[26 may 1999]

"If you don't pull over soon I'm pissing out of the window"

Said Gaz in a matter of fact kind of way.

Hilton park services awaited.

What a mistake that turned out to be.

[redcharlie]

As 26 had spent the whole approach to Hilton Park services wide eyed and gazing, trying to convince Andy, Weaste and Gaz that it was, in fact, a spaceship and that David Icke had been right all along.

Meanwhile, from the boot of the car, the pounding grew to a ferocious howl.

[golden_blunder]

as Paz was in the boot whacking one off to his RnB tunes

[26 may 1999]

BANG!

We drove straight into a trap...

It was the peoples front of Judea and they were everywhere.

[redcharlie]

Which was news to Devilish, who thought he was alone in the boot ( keep up GB ), and assumed the beats were coming from his magical mobile phone.

[26 may 1999]

In the boot of a luton van?

[redcharlie]

So becalmed that Hilton Pk services wasn't a spaceship afterall, 26 agreed to press on through the long, dark night towards Plech's local....regardless of what was happening in the boot.

[26 may 1999]

The M1 at last...

Pleks gaff here we come.

Fuck off Birmingham you miserable souless traffic jam we'll be skirting you on the way back.

[redcharlie]

and further south, an unfortunate detour through Oxford led to a close encounter with an extremely boring chap who was hitching a lift.........desperately trying to convince our heroes that he could pay handsomely, if only given the chance.

[gaz hacket]

We were all in agreement to pick up this extremely boring chap as he had convinced 26 that he had people on the inside in london that could help us out if we encountered a problem .
In you get shouted a sleepy 26 get in the boot with blind weaste, farting gaz,and treble chinned andy who was still in dismay that he,d not made it to the o,malley gym becuase after such a long journey of blind weaste trampling all over his d/ble chin they were begining to bruise.
Well onward we went on this fantastic journey extremely boring chap was now directing the driver dont worry G4orceskin I know this place like the back on my hand were lost you twat was the response of an driver fuelled on 26,s charlie that he had bought earlier Suddenly there was a terrific band on the side off the luton van.
Some tough hard nut of a cockereney had thrown a brick whilst fuelled up on larger shandies ,we, pulled the van up and 26 confronted the hooligan with the shandy who do think you are you cunt was his words ,I,M STAAAAN FROM WEEEST AAAM, was the reply suddenly 26 realised we were in big trouble cos STAAAN FROM WEEEST AAAM was AARD,26 legged it to the boot and told us what had occured I,ll handle this said the extremely boring man .
Gaz ,andy 26, GForceskin,blind weaste,and devilish all popped into STAAAN FROM WEEST AAAM,S local which was called the I.C.F ARMS but they only served shandies who,s round was the shout from gaz i,m gaggin.

[redcharlie]

Never mind Gaz's grasp of old English, said Weaste, lets nail this Plek fucker. He's been outshining me too long and now it's personal.

[gaz hacket]

[redcharlie]

Down into the long,dark streets of Laandan town and the full gravity of chancing upon Plek in his own manor is starting to hit home. It's practically Apocalypse Now.

[gaz hacket]

But that did,nt stop the extremely boring chap,he said to red charlie listen my son I know people in laandon town leave this too me i,ll ring paz on me moby he,s my mate he like,s the same music as me.
Ok said redcharlie i,ll pop in to the boot of the luton van to tell em it,s in your capable ands ok .

[redcharlie]

Which might well've appened, guv.....if Paz wasnt stuck in the boot with Devilish......and Weaste wasn't thrashing Gaz around the head withThe Daily Star for his abuse of old English.

Meantimes, a sobering 26 and Andy are starting to realise that Laandaan is a tad bigger than Warrington. Andy senses more chance to cop off , but 26 at the wheel is befuddled with memories of The Turf And Feather. 'Take me back to the shed!' he cries, as through the dark, neon-lit streets they seek the Plek.

[gaz hacket]

Whilst weaste it thrashing gaz around the head with the daily star this gives gaz an idea ! why dont we stop at an internet cafe and contact plech .

[redcharlie]

Which is a typical northern cuntish thing to do. Set of from a boozer in Manchester all full of threats, but suddenly hit the smoke and it's ' erm, maybe we should try an internet caff first.' Northern softies.

[spinoza]

And so the six gay feckers staggered into an all-night internet cafe to find Plech, only to discover that it was an armadillo brothel run by a fat ginger Welshman, who was busy adjusting his big black pangolin shaped butt-plug to let out a huge feck-off fart without spraying shit on the windows.

You dirty Taffy bastard Davo, I said!

[redcharlie]

And our heroes quickly realised they were out of their depth trying to find the Pleck........with their dull northern accents in the city of twenty million lights. The Pleck being at the throbbing, red centre.........slightly askew from the West End. And silent, watching.

[26 may 1999]

"Anyone fancy some pie and mash?"

Enquired 26.

"Fuck off knobhead"

Came the unanimous reply.

[26 may 1999]

"Jellied eels then?"

"Fuck off!"

[26 may 1999]

"Savaloy?"

So, 26 gets out his latest loony David Icke book to look for inspiration.

[26 may 1999]

And quickly realises that it has been fate all along that has brought him to this evil place...

The square mile.

The city of London.

Global heaquarters of the illuminati.

The place where the next 100 years is already known.

"I want to go home"

Said a frightened looking Andy.

[redcharlie]

Big Andy has to ask if there's a local bird available.
Whereupon, 26 flew over Tower Bridge and swung left into deepest ,darkest, crack infested sarf east Laaadan, in their quest for plek.

Feckin hell.........what a manouevre.

They end up in Peckham, where one one of the many 6'4 black crack dealers says: Awright, Geez? Nice one. Gimme ya wagon and everything'll be sweet as a nut.

Our heroes step humbly out.
Twist:Big Andy has to ask if there's a local wench available, as he's desperate to spill he love juice.

Cawse there is , geez.........says Big Winston. Er's one for you and all yer mates....easy. Ever heard dem Gregory Isaacs and is Night Nurse? Irie.

[26 may 1999]

Shit...

Gaz has sparkled big Winston and nicked his stash.

"What the fuck did you do that for Gaz?"

"Can't stand these southern wankers...leg it!"

[redcharlie]

'Steady Bro,
You is in de house now. Reeeeeelax. Ri-yan, Ri-yan....dems bro used to tangle wid dem Ty-saaaan. Bring de nordin lads de Ginger bea while de Andy Boy fill im load. You like de pipe, Nordi?

[gaz hacket]

All I can say is we failed to find plech were do we go from here fellow northerners !.

[mickthered]

Lets find a proper pub with proper beer none of that shandy southern shite

[golden_blunder]

"alssshhhrigghhhht laddddddssss" said the figure drunkenly stumbling along the pavement towards them.

when he got closer, our heroes recognised him as 80's legend PAUL MCGRATH!!

The big man slurred "caannnnss onee of yous laddddddsss gimmmeee a ...."

[mickthered]

hey Paul do you know someone called Plech,
yea corse I do but not as well as I know Devilish

[redcharlie]

Closely followed by big Norms ( Whiteside), a close, personal friend of redcharlie, who although not part of this sick scenario is happy to advise our forlorn caff colleagues.
The local dudes are appeased by the sudden arrival of ooh-ahh and big Norms and Norms is happy to advise our heroes that they is on the wrong side of the river. Dems needs to get dem batty north if dems gonna track de Plek, irie.
And so Big Andy runs to dems luton van wid his kecks around dem legs and an unopened johnny in dems hands and joins up wid de thumpin wagon. Irie.

[cD]

It began to rain