Jokes

Desert Eagle · 20th July 2007, 04:36

McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering...
It has to be a McChicken Burger, NOT just a Chicken Burger you get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you Mcf*cking McTosser.

Desert Eagle · 20th July 2007, 06:59

Utah Laws

Alcohol may not be sold during an emergency.

Individuals may not possess beer in containers larger than two liters unless they are a retailer.

It is illegal to cause a catastrophe.

It is against the law to fish from horseback.

It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon. You can have them, but you just can't detonate them.

Birds have the right of way on all highways.

It is a felony to persistently tread on the cracks between paving stones on the sidewalk of a state highway.

It's legal for restaurants to serve wine with meals, but only if you ask for the wine list.

It is considered an offense to hunt whales.

No one may have sex in the back of an ambulance if it is responding to an emergency call.

Uzi · 25th July 2007, 23:38

Quote:

Originally Posted by CounterStrike

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer.....

...and a mop

sorry, that's just plain... pathetic...

nabyllon · 26th July 2007, 18:49

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desert Eagle

Utah Laws

Alcohol may not be sold during an emergency.

Individuals may not possess beer in containers larger than two liters unless they are a retailer.

It is illegal to cause a catastrophe.

It is against the law to fish from horseback.

It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon. You can have them, but you just can't detonate them.

Birds have the right of way on all highways.

It is a felony to persistently tread on the cracks between paving stones on the sidewalk of a state highway.

It's legal for restaurants to serve wine with meals, but only if you ask for the wine list.

It is considered an offense to hunt whales.

No one may have sex in the back of an ambulance if it is responding to an emergency call.

nabyllon · 26th July 2007, 18:57

i got one, my friend told me this one ages ago so i can't exactly remember it word for word but here goes.

Superman was passing by wonder woman's room when he heard moaning from inside. He "looked" inside the room and saw that she was fondling herself. He thought to himself, "I could go in, fuck her real fast and she won't even know what happened". So he did just that. He went in, fucked her real fast and left the room. After that, wonder woman exclaimed, "What was that?". Invisible man replied, "I don't know but my ass hurts."

zing · 26th July 2007, 22:49

Man goes to the doc and says" I have a problem. After I masturbate I start to sing 'You,'ll never walk alone'."
The Doc says "don't worry, lots of wankers sing that."

manutd2k7 · 26th July 2007, 22:50

Quote:

Originally Posted by zing

Man goes to the doc and says" I have a problem. After I masturbate I start to sing 'You,'ll never walk alone'."
The Doc says "don't worry, lots of wankers sing that."

utdalltheway · 26th July 2007, 22:53

Quote:

Originally Posted by zing

Man goes to the doc and says" I have a problem. After I masturbate I start to sing 'You,'ll never walk alone'."
The Doc says "don't worry, lots of wankers sing that."

rian_xjml · 27th July 2007, 14:18

Quote:

Originally Posted by zing

Man goes to the doc and says" I have a problem. After I masturbate I start to sing 'You,'ll never walk alone'."
The Doc says "don't worry, lots of wankers sing that."

RedSoul · 31st July 2007, 21:59

suicide bombers, what makes 'em tick?

RedSoul · 31st July 2007, 22:10

for a laugh my mates hid my asthma inhaler, what a wheeze!

Livvie · 4th August 2007, 13:28

Colonoscopies are no joke , but a physician claimed that the following
are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male)
while he was performing their colonoscopy:

1. Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. Find Amelia Earhart yet?

3. Can you hear me NOW?

4. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

5. You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married. ;

6. Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?

7. You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...

8. Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!

9. If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.

11. Did you used to be an executive at Enron?

12. God, now I know why I am not gay.

And the best one of all...

13. Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

SmashedHombre · 8th August 2007, 12:22

Whats the definition of endless love? Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.

Buddum dum chhh.

utdalltheway · 8th August 2007, 14:24

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The
usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has
been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their
names she always says, 'Just some friends from work, you don't know them.'

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually
fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I
think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she
went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I
could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night
out with 'the girls'. When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her
blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and
slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I
noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline
crack right by the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop
where I bought it?

Signed,

Perplexed

Freak · 8th August 2007, 14:27

101 · 8th August 2007, 15:45

rian_xjml · 8th August 2007, 23:49

@ endless love

Freak · 21st August 2007, 07:02

The difference between a wife's and husband's diaries.

Wife's Diary:

I feel horrible for suspecting him, but I don't have a choice. He has been quiet since the start of the new week. He hasn't spoken to me in his usual self. He gives 1 word answers and doesn't seem to want to hold a conversation with me anymore. Coming back from work, he just sits at the sofa all night, staring into space. I feel he's hiding something from me. I have no idea what I should do. He has even refused making love. I think he might be seeing another women. How can this ever happen to us? We had so much love for each other. We were even planning to have kids very soon. And now it seems he's lost all his love for me. I am going to kill that other bitch if I ever find out who she was!

Husband's diary:

Manutd lost at the weekend. Fuck!

vanthaman · 22nd August 2007, 17:29

A man walks up to a bird in a club and says "Hi, the name's Bond"

she replies with "Let me guess, Bond, James Bond?"

and he says "No, Unibond, i'm here to fill your gap"

zing · 23rd August 2007, 20:46

Why did Chris Benoit skip the last WWE pay-per-view?
He wanted to stay home and hang around his family.

lem8sh · 23rd August 2007, 22:19

Quote:

Originally Posted by zing

Why did Chris Benoit skip the last WWE pay-per-view?
He wanted to stay home and hang around his family.

Rahul · 23rd August 2007, 22:28

Quote:

Originally Posted by zing

Why did Chris Benoit skip the last WWE pay-per-view?
He wanted to stay home and hang around his family.

not funny

Dr. Dwayne · 24th August 2007, 16:56

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only shorts made from
clingwrap (saran wrap, glad wrap whatever y'all call it where you are).

The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

rednev · 30th August 2007, 01:38

Quote:

Originally Posted by nabyllon

i got one, my friend told me this one ages ago so i can't exactly remember it word for word but here goes.

Superman was passing by wonder woman's room when he heard moaning from inside. He "looked" inside the room and saw that she was fondling herself. He thought to himself, "I could go in, fuck her real fast and she won't even know what happened". So he did just that. He went in, fucked her real fast and left the room. After that, wonder woman exclaimed, "What was that?". Invisible man replied, "I don't know but my ass hurts."

Count Duckula · 30th August 2007, 02:15

A man sits at a bar at the top of a revolving tower, you know the type. Windows all round the outside.

Anyways, he's sat at this bar, drinking shots of tequila. Another man sits next to him and orders a beer. They drink in silence for a while. Eventually, the first man turns to the second.

"You know, tequila is magic," he says. "It can make you fly."

"Bollocks," the second man replies.

"Nope. Watch," retorts the first.

With that, he walks to the side of the restaurant, opens the maintainance door and jumps into the air. He clearly flies all the way around the tower before coming back in through the door and landing. He walks back the bar.

"Fuck me!" exclaims the second man. "Do that again!"

"Ok," says the first man. "But first I need the magic drink."

He quickly downs another shot of tequila, walks over to the door again, jumps out, flies a lap, re-enters and comes back to the bar.

"See," the first man says. "It's a magic drink."

"I'm going to try," grins the second man. "I want to fly! Bartender, give me a shot of tequila!"

The bartender obliges, and pours the shot. The second man knocks it back, grins excitedly at the first man and runs at the door. He jumps out, whooping with delight, and promptly falls to his death.

As people rush to the windows to look in horror at the gory mess he left on the pavement, the bartender turns to the first man.

"You know, you're a real asshole when you're drunk, Superman."

Livvie · 30th August 2007, 19:25

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks over at the other's penis and notices a Nicoderm patch on it.

He says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm."

"It works fine like this," says the other. "I'm down to two butts a day."

marcosdeto · 30th August 2007, 19:28

Quote:

Originally Posted by zing

Man goes to the doc and says" I have a problem. After I masturbate I start to sing 'You,'ll never walk alone'."
The Doc says "don't worry, lots of wankers sing that."

Livvie · 30th August 2007, 19:34

Done before I think, but can't be arsed to look.

CHINESE PROVERBS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tyred.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

*Clare* · 30th August 2007, 22:33

What have a priest and a christmas tree got in common?

Their balls are just for decoration.

Rahul · 3rd September 2007, 19:44

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".

Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.

8th August 2007, 14:24	#614 (permalink)
utdalltheway First Team Sub Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: USA (orig. Cobh) Posts: 6,214	Dear Abby Dear Abby, I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, 'Just some friends from work, you don't know them.' I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls'. When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it? Signed, Perplexed

20th July 2007, 04:36	#601 (permalink)
Desert Eagle Punjabi Dude Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 6,127	McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering... It has to be a McChicken Burger, NOT just a Chicken Burger you get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you Mcf*cking McTosser.

20th July 2007, 06:59	#602 (permalink)
Desert Eagle Punjabi Dude Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 6,127	Utah Laws Alcohol may not be sold during an emergency. Individuals may not possess beer in containers larger than two liters unless they are a retailer. It is illegal to cause a catastrophe. It is against the law to fish from horseback. It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon. You can have them, but you just can't detonate them. Birds have the right of way on all highways. It is a felony to persistently tread on the cracks between paving stones on the sidewalk of a state highway. It's legal for restaurants to serve wine with meals, but only if you ask for the wine list. It is considered an offense to hunt whales. No one may have sex in the back of an ambulance if it is responding to an emergency call.

26th July 2007, 18:57	#605 (permalink)
nabyllon Reserve Team Player Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: my treehouse Posts: 896	i got one, my friend told me this one ages ago so i can't exactly remember it word for word but here goes. Superman was passing by wonder woman's room when he heard moaning from inside. He "looked" inside the room and saw that she was fondling herself. He thought to himself, "I could go in, fuck her real fast and she won't even know what happened". So he did just that. He went in, fucked her real fast and left the room. After that, wonder woman exclaimed, "What was that?". Invisible man replied, "I don't know but my ass hurts."

26th July 2007, 22:49	#606 (permalink)
zing Zingle balls Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Chennai Posts: 3,670	Man goes to the doc and says" I have a problem. After I masturbate I start to sing 'You,'ll never walk alone'." The Doc says "don't worry, lots of wankers sing that."

31st July 2007, 21:59	#610 (permalink)
RedSoul Youth Team Player Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 253	suicide bombers, what makes 'em tick?

31st July 2007, 22:10	#611 (permalink)
RedSoul Youth Team Player Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 253	for a laugh my mates hid my asthma inhaler, what a wheeze!

4th August 2007, 13:28	#612 (permalink)
Livvie Executive Manager being kept sane only by her madness Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Someone said that half of Caf members were thick. It's not true. Half of you aren't thick at all. Posts: 27,668	Colonoscopies are no joke , but a physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopy: 1. Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before! 2. Find Amelia Earhart yet? 3. Can you hear me NOW? 4. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? 5. You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married. ; 6. Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief? 7. You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out... 8. Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels! 9. If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit! 10. Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity. 11. Did you used to be an executive at Enron? 12. God, now I know why I am not gay. And the best one of all... 13. Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

8th August 2007, 12:22	#613 (permalink)
SmashedHombre Has a date with the Grim Reaper - lol Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Slightly more handsome, intelligent and talented than Rams. Far more likely to shag sheep than most rams too. Posts: 18,208	Whats the definition of endless love? Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis. Buddum dum chhh.

8th August 2007, 14:27	#615 (permalink)
Freak Born a freak always a freak. Join Date: May 2004 Location: C.Ronaldo > England! Posts: 7,923

8th August 2007, 15:45	#616 (permalink)
101 Reserve Team Player Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Somewhere between a rock and a hard place. Posts: 2,864

8th August 2007, 23:49	#617 (permalink)
rian_xjml Reserve Team Player Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Melbourne Posts: 1,180	@ endless love

21st August 2007, 07:02	#618 (permalink)
Freak Born a freak always a freak. Join Date: May 2004 Location: C.Ronaldo > England! Posts: 7,923	The difference between a wife's and husband's diaries. Wife's Diary: I feel horrible for suspecting him, but I don't have a choice. He has been quiet since the start of the new week. He hasn't spoken to me in his usual self. He gives 1 word answers and doesn't seem to want to hold a conversation with me anymore. Coming back from work, he just sits at the sofa all night, staring into space. I feel he's hiding something from me. I have no idea what I should do. He has even refused making love. I think he might be seeing another women. How can this ever happen to us? We had so much love for each other. We were even planning to have kids very soon. And now it seems he's lost all his love for me. I am going to kill that other bitch if I ever find out who she was! Husband's diary: Manutd lost at the weekend. Fuck!

22nd August 2007, 17:29	#619 (permalink)
vanthaman Winner of the RedCafe Mickey Mouse Cup 2006 Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: in front of laptop Posts: 11,728	A man walks up to a bird in a club and says "Hi, the name's Bond" she replies with "Let me guess, Bond, James Bond?" and he says "No, Unibond, i'm here to fill your gap"

23rd August 2007, 20:46	#620 (permalink)
zing Zingle balls Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Chennai Posts: 3,670	Why did Chris Benoit skip the last WWE pay-per-view? He wanted to stay home and hang around his family.

24th August 2007, 16:56	#623 (permalink)
Dr. Dwayne self confessed womens pantie wearer Join Date: May 2006 Location: form is emptiness, emptiness is form. Posts: 11,087	A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only shorts made from clingwrap (saran wrap, glad wrap whatever y'all call it where you are). The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

30th August 2007, 02:15	#625 (permalink)
Count Duckula First Team Sub Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: In the corner, losing my religion. Posts: 5,716	A man sits at a bar at the top of a revolving tower, you know the type. Windows all round the outside. Anyways, he's sat at this bar, drinking shots of tequila. Another man sits next to him and orders a beer. They drink in silence for a while. Eventually, the first man turns to the second. "You know, tequila is magic," he says. "It can make you fly." "Bollocks," the second man replies. "Nope. Watch," retorts the first. With that, he walks to the side of the restaurant, opens the maintainance door and jumps into the air. He clearly flies all the way around the tower before coming back in through the door and landing. He walks back the bar. "Fuck me!" exclaims the second man. "Do that again!" "Ok," says the first man. "But first I need the magic drink." He quickly downs another shot of tequila, walks over to the door again, jumps out, flies a lap, re-enters and comes back to the bar. "See," the first man says. "It's a magic drink." "I'm going to try," grins the second man. "I want to fly! Bartender, give me a shot of tequila!" The bartender obliges, and pours the shot. The second man knocks it back, grins excitedly at the first man and runs at the door. He jumps out, whooping with delight, and promptly falls to his death. As people rush to the windows to look in horror at the gory mess he left on the pavement, the bartender turns to the first man. "You know, you're a real asshole when you're drunk, Superman."

30th August 2007, 19:25	#626 (permalink)
Livvie Executive Manager being kept sane only by her madness Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Someone said that half of Caf members were thick. It's not true. Half of you aren't thick at all. Posts: 27,668	Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks over at the other's penis and notices a Nicoderm patch on it. He says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm." "It works fine like this," says the other. "I'm down to two butts a day."

30th August 2007, 19:34	#628 (permalink)
Livvie Executive Manager being kept sane only by her madness Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Someone said that half of Caf members were thick. It's not true. Half of you aren't thick at all. Posts: 27,668	Done before I think, but can't be arsed to look. CHINESE PROVERBS ~~~~~~~~~ Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. ~~~~~~~~~ Man who run in front of car get tyred. ~~~~~~~~~ Man who run behind car get exhausted. ~~~~~~~~~ Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. ~~~~~~~~~ Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. ~~~~~~~~~ Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. ~~~~~~~~~ Man with one chopstick go hungry. ~~~~~~~~~ Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. ~~~~~~~~~ Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. ~~~~~~~~~ Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. ~~~~~~~~~ Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth. ~~~~~~~~~ War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. ~~~~~~~~~ Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. ~~~~~~~~~ Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. ~~~~~~~~~ It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. ~~~~~~~~~ Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. ~~~~~~~~~ Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. ~~~~~~~~~ Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. ~~~~~~~~~ Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. ~~~~~~~~~

30th August 2007, 22:33	#629 (permalink)
Clare Youth Team Player Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Belfast Posts: 225	What have a priest and a christmas tree got in common? Their balls are just for decoration.

3rd September 2007, 19:44	#630 (permalink)
Rahul First Team Sub Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Hunting The Hunter ! Posts: 5,082	A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.