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4th February 2006, 07:05
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#1 (permalink) |
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Betty Swallox
Join Date: Jan 2000
Location: There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary and those who don't.
Posts: 6,322
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Jokes
An ugly old man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman. "Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly old man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!" "Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?" "Dunno...Never found the head." |
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7th February 2006, 10:37
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#5 (permalink) |
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Executive Manager being kept sane only by her madness
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: Someone said that half of Caf members were thick. It's not true. Half of you aren't thick at all.
Posts: 27,390
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Going to make this a sticky to avoid several hundred joke threads.
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop, and her son say "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now as this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train right now." The mother went nuts and said "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now you can go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train but you use decent language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with the train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the child say "All passengers who are disembarking, please rmember to take all of your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. And remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey." As the mother begain to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen." |
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7th February 2006, 10:52
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#7 (permalink) |
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Executive Manager being kept sane only by her madness
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: Someone said that half of Caf members were thick. It's not true. Half of you aren't thick at all.
Posts: 27,390
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I don't know if this is a joke or a true story!
This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like something from The Twilight Zone, it's true. John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was hitchhiking on a dark night and in the middle of a storm. John could hardly see a few feet ahead of him, but he saw the headlights of an approaching car, travelling slowly towards him. When it stopped he was so desperate for shelter, he jumped into the car and closed the door. He turned to speak to the driver, but there was no-one in the car, and the engine wasn't even on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Too scared even to jump out of the car, he started to pray. Then just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John was paralysed with terror, and watched as the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. Eventually he saw the lights of a pub and gathering his strength he jumped out of the car and ran inside. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila, and then started to tell everybody about the horrible experience he had just been through. The bar became silent as they listened to his story. About 15 minutes later, two guys walked in, also wet and very out of breath. Looking around, they saw John at the bar, and one said to the other, "Look Bruce - there's that fucking idiot who got in the car while we were pushing it." |
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7th February 2006, 10:54
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#8 (permalink) | |
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Soldier of Fortune
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Too close to Mexico, too far from a decent pub.
Posts: 5,356
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Quote:
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7th February 2006, 19:47
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#16 (permalink) | |
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First Team Sub
Join Date: May 2004
Location: "I Don't Want To Be Compared To Anyone, I'd Like To Impose My Own Style Of play And Do The Best For Myself And For My Club" - Cristiano Ronaldo
Posts: 8,895
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Quote:
Keep it rollin |
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7th February 2006, 19:52
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#17 (permalink) |
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Banned
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Barely old enough to smoke...
Posts: 3,712
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What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man? Answer: "Lazy." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives. The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional." The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids." They then asked the woman, "What are you?" She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections? A whine and cheese party -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman #10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s. #9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road. #8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times. #7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup. #6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo. #5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. #4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month. #3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?" #2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it. AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun. |
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7th February 2006, 19:53
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#18 (permalink) |
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Banned
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Barely old enough to smoke...
Posts: 3,712
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Why is it called PMS? -- Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. the doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it. the woman replied, snorting pepper. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have a frog in the back A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog." "Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs." The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night. She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks. "What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem? |
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7th February 2006, 19:54
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#19 (permalink) |
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Banned
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Barely old enough to smoke...
Posts: 3,712
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Girl comes in for a Checkup
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Marriage changes passion................suddenly you're in bed with a relative. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tongue Twister A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?" So the guy tells him: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying: I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said: I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh." "She socked me one." The first guy responded, "Mine was a tongue twister too." "I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Corn Flakes, but I accidentally said: You ruined my life, you lousy bitch.'' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Let's Swap Positions "Darling" says a husband coyly to his wife: "let's swap positions tonight". "What a good idea" she replies, "you stand in front of the ironing board, and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart". |
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7th February 2006, 19:55
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#21 (permalink) |
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Banned
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Barely old enough to smoke...
Posts: 3,712
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Understanding a Woman
We need REALLY MEANS I want -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You want REALLY MEANS You need -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's your decision REALLY MEANS The correct decision should be obvious by now. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- We need to talk REALLY MEANS I need to complain -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do what you want REALLY MEANS You'll pay for this later. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You're ... so manly REALLY MEANS You need a shave and you sweat a lot. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sure... go ahead REALLY MEANS I don't want you to. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm not upset REALLY MEANS Of course I'm upset, you moron! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You're certainly attentive tonight. REALLY MEANS Is sex all you ever think about? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! REALLY MEANS I'm on my period. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Be romantic, turn out the lights. REALLY MEANS I'm Embarrassed -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This kitchen is so inconvenient REALLY MEANS I want a new house. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You have to learn to communicate. REALLY MEANS Just agree with me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yes REALLY MEANS No -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- No REALLY MEANS No -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Maybe REALLY MEANS No -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I heard a noise REALLY MEANS I noticed you were almost asleep. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do you love me? REALLY MEANS I'm going to ask for something expensive. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How much do you love me? REALLY MEANS I did something you're not going to like. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'll be ready in a minute. REALLY MEANS Be patient I'll be a while. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Am I a little fat? REALLY MEANS Tell me I'm beautiful. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm sorry. REALLY MEANS You'll be sorry. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do you like this recipe? REALLY MEANS It's easy to fix, so get used to it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Was that the baby? REALLY MEANS Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm not yelling! REALLY MEANS Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- All we're going to buy is a soap dish REALLY MEANS Major shopping trip. Did you bring your checkbook? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ah Sorority Girls How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb? She holds on to it, and the world revolves around her. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two, one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daddy. Six, one to screw it in, and five to make T-shirts. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What three words will a sorority girl never hear? "Attention K-mart shoppers." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is a sorority girls favorite position? Facing Bloomingdale's. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you get four sorority girls on one chair? Tell them there is a rich guy sitting in it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex? So she can fantasize about shopping. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between sorority girls and Jell-o? Jell-o wiggles when you eat it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a sorority girl's waterbed? Lake Placid. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a sorority girl is a nymphomaniac? She'll make love the same day she had her hair done. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between sorority girls and hookers? Sorority girls cost less per score. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a sorority girl and a phone booth? You need a quarter to use the phone. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you say to a sorority girl that won't give in? "Have another beer." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her look more attractive? Her ankles. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why does a sorority girl wear underwear? To keep her ankles warm. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning? Walks home. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is a sorority girls mating call? "I'm sooooooo drunk, I'm sooooooo drunk." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm? She drops her nail file -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball? There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What does the Bermuda Triangle and sorority girls have in common? They've both swallowed a lot of semen. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is a sorority girl like a door knob? 'Cause everybody gets a turn. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage? Garbage gets taken out once a week. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex? Marry her. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll? You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an lawyer? Don't know. There's only so much an lawyer can be forced to do. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you get a sorority girl in your bed? Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door and throw a Twinkie on the bed. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call 100 sorority girls bathing on a beach in Cuba? Bay of Pigs. |
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7th February 2006, 19:56
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#22 (permalink) | |
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Banned
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Barely old enough to smoke...
Posts: 3,712
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Quote:
nooo these are all off the top of my head.  i thought the idea of jokes was to share them around. |
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7th February 2006, 19:57
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#23 (permalink) |
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Banned
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Barely old enough to smoke...
Posts: 3,712
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How are a bowling ball and a sorority girl alike?
You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter and they'll always come back. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet? A toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a sorority and a circus? A circus is a cunning array of stunts. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bananas Two old maids were grocery shopping. The sign said `Bananas - 3 for 50 cents. So they put two in the shopping cart. One said to the other, "How much will that be apiece?" The other one said, " That would be fifty cents divided by three, multiplied by two, then divided by two - whatever that comes to." So the first old maid said, " Heck, just get three. That'll be a quarter apiece and we can eat the other one. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Day at the Zoo It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs...this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Riding Bikes Two women were riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome one late afternoon. As it turns dusk, the increasing darkness starts making one of the women a little nervous. She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before." The other says, "It's the cobblestones." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why Beer Is Better Than Women You can enjoy a beer all month long. Beer stains wash out. You don't have to wine and dine a beer. Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play ball. If your beer is flat, you can toss it out. Beer is never late. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer. A hangover will go away. Beer labels come off without a fight. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer. A beer never has a headache. A beer will never nag you. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head. A beer always goes down easy. You can share a beer with friends. You always know if you're the first one to pop a beer. A beer is always wet. A beer doesn't demand equality. You can have a beer in public. A beer doesn't care what time you come home. A frigid beer is a good beer. You don't have to wash a beer for it to taste good. If you decide to change beers, you don't have to pay alimony. |
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7th February 2006, 19:58
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#24 (permalink) |
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Banned
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Barely old enough to smoke...
Posts: 3,712
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The Rules
The female always makes the rules. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification. No male can possibly know all the rules. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all the rules. The female is never wrong. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong. If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding. The female can change her mind at any given point in time for any reason. The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset. The female must not, under any circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset. Any attempt by the male to document these rules could result in severe bodily harm. If the female has PMS, all rules are null and void |
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7th February 2006, 19:59
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#25 (permalink) |
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Banned
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Barely old enough to smoke...
Posts: 3,712
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WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table enjoying her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the front of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WOMEN'S REVENGE "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after bagging items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a TV remote in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider. |
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7th February 2006, 19:59
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#26 (permalink) |
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Banned
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Gashout
Posts: 7,330
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. For years, they live there, and one day they find a magic lamp. They rub it, and sure enough, out comes a genie. The genie says "since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one" So the brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life - I just want to go home." POOF, she is gone. The redhead makes her wish, "This place sucks, I want to go home too." POOF, she
is gone. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "What is the matter?" The blonde said, "I wish my friends were here." |
