Jokes

Hectic · 27th April 2007, 02:11

Quote:

Originally Posted by ExcuseMeFrench

what did dr. dre say when 50 cent gave him a sweater?

gee, you knit?

Veron · 27th April 2007, 11:09

Why do Nasa send their astronaughts to train at the Riverside, it's the only place in earth with no atmosphere.

relx · 27th April 2007, 15:39

Quote:

Originally Posted by ExcuseMeFrench

what did dr. dre say when 50 cent gave him a sweater?

gee, you knit?

Kiwi_fan · 28th April 2007, 06:46

What do you call this ?

[IMG]

[/IMG]

A wrecked-angle.

zing · 30th April 2007, 09:20

So one atom says to another atom, "Hey, I've lost an electron." The other atom says "Are you sure?". The original atom says "Yeah, I'm positive."

---------------

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. When he asks the bartender how much is, the bartender says, "For you, no charge!"

-----------

Heisenberg is driving along and is pulled over by a cop. The cop asks him, "Do you know how fast you were going?" and he replies, "No, but I knew exactly where I am!"

zing · 30th April 2007, 09:36

Rene Descartes walks into a bar and orders a drink. After he completes it, the bartender asks, "Would you like another?" and he replies, "I think not." and POOF he disappears.

101 · 30th April 2007, 20:05

I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they got closer. Then it hit me.

goldenballs · 30th April 2007, 23:09

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all walk in to a bar, and the barman says
"is this some kind of joke?"

Vinay · 1st May 2007, 07:25

Quote:

Originally Posted by zing

So one atom says to another atom, "Hey, I've lost an electron." The other atom says "Are you sure?". The original atom says "Yeah, I'm positive."

---------------

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. When he asks the bartender how much is, the bartender says, "For you, no charge!"

-----------

Heisenberg is driving along and is pulled over by a cop. The cop asks him, "Do you know how fast you were going?" and he replies, "No, but I knew exactly where I am!"

Good ones, man!

Vinay · 1st May 2007, 07:44

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all?

Suspicion of anything foreign.

Oh and...... Only in Britain ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain ... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain .. are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION...

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations
were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of
the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new sweater with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to Accident & Emergency in the last two
years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of Control Scalextric cars.

and finally.........

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

A few of these apply to Americans as well - is it a language thing?

101 · 1st May 2007, 21:02

^lmfao

Livvie · 5th May 2007, 11:38

A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She
browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to
inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently
breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if
anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person
doesn't popup right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a
salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying
complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day,
Madam. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been
there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the
price of this lovely bracelet?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just
looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price

Stanley Road · 8th May 2007, 09:44

Subject: Nun Golfer

A nun walks into her Mother Superior's office and plops into a chair, letting out a heavy sigh of frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spend with your family." "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!" "Well, we were on the fifth tee -- and this hole is a monster, Mother, 540 yards, par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green -- and I hit the drive of my life. I mean I creamed it -- the sweetest swing I ever made -- and it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted. Then it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!" "Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother. "But I didn't, Mother Superior!" rejoined the Sister. "I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel, who was still clutching the ball in its paws, and flies off!" "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing nod. "No, no, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel began struggling, and the hawk dropped it right there on the green. The ball popped out of its paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!" Solemnly, Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed a baleful stare on the Sister and said coldly... "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you!"

sailor66 · 9th May 2007, 12:22

A dwarf goes to the doctors and says "i'm not Happy"

the doctor says "well which one are you then?"

Feedingseagulls · 9th May 2007, 22:58

Leeds.

Gobo · 11th May 2007, 00:14

knock knock

whos there?

Dong Fangz

Cambo · 11th May 2007, 02:20

Dong Fangz who?

Gobo · 11th May 2007, 12:17

Quote:

Originally Posted by camerony

Dong Fangz who?

no Dong Fangzhuo

jatin · 11th May 2007, 17:19

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vinay

Only in Britain ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain ... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain .. are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

Those apply to Americans as well

rednev · 12th May 2007, 02:23

I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the till, she had one apple , one pear, one toothbrush, one ready meal and one tin of soup.

I leaned over and said your single arent you?

She said yeah how can you tell?

I said "cos your ugly as fuck!!

Remy · 12th May 2007, 04:59

Two Jamaican women with their babies on a bus, one says to the other "your baby teething yet"!

The other says "yes, him already got me 2 DVD's 4 mobiles and a Laptop".

malcolm31337 · 15th May 2007, 00:31

Quote:

Originally Posted by rednev

I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the till, she had one apple , one pear, one toothbrush, one ready meal and one tin of soup.

I leaned over and said your single arent you?

She said yeah how can you tell?

I said "cos your ugly as fuck!!

Gobo · 15th May 2007, 23:24

Why did the scarecrow get a nobel prize?

He was outstanding in his field.

zing · 16th May 2007, 17:48

When did Anakin Skywalker become evil?

In Sith grade.

utdalltheway · 18th May 2007, 13:30

An Irish school teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".

Roland the teacher's pet gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

Well done, Roland," says the teacher.

Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

Well done, Katie," says the teacher. Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

zing · 18th May 2007, 18:44

Quote:

Originally Posted by utdalltheway

An Irish school teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".

Roland the teacher's pet gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

Well done, Roland," says the teacher.

Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

Well done, Katie," says the teacher. Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

DanNistelrooy · 18th May 2007, 21:20

Quote:

Originally Posted by utdalltheway

An Irish school teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".

Roland the teacher's pet gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

Well done, Roland," says the teacher.

Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

Well done, Katie," says the teacher. Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

marcosdeto · 18th May 2007, 21:46

Quote:

Originally Posted by Livvie

A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She
browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to
inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently
breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if
anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person
doesn't popup right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a
salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying
complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day,
Madam. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been
there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the
price of this lovely bracelet?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just
looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price

marcosdeto · 18th May 2007, 21:48

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stanley Road

Subject: Nun Golfer

A nun walks into her Mother Superior's office and plops into a chair, letting out a heavy sigh of frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spend with your family." "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!" "Well, we were on the fifth tee -- and this hole is a monster, Mother, 540 yards, par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green -- and I hit the drive of my life. I mean I creamed it -- the sweetest swing I ever made -- and it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted. Then it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!" "Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother. "But I didn't, Mother Superior!" rejoined the Sister. "I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel, who was still clutching the ball in its paws, and flies off!" "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing nod. "No, no, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel began struggling, and the hawk dropped it right there on the green. The ball popped out of its paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!" Solemnly, Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed a baleful stare on the Sister and said coldly... "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you!"

28th April 2007, 06:46	#484 (permalink)
Kiwi_fan I'm a little pisspot Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Ian Wishart's prodigy Posts: 3,551	What do you call this ? [IMG][/IMG] A wrecked-angle.

27th April 2007, 11:09	#482 (permalink)
Veron Varun Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 2,934	Why do Nasa send their astronaughts to train at the Riverside, it's the only place in earth with no atmosphere.

30th April 2007, 09:20	#485 (permalink)
zing Zingle balls Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Chennai Posts: 3,563	So one atom says to another atom, "Hey, I've lost an electron." The other atom says "Are you sure?". The original atom says "Yeah, I'm positive." --------------- A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. When he asks the bartender how much is, the bartender says, "For you, no charge!" ----------- Heisenberg is driving along and is pulled over by a cop. The cop asks him, "Do you know how fast you were going?" and he replies, "No, but I knew exactly where I am!"

30th April 2007, 09:36	#486 (permalink)
zing Zingle balls Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Chennai Posts: 3,563	Rene Descartes walks into a bar and orders a drink. After he completes it, the bartender asks, "Would you like another?" and he replies, "I think not." and POOF he disappears.

30th April 2007, 20:05	#487 (permalink)
101 Reserve Team Player Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Somewhere between a rock and a hard place. Posts: 2,410	I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they got closer. Then it hit me.

30th April 2007, 23:09	#488 (permalink)
goldenballs Victoria's secret Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Super North Wales Posts: 6,322	An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all walk in to a bar, and the barman says "is this some kind of joke?"

1st May 2007, 07:44	#490 (permalink)
Vinay Muppet in Training Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: On a Rose-Hill Posts: 4,188	Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign. Oh and...... Only in Britain ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Britain ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in Britain ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke. Only in Britain ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters. Only in Britain ... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage. Only in Britain ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. Only in Britain .. are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink. NOT TO MENTION... 3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue. 142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts. 58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers. 31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in. 19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate. British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents. 101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet. 18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new sweater with a lit cigarette in their mouth. A massive 543 Brits were admitted to Accident & Emergency in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth. 5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of Control Scalextric cars. and finally......... In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet. A few of these apply to Americans as well - is it a language thing?

1st May 2007, 21:02	#491 (permalink)
101 Reserve Team Player Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Somewhere between a rock and a hard place. Posts: 2,410	^lmfao

5th May 2007, 11:38	#492 (permalink)
Livvie Executive Manager being kept sane only by her madness Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Someone said that half of Caf members were thick. It's not true. Half of you aren't thick at all. Posts: 27,491	A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't popup right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price

8th May 2007, 09:44	#493 (permalink)
Stanley Road I.C.F. Member Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Viva Ronaldo Posts: 22,459	Subject: Nun Golfer A nun walks into her Mother Superior's office and plops into a chair, letting out a heavy sigh of frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spend with your family." "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!" "Well, we were on the fifth tee -- and this hole is a monster, Mother, 540 yards, par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green -- and I hit the drive of my life. I mean I creamed it -- the sweetest swing I ever made -- and it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted. Then it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!" "Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother. "But I didn't, Mother Superior!" rejoined the Sister. "I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel, who was still clutching the ball in its paws, and flies off!" "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing nod. "No, no, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel began struggling, and the hawk dropped it right there on the green. The ball popped out of its paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!" Solemnly, Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed a baleful stare on the Sister and said coldly... "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you!"

9th May 2007, 12:22	#494 (permalink)
sailor66 Youth Team Player Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: On route to Moscow, via wigan away. Posts: 359	A dwarf goes to the doctors and says "i'm not Happy" the doctor says "well which one are you then?"

9th May 2007, 22:58	#495 (permalink)
Feedingseagulls Still looking for the seriousness of a child at play Join Date: May 2004 Location: Beyond Good & Evil Posts: 7,528	Leeds.

11th May 2007, 00:14	#496 (permalink)
Gobo Reserve Team Player Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: home of J.O.S. Posts: 592	knock knock whos there? Dong Fangz

11th May 2007, 02:20	#497 (permalink)
Cambo camerony Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Australia Posts: 483	Dong Fangz who?

12th May 2007, 02:23	#500 (permalink)
rednev Reserve Team Player Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: North Wales Posts: 4,751	I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the till, she had one apple , one pear, one toothbrush, one ready meal and one tin of soup. I leaned over and said your single arent you? She said yeah how can you tell? I said "cos your ugly as fuck!!

12th May 2007, 04:59	#501 (permalink)
Remy Banned Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Round the back obviously.... Posts: 2,439	Two Jamaican women with their babies on a bus, one says to the other "your baby teething yet"! The other says "yes, him already got me 2 DVD's 4 mobiles and a Laptop".

15th May 2007, 23:24	#503 (permalink)
Gobo Reserve Team Player Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: home of J.O.S. Posts: 592	Why did the scarecrow get a nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field.

16th May 2007, 17:48	#504 (permalink)
zing Zingle balls Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Chennai Posts: 3,563	When did Anakin Skywalker become evil? In Sith grade.

18th May 2007, 13:30	#505 (permalink)
utdalltheway First Team Sub Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: USA (orig. Cobh) Posts: 5,985	An Irish school teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland the teacher's pet gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." Well done, Roland," says the teacher. Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." Well done, Katie," says the teacher. Anyone else?" Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."