Jokes

EspadaYdaga

solidrake

The Ferrari F1 Team fired their entire pit-crew yesterday.
The announcement was followed by Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the English Government's "Work For the Dole" scheme and hire unemployed youths from Liverpool.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths in Liverpool were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds.

This was thought to be an excellent yet bold move by Ferrari Management, as most races are won & lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.

However Ferrari expectations were easily exceeded, as during the Crews first practice session; not only were "da boyz from Bootle" able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had resprayed, rebadged, and had sold the vehicle over to the McLaren Team for four dozen Stella's and a gram of Charlie!!

relx

A pregnant woman was walking down the road, past a bank, when a bank robber burst out. Terrified, he shot the woman three times in the stomach. As she was recovering in hospital, she gave birth to three boys.

10 years later, one of the boys ran up to his mum and said "Mummy mummy! I just pissed out a bullet." "Oh" she said

5 minutes later, another of her boys came up to her and said "Mummy mummy! I just pissed out a bullet!" "Oh" she said, getting slightly worried.

Another 5 minutes later, the other boy came up and said "Mummy mummy!" She interrupted and said, "Let me guess, you just pissed out a bullet." "No, I was having a wank and I shot the cat!"

marcosdeto

Red Rat Racer

Livvie

A Quick Course in Management

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel
and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the
next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,"

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies..

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.



Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
and the love of my life."

Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.



Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw
the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure , why not.."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.



Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after
eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a
fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..


Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there,
a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all
warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following
the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.



(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.



(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!



THIS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

relx

Class.

Joe W

ciderman9000000

Q. What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?

A. Not being a retard.

Livvie

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman"

"Is that you young Liam Murphy?" asked the priest.

"It is Father."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't tell you Father, I promised."

"Well Liam, I'm sure to find out, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Maguire?"

"I'm sorry Father, but I can't tell you?"

"Bridie Callaghan?"

Silence.

"Was it Kathleen Power?"

Still silence.

"Would it be Noreen Duffy?"

"Father," said Liam. "My lips are sealed."

The priest sighed.

"Well you are very tight lipped and I admire that - but you must do penance. You cannot be an altar boy now for four months. Now go and behave yourself."

Outside the church, Liam meets his friend, Michael.

"What did you get?" asks Michael.

Liam grinned.

"Four months holiday, and some good leads."

****************

Mick and Pat went fishing one day, when Pat pulled out a cigar. He asked Mick for a light.

Reaching into his bag, Mick pulled out a Bic lighter, 10" long.

"Jesus Mary and Joseph," exclaimed Pat, "Where did you get that monster?"

"From a genie," said Mick.

"You've got a genie in your bag?" asked Pat.

"Sure," said Mick, and he produced the genie.

"Hey there," said Pat. "I'm a good friend of your man here. Will you give me one wish?"

The genie said he would, and Pat asked for a million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying overhead.

Over the roar of a million quacks, Pat yelled to Mick, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

Says Mick, "I forgot to tell you that the genie is a bit deaf. Do you really think I asked for a 10" Bic?"

relx

ManUinOz

A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens." In a normal tone he asks, ”Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"


"Trevor, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!"

Livvie

Paddy was in New York.

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted "OK, pedestrians." Then he allowed the traffic to flow again.

He did this several times, and Paddy was still waiting, getting more and more frustrated.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy shouted out to him, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across."

***********

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die, you don't want to go to heaven??"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Youngie

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, and the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't
Marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her
life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
£4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and
£2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What
Do you suggest?"

At this point, the girl's father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You shag her again."

Rudie

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

BUREAUCRATISE: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows because you're sobering up and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINA CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers.

WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

ffurby

This may have been posted before, but here goes:

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then...." He sighed


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"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box.."

theimperialinn

what does a mexican put under his carpet

underlay underlay

ill get my coat

ILBB15

ILBB15

A guy tells his friend:
I read in the newspaper that the population of a small town dies every year because of smoking.
His friend answers:
That´s why I live in New York, dumbhead.

rednev

What do you call the useless flesh around the vagina? The woman

What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Smack her!

Wanna here a funny joke? Women's rights.

ILBB15

relx

Freak