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Right, before this week’s blog I’m going to hold a minute’s applause in memory of my hat which I left in the pub the other night, and then subsequently found again…

And so, to the matters at hand:

“actually, I’m not quite dead yet” – We all hope Muamba makes as full and quick a recovery as possible of course, but it is a LITTLE bit weird to see football fans and teams up and down the country grieving and laying out mini shrines, in memory of someone who’s merely quite ill. It doesn’t really make sense. It’s almost become like a competition too, with each team and set of supporters trying to out care each other. Manchester United have received scorn for failing to post a get well message on their twitter page (which doesn’t exist), but will look to make amends on Monday with a pre-game Muamba parade, featuring a series of floats commemorating the life of Fabrice. Unless the Monty Python dead collector is still doing the rounds on Thursdays, this is all looking a bit premature isn’t it? Still, we should have seen this coming when Ashley Cole was allowed to release an autobiography at the mental age of 2.

“it’s important the Bolton players put the Muamba situation behind them today and concentrate on the game” – As the Bolton players walk out to an entire stand spelling “MUAMBA” in giant letters, and all wearing “Muamba” shirts on their backs. Ok then.

Pray for Muamba – Now let me start by saying I have absolutely nothing against people praying for another person’s health. We all show concern and compassion in different ways and that’s never a bad thing. It also doesn’t do any harm to pray unless you’re sat too close behind someone and accidentally judo chop them in the back. However, I have seen people, many people on the unconfined realm of stupidity that is twitter, actually congratulating THEMSELVES for praying Muamba better. To these people; Instead of revelling in your own perceived self glory, how about congratulating the people who actually did save Muamba’s life? If there is a God, I’m sure they would sooner praise a person whose actions helped save another, than someone who sits there and prays/does nothing. Which religion is this that teaches people praying to god to sort everything out is more important than what a person does? …oh that’s right, none of them. And in any case, typing #PrayforMuamba on the internet doesn’t actually constitute praying.

Plastic Vieira – Why are Manchester City trying to prove they’re not plastic by giving a former Arsenal player money to go around pretending to support them? All this really achieves is making the only team in the League who can’t sell out their ground despite actually paying people to turn up and support them. The ridiculous irony of Vieira accusing another football team of being “desperate” in these circumstances. Question; What’s more desperate? 37-year-old Paul Scholes coming back to earn a starting place on merit for one of the best teams in the country, and help them fight for a league title? Or 35-year-old Patrick Vieira coming back to support a team he played for about 3 times, and make increasingly outlandish remarks in the hope someone will notice him?

David “Rambo” Silva – If someone’s arm catches you in the jaw and it hurts really bad and you want to cry, what’s the best way to treat it? …that’s right, by wearing a bandage on a completely different part of your head. That’s minus 1,000 coolness points for Silva. Here’s another thing about Silva. He plays in behind the front men at City, much like Rooney does at United. Silva has 5 goals, Rooney has 27, although Silva does have 11 assists. More to the point, Silva has been poor at the key moments in the season thus far. Rooney has stood up with big performances and failing that, vital end product…who would most people say has had the better season? I’d bet Silva, on account of him possessing that Arsenal-esque ability to look really flash even whilst doing nothing. Although for me there’s a reason hidden in here why United have gained 8 points on City over the past few months.

Stoke – Is it just me, or is one of their stands named after a brand of dog food?

Chelsea – Which version of Chelsea is worse? The one that didn’t care on Wednesday against City, or the one that did care against Spurs on Saturday? The answer inexplicably, is probably both. City handed the game over on a plate during the week and still somehow found themselves winning, and then on Saturday…well, you know it’s bad when the other team plays for a draw, and yet you end up being the team lucky to escape with one…and this is resurgent, revitalised Chelsea, supposedly. Not sulking, capitulating Chelsea. I keep hearing the word transition, but in order to transist, you have to be in the process of changing things, and one of the few things that this shouldn’t be is the manager, every single year. Because as soon as you do that, any transition process that is in effect starts over. At present there is no transition, only wilting.

Liverpool – I’ve figured out what they are. They’re like the last meal request for Premiership teams on relegation death row. They pose and carry all the aura of a big club, but without the ability to play like one, allowing the likes of QPR and Wigan that one last fairy tale hoorah that they could never hope to achieve against any of the actual big boys. That’s what the Suarez episode was about…it was purely to maintain the aura and recognition of Liverpool FC that their results over the last [insert any timeframe up to 20 years] would otherwise not be able to do.

Uruguay volley man – As soon as I found out Coates had scored for Liverpool, I knew it was going to be some form of needlessly flash looking volley. That’s because this is the only type of goal Uruguayan defenders or midfielders know how to score. Due to the lack of needless ball juggling or keepy uppies sessions in the build up, Coates’ spectacular spinning overhead kick type thing would barely even be rated as average in the Uruguayan league. In fact, it probably wouldn’t have even counted as a goal. Peter Crouch’s effort on the other hand might have received a few half hearted applause in amongst the sarcastic yawns.

Emnes of Middlesbrough – No one who’s black and has dreadlocks should ever be allowed to be as rubbish at football as this man. In fact, all dreadlocked people need to be cool and amazing at everything in order to protect the positive stereotype I have of them. This does not mean running up the pitch with all the poise of a one-legged horse in an earthquake. Or hitting a shot with such blistering lack of pace, the goal keeper actually has to run from his goal and towards the ball to save it. It was also notable during the same game that Sam Allardyce has already achieved his brief of turning West Ham into the most boring team on earth.

Kit watch – The inevitable has finally happened, and blue is no longer considered distinguishable enough from red in the eyes of Premier League officials, with Wigan being forced again to don their away kit against Liverpool…their away kit which just happens to be a slightly different shade of blue to their home one. The main thing I’m struggling with here is trying to decide which part of it makes sense the least; The point in making a team who play in blue change their kit when the other team play in red; the point in doing so when their away kit is also blue anyway, or the point in even having an away kit if you’re going to make it the same colour as your home one.

Neil Lennon – Wouldn’t it be easier to start every game with Neil Lennon sat in the stands and then have him sent down to the side of the pitch if he starts behaving himself too much?

Celtic and Rangers seem to have invented a new spin-off from traditional football, known simply as “Panic ball”. Every player has to spend the entirety of each game sprinting aimlessly around, and must rid themselves of possession within 3 seconds or else the ball explodes and kills them. footballing ability being rendered irrelevant is not such an issue in Old Firm games due to it being so rare for anyone on the pitch to possess any in the first place.

and some random awards:
Intelligence award – Djibriel Cisse

The “guess which minute of the Stoke vs City game I missed due to internet connection problems” award – That’s right, the same minute in which Peter Crouch scored one of the best and potentially most important goals of the season

Randomly remembered player award – Michael Brown. Like 90% of premiership midfielders, Brown used to play for Tottenham Hotspur. He made his name by repeatedly not getting sent off for awful fouls and deliberate elbows. Like 100% of midfielders who’s strengths lie in these areas, Brown has eventually ended up at Leeds United.

Exaggerated claim of the weekend – “It’s so hot down there, you’d expect the game to be played at a slow pace” …it was about 12 degrees.

http://newdless.wordpress.com/

As per, a round-up of the things that don’t really make sense:

Roy Keane – According to ITV,  back in the 2007 FA cup, Everton beat Roy Keane 7-0. There are many reasons why this doesn’t make much sense. The main one being that it requires Everton to have scored 7 goals in one football game, which simply has and will never happen.

Credit where it’s due to ITV however. I watched four football games under their televisual guidance this week, in which there were a total of 13 goals, and not a single one occurred during the adverts. Though disappointingly Andy Townsend was allowed to commentate on three of them. We’ll come back to him and ITV later.

They stole the game from us! – Following David Richards water feature episode, there have been lots of comments claiming he’s embarrassed the English and only helped to further enhance the unfair stereotype other nations have of us…I’m sorry, but if we’re being honest with ourselves, nothing stereotypes the English more appropriately than getting drunk, making an idiot of yourself and then falling over. I’ve done this probably three times in the past week alone. We’re basically just the Irish in denial.

Five minutes stoppage time! – It seems that point in the season has been reached where the default four minutes of stoppage time added on to the end of tight games, mysteriously becomes five minutes stoppage time added on to the end of tight games, for no other reason than because the end of the season is getting closer. When was the last time the stoppage time added on at the end of a game actually reflected the amount of time the ball was in play? If this did happen no Stoke game would ever finish. They’d still be playing the first half of their opening day fixture against Chelsea…and it’d still be 0-0.

Wolves fans – I don’t understand Wolves fans. They boo their players relentlessly and without remorse every single week for trying to win football games, and then, when one of their players gets themselves selfishly and childishly sent off, costing them the game, they applaud him off the pitch and erupt into rapturous celebrations. I said at the start of the season Mick McCarthy doesn’t understand that the point of football is to win games…but obviously it’s some kind of infectious disease doing the rounds up there. Yet another valid reason to build a contamination wall around the outskirts of Wolverhampton and then pretend it never existed.

Wolves and home games – Here’s another thing. Wolves almost never seem to play away from home. They’re on Sky every single week, capitulating feebly at Molineux, in front of their furious home fans who’ve only turned up so they can make a point of storming off home again.

Kit watch – Norwich again this week, and this time their green and BRIGHT YELLOW kit was apparently too similar to the black and white of Newcastle, forcing them to play in their alternative kit of green….and white. This is why it’s important Fifa did “steal” the game from England. If England were still running it, the infamous yellow kit of Brazil would never have been seen, because they’d be forced to play in their away kit for every single game…that is unless they ended up playing Norwich, in which case both teams would be allowed to wear their home shirts.

Liverpool vs Stoke – Surely the most difficult game to officiate outside of El Cheatico. Whenever the referee gives any decision, about anything, both teams and managers are going to voice their outrage and begin citing him for costing them the game…and unsurprisingly this is what 90% of the game consisted of. The other 10% was me slowly realising that Peter Crouch is better at being Andy Carrol than Andy Carrol is, despite still himself being incredibly rubbish at being Andy Carrol.

TV coverage special:

And your 3d commentators are… – Hang on a minute, why does watching the game in 3D require different commentary to not watching it in 3D? Does the 3D version of the game pan out differently to the mere 2D version? Does the commentary leap out of the television and surround you, making you feel as if you’re sat in the commentary box itself?…or is it just, as I suspect, that the commentators sit in the stadium commentating on the game whilst wearing a pair of poxy looking 3D glasses?

Showing extended clip of manager’s face more important than showing the game - Why does every single television station consider this a good idea? There’s only a certain length of time that clips of Sir Alex Ferguson chewing a piece of gum can remain interesting for, and that length of time is roughly equal to the length of time it takes someone to realise they’re staring at a clip of Sir Alex Ferguson chewing a piece of gum. Yet Sky must have weeks worth of archived footage dedicated to this. Several goals were nearly missed during the United vs Wolves game due to this inexplicable routine. Please stop it.

Didier Drogbarrr and Marouane Filinee – I was unaware players were allowed to just change their names mid-season, and not bother to inform anyone other than ITV’s commentary team. I do however remember Yakubu changing his name to Yakaboo half way through a Middlesbrough vs Everton game which I was listening to on Radio 5. I therefore blame Yakaboo for setting the precedent on this.

Most wrong commentary statement ever? – “That’s what goalkeepers work on all week. It’s not about the first save, it’s all about bouncing back up to react to the second one”

A line trotted out by serial nonsense talker Andy Townsend. This statement is unique in that it’s possibly the most incorrect thing any commentator has ever said. There are so many things wrong with it, we have to break it down into stages just to cover the surface:

“That’s what goalkeepers work on all week” – No it isn’t. They also work on kicking, catching the ball, fitness, shouting at defenders for something that was their own fault, etc.

“It’s not about the first save” – Yes it is. In fact it’s entirely about the first save, otherwise the ball would go into the goal.

“It’s all about bouncing back up to react to the second one” – It’s not all about that at all, and who makes the second save if the goalkeeper only has to react to it…Stephane Henchoz?

Not to mention, that a goalkeeper needing to make a second save usually indicates that they failed to make the first save properly. I doubt goalkeepers spend any time at all working on being rubbish at goalkeeping (well, apart from David James).

And some (not so) random awards:

Hero of the week – All of the medical people on hand at White Hart Lane, obviously, whose actions have hopefully helped to save a young person’s life.

Fabrice Muamba award – Get well soon fellah.

The Peter Cech award for being Peter Cech - Chris Smalling

Randomly remembered player award – Stephane Henchoz. Liverpool goalkeeper between 1999 and 2005. After that he did what every other player who wants to ruin their career does…move to Scotland

http://newdless.wordpress.com/

Same format this week…things that either don’t, or shouldn’t make sense. A change of title though. Two reasons. Firstly “Premier League Review” sounded a bit too much like the sort of program that usually comes on Sky Sports 4 at about 2am, and turns out to be a 25 minute interview with Swansea’s third choice left back. Secondly, because sooner or later some smart arse would no doubt chirp in with “that didn’t happen in the Premiership though”, and then I’d have to change the whole bleeding thing  just to come back and pretend they’re wrong. Anyway:

Anglo-American rivalry – They’re trying, but they still don’t quite get it. There was a video on The Guardian website this week of David Beckham calmly removing a beer can from the pitch before taking a corner, appropriately titled “Beckham beer can fury”

The video was from a game between LA Galaxy and Toronto FC. The first thing to note from this video was that the corner flag appeared to have a small yellow cone attached to the bottom of it. Obviously this shouldn’t be. Secondly, the home crowd, eager to voice their disapproval of yank representing David Beckham, did so by chanting “Beckham” at him repeatedly. Now, is it just me, or has something gone horribly amiss here? The spirit of rival player taunting has clearly been lost in translation. Where are the vile insults? The small children in the front row giving the v sign? Where is the uncontrolled irrational pure hatred? Why did everyone start laughing instead of swearing furiously when Beckham set up a goal from the resulting corner? Anglo-Americans; the harder they try, the harder they fail.

UEFA referees – What’s a good sign that the officiating of football has started to get a bit daft? …how about when a player is penalised for kicking the ball, with his foot.

Blindsman – The early game this week featured Bolton and QPR (for some reason), and you have to wonder what the point is sometimes. You run across your marker, you time your run perfectly to meet the cross, you head the ball into the goal, you turn to celebrate…but unfortunately you’re in Bolton and it’s Saturday lunch time, and the only person who would agree to run the line is “blind Bob”…an actual blind man employed by the FA so they can make him help officiate Bolton’s home games by tricking him into thinking he’s somewhere else.

QPR, the team of three teams – At the start of the season, they had a lack of top flight pedigree in their starting line up, so they went out and bought half a new team to fix things…then for the middle part of the season, their revitalised side was let down by a lack of quality in the final third…so they went out and bought a load of strikers in January. Now, their strikers look capable of winning games, but there’s no one to pass the ball to them because the rest of the team has mysteriously turned useless. I feel sorry for both Warnock and Hughes (or would do if it was actually possible for either of them to get any more miserable than they already were). QPR are the football team version of the rubix cube…and not just any rubix cube, one that has seven colours despite only having six sides.

Charlie Adam, the midfielder – This weekend was the final nail in the coffin…He isn’t a midfielder. He doesn’t know how to play there. He doesn’t position himself correctly or look to provide an option for his team mates. He’s basically a “pass!” version of Darron “shoot!” Gibson. At least if you combined the two of them you might get, well…someone who doesn’t know how to play in midfield (or pass, or shoot). Sort of what a hideously failed experiment to try and clone Frank Lampard would be like. A lot of teams seem to be having problems with midfield this season. Manchester City occasionally have to rely on Gareth Barry to play well, Arsenal pinned their hopes on someone who with each passing week, gets two weeks further away from fitness, United have become confused as to who their midfielders actually are, and as a result refused to spend any money making their midfield better, and Liverpool have spent loads of money making theirs worse.

The Old Trafford slope of death – It claimed another victim this weekend. Or at least it would have had it not decided to pick on Phil Jones (Where other players would slide helplessly into the advertising hoarding, Jones leapt over it, throwing himself towards the floor, daring it not to move out of his way). Why does this slope exist? Do they just lay each new pitch on top of the previous one at Old Trafford? By 2020, any player who slides off the edge of the pitch during a United home game will simply disappear into the gap between the touch-line and the stadium roof, never to be seen again.

Kit watch – Last week, officials deemed Norwich’s BRIGHT YELLOW kit too similar to the red and white of Stoke. This week, it was deemed too similar to Wigan’s blue (yes, blue) kit, and Wigan were forced to play in their away kit instead…which as it turned out was also blue, just a slightly darker shade of blue,  with bits of yellow on it. I have to admit I’m struggling a lot with this. Just…why?

Twitter rumours -

“guys, according to @IAMFULLOFSHIT Pogba’s already signed a deal at Juventus for £20k a week…that’s 3k less than United were offering!” RT RT RT

These people are the scurge of the earth, and worse, are the ones who actually believe them, or who don’t believe them, but don’t quite not believe them enough to just dismiss it, so make some daft comment like “I’m not sure how much we should read into this”

If you’re “not sure” how much you should read into something someone just made up on twitter, you’re an idiot. You people are responsible for every stupid rumour, every contract saga, every muppet infested transfer deadline day. I hope you all die.

And some random awards:

Hero of the week – Athletic Bilbao take the award for managing to play a bit like Barcelona, without acting a bit like Barcelona. I realise Athletic Bilbao aren’t a person, but all of their players basically look like the same person, except for Llorente who looks like the same person but slightly taller.

The Harry Redknapp chump of the week award – Everton FC  “ok Harry, we’ll let you have Saha as long as we have a gentlemen’s agreement that you wont play him against us”

Randomly remembered player award – Abel Xavier…that guy who looked like Father Christmas. He was at Everton for years and then suddenly, without ever actually leaving Everton, was half way through his first season at Liverpool. After this he made a habit of suddenly appearing for random teams midway through games or seasons…even though he’d still never actually left Everton, or Liverpool. Most recently when I was watching a Chelsea pre season game, and there he was, playing against them for some team I’d never heard of.

Instead of going into the detailed ins and outs of this weekend’s football, I’ve decided it’ll be easier to roll up a list of things that don’t or didn’t really make sense, or that even if they do make sense, probably shouldn’t. So, as follows:

Everyone blaming John Terry for Villas Boas being sacked – Now, I’m not one to shirk a good bit of Terry bashing (I’d prefer to see his face literally bashed into a brick wall, repeatedly, but you take what you can get). In fact, earlier, I’d also decided to blame John Terry for Villas Boas being sacked, but then later I thought about it a bit more…well, I thought about it at all, briefly, whilst eating a biscuit. What is this blame actually based on? Has John Terry deliberately played badly? Does John Terry threaten his team mates into sulking through the middle part of every season? Did John Terry tell Villas Boas to keep playing or bringing on Florent Malouda in place of players who are much better than him? Does he march routinely into Roman Abramovic’s office and shout “right, you Russian whore, here’s what we’re going to do next!”? John Terry is a big problem for us all. A stain on the human race that refuses to wash out, but for Chelsea and their continuous sacking of managers, he is surely not THE problem. The problem is the guy above his and the manager’s head whose impatience blinds him from reason. The other side of this problem is that removing Abramovic will also remove the need for Chelsea to find a new manager, ever again. There are more than enough valid reasons to hate John Terry without having to invent new ones.

Liverpool fans chanting “Luis Suarez, he does what he wants” – No he doesn’t. Luis Suarez wants to score goals, and he doesn’t actually appear to be very good at it. He’s good at nearly scoring them…Luis Suarez nearly does what he wants? The other thing he wants to do is racially abuse other players, and though he appears to be more succesful at this, he’s not actually allowed to do it, ever. You can’t just chant things that are the opposite of the truth. You don’t hear Fulham fans chanting “we are the champions” You don’t go to a Take That concert and start-up a rendition of “you’re not singing anymore”. Stop being morons.

Arsenal players all shaking hands with each other after the final whistle – In a remarkable act of sportsmanship, Arsenal players took time after their game on Saturday to all huddle into a big group, and shake hands…with each other, whilst completely ignoring the opposition players. Sorry, did I say sportsmanship? I meant “pompous twattery”. Do they always do this? Or is it only when they win (which would explain why I’ve barely noticed it this season until now)? Why do I get the feeling this is all Thierry Henry’s fault?

Newcastle and Sunderland playing each other in their home kits – Please stop this. It makes absolutely no sense. They both have black shorts, they both have predominantly white shirts. It is therefore difficult to those of us whose eyesight cannot distinguish the different shades of green in each blade of grass from half a mile away, to tell each of them apart. Norwich were forced to play in their away kit at Stoke on Saturday, despite their shirts being BRIGHT YELLOW. How is bright yellow a closer colour scheme to red, black and white, than black, black and white is? We’re supposed to trust referees to make instant and near impossible calls correctly and consistently, when they can’t even tell that bright yellow is less similar to white than white is?

Sigurdsson’s Fifa 2012 fish celebration – Look mate, computer simulations are supposed to copy real life, not the other way around. Don’t start confusing the boundaries between real life and fantasy even more than they already have been. It’s bad enough that Ashley Young’s right foot comes with a built-in “Fifa fines shot” button. I don’t want to wake up one morning and find I can’t go out because I’ve been disconnected from EA servers.

Vincent Kompany’s twitter – I don’t want to like Vincent Kompany, so it’s annoying that the most dislikable thing I can pin him down to is thinking the word “save” is spelt with an f. Even that’s just kind of cute. Bugger off, you cuddly headed little scamp!

Wolves, Wigan and Bolton’s “Who can be the most shit” competition – When is someone going to tell them they’re doing it wrong? Now is traditionally the time of the season when relegation threatened teams scrap and fight for every point, every goal…every ball. On the other hand, if you put the positive efforts of these three together, all you’d get is a slightly unnarsed Aston Villa. It’s like they’re challenging each other to find ways to get worse. You don’t get a prize for finishing below everyone else. Unless you count a weekend trip to play Doncaster in September and having Gary Megson appointed manager as prizes.

Manchester United’s ball retention – Here we have a team with two of the best players in the league at keeping the ball in central midfield, surrounded by the kind of technically gifted footballers most teams are lucky if they have even one of, and yet for the last two weeks they’ve displayed a will and ability to retain possession that would be considered shameful for most Sunday League sides. Insisting on somehow winning games by sitting so deep that even when they do pick up the ball, the only viable option is to hack it up the pitch in the manner of a semi-pro outfit trying to cling on for their precious FA Cup replay. This is the equivalent to entering a race against a field of Ford Fiestas with an F1 Ferrari, getting to the front of the grid, and then driving round the whole track in first gear trying to block off anyone from overtaking you. This is almost certainly incredibly spoilt of me, but as a football fan I actually find it makes for depressing viewing, because, although the battling qualities are admirable, it’s a criminal waste of talent. As a United fan naturally I couldn’t care less what I think, as long as United win.

New Tottenham – I said it last week and I’ll say it again now. What is new about them? I’m told they’re stronger than ever, have a backbone they never before possessed, and are only going up. In reality, they’ve bottled every big game this season, were out of Europe before Christmas, seem to be in the midst of an Arsenal esque crumble down, and are in increasingly credible danger of finishing fifth in a three-horse race. New Tottenham are more old Tottenham than old Tottenham were. It’s just that everyone else has gotten worse.

…and to round off, here are some random awards;

Hero of the weekend – Van Persie takes it for his god-like winning goal and smug post game interview. Pointing out (correctly) to Geoff Shreeves that no, his goal wasn’t the same as the one he scored at Everton at all, because this time he deliberately used the inside of his foot to guide it into the opposite corner. Before then smiling knowingly to the camera and presumably shaking his own hand for taking the time out to be interviewed by someone.

Chant of the weekend – Wolves fans, usually revered for the merciless booing aimed at their own players, chirped in with “you only sing when you’re rowing” at Fulham today, all whilst their side cruised to their latest hiding. It admittedly brought me a level of amusement.

Nonsense claim of the weekend – Proclamation from a friend during Match of the Day that Alan Shearer “doesn’t look like Alan Shearer anymore”…He looks exactly like Alan Shearer. He’s had the exact same face since he was about 18 months old.

Teams that are on the way up in the Premier League (or any league for that matter) often make grand proclamations about ‘having arrived’ a long time before they actually do. After their rollercoaster ride in Europe’s top competition last year, Spurs count themselves as one of the biggest clubs these days, but a quick glance at the gossip columns tells a different story.

Luka Modric was plucked from relative obscurity by Spurs several years ago, after an indifferent start, he broke his leg just as he was coming into form. Spurs, obviously, stood by him and when he recovered he produced some top class performances that grabbed attention around the league.

In the wake of the retirement of Paul Scholes, United were obviously interested in bringing in a creative midfielder and Modric fitted the bill. Although their bid was turned down, it was evident that the interest of United had turned the player’s head, and rumours began to come out that he would soon request a transfer.

United and Spurs have history as far as high profile transfers are confirmed. The Manchester club shelled out nearly £20m for Michael Carrick, who at that time was the heartbeat of the Spurs midfield, and then pulled off a last minute coup to secure Berbatov for nearly £30m just a few seasons later.

In both cases the players wanted to leave, Spurs at that time were not the force they are now, and the opportunity to step up to Manchester United was too good to turn down. Regardless of their progress, Spurs are still in the same bracket (as most of the league is) looking up to United, and hoping that the bigger clubs don’t come in for any of their players.

If Modric thought that Spurs had a genuine shot at the title or the Champions League next year, would he want to leave? Probably not, unfortunately, he clearly doesn’t, and if one of their best player’s doesn’t rate Spurs’ chances, what will the others be thinking?

That said, it’s not all a one way road into Old Trafford. Cristiano Ronaldo clamoured to get out of Manchester, having been attracted by the bright lights of Madrid, does this mean that Madrid are the bigger club? Hard to say, they are probably are in the minds of most neutrals, and they were certainly willing to pay an enormous sum to both the player and the club to make the deal happen.

And that, ultimately is the point. Fans expect players to love their clubs as much as they do, but as Torres pointed out when he ditched Liverpool for Chelsea, players have other considerations. Players, at the end of the day, think of football as neutrals, they tend to gravitate towards the bigger clubs, although as Manchester City demonstrated before they got Champions League football, players also gravitate towards bigger pay packets.

So does loyalty exist in football? Yes, if you’re one of the big clubs, Giggs, Scholes and Neville are (were) all fantastic servants to United, but if they started their careers at other clubs, does anyone think they’d have stayed there? No, they’d have been snapped up by bigger clubs. Loyalty does exist in football, but only for the big clubs, if not, it’s money, not loyalty, that drives the game.

If you want to follow the progress of Manchester United this season in the post-Scholes era, you’ll need to get a subscription to MUTV, just ask Sky for an add-on to your existing package or visit the club’s website for more details.

The points table does lie
This season we were excellent at home. 55 out of a possible 57 points is just phenomenal. If we continue this kind of form next season, No 20 should be in the bag!
Most of you will agree though that we have been rather lucky to win the league considering how poor we were away from home. Dropping 32 points away from home doesn’t look like the form of champions. I am sure, more often than not, we would not have won the league with 80 points either.
Yes, we were better than everyone else but I am not sure we were that much better. We were not as dominant as someone who wins with a 9 point gap should be. Obviously, our away form is something we need to work on. I am sure Alex Ferguson will make sure of that for next season.

A few good men
This season I noticed United do something that is not part of their tradition. Far too often, we were happy to just sit back on a lead; especially away from home. Next season this needs to change. We need to be far more ruthless and finish the game off when we are on top like we did for the Chelsea game at home. Got the lead early and yet continued to attack. Got another goal and the game was almost over as a contest.

Thou shall not get past
United were magnificent in Europe this season. We did get outplayed in the finals and watching United lose in the finals for the 2nd time in 3 years was heart-breaking. That cannot take away from the way we played to get there though.
United based their European adventure on a solid defence; conceding just a handful of goals to get to the finals. United had finally learnt how to play in Europe. Keep possession well, be patient & control the midfield. They had finally learnt to change their style of play from the premiership to the Champions league whenever required.

Paul Scholes & Ryan Giggs – amongst the last of a dying breed.
Paul Scholes has finally announced his retirement. He will be greatly missed. He always stayed away from the spotlight; something that reflects in the way he announced his retirement after the season got over. The world goes gaga over the Barcelona midfield and how they are the best in the world. Paul Scholes in his prime, would have walked into that midfield and in fact taken it up another notch. He did the unbelievable as well as he did the simple stuff very well. I am yet to see someone make cross field balls to wingers as well as he does. He did the simple things right too. He was almost always available to receive a pass. He would always pass the ball and move. Never get caught on his heels. His basics and his techniques were so strong. I am glad he has decided to join the coaching staff. He will be such a wonderful asset.
Ryan Giggs continues to defy the odds. Having played all his life on the left wing, it is just astonishing how he has moved into the central midfield role so well. His performances against Chelsea’s 3 man midfield this season were to behold. He was easily amongst one of our better players this season and to do all that at the age of 38 is just remarkable. I think Alex Ferguson wants Anderson to play the role the Giggs plays now. Someone who can not only find a long pass but also run with the ball through the centre. Anderson has the ability to do so. He just needs to deliver.

A free bird
I think SAF got it wrong when he tried to get Rooney to lead the line. He has got too many wonderful attributes to his game that were not being utilised by playing the lead striker role.
In the recent months he has moved back to a more withdrawn role and the difference is phenomenal. It has also helped make the Giggs-Carrick partnership work much better and we have also not missed Scholes as much. Some of Rooney’s cross field balls to Valencia are almost as good as the ones Scholes’ makes. His crossing when he drifts out wide is superb too. He also works hard to defend and that gives us added protection in the midfield so we can play a 4-4-2 and yet have a 5 man midfield when defending. This formation obviously didn’t work against Barcelona but it did work well against most other teams.

Captain Fantastic
There were a few eyebrows raised when Vidic was handed over the captaincy rather than Rio. The explanation by SAF was that Vidic plays far more regularly as compared to Rio. Looking back I think it would have been the perfect choice even if Rio was fit. There is no doubt about Rio’s quality. He is a leader as well. The fact that he makes defending look so easy goes against him I guess.
Vidic comes off more as a fighter. Someone who is willing to put his body on the line for the team. This automatically lifts the rest of the team. Rio would also put his body on the line but hardly needs to as he reads the game so well. Also, Vidic tends to scores some crucial goals for United.

Form is temporary, Class is permanent….. I hope
By his own standards, Evra has been poor this season. He has got caught out far too often and cost us goals. I might wrong but I get the feeling we have conceded far more goals when being attacked from our left this season rather than the right inspite of having the likes to Shea, Rafael, Fabio & Neville playing there.
There is no doubt in Evra’s ability. The only way I can explain this is
Fatigue
Evra has been playing almost non stop for 2 years now. He had a very short world cup but still didn’t get enough rest in the summer. He played most of our games last season as well as this season. Maybe after a proper rest this summer, he will be back to his best for the next season.
Motivation
In a recent interview, Evra has claimed he wanted to leave this summer. That makes me wonder if he was not as motivated to play as he should be and that affected his form. If that was the case, I think he should be sold this summer as I am not sure I would like to have someone play for us that is not motivated to do so.

The curious case of Nani
Nani has been a revelation this season. One of the best wingers in the league this season. He has the tricks, good with both feet, he has started to work hard in defence and most importantly has started to get goals and assists.
Along with Berbatov, he carried the team when everyone else was out of form. His numerous assists and goals have played a big role in us winning number 19. Yet, he continues to frustrate. For someone who has had so many assists this season, I still feel his decision making has been poor. He gets into wonderful positions to cross but decides not to. Then the next moment, he is in no position to cross, he tries to cross. It is just so frustrating.
The next season the one thing he really needs to add to his arsenal, is to sometimes take the easier option.

The future is bright
United has always had a good bunch youngsters with potential but somehow in the recent past, very few had made the grade. Right now it is a bit different. Rafael, Fabio, Hernandez, Smalling & Evans have all been excellent this season. These guys along with Nani, Rooney and Anderson will form the core of the team in the future. The guys on loan like Welback and Cleverley have also done very well for Sunderland and Wigan respectively. I am very excited at the future prospects of these guys and hope they continue to develop the next season as they have done now.

19 is better than 18…. but not as good as 20!
For so long title number 19 is what everyone was looking forward to. The joy on the faces of the likes of Sir Alex Ferguson, Sir Bobby Charlton & more importantly the Stretford End fans was there for everyone to see.
Most men might have been satisfied after achieving what almost looked impossible when Alex Ferguson made that famous statement. But Ferguson is made of different stuff and he will want number 20. There is no doubt, He has already started plotting his schemes for next season I am sure.

Our Away form
The entire season, we have struggled quite a bit away from home. 25 points out of a possible 54 away from home is not the sort of record United have had in the last 15 odd years.
Saturday’s trip to Ewood Park was even stranger. In a very long time, United went to Blackburn Rovers hoping for just a draw. The pressure to get that draw showed. United started well and Nani almost scored. But after conceding we looked out of sorts. Kuszczak’s nervousness didn’t help either but more on him later. Rio & Vidic had a shaky game by their standards. Getting caught under the ball, Clashing with each other, Poor first touch, etc. The kind of stuff that we didn’t see all season when the two played together and the only reason I can see is the pressure of getting that 1 point.

It’s called ‘Foot’ ball for a reason
Yes, goalkeepers are not expected to be as good with their feet as the rest of the players but Kuszczak seems to take it to another level. His first touch is poor. He can barely control his kick with either foot. At one point the other day, he waited for so long for the ball to stop and be in the perfect position to be kicked that he almost got caught out.
During that bizarre 10 mins at the end, not once was the ball passed to Kuszczak. I don’t know if it was because the Blackburn players never put any pressure so there was no need or whether Scholes, Rio & Vidic didn’t trust Kuszczak with the ball at his feet!

Ruud + Owen + Ole + Tevez = Javier Hernandez!
I know it’s his first season, but boy, has it been a good one. There were glimpses of his class during the world cup. I was super excited about his signing but honestly never thought he would have such a big impact on our season.
He has got some of the best attributes of the 4 that I have mentioned.
a) Being at the right place at the right time. (Like Ruud)
b) Playing on the shoulder of the last defender & pace. (Like Owen in his prime)
c) Finishing and attitude. (Like Ole)
d) Chasing lost causes, hounding defenders to make errors & working well with his strike partner. (like Tevez)
Chicarito scores goals from inside the 6 yard box (community shield goal), He plays on the shoulder of the last defender (Blackburn to win penalty), He is a good finisher (Chelsea at home), he chases lost causes and his understanding with Rooney and with Berbatov is there for all to see.
If he can improve his upper body strength and is able to hold the ball up till the midfield join in, he will be one of the best striker we have had.

The last mile
Well, the last 10 minutes actually. Very boring to watch but exactly what the doctor ordered. It’s stuff like this (not boring football but knowing what needs to be done and doing it) that has made United so successful. If it was Arsenal, they would have probably gone on to try and score and may have conceded on the break.
Most people back (not hope) United to win during ‘squeaky bum time’ because United know how to win. Actually Sir Alex knows how to win. United lost a big points lead a few years back to lose the title to Arsenal. SAF learnt from it and never again has it happened. It looked like it would happen 2 seasons ago when Liverpool was chasing us but United pulled through. It looked like it might happen this year with Chelsea getting so close, once again United pulled through. It’s not only the players or manager footballing ability or skill that help United win titles, it’s the experience of knowing how to win them that plays a big role too.

Top of the perch is just the beginning.
Winning the record breaking number 19 was a dream come true. What it meant to the Old Trafford faithful was for all to see. The look on Sir Bobby Charton’s face at the end of the match would be the perfect wallpaper to commemorate the occasion.
For Sir Alex, it doesn’t end here. He is a winner and there is no doubt he will be already planning title number 20. He has taken United to the top of the perch and he wants to stay there, that is for sure.

This is my first attempt at a blog so feedback would be much appreciated.

Attack, attack & attack… cause that is the United way.
The major difference between United against Chelsea and United against Arsenal was the mentality. Against le Arse, it was almost as if we had gone there in the hope of a draw. Sat back far too deep. Conceded way too possession and ultimately paid the price for it. I know it was an away game but there was a sort of negative approach to our play.
Yesterday, we were on the attack from the first minute; the goal after just 36 secs helped quite a bit too. The good part was, we didn’t sit back after that, something we have done in the past and paid the price. We continued to create changes and if not for lack of composure by Rooney and, to an extent, Hernandez and Howard Webb trying to please every Chelsea supporter, we would have won by a much bigger margin.

Our one trick pony isn’t so bad!
It is a known fact that Valencia’s greatest strength is pushing the ball past defenders and putting in crosses. Many said his game was predictable.
Yesterday, he showed us how to make this predictability work to his advantage. Cole, who in the past has put in amazing performances against the multi-trick ponies (Ronaldo & Nani), didn’t know how to handle Valencia. Cole, understandable, would stay just a yard ahead waiting for the push of the ball but Valencia kept cutting in and leaving Cole for dead, until Cole realised it and ‘forced’ Valencia to do what he loves, push the ball down the line and put in crosses, here again, Cole was being left for dead.

Versatility thou name is O Shea.
The guy has played in every position that one can on a football pitch and, more importantly, has put in a decent shift wherever he has played.
Everytime, Drogba has played against United, he has targeted Evra and more often than not, Drogba has won the battle comfortably. Even the CL, almost all of Chelsea’s chances came from United’s left when either Evra was caught out of muscled out by Drogba.
SAF brought in O Shea, who could match Drogba physically and the result was there for everyone to see. Drogba created almost nothing and was forced to go deeper into midfield to try to influence the game.

Sir Alex Fergusson – in a class of his own!
SAF reaction to the Stretford End, signifies what this title means to United. All those years ago, when SAF made ‘that’ statement, even the most optimistic of fans would not have imagined they would see this day so soon when Liverpool would truly be kicked of the top of the f*cking perch.
What sets SAF apart for me is not what he has done as a manager (even though it is almost unmatched) but the fact that he acknowledges the role the hardcore Stretford End fans have played for the club to get to where they are. I don’t know of many managers who would have even thought of the fans except for the customary line of thanks at the post match interview.

Chelsea – Out- played, out-fought & out-classed
This is something one has not associated with Chelsea in recent years. They may have not been the most creative of teams but their fighting spirit and individual class helped them prevail.
Yesterday was totally different though. United were winning almost every 50-50 challenge. The amount of space and time Rooney & Carrick had to spray the ball around was just ridiculous. Drogba was unable to out-muscle anyone. The trio of Essien, Mikel and Lampard were out-played by a 38 year old Giggs and Carrick. Cole, was being rap*d everytime he was 1 on 1 with Valencia. Park was winning almost every tackle he went into. United were creating chances almost at will.

I’m not one for being premature (stop sniggering) but I’ll confidently assert that Manchester United and Barcelona will lock horns in this season’s Champions League final at Wembley. United stayed patient to overcome the inspired resistance of Manuel Neuer in Germany on Tuesday while Lionel Messi brilliantly gilded a hitherto disgraceful ‘football match’ in Madrid on Wednesday.

With the return leg of each tie rendered a mere formality, thoughts will now undoubtedly shift towards the re-run of the 2009 final, when the artistry of Andrés Iniesta and Xavi tortured Sir Alex Ferguson’s side into a meek surrender. On that occasion, the intensity of Barcelona’s fabled pressing game suffocated the metronomic stylings of Michael Carrick and United, shorn of any fluency, melted in the Roman heat.

It wasn’t supposed to be like that. United were the reigning European champions and went into the match with some of world football’s most stellar names printed on their team sheet, while Barcelona’s backline assumed a haphazard look with Eric Abidal and Daniel Alves missing through suspension. In practice though United’s side lacked balance and cohesion, thanks to a team selection overly geared towards positioning Cristiano Ronaldo as the centre piece.

Ronaldo soon departed for sunnier climes, while Carlos Tevez defected to Manchester City, and the widely held view was that United had been shorn of vital attacking inspiration. Almost two years later, apparently devoid of their characteristic fantasy, United’s current side seem primed to exorcise their demons and exact some sweet revenge on Pep Guardiola’s pass-masters.

Ferguson has constructed a European system that is ruthlessly effective and an epitomisation of the maxim “the sum is greater than the parts.” The defensive triumvirate of Edwin van der Sar, Rio Ferdinand and Nemanja Vidić gives United a real obduracy. Carrick, who has quietly returned to his best form, conscientiously screens the defence and affords the side additional insurance in light of the frequent forays made by the firebrand full backs Patrice Evra and Rafael da Silva. Impressively, United have conceded just three goals in this season’s competition, but their defensive solidity will be given its sternest examination by Barcelona’s mesmeric attackers.

However, it is the growing influence of two attacking players that have had a transformative effect on United’s fortunes. Javier Hernández and Antonio Valencia have been increasingly vital contributors, to the detriment of both Dimitar Berbatov and Nani. It is well documented that Hernández, with his explosive pace and generally unerring finishing, forces opponents to retreat towards their own penalty box. His mere presence creates space and time for the likes of Carrick, Ryan Giggs and Wayne Rooney to creatively operate in. By the same token, Valencia’s penchant for getting chalk on his boots helps stretch the game and provide a vital outball in a manner not to dissimilar to Daniel Alves for Barcelona. Nani has enjoyed a fantastically productive season, but he doesn’t possess the positional discipline of Ecuadorian, such is his tendency to make outside to inside runs.

Perhaps most pertinent to United’s prospects is the form of Wayne Rooney who, after enduring an annus horribilis in 2010, has stunningly rediscovered his form playing as the side’s “number 10″. Rooney has enjoyed a glittering career at United since moving from Merseyside in 2004, but there is a sense that he has been a member of the supporting cast for the club’s truly hallmark moments rather than the leading man. He finally became the club’s pivotal player last term, as he plundered 34 goals, yet his and United’s season ended ignominiously. Rooney will also be mindful of the fact that he has been a peripheral figure in his previous two appearances in Champions League finals.

Barcelona are fully capable of monopolising the ball and respectfully embarrassing their opponents. The Catalans will rightly go into the final as favourites to lift “Big Ears”, but United will approach their task buoyed by the improved balance of their side compared with the 2009 version. This seems somewhat paradoxical given that four of the front six – Ji-Sung Park, Giggs, Carrick and Rooney – that started the mauling in Rome are likely to line up at Wembley, but the introduction of Hernández and Valencia makes a massive difference.

This quiet, unassuming and relatively unfancied pair are the embodiment of United’s current side. Hernández has taken to English football as though he was a seasoned professional and belied the notion that young, foreign players need to be afforded the luxury of a bedding in period. Meanwhile, Valencia has impressed everyone by stoically returning following his horrific leg break. No frills.

Barcelona will be encountering a Manchester United side with infinitely less star quality than in 2009 and yet a feeling pervades that United can avenge the humiliation that was inflicted upon them in The Eternal City. It promises to be an absolute cracker…