Davo's eczema aardvark colander

Plechazunga

As we all know, what Davo lacks in scansion ability he makes up by being a repetitive bitter gobshite...

What is less known is that his chronic rectal eczema can only be cured by pushing an aardvark up his arse through a colander.

The thought of it makes my skin crawl to be honest.

Davo

Can you get eczema of the arse?

That would be a right cnut

Plechazunga

Don't be coy, it doesn't suit you.

Your arse is a disgrace mate.

kf

'kinnel. Get the RSPCA round. I've a soft spot for Aardvarks.

Sounds like Davo has too

Escuchamezz

Anal itch, also known as pruritus ani, is an irritating, itchy sensation around the anus (the opening where stool passes). Anal itch is a symptom, not an illness, and it can have many different causes. In most cases, a person with anal itch has no underlying disease of the anus or rectum. Instead, the itchy sensation is merely a sign that one or more of the following has irritated the anal skin:

* Stool on the skin around the anal opening — If the anal area isn't cleaned properly after a bowel movement, a small amount of stool may be left behind on the skin, triggering anal itch. Less often, watery stools may leak out of the anal opening and cause anal itching. This leakage sometimes happens in otherwise healthy people whose diets include very large amounts of liquids.
* A diet containing foods or beverages that irritate the anus — Potential dietary irritants include spices and spicy foods, coffee (both caffeinated and decaffeinated), tea, cola, milk, alcoholic beverages (especially beer and wine), chocolate, citrus fruits, vitamin C tablets and tomatoes. Once a person eats or drinks something that can irritate the anus, it usually takes 24 to 36 hours — the time food needs to travel through the digestive tract — before anal itching begins.
* Treatment with antibiotics — Tetracyclines, erythromycin and other broad-spectrum antibiotics (powerful antibiotics that work against many different bacterial species) can trigger anal itch by disturbing the normal ecology of the intestines.
* A local chemical irritation or skin allergy in the anal area — In sensitive individuals, chemicals and medications that are applied to the anal area can cause local irritation or allergic reactions. Some major culprits include dyes and perfumes used in toilet paper (especially scented toilet paper), feminine-hygiene sprays and other deodorants for the area around the anus or genitals, medicated talcum powders, and medicated skin cleansers and soaps, especially perfumed soaps. Anal itch also can be triggered by over-the-counter medications (suppositories, creams, ointments) intended to treat anal problems.
* Intense cleaning after a bowel movement — Although the anal area should be cleaned after every bowel movement, this cleaning must be gentle. Aggressive rubbing and scrubbing, especially with soaps or other skin cleansers, can irritate the skin and trigger anal itch.

Nialler

if you've any ants in your underpants get rid of them pronto

Plechazunga

No ants go near Davo's rank eczema-encrusted arse.
They've got more sense.

Davo

Less of this arse talk!

Poof

Obviously..

Plechazunga

it's not me forcing aardvarks up my arse through a colander. Does it really help your grim anal eczema infestation, or is it just a poof thing?

Nialler

My mates Mrs works as a receptionist in one of the biggest hospitals in Dublin and told me that an elderly man came into casualty one day with a bottle of perfume shoved inside his arse, not half as bad as turning up with an Aardvaark up there though...........

I'm putting me coat on

Plechazunga

It was probably still Davo. He'll have shoved the aftershave up there to disguise the smell of aardvark.

What a sick fuck.

Nialler

.......heard those Aardvaarks love Hai Karate aftershave as the smell of it stuns and flabbergasts the ants

Escuchamezz

never tried shoving an aftershave up your ass before?

Plechazunga

that's what they say, but sadly these aardvarks are in no position to smell anything, having been torn to ribbons by a colander for 'medical reasons'

And you know how he forces the aardvarks through the colander? You guessed it, he straps them to a granfather clock welded to a railway line, then attaches himself to the front of a train with sinister little magnets, wedges the colander in place and impacts somewhere near Pontypridd, usually.

I hate that kind of thing.

Nialler

.....worst kind of magnets them sinister ones, imagine after all that dumping him in pontypridd

kf

WAY too much information in your post Escuchamezz

Plechazunga

I know, I know. One can ponder the motives all day, but it's nigh on impossible to get any true psychological insight into what makes someone like Davo tick. All you can say for sure is

1. He's Scouse
2. He's Welsh
3. He's gay
4. He's depraved
5. As a child he was fed ants by an uncle called Iain
6. He suffers severely from eczema of the arse
7. He has a limited sense of responsibility towards himself and other creatures
8. He wants desperately to belong, and even more desperately to be long
9. He's a cnut
10. He still hasn't got his missus a Christmas present (cos he's too busy barrelling mammals of the order Orycteropodidae up his feverishly grizzled ring piece in unimaginably baroque ways).

kf

Davo tying aardvark's front feet together so it can't escape while he fetches the collander?

Plechazunga

it looks almost tender doesn't it? You'd hardly guess the horrific ordeal in store for it.

Davo

'kin hell...remind me to not to ask Pletch to produce a word advent calender again!!!

The excitable, wordy poof knows no limits when it comes to retribution..

Nialler

so he goes on the rob to get the Hai Karate for the Aardvaarks to flabbergast the Ants and all so that he can shove the Aardvaark up his brown starfish for cheap sexual thrills
getting the arse eczema is his punishment from God, there was no need to bring a colander into the equation

Plechazunga

Fair point, but at least I don't bludgeon poor animals up my arse through a rusty colander using most unlikely stunts involving high-speed train collisions, all with the aim of slightly assuaging a livid anal inflammation caused no doubt by banging other blokes.

Poof

Nialler

Thats how priests groom alter boys

Plechazunga

They use aardvarks do they? God, once you scratch the surface of ths aardvark thing it's amazing how deep it goes.

As Davo discovered.

Nialler

apparently they sprinkle Ant aroma around the alter boys nether regions allegedly

Plechazunga

Bet there's no colanders involved though. They're bad men, but they're human beings.

Nialler

or sinister magnets and grandfather clocks, the sheer inhumanity of it all is quite revolting

Plechazunga

Agreed. Though in a way you've got to admire the satanic ingenuity of it.

kf

Plechazunga

it's far too late to worry about that I'm afraid. he's left the board now, and that can only mean one thing.

VanNistelrater

Nialler

Waiter : "Just one little sauteed steamed Aardvaak with ant juice sir ?"
Davo : " Excuse me, but could you get me coat as I've just come ."