Jokes

MarliMan · 20th January 2007, 18:05

why did the chicken cross the road?

TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!!!
obviously you fecking twats why else would it, to shag the town hoar FFS

reelworld · 21st January 2007, 07:31

Blackburn Rovers are the only club that has two cars in the team. A Bentley and a Nonda.

rednev · 26th January 2007, 19:03

Here's a joke, the atmosphere at Old Trafford. It's absoloutly pathetic.

PaulScholes03 · 28th January 2007, 18:37

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

PaulScholes03 · 28th January 2007, 19:41

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might aswell go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

PaulScholes03 · 28th January 2007, 19:47

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.
The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."
''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''

P.Head · 1st February 2007, 15:10

Doris & Harold lived in a nursing home & every afternoon Harold would go to Doris`s room & pop out his old man. Doris was happy to sit next to Harold & hold it in her hand while they chatted, before Harold would zip himself up, bid her good day & go back to his room.

One afternoon Harold didn`t turn up. Doris presumed he had visitors or had simply forgotten, but when Harold failed to show the next day, & the next, Doris was feeling not a little put-out.

A few days later Doris caught up with Harold in the communal lounge & decided to find out why he hadn`t been paying his visits.
"Sorry Doris. I`ve been going over to Mavis`s room in the afternoons instead" explained Harold.
"MAVIS?" Exclaimed Doris. "Whats MAVIS got that I haven`t then?"
"Parkinsons" said Harold.

P.Head · 2nd February 2007, 10:39

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Fuck her ..

P.Head · 2nd February 2007, 10:50

A duck walks into a bar & says to the barman: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No! We haven`t got any sodding bread!"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No .. Are you deaf!? We haven`t got any f**king bread, ask me again & I`ll nail your f**king beak to the f**king bar you irritating bastard bird!!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Sultan · 5th February 2007, 18:43

>An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...
>Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?
>Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
>Old Lady: Oh, I see.
>Officer: Can I see your license please?
>Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
>Officer: Don't have one?
>Old Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
>Officer: I see ... Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?
>Old Lady: I can't do that.
>Officer: Why not?
>Old Lady: I stole this car.
>Officer: Stole it?
>Old Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
>Officer: You what?
>Old Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
>to see.
>The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
>calls for back up.
>Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
>A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn
>gun.
>Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
>The woman steps out of her vehicle.
>Old Lady: Is there a problem sir?
>Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
>murdered the owner.
>Old Lady: Murdered the owner?
>Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
>The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
>Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
>Old Lady: Yes, here are the registration papers.
>The officer is quite stunned.
>Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
>llicense.
>The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands
>it to the officer.
>The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
>Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have
>a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up
>the owner.

>Old Lady: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

Freak · 6th February 2007, 00:36

Midfield · 9th February 2007, 11:07

I dont know that this are considered as a joke or not.

midfield presents

Garfield

Sultan · 13th February 2007, 13:37

Wife > This is the fifth time you are using the same condom.

Husband > The expiry date says 2009.

Red Rat Racer · 13th February 2007, 19:51

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sultan

>An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...
>Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?
>Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
>Old Lady: Oh, I see.
>Officer: Can I see your license please?
>Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
>Officer: Don't have one?
>Old Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
>Officer: I see ... Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?
>Old Lady: I can't do that.
>Officer: Why not?
>Old Lady: I stole this car.
>Officer: Stole it?
>Old Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
>Officer: You what?
>Old Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
>to see.
>The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
>calls for back up.
>Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
>A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn
>gun.
>Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
>The woman steps out of her vehicle.
>Old Lady: Is there a problem sir?
>Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
>murdered the owner.
>Old Lady: Murdered the owner?
>Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
>The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
>Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
>Old Lady: Yes, here are the registration papers.
>The officer is quite stunned.
>Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
>llicense.
>The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands
>it to the officer.
>The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
>Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have
>a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up
>the owner.

>Old Lady: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

Red Rat Racer · 13th February 2007, 20:01

A skinny white man goes into a lift, only to find a huge black man. "Before you ask....." says the black man...."....7ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick and my balls weigh 3 pounds each, Turner Brown". White guy faints, when he comes round he asks the black man to say that again. Black man repeats his stats and says "my name is Turner Brown". "Thank fuck for that" says the white man................"I thought you said TURN AROUND!"

Red Rat Racer · 14th February 2007, 15:33

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the
Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other
valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and
then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby4.3 and
Cricket 3.0. Which all come with a really annoying pop up called

Having a Beer Tonight? 7.0. This pop up also makes Skype ring all night long.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've
tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can
I do?

Signed,
Desperate

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try entering the command: C:
/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should
automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed,
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0
and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can
cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or
Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring
Loudly, shortly followed by Grumpy Hangover 4.1.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.1.

while Grumpy Hangover 4.1. is running. This is not a
supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
Memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I
personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2,
which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are
apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution
was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make
matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other
applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware
program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my
system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same
time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other
they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to
Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded
further to Wife 1.0.

While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come
bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2007. Shortly after this
upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and
costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife
1.0's Memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months
later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic
Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch
TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files,
and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly,
requiring Shoe Shop browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express
which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0
attaches itself to my Saab 900 Classic Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother in Law 1.1,
which can't be turned off, no matter how much i try.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2007, but there could be problems.

A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2007,

it tends to automatically delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Is this true?

Help requested please

Livvie · 15th February 2007, 16:57

Mick was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and he couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life, and give up the whiskey."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Mick looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Freak · 16th February 2007, 00:39

Quote:

Originally Posted by Livvie

Mick was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and he couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life, and give up the whiskey."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Mick looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

marcosdeto · 16th February 2007, 00:47

Quote:

Originally Posted by Livvie

Mick was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and he couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life, and give up the whiskey."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Mick looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

TheRedFlag · 16th February 2007, 00:49

Marcosdeto

kikks · 16th February 2007, 02:43

The new casino in Manchester will feature slotmachines, poker- and blackjack-tables. However, the crap games will still be played next door, at the City of Manchester stadium.

utdalltheway · 16th February 2007, 18:47

Quote:

Originally Posted by Red Rat Racer

Dear Tech Support:

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2007, but there could be problems.

A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2007,

it tends to automatically delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Is this true?

all old stuff but still very clever.

rednev · 22nd February 2007, 00:11

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheRedFlag

Marcosdeto

Livvie · 22nd February 2007, 08:39

Quote:

Originally Posted by kikks

The new casino in Manchester will feature slotmachines, poker- and blackjack-tables. However, the crap games will still be played next door, at the City of Manchester stadium.

relx · 22nd February 2007, 09:47

relx · 22nd February 2007, 18:02

There was this case in a hospital's intensive care ward where patients always died in the same bed and always on Friday mornings, regardless of their medical conditions.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had to do with the supernatural. So the doctors decided to go down to that particular ward to investigate the cause.

Come Friday morning, everyone at the hospital ward nervously waited for the terrible phenomenon to occur again. Some held wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil....

As the time approached, their hearts began beating anxiously, and with every beat of the clock, everyone held their breath........ ........ Then the part-time Friday cleaner came into the room and unplugged the life support system so that she could use the vacuum cleaner.

Dr. Dwayne · 22nd February 2007, 18:03

one for the ladies...

Q: What's the difference between men and government bonds?

A: The bonds mature.

Freak · 23rd February 2007, 00:56

Quote:

Originally Posted by relx

There was this case in a hospital's intensive care ward where patients always died in the same bed and always on Friday mornings, regardless of their medical conditions.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had to do with the supernatural. So the doctors decided to go down to that particular ward to investigate the cause.

Come Friday morning, everyone at the hospital ward nervously waited for the terrible phenomenon to occur again. Some held wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil....

As the time approached, their hearts began beating anxiously, and with every beat of the clock, everyone held their breath........ ........ Then the part-time Friday cleaner came into the room and unplugged the life support system so that she could use the vacuum cleaner.

relx · 23rd February 2007, 05:15

Well, one day, Tony found out he wasn't immortal, because he died and went straight to Hell.

He was met by his old friend, the Devil, who reminded him of his pact. Tony tried to argue, but the Devil had much better legal skills and unfortunately the Devil won eventually.

So the Devil made Tony a concession. "Well I have to put you through Eternal Torment, but since you're an old friend and someone after my own heart, I'll allow you your choice of punishment. Come see what your enemies are going through."

He took him to the first cell, where John was starving away, chained up, just inches away from a sumptuous banquet.

"That'll teach him for going on hunger strikes," grinned the Devil, but Tony declined this punishment.

The next cell had Robert strapped to a table with his mouth open while a wild goose above walked around, crapping.

"Serves him right, but not for me," said Tony.

The Devil opened the door to the last cell. Dennis was naked, chained to a post, while Catherine, in leathers was forced to perform fellatio on him.

"What kind of punishment is that?" ejaculated Tony, "But in any case, I'll take it!"

"Sure?" asked the Devil.

"Absolutely," replied Tony.

"OK, in you go," ordered the Devil, as a few henchmen started to strap Tony and bring him into the cell.

Looking into the cell, the Devil shouted, "Right, Catherine, w

28th January 2007, 18:37	#404 (permalink)
PaulScholes03 Youth Team Player Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Tampines Posts: 329	Sunday School Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

20th January 2007, 18:05	#401 (permalink)
MarliMan Banned Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: R.I.P Posts: 5,166	why did the chicken cross the road? TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!!! obviously you fecking twats why else would it, to shag the town hoar FFS

21st January 2007, 07:31	#402 (permalink)
reelworld Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: "I was never a great player" - Roy Keane, after being reminded that great players rarely make great managers. Posts: 4,985	Blackburn Rovers are the only club that has two cars in the team. A Bentley and a Nonda.

26th January 2007, 19:03	#403 (permalink)
rednev Reserve Team Player Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: North Wales Posts: 4,751	Here's a joke, the atmosphere at Old Trafford. It's absoloutly pathetic.

28th January 2007, 19:41	#405 (permalink)
PaulScholes03 Youth Team Player Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Tampines Posts: 329	A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might aswell go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

28th January 2007, 19:47	#406 (permalink)
PaulScholes03 Youth Team Player Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Tampines Posts: 329	One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!" The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from. The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree. The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties." ''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl. The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?" The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed." The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...'' Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''

1st February 2007, 15:10	#407 (permalink)
P.Head Youth Team Player Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 291	Doris & Harold lived in a nursing home & every afternoon Harold would go to Doris`s room & pop out his old man. Doris was happy to sit next to Harold & hold it in her hand while they chatted, before Harold would zip himself up, bid her good day & go back to his room. One afternoon Harold didn`t turn up. Doris presumed he had visitors or had simply forgotten, but when Harold failed to show the next day, & the next, Doris was feeling not a little put-out. A few days later Doris caught up with Harold in the communal lounge & decided to find out why he hadn`t been paying his visits. "Sorry Doris. I`ve been going over to Mavis`s room in the afternoons instead" explained Harold. "MAVIS?" Exclaimed Doris. "Whats MAVIS got that I haven`t then?" "Parkinsons" said Harold.

2nd February 2007, 10:39	#408 (permalink)
P.Head Youth Team Player Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 291	How do you get a nun pregnant? Fuck her ..

2nd February 2007, 10:50	#409 (permalink)
P.Head Youth Team Player Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 291	A duck walks into a bar & says to the barman: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we have no bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No! We haven`t got any sodding bread!" Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No .. Are you deaf!? We haven`t got any fking bread, ask me again & I`ll nail your fking beak to the f**king bar you irritating bastard bird!!" Duck says: "Got any nails?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?"

5th February 2007, 18:43	#410 (permalink)
Sultan Bearded and Wise Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Kindness is a mark of faith, and whoever is not kind has no faith. Posts: 15,055	>An old lady gets pulled over for speeding... >Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer? >Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. >Old Lady: Oh, I see. >Officer: Can I see your license please? >Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. >Officer: Don't have one? >Old Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. >Officer: I see ... Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please? >Old Lady: I can't do that. >Officer: Why not? >Old Lady: I stole this car. >Officer: Stole it? >Old Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. >Officer: You what? >Old Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want >to see. >The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and >calls for back up. >Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. >A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn >gun. >Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! >The woman steps out of her vehicle. >Old Lady: Is there a problem sir? >Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and >murdered the owner. >Old Lady: Murdered the owner? >Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. >The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. >Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? >Old Lady: Yes, here are the registration papers. >The officer is quite stunned. >Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving >llicense. >The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands >it to the officer. >The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. >Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have >a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up >the owner. >Old Lady: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

6th February 2007, 00:36	#411 (permalink)
Freak Born a freak always a freak. Join Date: May 2004 Location: C.Ronaldo > England! Posts: 7,841

16th February 2007, 00:49	#420 (permalink)
TheRedFlag Not feeling himself tonight Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: E335 Row 31 Posts: 10,267	Marcosdeto

9th February 2007, 11:07	#412 (permalink)
Midfield Red Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: The Upstairs Posts: 2,563	I dont know that this are considered as a joke or not. midfield presents Garfield

13th February 2007, 13:37	#413 (permalink)
Sultan Bearded and Wise Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Kindness is a mark of faith, and whoever is not kind has no faith. Posts: 15,055	Wife > This is the fifth time you are using the same condom. Husband > The expiry date says 2009.

13th February 2007, 20:01	#415 (permalink)
Red Rat Racer Reserve Team Player Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: On the O'Neil (no wise cracks, it is a spaceship)....on my way to fight the hypocritical replicators Posts: 966	A skinny white man goes into a lift, only to find a huge black man. "Before you ask....." says the black man...."....7ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick and my balls weigh 3 pounds each, Turner Brown". White guy faints, when he comes round he asks the black man to say that again. Black man repeats his stats and says "my name is Turner Brown". "Thank fuck for that" says the white man................"I thought you said TURN AROUND!"

14th February 2007, 15:33	#416 (permalink)
Red Rat Racer Reserve Team Player Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: On the O'Neil (no wise cracks, it is a spaceship)....on my way to fight the hypocritical replicators Posts: 966	Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby4.3 and Cricket 3.0. Which all come with a really annoying pop up called Having a Beer Tonight? 7.0. This pop up also makes Skype ring all night long. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate Dear Desperate: First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try entering the command: C: /I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly, shortly followed by Grumpy Hangover 4.1. CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.1. while Grumpy Hangover 4.1. is running. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited Memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7. Good Luck, Tech Support Dear Technical Support, 18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2007. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's Memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 900 Classic Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother in Law 1.1, which can't be turned off, no matter how much i try. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2007, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2007, it tends to automatically delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself. Is this true? Help requested please

15th February 2007, 16:57	#417 (permalink)
Livvie Executive Manager being kept sane only by her madness Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Someone said that half of Caf members were thick. It's not true. Half of you aren't thick at all. Posts: 27,491	Mick was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and he couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life, and give up the whiskey." Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Mick looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

16th February 2007, 02:43	#421 (permalink)
kikks Reserve Team Player Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I do not know the answer. Posts: 1,114	The new casino in Manchester will feature slotmachines, poker- and blackjack-tables. However, the crap games will still be played next door, at the City of Manchester stadium.

22nd February 2007, 09:47	#425 (permalink)
relx Frnkie Sys Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 2,768

22nd February 2007, 18:02	#426 (permalink)
relx Frnkie Sys Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 2,768	There was this case in a hospital's intensive care ward where patients always died in the same bed and always on Friday mornings, regardless of their medical conditions. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had to do with the supernatural. So the doctors decided to go down to that particular ward to investigate the cause. Come Friday morning, everyone at the hospital ward nervously waited for the terrible phenomenon to occur again. Some held wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil.... As the time approached, their hearts began beating anxiously, and with every beat of the clock, everyone held their breath........ ........ Then the part-time Friday cleaner came into the room and unplugged the life support system so that she could use the vacuum cleaner.

22nd February 2007, 18:03	#427 (permalink)
Dr. Dwayne self confessed womens pantie wearer Join Date: May 2006 Location: form is emptiness, emptiness is form. Posts: 9,767	one for the ladies... Q: What's the difference between men and government bonds? A: The bonds mature.