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26th May 2007, 08:40
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#522 (permalink) |
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Executive Manager being kept sane only by her madness
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: Someone said that half of Caf members were thick. It's not true. Half of you aren't thick at all.
Posts: 27,477
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God was looking at all the parts he needed to create man and his mate. Although it was man who was going to appear to the world first, he had actually already lovingly created all the parts for a woman. Deciding it was time to start on man, he sat thinking about how to make him. Short of ideas he looked at his prototype model, the woman.
"Hmmm," he thought. "Does she really need three breasts?" He decided not, and so he took the useless tit, and man was created. Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away.............. "We're down here ..." |
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30th May 2007, 08:13
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#523 (permalink) |
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'Self pitying Yank Scouse'
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Stroh wird Gold, und Gold wird Stein
Posts: 286
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FIRST YORKSHIREMAN:
In them days we was glad to have the price of a cup o' tea. SECOND YORKSHIREMAN: A cup o' cold tea. FOURTH YORKSHIREMAN: Without milk or sugar. THIRD YORKSHIREMAN: Or tea. FIRST YORKSHIREMAN: In a cracked cup, an' all. FOURTH YORKSHIREMAN: Oh, we never had a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled up newspaper. SECOND YORKSHIREMAN: The best we could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth. THIRD YORKSHIREMAN: But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were poor. FIRST YORKSHIREMAN: Because we were poor. My old Dad used to say to me, "Money doesn't buy you happiness, son". FOURTH YORKSHIREMAN: Aye, 'e was right. FIRST YORKSHIREMAN: Aye, 'e was. FOURTH YORKSHIREMAN: I was happier then and I had nothin'. We used to live in this tiny old house with great big holes in the roof. SECOND YORKSHIREMAN: House! You were lucky to live in a house! We used to live in one room, all twenty-six of us, no furniture, 'alf the floor was missing, and we were all 'uddled together in one corner for fear of falling. THIRD YORKSHIREMAN: Eh, you were lucky to have a room! We used to have to live in t' corridor! FIRST YORKSHIREMAN: Oh, we used to dream of livin' in a corridor! Would ha' been a palace to us. We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. We got woke up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us! House? Huh. FOURTH YORKSHIREMAN: Well, when I say 'house' it was only a hole in the ground covered by a sheet of tarpaulin, but it was a house to us. SECOND YORKSHIREMAN: We were evicted from our 'ole in the ground; we 'ad to go and live in a lake. THIRD YORKSHIREMAN: You were lucky to have a lake! There were a hundred and fifty of us living in t' shoebox in t' middle o' road. FIRST YORKSHIREMAN: Cardboard box? THIRD YORKSHIREMAN: Aye. FIRST YORKSHIREMAN: You were lucky. We lived for three months in a paper bag in a septic tank. We used to have to get up at six in the morning, clean the paper bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down t' mill, fourteen hours a day, week-in week-out, for sixpence a week, and when we got home our Dad would thrash us to sleep wi' his belt. SECOND YORKSHIREMAN: Luxury. We used to have to get out of the lake at six o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of 'ot gravel, work twenty hour day at mill for tuppence a month, come home, and Dad would thrash us to sleep with a broken bottle, if we were lucky! THIRD YORKSHIREMAN: Well, of course, we had it tough. We used to 'ave to get up out of shoebox at twelve o'clock at night and lick road clean wit' tongue. We had two bits of cold gravel, worked twenty-four hours a day at mill for sixpence every four years, and when we got home our Dad would slice us in two wit' bread knife. FOURTH YORKSHIREMAN: Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad and our mother would kill us and dance about on our graves singing Hallelujah. FIRST YORKSHIREMAN: And you try and tell the young people of today that ..... they won't believe you. ALL: They won't! |
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31st May 2007, 10:52
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#536 (permalink) |
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MUM knows best
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: So bow down before them,and lift up your eyes....For Old Trafford's Glory will ALWAYS survive..
Posts: 16,751
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Thursday morning joke.
There were 3 Balloons,Mummy Balloon,Daddy Balloon and Baby Balloon.
Daddy Balloon thought it was time that Baby Balloon started sleeping in his own bed as it was getting a little cramped . So ,one day he said to Baby Balloon "You must sleep in your own bedroom from tonight". Baby Balloon agreed and so that night Mummy and Daddy Balloon tucked him in his new bed and wished him goodnight. In the early hours,Baby Balloon woke up and immediately felt lonely. He got out of bed and went to his parents' room and tried to get in the middle of them. When he found there wasn't enough room,he proceeded to let a little air out of Mummy Balloon. He tried to get inbetween again then but there wasn't enough room so he let a little air out of Daddy Balloon. There was still not enough room. He then let a little air out of himself and just managed to squeeze inbetween his parents and went off to sleep. In the morning Daddy Balloon woke up. He looked down at baby Balloon lying snugly in the middle of the bed and scowled. Angrily ,He woke Baby Balloon up and said " I thought you were going to sleep in your own bed from now on? Not only have you let Me and your Mother down,but you've also let yourself down,too..."   |
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31st May 2007, 10:56
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#540 (permalink) | |
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Banned
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,037
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Quote:
Definitely finding it hard to take that United are such a fantastic team, being Champions of England an' all. pool not winning a single trophy has really hit you hard, hasn't it, you big gimp. |
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31st May 2007, 10:58
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#542 (permalink) | |
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Struggling to make the reserves
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Yeah?
Posts: 11,207
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Quote:
Sorry, who are you? |
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31st May 2007, 10:59
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#543 (permalink) | |
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MUM knows best
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: So bow down before them,and lift up your eyes....For Old Trafford's Glory will ALWAYS survive..
Posts: 16,751
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Quote:
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31st May 2007, 11:05
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#545 (permalink) | |
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Pooper Trooper
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 11,283
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Quote:
yer right |
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31st May 2007, 11:12
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#548 (permalink) | |
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Struggling to make the reserves
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Yeah?
Posts: 11,207
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Quote:
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