Jokes

very Ruud · 9th February 2006, 14:08

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ern

Finnish people.

Haha. Feck off.

Wizard Keyaz · 9th February 2006, 15:03

Female hormones in beer
Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

Wizard Keyaz · 9th February 2006, 15:17

You might be a redneck if...

More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

Wizard Keyaz · 9th February 2006, 15:18

A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.

A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.

A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.

A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.

A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.

A bird in the hand is dead.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Wizard Keyaz · 9th February 2006, 15:22

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"
The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers

Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

Q: What?s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more

Wizard Keyaz · 9th February 2006, 15:24

Consultation fees
A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

Wizard Keyaz · 9th February 2006, 15:25

Winning Nobel prize
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."

Wizard Keyaz · 9th February 2006, 15:25

I have good news and bad news
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

Wizard Keyaz · 9th February 2006, 15:27

Would you please do me a favor?
A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.

Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time.

Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.

Wizard Keyaz · 9th February 2006, 15:28

A doctor is complaining to a mechanic
A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."

"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."

Wizard Keyaz · 9th February 2006, 15:29

Don't say this to a cop
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

Number7 · 9th February 2006, 15:31

Keep posting away Keyaz.

By the laws of average, you'll post a decent one soon...

Wizard Keyaz · 9th February 2006, 15:36

Quote:

Originally Posted by Number7

Keep posting away Keyaz.

By the laws of average, you'll post a decent one soon...

Well at least I am contributing jokes.

There ain't many sites with decent jokes you know

Wizard Keyaz · 9th February 2006, 15:39

The Cab Driver Goes to Heaven

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher''''s entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we''''ll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie."

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "this is heaven and, up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

Wizard Keyaz · 9th February 2006, 15:40

You know you have a BIG dog when...

The sound of running water makes you jump up and yell, "OUTSIDE!"

You tell your dog to sit, and he backs up until he finds a chair.

It takes 3 people to get your dog on the scale at the vets.

You walk your dog and everyone knows him by name, but you have no idea who these people are.

You can carry on a conversation with a dog's muzzle firmly in your crotch.

You own a dog capable of pulling someone from a port-a-potty.

You carry a tape measure with you when shopping for a new vehicle.

You keep at least one color-coded "drool towel" in every room of your house.

After banishing your husband, the snoring in your bedroom still keeps you awake.

You are hiking with a friend who later suggests that you ought to have an environmental impact statement done on your dog.

Visitors enter the house holding their privates protectively.

You toss your dog a ball and cringe when he almost hits his head on the top of the doorway.

You take your dog for a ride and he rests his head on your arm, causing you to make random right turns.

You have given up on water dishes and you just use the bathtub.

Your two dogs decide to play in the house, and they end up pulling the ceiling fan down, for the second time.

You have to move over when brushing your teeth because your dog wants a drink.

You show a picture of your dogs and kids together, and the first person you point out is your dog.

While stopped at a stop light, everyone stares as your car rocks back and forth because the dog is panting out the window.

You go to vacuum your car and most of the fur is up there on the ceiling.

You've learned to force a smile when asked "do you have a saddle for that thing?"

The monthly dog budget exceeds your home mortgage payment.

Your veterinarian has been able to put in a swimming pool, build a large home, buy jet skis and a vacation home in Florida.

You have had to train your dog not to lick dishes, and the dishes are in the sink.

The donuts you put on top of the refrigerator are gone when you get home and your dog has powdered sugar on his nose.

Your dog can see what you're cooking and he tries to assist you in the preparation.

You're holding him straddled between your legs when the doorbell rings and you find yourself quickly transported straight to the front door.

The pizza delivery people tell you to meet them at the end of the sidewalk.

Your dog stands in your lap and reaches over you to stick his head in the drive-through window at McDonalds and nearly gives the cashier a heart attack when she turns around to give you your change.

You purchase a large screen TV and you still can't see the program when he stands in front of the television.

After surgery, your bored pup decides to get up and cruise around the vet's office, pulling the rolling IV stand behind him.

Wizard Keyaz · 9th February 2006, 15:41

This is is shit

Wizard Keyaz · 9th February 2006, 15:42

My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last...

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!", so I bought her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

very Ruud · 9th February 2006, 16:28

Quote:

Originally Posted by Number7

Keep posting away Keyaz.

By the laws of average, you'll post a decent one soon...

Haha.

Best one yet.

MANCHESTER BOY · 9th February 2006, 18:40

credit to ruudthered:

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home."

“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy."

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him... (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

k-standred · 10th February 2006, 09:45

What's that Manchester boy? Speak up, can't hear you...

Justin · 10th February 2006, 09:50

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

Dupes · 10th February 2006, 12:29

Sol Campbell has issued a 'Come and get me' plea to Alan Curbishley after learning that Charlton's goalscorers against Liverpool were Young and Bent.

k-standred · 10th February 2006, 12:33

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dupes

Sol Campbell has issued a 'Come and get me' plea to Alan Curbishley after learning that Charlton's goalscorers against Liverpool were Young and Bent.

Not bad...

:jol:

Edgio · 10th February 2006, 14:17

A tramp walks into an upmarket jewellers, shoves his hand down his gruds and begins to remove winnits from his crack.

Noticing this, the manager approaches him and asks him "What the hell are you doing!?"

The tramp looks briefly at the manager before pointing at the sign in the window: "Come inside and pick your ring in comfort."

k-standred · 10th February 2006, 14:18

Im red2 · 12th February 2006, 12:51

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

very Ruud · 12th February 2006, 12:57

very Ruud · 12th February 2006, 13:16

BEWARE! new scam!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't know whether you shop at Tesco, but I am sure you
will want to know about this.
I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
This happened to me at Tesco in Brent Cross, and it could happen
to you. Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to
your car as you are packing your shopping in the boot. They
both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windolene,
with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy
t-shirts.

It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer
them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to
another Tesco.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they
start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs
over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while
the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on
Thursday,again on Saturday, and also yesterday.

Huseyin10 · 12th February 2006, 17:17

Quote:

Originally Posted by very Ruud

6/10

1/10

poor attempt at a joke...

9th February 2006, 15:03	#42 (permalink)
Wizard Keyaz Caf's Confucious Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: When you know a thing, to hold that you know it; and when you do not know a thing, to allow that you do not know it - this is knowledge. Posts: 10,368	Female hormones in beer Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

9th February 2006, 15:17	#43 (permalink)
Wizard Keyaz Caf's Confucious Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: When you know a thing, to hold that you know it; and when you do not know a thing, to allow that you do not know it - this is knowledge. Posts: 10,368	You might be a redneck if... More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general. You think the stock market has a fence around it. You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame. Your home has more miles on it than your car.

9th February 2006, 15:18	#44 (permalink)
Wizard Keyaz Caf's Confucious Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: When you know a thing, to hold that you know it; and when you do not know a thing, to allow that you do not know it - this is knowledge. Posts: 10,368	A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country. A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense. A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work. A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead. A bird in the hand is dead. A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose. A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun. A clean tie attracts the soup of the day. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

9th February 2006, 15:22	#45 (permalink)
Wizard Keyaz Caf's Confucious Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: When you know a thing, to hold that you know it; and when you do not know a thing, to allow that you do not know it - this is knowledge. Posts: 10,368	Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung? A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck! Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do? A: Shoot the lawyer twice. Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start! Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving. Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy. Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? A: To practice. A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!" The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!" Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop? A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.? A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland. Q: What?s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? A: The lawyer charges more

9th February 2006, 15:24	#46 (permalink)
Wizard Keyaz Caf's Confucious Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: When you know a thing, to hold that you know it; and when you do not know a thing, to allow that you do not know it - this is knowledge. Posts: 10,368	Consultation fees A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves. Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

9th February 2006, 15:25	#47 (permalink)
Wizard Keyaz Caf's Confucious Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: When you know a thing, to hold that you know it; and when you do not know a thing, to allow that you do not know it - this is knowledge. Posts: 10,368	Winning Nobel prize A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?" The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."

9th February 2006, 15:25	#48 (permalink)
Wizard Keyaz Caf's Confucious Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: When you know a thing, to hold that you know it; and when you do not know a thing, to allow that you do not know it - this is knowledge. Posts: 10,368	I have good news and bad news Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus. Patient: What happened? Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Give me the bad news first. Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them. Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news? Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

9th February 2006, 15:27	#49 (permalink)
Wizard Keyaz Caf's Confucious Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: When you know a thing, to hold that you know it; and when you do not know a thing, to allow that you do not know it - this is knowledge. Posts: 10,368	Would you please do me a favor? A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging. Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams? Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time. Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.

9th February 2006, 15:28	#50 (permalink)
Wizard Keyaz Caf's Confucious Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: When you know a thing, to hold that you know it; and when you do not know a thing, to allow that you do not know it - this is knowledge. Posts: 10,368	A doctor is complaining to a mechanic A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care." "Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."

9th February 2006, 15:29	#51 (permalink)
Wizard Keyaz Caf's Confucious Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: When you know a thing, to hold that you know it; and when you do not know a thing, to allow that you do not know it - this is knowledge. Posts: 10,368	Don't say this to a cop The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over. 20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people? 17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job. 16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer. 15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. 14. Bad cop. No donut. 13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you? 12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. 11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops? 10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds? 9. I pay your salary 8. So uh, you on the take or what? 7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning. 6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me. 4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist. 3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. 2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum. 1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

10th February 2006, 14:18	#65 (permalink)
k-standred Healthy, safe and neutered Join Date: May 2005 Location: Quit yo' jibba jabba Posts: 8,654

9th February 2006, 15:31	#52 (permalink)
Number7 Ret's Slave Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 20,943	Keep posting away Keyaz. By the laws of average, you'll post a decent one soon...

9th February 2006, 15:39	#54 (permalink)
Wizard Keyaz Caf's Confucious Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: When you know a thing, to hold that you know it; and when you do not know a thing, to allow that you do not know it - this is knowledge. Posts: 10,368	The Cab Driver Goes to Heaven A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven. A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher''''s entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we''''ll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie." St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "this is heaven and, up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

9th February 2006, 15:40	#55 (permalink)
Wizard Keyaz Caf's Confucious Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: When you know a thing, to hold that you know it; and when you do not know a thing, to allow that you do not know it - this is knowledge. Posts: 10,368	You know you have a BIG dog when... The sound of running water makes you jump up and yell, "OUTSIDE!" You tell your dog to sit, and he backs up until he finds a chair. It takes 3 people to get your dog on the scale at the vets. You walk your dog and everyone knows him by name, but you have no idea who these people are. You can carry on a conversation with a dog's muzzle firmly in your crotch. You own a dog capable of pulling someone from a port-a-potty. You carry a tape measure with you when shopping for a new vehicle. You keep at least one color-coded "drool towel" in every room of your house. After banishing your husband, the snoring in your bedroom still keeps you awake. You are hiking with a friend who later suggests that you ought to have an environmental impact statement done on your dog. Visitors enter the house holding their privates protectively. You toss your dog a ball and cringe when he almost hits his head on the top of the doorway. You take your dog for a ride and he rests his head on your arm, causing you to make random right turns. You have given up on water dishes and you just use the bathtub. Your two dogs decide to play in the house, and they end up pulling the ceiling fan down, for the second time. You have to move over when brushing your teeth because your dog wants a drink. You show a picture of your dogs and kids together, and the first person you point out is your dog. While stopped at a stop light, everyone stares as your car rocks back and forth because the dog is panting out the window. You go to vacuum your car and most of the fur is up there on the ceiling. You've learned to force a smile when asked "do you have a saddle for that thing?" The monthly dog budget exceeds your home mortgage payment. Your veterinarian has been able to put in a swimming pool, build a large home, buy jet skis and a vacation home in Florida. You have had to train your dog not to lick dishes, and the dishes are in the sink. The donuts you put on top of the refrigerator are gone when you get home and your dog has powdered sugar on his nose. Your dog can see what you're cooking and he tries to assist you in the preparation. You're holding him straddled between your legs when the doorbell rings and you find yourself quickly transported straight to the front door. The pizza delivery people tell you to meet them at the end of the sidewalk. Your dog stands in your lap and reaches over you to stick his head in the drive-through window at McDonalds and nearly gives the cashier a heart attack when she turns around to give you your change. You purchase a large screen TV and you still can't see the program when he stands in front of the television. After surgery, your bored pup decides to get up and cruise around the vet's office, pulling the rolling IV stand behind him.

9th February 2006, 15:41	#56 (permalink)
Wizard Keyaz Caf's Confucious Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: When you know a thing, to hold that you know it; and when you do not know a thing, to allow that you do not know it - this is knowledge. Posts: 10,368	This is is shit

9th February 2006, 15:42	#57 (permalink)
Wizard Keyaz Caf's Confucious Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: When you know a thing, to hold that you know it; and when you do not know a thing, to allow that you do not know it - this is knowledge. Posts: 10,368	My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last... Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!", so I bought her an electric chair. My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake." My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now! She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off... She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

9th February 2006, 18:40	#59 (permalink)
MANCHESTER BOY Banned Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Barely old enough to smoke... Posts: 3,712	credit to ruudthered: 1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" 7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual." 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy." 9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!" 13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. 14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!". 16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." 18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him... (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

10th February 2006, 09:45	#60 (permalink)
k-standred Healthy, safe and neutered Join Date: May 2005 Location: Quit yo' jibba jabba Posts: 8,654	What's that Manchester boy? Speak up, can't hear you...

10th February 2006, 09:50	#61 (permalink)
Justin First Team Regular Join Date: Sep 2004 Posts: 15,552	Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

10th February 2006, 12:29	#62 (permalink)
Dupes Reserve Team Player Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Manchester Posts: 836	Sol Campbell has issued a 'Come and get me' plea to Alan Curbishley after learning that Charlton's goalscorers against Liverpool were Young and Bent.

10th February 2006, 14:17	#64 (permalink)
Edgio Reserve Team Player Join Date: May 2005 Location: I'm a mushroom-cloud egg layin' motherfucker, motherfucker! Posts: 3,416	A tramp walks into an upmarket jewellers, shoves his hand down his gruds and begins to remove winnits from his crack. Noticing this, the manager approaches him and asks him "What the hell are you doing!?" The tramp looks briefly at the manager before pointing at the sign in the window: "Come inside and pick your ring in comfort."

12th February 2006, 12:51	#66 (permalink)
Im red2 Prophet of Doom Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Right here, right now. Posts: 2,603	A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. "What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation." Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?" She replied, "Your horse called."

12th February 2006, 12:57	#67 (permalink)
very Ruud Spam, Spam, Spam.... Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Hard Rock Hallelujah !!! Posts: 20,760	6/10

12th February 2006, 13:16	#68 (permalink)
very Ruud Spam, Spam, Spam.... Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Hard Rock Hallelujah !!! Posts: 20,760	BEWARE! new scam! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I don't know whether you shop at Tesco, but I am sure you will want to know about this. I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me at Tesco in Brent Cross, and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windolene, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Tesco. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday,again on Saturday, and also yesterday.