions in the build up, Coates’ spectacular spinning overhead kick type thing would barely even be rated as average in the Uruguayan league. In fact, it probably wouldn’t have even counted as a goal. Peter Crouch’s effort on the other hand might have received a few half hearted applause in amongst the sarcastic yawns.
Emnes of Middlesbrough – No one who’s black and has dreadlocks should ever be allowed to be as rubbish at football as this man. In fact, all dreadlocked people need to be cool and amazing at everything in order to protect the positive stereotype I have of them. This does not mean running up the pitch with all the poise of a one-legged horse in an earthquake. Or hitting a shot with such blistering lack of pace, the goal keeper actually has to run from his goal and towards the ball to save it. It was also notable during the same game that Sam Allardyce has already achieved his brief of turning West Ham into the most boring team on earth.
Kit watch – The inevitable has finally happened, and blue is no longer considered distinguishable enough from red in the eyes of Premier League officials, with Wigan being forced again to don their away kit against Liverpool…their away kit which just happens to be a slightly different shade of blue to their home one. The main thing I’m struggling with here is trying to decide which part of it makes sense the least; The point in making a team who play in blue change their kit when the other team play in red; the point in doing so when their away kit is also blue anyway, or the point in even having an away kit if you’re going to make it the same colour as your home one.
Neil Lennon – Wouldn’t it be easier to start every game with Neil Lennon sat in the stands and then have him sent down to the side of the pitch if he starts behaving himself too much?
Celtic and Rangers seem to have invented a new spin-off from traditional football, known simply as “Panic ball”. Every player has to spend the entirety of each game sprinting aimlessly around, and must rid themselves of possession within 3 seconds or else the ball explodes and kills them. footballing ability being rendered irrelevant is not such an issue in Old Firm games due to it being so rare for anyone on the pitch to possess any in the first place.
and some random awards:
Intelligence award – Djibriel Cisse
The “guess which minute of the Stoke vs City game I missed due to internet connection problems” award – That’s right, the same minute in which Peter Crouch scored one of the best and potentially most important goals of the season
Randomly remembered player award – Michael Brown. Like 90% of premiership midfielders, Brown used to play for Tottenham Hotspur. He made his name by repeatedly not getting sent off for awful fouls and deliberate elbows. Like 100% of midfielders who’s strengths lie in these areas, Brown has eventually ended up at Leeds United.
Exaggerated claim of the weekend – “It’s so hot down there, you’d expect the game to be played at a slow pace” …it was about 12 degrees.