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Another week passes, and another bit less likely it becomes that UEFA will re-instate United into the second round of the Champions League, but still…

Chelsea vs Barca – What part of the TV coverage for this is likely to get extremely annoying first, the constant, ridiculous bias towards Chelsea over every single refereeing decision, and hyping up about them having Barcelona “on the ropes” every time they make it out of their own half? Or the constant need to remind everyone that Barcelona are the best team in the history of the world every time they string a few passes together? At least we wont have the repeated “victory for football” proclamations that accompanied the build up to last year’s embarrassingly one-sided Barcelona vs Arsenal tie. In fact, if Chelsea win, it’ll sort of be like someone ambushing football in a dark alley and brutally beating it to within an inch of its life.

John Terry, idiot man – John Terry has cracked his ribs. John Terry is well tough though. John Terry will play on through the pain. John Terry must also tell everyone how he’s playing on through the pain so they can all congratulate him on what a courageously tough leader he is…Guess what though John? People play through injuries all the time. Most of them don’t feel the need to announce to the world that they are doing so. Aside from not everyone being egotistical narcissists, there is a very good reason for this. Here’s a hint as to what that reason is; If I was playing against Chelsea next week, guess who’s ribs I’d accidentally elbow from every single set piece?

Blackburn Rovers fans – Do any of them actually support Blackburn, or generally know what it is they’re supposed to be doing? Judging by their usual attendance levels, about 90% of them only turned up to watch Manchester United on Monday night, and yet about 90% of them started to leave as soon as Manchester United started winning. What exactly did they turn up expecting to see then? Meanwhile, the other 10% are the ones that usually just turn up to protest against Blackburn Rovers.

Ronaldoism, with Gareth Bale – People have developed a habit of comparing Gareth Bale, often sarcastically (or unsarcastically, if they’re idiots), with Lionel Messi. I find this odd, since with each passing week, Gareth Bale looks more and more like someone desperately pretending to be Christiano Ronaldo. The diving, the attention seeking, the free kick posturing, the endless posing. It’s all there…well, it would be, except he’s missing the “score 50 goals a year and drag your team to the Champions League final” part, which is quite important. See here’s the thing. As a United fan, I could barely stand Ronaldo’s antics and posing when he played for United, I merely put up with it because he scored about half of our goals. Gareth Bale scores about ten goals a year. What does he think he’s doing? Why not just stick to being good at football instead of trying to incorporate being good at being a complete tit into the mix?

“That’s the kind of thing you would usually see in the WWE” – What, shirt pulling? Wrestlers don’t even wear shirts.

The Sky Generation – According to SkySports, United fans had to “bring themselves” to support London club Arsenal against tital rivals and hated local adversaries Manchester City. I can’t speak for all United fans, but personally, after much soul-searching, pondering and self conflict, I just about managed to bring myself to route for the draw.

Lee Mason – I know officials have a difficult job with the amazing speed of the game today and what not (this week alone Premiership football broke the sound barrier on 59 separate occasions), but was it possible to get that decision any more wrong? Not only was Ashley Young not onside, not fouled, and not about to score a goal, but Lee Mason reacted to it so quickly he actually sent off Derry about five seconds before the incident even occurred. The linesman will get stick for not flagging for offside…but how could he have when the red card was out before it was even clear if Young was interfering with play? Technically Lee Mason would have got this less wrong if he’d awarded a penalty to QPR.

Balotelli o clock – Congratulations to Mario Balotelli who, this weekend, broke the record for “most amount of times a player has made a complete twat of themselves in the space of one game” (The previous record of 9 was set last week, by Mario Balotelli). Amazingly, Balotelli even managed to make a twat of himself twice AFTER being sent off. First trying to square up to the referee, and then by taking longer to sulk off the pitch than Tim Krul takes to take a goal kick.

The great title race of 2012 – Every year, the title race is billed as being the “most exciting in years” as various teams are bigged up as “genuine contenders”, installed as favourites after racing into a 1 point lead, or hailed as the greatest side since that Brazil one from that World Cup no one can remember. Then, after Christmas, Spurs and Arsenal capitulate into a useless fumbling mess, any club who aren’t United or Chelsea crumble feebly under weight of their own self-induced expectation, and by the time the finish line is in sight, the title race has turned into the exact same two-way slug fest it has been since 2006…except this time Chelsea are so rubbish it’s actually the least exciting title race in years.

Kit watch – What’s with certain teams suddenly thinking it’s acceptable to play in orange? First Swansea, and now Newcastle are chancing their arm. This is how it works; unless you’re Holland, you’re not allowed to play in Orange. Playing in Orange when you’re not Holland, doesn’t make you look like Holland, it just makes you look like a cheap version of Blackpool. Unless you’re Blackpool, in which case it just makes you look like Blackpool.

Sir Alex vs Mancini – To be serious here for a second, I often think a lot of people (including United fans)  misunderstand exactly what it is that sets Sir Alex apart from everyone else. They’ll usually point to his tactical awareness, ability to manage his squad, spot a good signing, or point angrily at his watch. Whilst he’s hardly inept at any of these, they aren’t what make the difference between good and great.

Here’s why I really admire Sir Alex and think he’s unique; He will never, ever, say or do anything to make him or his team appear vulnerable or weak. It’s all about being the best, and with everything he does or says, every move he makes, constantly demonstrating he’s the best, that his team is the best. An endless display of superiority to the pretenders who might otherwise fancy themselves to take his throne. It’s why United fans are never going to hear him complain about the Glazers or the alleged lack of funds available to him…because doing so portrays weakness. If he knows he has a weakness, he’ll address it, but he’ll never admit to anyone that it’s there. Even when he’s complaining, it’s always with the air of demanding more from his team or those around him.

Compare that to Mancini. Increasingly of late, he comes out, says something that makes him sound weak, makes you question whether he really believes in his team or himself, and then he slumps off again. He’s not alone either. Benitez was the same, only insaner. Wenger’s been routinely reduced to a quivering wreck. Even Mourinho started bleating on about the inadequacy of his egg basket.  Ferguson could write a book on how to be a winner, and it’d be the best book on how to be a winner ever, because he wouldn’t allow himself to let it be any less.

This is what carries over to every Manchester United team he assembles, and constantly gives them the edge where any other team’s belief and composure would falter. I feel a bit for Mancini. I think he’s a nice guy who probably knows how to win, but he’s never faced anything like this before, and it’s making a fool of him. He’s starting to look like a man whose doctor has just told him he has a week to live…whilst driving off in a car with his wife…and pet dog.

Awards!

The “was he booked for diving, or was he booked because the ref thinks he’s a racist?” award – Luis Suarez

Live on air fight with a microphone award – Alan Parry

Randomly remembered player award – Andy Goram. Not the Andy Goram who used to play in goal for Manchester United. The other Andy Goram…who used to play in goal for Manchester United. Or rather, who played in goal once for Manchester United, against Coventry in 2001. This was the same game in which Ryan Giggs scored a 30 yard curling header, which everyone reacted to as if it was a perfectly normal thing to happen. Andy Goram also played some games for Scotland and a number of other teams, probably…I don’t care.

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The end of the season is getting closer. Games get more exciting, people get more angry, and football gets more and more silly:

Patrick Vieira – Desperate to make amends for his desperate attempt to criticise United by accusing them of being desperate, Vieira this week decided to give an interview to the BBC…in which he criticised United some more, and proclaimed that Manchester City “deserved” to be champions. Nothing annoys me more in football than people who decide they “deserve” things purely on the basis that they’ve decided they deserve them, but then Vieira is a former Arsenal player. Perhaps there was no room to put the brain back in when god decided to shrivel up Patrick’s head. Yes, he was lead on to criticising United by the BBC in this occasion, but no one forced him to say anything at all. If it’s supposed to be mind games, it doesn’t really work when you fail to engage your mind first.

Close but no cigar (in the eye) – Meanwhile at Eastlands, yet another stirring almost fight back from City. The blues have in fact become the indisputable almost comeback kings. Almost managing to strike fear into the hearts of opposition with their only just say die attitude. Ok, so this time they salvaged a draw, but at this point in the season and at home, a draw is worth about as much as the moral sense of accomplishment they achieved when throwing themselves out of the FA and Uefa cup. Almost comebacks though are at least a refreshing method of potential season capitulation, compared to Arsenal’s annual arrogance implosion, or Chelsea’s “spend middle part of season dying of old age” routine. Nearly look out everyone!

The unsightly return of Carlos Tevez – If Carlos Tevez ate the football and ran into the opposition net, would it count as a goal? This needs clearing up before it becomes a real issue. Would the whole of the Tevez have to cross the line, for example, because I’m not sure that’s possible without making the net significantly bigger, and other than this, I’m struggling to see why City have brought him back. Maybe it’s so he can fill the empty seats at Eastlands…all of them, at the same time…but then if they’d just flown over a few more complementary burgers, he could probably have done that without even having to leave Argentina. Other than that though I can only figure City have forgotten the rule with Tevez where he has to be completely useless for two months before remembering how to play football.

The Blackburn effect – United fans celebrating City’s latest almost comeback would do well to remember they’re away at Blackburn this coming Monday. Blackburn vs United pans out exactly the same almost every single year; United concede a cheap early goal, then Brad Friedel spends the rest of the game making about 50,000 impossible saves before United eventually salvage a draw in the last ten minutes. Even the fact Brad Friedel no longer plays for Blackburn failed to prevent this from happening last year, and in all likelihood will fail to do so again tomorrow night, with Garry Neville already having awarded him Man of the Match. More to the point, United looked so nervous against an unlucky Fulham side last week, that even in victory they almost managed to cast more doubt than assurance.

“You don’t get those at Old Trafford” – Unless you’re Arsenal, or Newcastle, or FC Basle, or Blackburn. This sentence, or some variation of it, has been said more times in the past week than Ronaldo has looked at himself in the mirror. A bizarre myth that started out as a convenient scapegoat for the weak, and which has since evolved into the world’s most lazy punditry cliché, with the possible exception of “they were first to every single loose ball”. Anyone caught muttering either of these sentiments should be immediately punished with a lifelong contract at Channel 5.

“Fighting” between team mates – Here’s what constitutes all out infighting and “dressing room meltdown” in the eyes of today’s football world:

“Can I take this free kick?”

“no”

“but I want to take it”

“no, go away”

Complete carnage I’m sure you’ll agree. Goalkeepers getting angry at their defenders about things also seems to have upgraded itself from normal to outrageous and “detrimental for team spirit”

Gone are the good old days when you coud put a cigarette out in a teammate’s eye, or have a good old-fashioned punch up in the centre of the pitch, and brush it off purely as a bit of banter. Joe Barton will be rolling in his twitter feed.

Violent conduct – Similarly, I’m becoming increasingly confused as to what this means. The word “violent” to me conjures up images of bloodshed, war, or Quentin Tarantino films. In the football world however, it means stuff like “raising you hand”, nearly threatening to headbutt someone, gathering around in a group and puffing your chests out at each other, or pointing aggressively. How long until referees start sending off Mario Balotelli just because he has an angry-looking face? Most of his alleged misdemeanors already seem to be based on the idea that he doesn’t smile enough.

Liverpool (again) – Remember the dark days when Rafa Benitez’s bizarre management tactics would hold Liverpool back and result in them finishing a distant fourth? Those have now evolved into the good old days. The second half of Liverpool’s season has instead become a challenge where in each week they’ll attempt to be slightly more embarrassing than the last. This was always going to be a big ask when the starting point was defending a racist, and then last week escalated to “losing to Wigan”, but remarkably Liverpool keep finding ways to better themselves. For one glorious moment it appeared as if Kenny Dalglish was going to attempt to put himself in goal against Newcastle, but presumably he’s keeping that in reserve. There are still seven more weeks to go after all.

Suarez’s furious arms – Whenever anyone on the other team does anything, Luis Suarez will claim it was handball and signify as such by jiggling one of his arms maniacally around in the air, and pointing frantically at it with the other one. This happens at least five times a game. He ought to be careful referees don’t start sending him off for violent conduct.

Arsene Wenger – It’s taken longer than usual this season, but the inevitable has finally happened, and Wenger has accused Arsenal’s opponents of beating them by not playing football enough. Apparently majoring in “smug sense of righteousness” when graduating from the Man City academy of morality. Perhaps the reason he’s left his ace excuse card up his sleeve for so long this season is because it’s taken until the last few weeks for Arsenal to actually start playing any football themselves.

Kit watch – There were erm, no strange kit clashes or enforced kit changes this weekend. Although anyone who can figure out what colour Swansea’s away kit actually is will receive a special prize. They’ve somehow discovered a new colour somewhere between orange, brown and red. A colour which judging by its extreme ugliness, wasn’t meant to be discovered.

and some awards:

The Juan Mata award for hitting the post in every single game for an entire season award – Juan Mata

The “I don’t understand the offside rule” award of shame – Alan Smith, Danny Murphy, Chris Coleman.

Randomly remembered player award – Stéphane Dalmat; Dalmat was one of the several thousand players who appeared for Tottenham Hotspur during the 2003/2004 season. His speciality was scoring by cutting inside the fullback and firing the ball into the bottom corner, then doing nothing for about a month, and then scoring the exact same goal again. Since being forced to leave Spurs due to the stadium capacity being insufficient to seat their full playing squad, Dalmat has played for a series or progressively worse French teams.

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Right, before this week’s blog I’m going to hold a minute’s applause in memory of my hat which I left in the pub the other night, and then subsequently found again…

And so, to the matters at hand:

“actually, I’m not quite dead yet” – We all hope Muamba makes as full and quick a recovery as possible of course, but it is a LITTLE bit weird to see football fans and teams up and down the country grieving and laying out mini shrines, in memory of someone who’s merely quite ill. It doesn’t really make sense. It’s almost become like a competition too, with each team and set of supporters trying to out care each other. Manchester United have received scorn for failing to post a get well message on their twitter page (which doesn’t exist), but will look to make amends on Monday with a pre-game Muamba parade, featuring a series of floats commemorating the life of Fabrice. Unless the Monty Python dead collector is still doing the rounds on Thursdays, this is all looking a bit premature isn’t it? Still, we should have seen this coming when Ashley Cole was allowed to release an autobiography at the mental age of 2.

“it’s important the Bolton players put the Muamba situation behind them today and concentrate on the game” – As the Bolton players walk out to an entire stand spelling “MUAMBA” in giant letters, and all wearing “Muamba” shirts on their backs. Ok then.

Pray for Muamba – Now let me start by saying I have absolutely nothing against people praying for another person’s health. We all show concern and compassion in different ways and that’s never a bad thing. It also doesn’t do any harm to pray unless you’re sat too close behind someone and accidentally judo chop them in the back. However, I have seen people, many people on the unconfined realm of stupidity that is twitter, actually congratulating THEMSELVES for praying Muamba better. To these people; Instead of revelling in your own perceived self glory, how about congratulating the people who actually did save Muamba’s life? If there is a God, I’m sure they would sooner praise a person whose actions helped save another, than someone who sits there and prays/does nothing. Which religion is this that teaches people praying to god to sort everything out is more important than what a person does? …oh that’s right, none of them. And in any case, typing #PrayforMuamba on the internet doesn’t actually constitute praying.

Plastic Vieira – Why are Manchester City trying to prove they’re not plastic by giving a former Arsenal player money to go around pretending to support them? All this really achieves is making the only team in the League who can’t sell out their ground despite actually paying people to turn up and support them. The ridiculous irony of Vieira accusing another football team of being “desperate” in these circumstances. Question; What’s more desperate? 37-year-old Paul Scholes coming back to earn a starting place on merit for one of the best teams in the country, and help them fight for a league title? Or 35-year-old Patrick Vieira coming back to support a team he played for about 3 times, and make increasingly outlandish remarks in the hope someone will notice him?

David “Rambo” Silva – If someone’s arm catches you in the jaw and it hurts really bad and you want to cry, what’s the best way to treat it? …that’s right, by wearing a bandage on a completely different part of your head. That’s minus 1,000 coolness points for Silva. Here’s another thing about Silva. He plays in behind the front men at City, much like Rooney does at United. Silva has 5 goals, Rooney has 27, although Silva does have 11 assists. More to the point, Silva has been poor at the key moments in the season thus far. Rooney has stood up with big performances and failing that, vital end product…who would most people say has had the better season? I’d bet Silva, on account of him possessing that Arsenal-esque ability to look really flash even whilst doing nothing. Although for me there’s a reason hidden in here why United have gained 8 points on City over the past few months.

Stoke – Is it just me, or is one of their stands named after a brand of dog food?

Chelsea – Which version of Chelsea is worse? The one that didn’t care on Wednesday against City, or the one that did care against Spurs on Saturday? The answer inexplicably, is probably both. City handed the game over on a plate during the week and still somehow found themselves winning, and then on Saturday…well, you know it’s bad when the other team plays for a draw, and yet you end up being the team lucky to escape with one…and this is resurgent, revitalised Chelsea, supposedly. Not sulking, capitulating Chelsea. I keep hearing the word transition, but in order to transist, you have to be in the process of changing things, and one of the few things that this shouldn’t be is the manager, every single year. Because as soon as you do that, any transition process that is in effect starts over. At present there is no transition, only wilting.

Liverpool – I’ve figured out what they are. They’re like the last meal request for Premiership teams on relegation death row. They pose and carry all the aura of a big club, but without the ability to play like one, allowing the likes of QPR and Wigan that one last fairy tale hoorah that they could never hope to achieve against any of the actual big boys. That’s what the Suarez episode was about…it was purely to maintain the aura and recognition of Liverpool FC that their results over the last [insert any timeframe up to 20 years] would otherwise not be able to do.

Uruguay volley man – As soon as I found out Coates had scored for Liverpool, I knew it was going to be some form of needlessly flash looking volley. That’s because this is the only type of goal Uruguayan defenders or midfielders know how to score. Due to the lack of needless ball juggling or keepy uppies sessions in the build up, Coates’ spectacular spinning overhead kick type thing would barely even be rated as average in the Uruguayan league. In fact, it probably wouldn’t have even counted as a goal. Peter Crouch’s effort on the other hand might have received a few half hearted applause in amongst the sarcastic yawns.

Emnes of Middlesbrough – No one who’s black and has dreadlocks should ever be allowed to be as rubbish at football as this man. In fact, all dreadlocked people need to be cool and amazing at everything in order to protect the positive stereotype I have of them. This does not mean running up the pitch with all the poise of a one-legged horse in an earthquake. Or hitting a shot with such blistering lack of pace, the goal keeper actually has to run from his goal and towards the ball to save it. It was also notable during the same game that Sam Allardyce has already achieved his brief of turning West Ham into the most boring team on earth.

Kit watch – The inevitable has finally happened, and blue is no longer considered distinguishable enough from red in the eyes of Premier League officials, with Wigan being forced again to don their away kit against Liverpool…their away kit which just happens to be a slightly different shade of blue to their home one. The main thing I’m struggling with here is trying to decide which part of it makes sense the least; The point in making a team who play in blue change their kit when the other team play in red; the point in doing so when their away kit is also blue anyway, or the point in even having an away kit if you’re going to make it the same colour as your home one.

Neil Lennon – Wouldn’t it be easier to start every game with Neil Lennon sat in the stands and then have him sent down to the side of the pitch if he starts behaving himself too much?

Celtic and Rangers seem to have invented a new spin-off from traditional football, known simply as “Panic ball”. Every player has to spend the entirety of each game sprinting aimlessly around, and must rid themselves of possession within 3 seconds or else the ball explodes and kills them. footballing ability being rendered irrelevant is not such an issue in Old Firm games due to it being so rare for anyone on the pitch to possess any in the first place.

and some random awards:
Intelligence award – Djibriel Cisse

The “guess which minute of the Stoke vs City game I missed due to internet connection problems” award – That’s right, the same minute in which Peter Crouch scored one of the best and potentially most important goals of the season

Randomly remembered player award – Michael Brown. Like 90% of premiership midfielders, Brown used to play for Tottenham Hotspur. He made his name by repeatedly not getting sent off for awful fouls and deliberate elbows. Like 100% of midfielders who’s strengths lie in these areas, Brown has eventually ended up at Leeds United.

Exaggerated claim of the weekend – “It’s so hot down there, you’d expect the game to be played at a slow pace” …it was about 12 degrees.

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As per, a round-up of the things that don’t really make sense:

Roy Keane – According to ITV,  back in the 2007 FA cup, Everton beat Roy Keane 7-0. There are many reasons why this doesn’t make much sense. The main one being that it requires Everton to have scored 7 goals in one football game, which simply has and will never happen.

Credit where it’s due to ITV however. I watched four football games under their televisual guidance this week, in which there were a total of 13 goals, and not a single one occurred during the adverts. Though disappointingly Andy Townsend was allowed to commentate on three of them. We’ll come back to him and ITV later.

They stole the game from us! – Following David Richards water feature episode, there have been lots of comments claiming he’s embarrassed the English and only helped to further enhance the unfair stereotype other nations have of us…I’m sorry, but if we’re being honest with ourselves, nothing stereotypes the English more appropriately than getting drunk, making an idiot of yourself and then falling over. I’ve done this probably three times in the past week alone. We’re basically just the Irish in denial.

Five minutes stoppage time! – It seems that point in the season has been reached where the default four minutes of stoppage time added on to the end of tight games, mysteriously becomes five minutes stoppage time added on to the end of tight games, for no other reason than because the end of the season is getting closer. When was the last time the stoppage time added on at the end of a game actually reflected the amount of time the ball was in play? If this did happen no Stoke game would ever finish. They’d still be playing the first half of their opening day fixture against Chelsea…and it’d still be 0-0.

Wolves fans – I don’t understand Wolves fans. They boo their players relentlessly and without remorse every single week for trying to win football games, and then, when one of their players gets themselves selfishly and childishly sent off, costing them the game, they applaud him off the pitch and erupt into rapturous celebrations. I said at the start of the season Mick McCarthy doesn’t understand that the point of football is to win games…but obviously it’s some kind of infectious disease doing the rounds up there. Yet another valid reason to build a contamination wall around the outskirts of Wolverhampton and then pretend it never existed.

Wolves and home games – Here’s another thing. Wolves almost never seem to play away from home. They’re on Sky every single week, capitulating feebly at Molineux, in front of their furious home fans who’ve only turned up so they can make a point of storming off home again.

Kit watch – Norwich again this week, and this time their green and BRIGHT YELLOW kit was apparently too similar to the black and white of Newcastle, forcing them to play in their alternative kit of green….and white. This is why it’s important Fifa did “steal” the game from England. If England were still running it, the infamous yellow kit of Brazil would never have been seen, because they’d be forced to play in their away kit for every single game…that is unless they ended up playing Norwich, in which case both teams would be allowed to wear their home shirts.

Liverpool vs Stoke – Surely the most difficult game to officiate outside of El Cheatico. Whenever the referee gives any decision, about anything, both teams and managers are going to voice their outrage and begin citing him for costing them the game…and unsurprisingly this is what 90% of the game consisted of. The other 10% was me slowly realising that Peter Crouch is better at being Andy Carrol than Andy Carrol is, despite still himself being incredibly rubbish at being Andy Carrol.

TV coverage special:

And your 3d commentators are… – Hang on a minute, why does watching the game in 3D require different commentary to not watching it in 3D? Does the 3D version of the game pan out differently to the mere 2D version? Does the commentary leap out of the television and surround you, making you feel as if you’re sat in the commentary box itself?…or is it just, as I suspect, that the commentators sit in the stadium commentating on the game whilst wearing a pair of poxy looking 3D glasses?

Showing extended clip of manager’s face more important than showing the game - Why does every single television station consider this a good idea? There’s only a certain length of time that clips of Sir Alex Ferguson chewing a piece of gum can remain interesting for, and that length of time is roughly equal to the length of time it takes someone to realise they’re staring at a clip of Sir Alex Ferguson chewing a piece of gum. Yet Sky must have weeks worth of archived footage dedicated to this. Several goals were nearly missed during the United vs Wolves game due to this inexplicable routine. Please stop it.

Didier Drogbarrr and Marouane Filinee – I was unaware players were allowed to just change their names mid-season, and not bother to inform anyone other than ITV’s commentary team. I do however remember Yakubu changing his name to Yakaboo half way through a Middlesbrough vs Everton game which I was listening to on Radio 5. I therefore blame Yakaboo for setting the precedent on this.

Most wrong commentary statement ever? – “That’s what goalkeepers work on all week. It’s not about the first save, it’s all about bouncing back up to react to the second one”

A line trotted out by serial nonsense talker Andy Townsend. This statement is unique in that it’s possibly the most incorrect thing any commentator has ever said. There are so many things wrong with it, we have to break it down into stages just to cover the surface:

“That’s what goalkeepers work on all week” – No it isn’t. They also work on kicking, catching the ball, fitness, shouting at defenders for something that was their own fault, etc.

“It’s not about the first save” – Yes it is. In fact it’s entirely about the first save, otherwise the ball would go into the goal.

“It’s all about bouncing back up to react to the second one” – It’s not all about that at all, and who makes the second save if the goalkeeper only has to react to it…Stephane Henchoz?

Not to mention, that a goalkeeper needing to make a second save usually indicates that they failed to make the first save properly. I doubt goalkeepers spend any time at all working on being rubbish at goalkeeping (well, apart from David James).

And some (not so) random awards:

Hero of the week – All of the medical people on hand at White Hart Lane, obviously, whose actions have hopefully helped to save a young person’s life.

Fabrice Muamba award – Get well soon fellah.

The Peter Cech award for being Peter Cech - Chris Smalling

Randomly remembered player award – Stephane Henchoz. Liverpool goalkeeper between 1999 and 2005. After that he did what every other player who wants to ruin their career does…move to Scotland

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Same format this week…things that either don’t, or shouldn’t make sense. A change of title though. Two reasons. Firstly “Premier League Review” sounded a bit too much like the sort of program that usually comes on Sky Sports 4 at about 2am, and turns out to be a 25 minute interview with Swansea’s third choice left back. Secondly, because sooner or later some smart arse would no doubt chirp in with “that didn’t happen in the Premiership though”, and then I’d have to change the whole bleeding thing  just to come back and pretend they’re wrong. Anyway:

Anglo-American rivalry – They’re trying, but they still don’t quite get it. There was a video on The Guardian website this week of David Beckham calmly removing a beer can from the pitch before taking a corner, appropriately titled “Beckham beer can fury”

The video was from a game between LA Galaxy and Toronto FC. The first thing to note from this video was that the corner flag appeared to have a small yellow cone attached to the bottom of it. Obviously this shouldn’t be. Secondly, the home crowd, eager to voice their disapproval of yank representing David Beckham, did so by chanting “Beckham” at him repeatedly. Now, is it just me, or has something gone horribly amiss here? The spirit of rival player taunting has clearly been lost in translation. Where are the vile insults? The small children in the front row giving the v sign? Where is the uncontrolled irrational pure hatred? Why did everyone start laughing instead of swearing furiously when Beckham set up a goal from the resulting corner? Anglo-Americans; the harder they try, the harder they fail.

UEFA referees – What’s a good sign that the officiating of football has started to get a bit daft? …how about when a player is penalised for kicking the ball, with his foot.

Blindsman – The early game this week featured Bolton and QPR (for some reason), and you have to wonder what the point is sometimes. You run across your marker, you time your run perfectly to meet the cross, you head the ball into the goal, you turn to celebrate…but unfortunately you’re in Bolton and it’s Saturday lunch time, and the only person who would agree to run the line is “blind Bob”…an actual blind man employed by the FA so they can make him help officiate Bolton’s home games by tricking him into thinking he’s somewhere else.

QPR, the team of three teams – At the start of the season, they had a lack of top flight pedigree in their starting line up, so they went out and bought half a new team to fix things…then for the middle part of the season, their revitalised side was let down by a lack of quality in the final third…so they went out and bought a load of strikers in January. Now, their strikers look capable of winning games, but there’s no one to pass the ball to them because the rest of the team has mysteriously turned useless. I feel sorry for both Warnock and Hughes (or would do if it was actually possible for either of them to get any more miserable than they already were). QPR are the football team version of the rubix cube…and not just any rubix cube, one that has seven colours despite only having six sides.

Charlie Adam, the midfielder – This weekend was the final nail in the coffin…He isn’t a midfielder. He doesn’t know how to play there. He doesn’t position himself correctly or look to provide an option for his team mates. He’s basically a “pass!” version of Darron “shoot!” Gibson. At least if you combined the two of them you might get, well…someone who doesn’t know how to play in midfield (or pass, or shoot). Sort of what a hideously failed experiment to try and clone Frank Lampard would be like. A lot of teams seem to be having problems with midfield this season. Manchester City occasionally have to rely on Gareth Barry to play well, Arsenal pinned their hopes on someone who with each passing week, gets two weeks further away from fitness, United have become confused as to who their midfielders actually are, and as a result refused to spend any money making their midfield better, and Liverpool have spent loads of money making theirs worse.

The Old Trafford slope of death – It claimed another victim this weekend. Or at least it would have had it not decided to pick on Phil Jones (Where other players would slide helplessly into the advertising hoarding, Jones leapt over it, throwing himself towards the floor, daring it not to move out of his way). Why does this slope exist? Do they just lay each new pitch on top of the previous one at Old Trafford? By 2020, any player who slides off the edge of the pitch during a United home game will simply disappear into the gap between the touch-line and the stadium roof, never to be seen again.

Kit watch – Last week, officials deemed Norwich’s BRIGHT YELLOW kit too similar to the red and white of Stoke. This week, it was deemed too similar to Wigan’s blue (yes, blue) kit, and Wigan were forced to play in their away kit instead…which as it turned out was also blue, just a slightly darker shade of blue,  with bits of yellow on it. I have to admit I’m struggling a lot with this. Just…why?

Twitter rumours -

“guys, according to @IAMFULLOFSHIT Pogba’s already signed a deal at Juventus for £20k a week…that’s 3k less than United were offering!” RT RT RT

These people are the scurge of the earth, and worse, are the ones who actually believe them, or who don’t believe them, but don’t quite not believe them enough to just dismiss it, so make some daft comment like “I’m not sure how much we should read into this”

If you’re “not sure” how much you should read into something someone just made up on twitter, you’re an idiot. You people are responsible for every stupid rumour, every contract saga, every muppet infested transfer deadline day. I hope you all die.

And some random awards:

Hero of the week – Athletic Bilbao take the award for managing to play a bit like Barcelona, without acting a bit like Barcelona. I realise Athletic Bilbao aren’t a person, but all of their players basically look like the same person, except for Llorente who looks like the same person but slightly taller.

The Harry Redknapp chump of the week award – Everton FC  “ok Harry, we’ll let you have Saha as long as we have a gentlemen’s agreement that you wont play him against us”

Randomly remembered player award – Abel Xavier…that guy who looked like Father Christmas. He was at Everton for years and then suddenly, without ever actually leaving Everton, was half way through his first season at Liverpool. After this he made a habit of suddenly appearing for random teams midway through games or seasons…even though he’d still never actually left Everton, or Liverpool. Most recently when I was watching a Chelsea pre season game, and there he was, playing against them for some team I’d never heard of.

Instead of going into the detailed ins and outs of this weekend’s football, I’ve decided it’ll be easier to roll up a list of things that don’t or didn’t really make sense, or that even if they do make sense, probably shouldn’t. So, as follows:

Everyone blaming John Terry for Villas Boas being sacked – Now, I’m not one to shirk a good bit of Terry bashing (I’d prefer to see his face literally bashed into a brick wall, repeatedly, but you take what you can get). In fact, earlier, I’d also decided to blame John Terry for Villas Boas being sacked, but then later I thought about it a bit more…well, I thought about it at all, briefly, whilst eating a biscuit. What is this blame actually based on? Has John Terry deliberately played badly? Does John Terry threaten his team mates into sulking through the middle part of every season? Did John Terry tell Villas Boas to keep playing or bringing on Florent Malouda in place of players who are much better than him? Does he march routinely into Roman Abramovic’s office and shout “right, you Russian whore, here’s what we’re going to do next!”? John Terry is a big problem for us all. A stain on the human race that refuses to wash out, but for Chelsea and their continuous sacking of managers, he is surely not THE problem. The problem is the guy above his and the manager’s head whose impatience blinds him from reason. The other side of this problem is that removing Abramovic will also remove the need for Chelsea to find a new manager, ever again. There are more than enough valid reasons to hate John Terry without having to invent new ones.

Liverpool fans chanting “Luis Suarez, he does what he wants” – No he doesn’t. Luis Suarez wants to score goals, and he doesn’t actually appear to be very good at it. He’s good at nearly scoring them…Luis Suarez nearly does what he wants? The other thing he wants to do is racially abuse other players, and though he appears to be more succesful at this, he’s not actually allowed to do it, ever. You can’t just chant things that are the opposite of the truth. You don’t hear Fulham fans chanting “we are the champions” You don’t go to a Take That concert and start-up a rendition of “you’re not singing anymore”. Stop being morons.

Arsenal players all shaking hands with each other after the final whistle – In a remarkable act of sportsmanship, Arsenal players took time after their game on Saturday to all huddle into a big group, and shake hands…with each other, whilst completely ignoring the opposition players. Sorry, did I say sportsmanship? I meant “pompous twattery”. Do they always do this? Or is it only when they win (which would explain why I’ve barely noticed it this season until now)? Why do I get the feeling this is all Thierry Henry’s fault?

Newcastle and Sunderland playing each other in their home kits – Please stop this. It makes absolutely no sense. They both have black shorts, they both have predominantly white shirts. It is therefore difficult to those of us whose eyesight cannot distinguish the different shades of green in each blade of grass from half a mile away, to tell each of them apart. Norwich were forced to play in their away kit at Stoke on Saturday, despite their shirts being BRIGHT YELLOW. How is bright yellow a closer colour scheme to red, black and white, than black, black and white is? We’re supposed to trust referees to make instant and near impossible calls correctly and consistently, when they can’t even tell that bright yellow is less similar to white than white is?

Sigurdsson’s Fifa 2012 fish celebration – Look mate, computer simulations are supposed to copy real life, not the other way around. Don’t start confusing the boundaries between real life and fantasy even more than they already have been. It’s bad enough that Ashley Young’s right foot comes with a built-in “Fifa fines shot” button. I don’t want to wake up one morning and find I can’t go out because I’ve been disconnected from EA servers.

Vincent Kompany’s twitter – I don’t want to like Vincent Kompany, so it’s annoying that the most dislikable thing I can pin him down to is thinking the word “save” is spelt with an f. Even that’s just kind of cute. Bugger off, you cuddly headed little scamp!

Wolves, Wigan and Bolton’s “Who can be the most shit” competition – When is someone going to tell them they’re doing it wrong? Now is traditionally the time of the season when relegation threatened teams scrap and fight for every point, every goal…every ball. On the other hand, if you put the positive efforts of these three together, all you’d get is a slightly unnarsed Aston Villa. It’s like they’re challenging each other to find ways to get worse. You don’t get a prize for finishing below everyone else. Unless you count a weekend trip to play Doncaster in September and having Gary Megson appointed manager as prizes.

Manchester United’s ball retention – Here we have a team with two of the best players in the league at keeping the ball in central midfield, surrounded by the kind of technically gifted footballers most teams are lucky if they have even one of, and yet for the last two weeks they’ve displayed a will and ability to retain possession that would be considered shameful for most Sunday League sides. Insisting on somehow winning games by sitting so deep that even when they do pick up the ball, the only viable option is to hack it up the pitch in the manner of a semi-pro outfit trying to cling on for their precious FA Cup replay. This is the equivalent to entering a race against a field of Ford Fiestas with an F1 Ferrari, getting to the front of the grid, and then driving round the whole track in first gear trying to block off anyone from overtaking you. This is almost certainly incredibly spoilt of me, but as a football fan I actually find it makes for depressing viewing, because, although the battling qualities are admirable, it’s a criminal waste of talent. As a United fan naturally I couldn’t care less what I think, as long as United win.

New Tottenham – I said it last week and I’ll say it again now. What is new about them? I’m told they’re stronger than ever, have a backbone they never before possessed, and are only going up. In reality, they’ve bottled every big game this season, were out of Europe before Christmas, seem to be in the midst of an Arsenal esque crumble down, and are in increasingly credible danger of finishing fifth in a three-horse race. New Tottenham are more old Tottenham than old Tottenham were. It’s just that everyone else has gotten worse.

…and to round off, here are some random awards;

Hero of the weekend – Van Persie takes it for his god-like winning goal and smug post game interview. Pointing out (correctly) to Geoff Shreeves that no, his goal wasn’t the same as the one he scored at Everton at all, because this time he deliberately used the inside of his foot to guide it into the opposite corner. Before then smiling knowingly to the camera and presumably shaking his own hand for taking the time out to be interviewed by someone.

Chant of the weekend – Wolves fans, usually revered for the merciless booing aimed at their own players, chirped in with “you only sing when you’re rowing” at Fulham today, all whilst their side cruised to their latest hiding. It admittedly brought me a level of amusement.

Nonsense claim of the weekend – Proclamation from a friend during Match of the Day that Alan Shearer “doesn’t look like Alan Shearer anymore”…He looks exactly like Alan Shearer. He’s had the exact same face since he was about 18 months old.