Jokes

Rooney gr8

well at least it is drinking responsibly...

Rooney gr8

Rooney gr8

proper beer joke

Rooney gr8

brian from big brother 8 is lay in bed awake, cant sleep due to the dog in next doors garden barking incessantly.. "i am fucking sick of it" he tells his lover, "i am going to show them now, you'll see" he declares getting out of bed then getting dressed.
he leaves the bedroom and is gone for five minutes before returning, in silence.
he is lay in bed when the dog starts barking again.. "yes' he shouts.
his lover inquired "i thought you were going to sort this out?".
"well I put it in our garden now, see how they like it"...

Rooney gr8

Livvie

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with
her for £500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her
that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary
write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realising that
the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary
send a cheque for £250 and enclose the following typed note:

"Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for £250 for rent of your apartment. I am not
sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was
under the impression that:

1 - It had never been occupied;
2 - There was plenty of heat; and
3 - It was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that
there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for
£250 with the following note:

"Dear Sir:
First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment
to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if
you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the
management.

Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your
present landlady."

utdalltheway

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's
house for a play
date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,"
the mother replied. "It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal
questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and
Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends
begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the
little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look
at her drivers license.
It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
"I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find
that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How
in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why
you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."

pete_8

I reckon Chelskis defence has looked shaky lately so lets get at em
I fancy 2-0 Rooney and Ronny

Rahul

pete_8

Did you hear about the scouser that won a million pound on Who wants to be a millionaire luckily all of the answers were A

A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A

I'll get me coat

pete_8

Oops wrong forum

Freak

That's pretty shit.

anver

) Q: Do you know who is the best goalkeeper in this world ?
A: Women, no matter how much and which way you **** her, your balls will never go in.

2) Dentist was removing a tooth of a lady, he said, "Mam you are holding my balls".
She said," I know, its just to remind you that we are not going to hurt each other".

3) A little girl is talking to her mother and says, "Mommy, I just found out our neighbor's son has a penis like a peanut!"
The mother is in shock, but tries to keep her cool. The mother says, "You mean it's small?"
The little girl replies, "No, it's salty."

4) Boy to girl: Darling, what is rape?
Girl: It's the wrong man at the right place

5) Secret of long life...
Morning 2 eggs
Evening 2 pegs and
Night 2 legs

6) What's common between the Sun & women's underwear?
1) Both are hot
2) Both look better while going down
3) Both disappear by night

pete_8

Have to agree mate
But had to get rid of it

pete_8

Family Fortunes Classics


Question
Answer provided


Name an item of clothing people wear two of at the same time
A bra


Name a type of big cat
Persian


Name something with a hole in it
A window


Name something you might take from a hotel as a souvenir
The lamps


Name something you eat with fish
A plate


Name an animal that lives wild in Britain
A lion


Not including cutlery, name a type of fork
Banana


Name something a blind person might use
A sword


Name a song with moon in the title
Blue Suede Moon


Name a bird with a long neck
Naomi Campbell


Name an occupation where you need a torch
A burglar


Name a famous brother and sister
Bonnie and Clyde


Name a dangerous race
The Arabs


Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers
A horse


Name something that floats in the bath
Water


Name something you wear on the beach
A deckchair


Name something red
A cardigan


Name a famous cowboy
Buck Rogers


Name a famous royal
Mail


Name a number you have to memorise
7


Name something you do before going to bed
Sleep


Name something you put on walls
Roofs


Name something in the garden that's green
A shed


Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine
A bicycle with wings


Name something you might be allergic to
Skiing


Name a famous bridge
Bridge over troubled water


Name something a cat does
Goes to the toilet


Name something you do in the bathroom
Decorate


Name an animal you might see at the zoo
A dog


Name something associated with the police
Pigs


Name a sign of the zodiac
April


Name something slippery
A conman


Name a kind of ache
Fillet o' Fish


Name a food that can be brown or white
Potato


Name a jacket potato topping
Jam


Name a famous Scotsman
Jock


Name another famous Scotsman
Vinnie Jones


Name something with a hole in it
A window


Name a non-living object with legs
A plant


Name a domestic animal
Leopard


Name a part of the body beginning with 'N'
Knee


Name a way of cooking fish
Cod


Name something you open other than a door
Your bowels


Name a famous soap opera
Romeo and Juliet


Name one of Harry Enfield's characters
Sooty


Name something with a red light
A Dalek


Name a bird that can also be a man's name
Chicken


Name one of the Spice Girls
The one with the long hair

pete_8

A bloke goes to the doctors and says " doctor ever since I lost my job my cock has turned orange?"
Doctor replies " and what do you do all day since you lost your job?"
Bloke "Just watch porn and eat Wotsits all day"

pete_8

Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"

pete_8

Bob Hope was on 'Surprise Surprise', and bragged that despite his 97 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. After the show, Cilla said, "Bob, if I'm not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place." So they go back to her place and have great sex.

Afterwards, Bob says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for a half hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand." Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."

He sleeps for half an hour,awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Bob says, " Cilla , that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand."

Cilla once again says, "Great Bob, but tell me, does my holding your testicles in my left hand and your penis in my right stimulate you while you're sleeping?"

Bob replies, "No, the last time I slept with a Scouser, she stole my wallet!"

pete_8

What would it take to reunite the Beatles ?
2 more bullets !

pete_8

An Italian, a Frenchman and a Scouser are discussing their relative performance in bed. The Italian says - "When I've a finshed a makin da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy" The Frenchman replies - "Zat is nossing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with my girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats ze 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy" The Scouser says - That's nothin, when I've finished shaggin me bird, I get out of bed, walk over to da winda and wipe my knob clean on da curtains. She hits the fuckin roof !!!"

anver

Sri-Lankan cricketers have long names. So, the guys here decided to shorten names to accomodate them on the score board. A pilot project was mooted during England's last visit here.

Muralitharan was M'tharan
Jayawardene was J'dene
Sangakkara was S'kara, and so on.

The English:

Trescothick was T'thick
Collingwood was C'wood

But they had to abandon the project when they came to Flintoff.

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Totti in Malta:

One day,I go to eat my breakfast, and tell waitress bring me two toast. She bring me only one piece of toast. So I tell her 'I want two piece o' bread on my plate' She tell me you no piece on plate. You go toilet. I say 'No. I want two piece o' bread on plate' She say 'Sonoma bitch you no piece on plate, you piece in toilet'. She no even know me but she call me sonoma bitch.

Later, I go to eat at a biga restaurant, and order lunch. The waitress she bring me a spoon, a knife, but no fork. I tell her I wanta fork. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her I wanta fork on table. She say 'You better not fock on table you sonama bitch'. So I go back to my room in hotel. In my room there is no sheet on bed. So, I call the manager and tell him I want two sheet. He tell me 'You wanta sheet, go to toilet.' I tell him you no understand, I want two sheet on my bed. He tell me you no sheet on bed you sonama bitch.

So I go back to Italy.

rednev

Have you just made that one up?

Livvie

9" cock, covered in hot mustard sauce.

Pierced young nipples in smooth toffee sauce.

Soft virgin clits grilled on maple soaked skewers.

This is not just food - this is S & M food....

Livvie

Golfing Terminology . . .

· A *Paris Hilton* - an expensive hole

· A *Dennis Wise* - a nasty 5 footer

· A *Salman Rushdie* - an impossible read

· A *Rock Hudson* - looked straight, but it wasn't

· A *Cuban* - needed one more revolution

· An *Adolf Hitler* - two shots in the bunker

· A *Saddam Hussein* - from one bunker straight into another

· A *Yasser Arafat* - ugly and in the sand

· A *Kate Winslett* - little bit fat but otherwise perfect

· A *Gerry Adams* - playing a Provisional

· A *Glen Miller* - didn't make it over the water

· An *Arthur Scargill* - a great strike but a poor result

· A *Russell Grant* - a fat iron

· A *Rodney King* - over-clubbed

· An *O.J. Simpson* - got away with it

· A *Princess Grace* - should have taken a driver

· A *Princess Di* - shouldn't have taken a driver

· A *Robin Cook* - just died on the hill

· A *Michael Jackson* - gradually fading

· A *Douglas Bader* - looked good in the air, but didn't have the legs

· A *Ken Livingstone* - quite far left

· A *Jean-Marie LePen* - a long way right

· A *Ladyboy* - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems

· A *condom* - safe but didn't feel real good

· A *circus tent* - a BIG top

· An *Anna Kournikova* - looks great, but unlikely to get a result

· A *Vinnie Jones* - nasty kick when you're not expecting it

· A *Sally Gunnell* - ugly, but a good runner

· A *Liz McColgan* - Ugly but runs forever

· A* Brazilian* - Shaves both sides of the hole

Patti

A *Ladyboy* - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems

anver

Rahul

So there's a Jamaican, a Mancunian and a Scouser all waiting outside the maternity ward .A sister comes out and says there's been a mix up with the tags and we don't know who's baby is whos.Come this way gentleman and see which you think is yours.

The Mancunian barges in and claims the black baby, '' Don't you think that's mine'' said the Jamaican.

'' look mate '' said the Mancunian'' one of them other two is a Scouser and I'm taking no chances''