Jokes

Tyeza

School exam questions that never made it.....

If Jack has a 8th and adds it to a 16th, how stoned will he be?

UnitedRoadRed

I see Pakistan have yet to set up an Earthquake Relief Fund for us. Next time they have one, they're on their fucking own.

Tyeza

solvista

What dya call a pig with a spade up its arse?















Dawn French

VII

Every day at the office a guy walks up very close to a female co-worker standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells
her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore. She goes to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a grievance against him for sexual harassment.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and
asks,"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"






The woman replies, "It's Bob, the midget."

UnitedRoadRed

Police digging at the Jersey Childrens' home have found Michael Jackson's other glove.

anver

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco. Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The older is nine and the younger is seven.

Why the hell would you think they're twins?.... Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would screw you twice!"

solvista

You see, this is funny, Ezee's joke about Maddie, wasn't....there is a very bendy line involved in these jokes I feel

anver

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?


It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.


If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your arse without bringing a tear to your eyes

Tyeza

Gooden ^^^

UnitedRoadRed

It's really bad in Bridgend; I went into Halfords to buy a tow rope and they asked me what size collar I was

sully07

I went to visit my brother as his wife has just had a baby. After feeding it they asked me if I wanted to wind it. I thought that was over the top so I gave it a dead leg and fucked off home.

anver

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered

(Continue below - This is great)






'THE TEETH.'

Feed Me

A golfer goes to the doctors after a golf ball was driven up his arse.

"Is it going to be a problem doc?" asks the man.

"Aye, it will be. It's gone up a fairway," replied the doctor.

Kiwi_fan

A man went into a bar feeling happy.

Happy left the bar.

Tyeza

On their wedding night a bride says to her husband that she has a slight confession to make.

"I used to be a hooker" she said.

"Fair enough darlin, your past is your past. I must admit though I do find it quite erotic, tell me more about it" says the new husband.

"Well, I used to be called Nigel and I played for Wigan".

UnitedRoadRed

Golf Confessional
-------------------------
A man goes to the confessional.
"Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible."

"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the
fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about
100yards."

"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."

"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.

anver

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over'.

So the mortician rolled him over.

Seamus looked and said 'Nope, it ain't Paddy'.

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over'.

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, 'No, it ain't Paddy'.

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Sean said, 'Well, Paddy had two arseholes.'

'What, he had two arseholes???' said the mortician.

'Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes.....'

************************************************** *********


Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four'

'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.''

You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.

'The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot ! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!'

'Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.'

************************************************** *********

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat.

After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the guests asked

'Why, that's my Speaking Clock' the man replied.

'How does it work?'

'I'll show you', the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, 'For, *****sake,
you *****, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!'

************************************************** *********

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married.

He says, 'Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends in addition to my fiancé, and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry'.

The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, 'Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry.'

She immediately replies, 'The red-head in the middle.'

'That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?'

'I don't like her.'

************************************************** *********


Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner.'

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You b*stard!'

The judge continued, 'You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner.'

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You ****ing ** *stard!!!'

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, 'Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?'

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, 'For fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a *****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!'

Snake Doctor

UnitedRoadRed

The Welsh mining industry looks set for a come-back......

Apparently they've found some copper in Snowdonia.

solvista

UnitedRoadRed

Just been listening to that new boy band from Bridgend.
They're called No Kids on the Block.

massey

Shannon Matthews has been found safe and well. Her first words were, "Have Newcastle won yet?" "Fuck off," replies the copper, "You've only been missing a month..."

Wit Tanker

girish

Question : How much time willit take to read book with 1000 pages ?

Bookwriter : 6 months
A doctor : 3 months
A lawyer : 1 month
University student : just a night before the exam.

massey

Question :is this a joke girish ?

paddyf091

Q) What would Peter Crouch be if he wasn't a Premiership footballer?

A) a virgin

Solius

was that supposed to be funny?

vanthaman

After her success in the UK hide and seek championships, Shannon Matthews will now try her luck abroad by taking on current European Champion Madeleine McCann.

rufus diabolus