Jokes

Coca Cola

I didn´t read the whole thread so I apologize if this one has come before:

Sir Alex Ferguson is one of the guests of honour at the Miss World beauty pageant. During the interval, the guests and contestants are mingling over drinks. Sir Alex is besieged by three of the most beautiful women in the world.

Miss Venezuela pops the first question. "Sir Alex, I admire your management skills and all you have achieved and the trophies you have won." Sir Alex acknowledges her flattering remark, but is surprised when she lowers a strap on her dress, reveals her left breast and says, "Can you autograph this please?" Sir Alex, bemused, duly obliges.

Miss Croatia pops the second question. "Sir Alex, I admire the way you play psychological games with your opponents even before you play them." Sir Alex acknowledges her flattering remark, but is doubly surprised when she lowers a strap on her dress, reveals her right breast and says, "Can you autograph this please?" Sir Alex, again bemused, duly obliges.

Miss Argentina pops the third question. "Sir Alex, I admire the way you motivate your players and shield them like they were your own sons." Sir Alex acknowledges her flattering remark, but is overcome by emotion when she lifts up her dress to reveal the fact that she is wearing no underwear at all and is completely shaven. She says, "Can you please autograph this for me."

Sir Alex, totally gobsmacked by now, says, "Now hang on a minute love, no, no, no! Last time I signed a bald Argentinian cunt, it cost me £28 million!"

girish

Before marriage - - - -

Boy: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: NO! Don't even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of course! Over and over!
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: NO! Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get!
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling!

After marriage - - - simply read from bottom to top

IhabX7

nice one coca and girish

girish

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

Gobo

Whats the difference between Joe Dolan and Alex Ferguson?

Ferguson will still play giggs next year.

ERICSAGOD

Man goes into a sex shop to treat himself to a new inflatable doll.

The owner explains to the man that they have two models in stock, the Christian and the Muslim.

''What's the difference?'' asks the man.

The shop owner explains . . .

''Well, the Christian model you have to inflate yourself.''

''Whereas the Muslim model blows itself up!''

girish

Funny, but....

SiYuan

I shouldnt' but

Johnno

Three vampires go into a pub.
The first asks for a pint of blood and the barman hands him his drink.
The second asks for a pint of blood and the barman hands him his drink.
The third goes up an the barman says "Let me guess, pint of blood?" The vampire replies "no thanks mate, just a cup of hot water please".
The barman looks confused; "hot water, that's it?"
"Yes" replies the vampire and pulls out a used tampon. "I'm the designated driver and just fancy a nice cup of tea".

Coca Cola

Three pieces of string are standing outside a bar. There is a sign that says "No strings served." The first string says, "Well, I'll get served, watch." So he walks into the bar. He saunters up to the bar and says,"I'll have a beer please." The bartender says,"We don't serve strings here. Get out!" So the second string says, "Well, I'll get served watch." So he walks into the bar. He strolls up to the bar and says, "I'll have a beer please." The bartender says, "We don't serve strings here. Get out!" Finally the third string says, "I'll get served." He messes up his hair, twists himself around and goes into the bar. He strolls up to the bar and says, "I'll have a beer, please." The bartender says, "Say, aren't you a string?" He replies, "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."
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A guy goes into work hung over as hell. his buddy looks at him and says "You look like shit. Rough night, eh?" He says back "I'm so ashamed. I got home from the bar last night and blew chunks!" His buddy says "That's not so bad, I've done that plenty of times." "But you don't understand... Chunks is my dog!"
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The teacher asked Mary "What sound does a cat make?"
Mary said "A cat says meow, meow."

Then the teacher asked Billy "What sound does a cow make?"
Billy said "A cow goes mooo, mooo."

Then the teacher asks Johnny
"What sound does a pig make?"
Johnny says "A pig says FREEZE NIGGER!!"

gaffs

What is Amy Winehouses' favourite tube station?

High Barnet

antihenry

Can't be bothered to check the whole threads so if it was already posted, my apologies.


A man comes to the doctor and complains that his penis is too small. The doc says:'Don't worry we'll use the baby elephant's trunk to enlarge it, that's the most advanced procedure in modern medicine.'. So the man agrees and undergoes the surgery.

A month later he is on his first date with a girl in a restaurant when he feels some movement in his pelvic area and decides this is his lucky day. Suddenly his penis flies out of his pants, snatches an apple from the table and flies back inside.

'Wow", says the girl, "i'm really impressed.Can you do it one more time?"
"I can try", the man says," but i'm not sure my ass can take any more apples."

The_Red_Hope

anver

Queen Elizabeth, Bush and Mahinda all died and went to hell. Queen Elizabeth said: "I miss England , I would be pleased to phone England and see how everybody is doing there" So she called and spoke for about 5 minutes. Then she said: "Well devil, how much do I owe you?" The devil : "A million pounds" . "A million pounds!!!??? ?" and she made him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.



Bush was so jealous, he started screaming, "Me too, I wanna phone the USA , I wanna see how everybody is doing too. So He called and spoke for about 2 minutes, then he said: "Well , devil how much do I owe you?" The devil :"Two million dollars". "Two million dollars!!!!! !???" and he made him a cheque and went to sit back on his chair.



Mahinda was extremely jealous too. He started screaming and screaming "I also want to phone Srilanka ! I want to see how everybody is doing There too, I want to talk to the army, ministers, I want to talk to everybody". He called Srilanka and was talking non stop - he spoke for about twenty hours. Then he said: "Well, devil, how much do I owe you?" The devil : "Ten rupees.....only ten rupees." Mahinda screamed "ONLY TEN RUPEES?????? "The devil says, "Well, from hell to hell, it's a local Call".!!!

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When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?
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Thought 2

The average man's life consists of :
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
and at the end, the mourners wondering too.

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Thought 3

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, 'If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, 'Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.' The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. 'Who are you?'
'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered.
'Oh, yeah?' the man asked 'And where the hell were you when I got married?'

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This is the best!!!
Thought 4

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.
Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.
So he announced 'Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life.' Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, 'My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me.'

The whole audience including priest started laughing.... ...... but not the poor groom!

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Banta Singh walks into a bar in London and ordered 3-glasses of beer
and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn.

When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the
glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."

Banta Singh replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
Dubai , the other in Canada and I ' m here in London .

When they left home, we promised that we ' ll drink this way to remember
the days when we drank together.


The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

Banta Singh became a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He order 3-Beers and drinks them in turn.

One day, he came in and ordered only 2-Beers All the other regulars
notice and fall silent.


When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,"
I don ' t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere
condolences on your great loss. "

Banta Singh looked confused for a moment, then he laughs .... "Oh, no,"
he, said, "Everyone ' s fine - both my brothers are alive" .


" The only thing is
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I just quit drinking"!!!

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marcosdeto

Tyeza

BRobson

Scouse Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.


He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales .

UnitedRoadRed

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up,
She said I have to stop wanking,
When I asked why, she said "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

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My girlfriend said I've got the biggest cock she'd ever seen,
That's one of the benefits of going out with a 10 year old.

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I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean a ginger kid, with two friends?

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I was walking along a high cliff one day and saw a little boy, all alone. He was crying.
I asked him, "Son, what are you doing up here all alone?"
He replied, with tears in his eyes, "My mum's down there at the bottom. She fell!"
"That's terrible!" I said. "And your dad?"
"He's down there right next to her. He tried to save her and he fell, too!"
"That's awful!" I said. We shared a quiet moment there, together, looking out at the sky over that grand cliff.
And then, when he asked me why I was unbuckling my belt, I told him.
"Son, today just isn't your day."

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"Won't you kiss me, Doctor," asks a beautiful woman.
"No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor.
"Please just one kiss," begs the woman.
"It's completely out of the question," he goes on. "I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."

UnitedRoadRed

A man walks into a chemist and asks the assistant for some birth control pills for his daughter. The assistant asks the man,

"Is your daughter sexually active?"

The man replies, "No, she just lies there like her mother."

UnitedRoadRed

"Mummy, Mummy! Can I wear a bra now that I'm 12?"

"No David."

UnitedRoadRed

A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.

She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"

Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."

She asks, "What about the smell?"

He says, "Hold its nose."

Rooney1987

I broke up with my girlfriend because she lied about her weight problems I say the she died in a bungy jumping accident.

anver

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on
Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections and absolutely no
recollection of what to do with them!
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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't, ' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

Tyeza

After being married for 38 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said,


"Honey, 38 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black & white TV but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year old gal."


"Now I have a $700,000 home, a $55,000 car, a nice big bed and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 61-year old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain."


Now my wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out & find a hot 25 year old gal and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed & watching a 10-inch black & white tv.


Aren't older women great?

marcosdeto

anver

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I' m a very good girl who LOVES to play.
I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....

Please scroll down .

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Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society...
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MORNING SEX
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walked in; She turned and said, ‘You've got to make love to me this very moment.'


His eyes lit up and he thought, 'This is my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said 'Thanks,’ and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'