Jokes

UnitedRoadRed

I see a battered head has turned up on a beach in Arbroath.
Those Jocks will deep fry anything!

---------

What have a porn mag and Shannon Matthews got in common?
Both get shoved back under the bed once you've finished with them

---------

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Marys."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fanny Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Marys. "
The next morning in church, as the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon, a gorgeous, slim , redheaded woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fanny Green?"
The altar boy replies, ....
"No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".

anver

The 1st kind of sex is called .....Smurf Sex.

This kind of sex happens when you first

meet someone and you both have sex until

you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your

partner for a short time and you are so

needy you will have sex anywhere, even

in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your

partner for a long time. Your sex has

gotten routine and you usually have sex

only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your

partner for too long. When you pass each

other in the hallway you both say .. "Fuck You."

The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning,

Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

(Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called . Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife

any more. She takes you to court and

screws you in front of everyone.

And . Last ... But not least ....

The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.

I have enough problems of my own !!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: 'I will choose my own bride!'
Father: 'But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter.'
Son: 'Well, in that case...ok'


Next Day Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: 'I have a husband for your daughter.'
Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!'
Father: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.'
Bill Gates: 'Ah, in that case...ok'


Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.'
President: 'But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!'
Father: 'But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law.'
President: 'Ah, in that case...ok'

This is how business is done!!

Moral: Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything.. But your
attitude should be +ve...

UnitedRoadRed

A farmer stopped by the local garage to have his tractor fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the local Tesco store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the Country store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all his purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 160 Mockingbird Lane ?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house at the end of the villiage. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "good god woman! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!!

UnitedRoadRed

Breaking news:

The Olympic torch has gone out in Paris

Conclusive proof the woman will shove anything up her snatch

The_Red_Hope

Snake Doctor

marcosdeto

UnitedRoadRed

Strange thing happened to me last night when I was making tea.

Put it in the oven and left it to cook for 25 minutes while I watched the news.
Came back and the whole lot had disappeared without a trace - the food, the oven tray, the lot.

That's the last time I buy McCann's Oven Chips

ukbob

Mexican Eggs

Two Mexicans are on a bike along U.S. 52 about 15 miles outside of
Lafayette, LA. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start
hitching a lift back into town.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask
him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the Trailer as he is
carrying 20,000 bowling balls.
The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit
into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town and he
agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and
the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. By this time he is
really late and so puts the hammer down
Sure enough a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding. The lady
officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver
jokingly replies 'Mexican eggs.
The Blond Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take
a
look in the trailer.
She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.
She gets on her radio and calls for immediate backup from as many
officers as possible plus the Swat Team.
The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many
officers.
'I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in
it..
two have hatched and they've already managed to steal a bicycle.'

UnitedRoadRed

Two consultant surgeons in a meeting at Manchester Royal Infirmary.
Charles says, "So Robert, have you told the scouser on Ward 7 that's he's only got a week to live?"
"I have indeed," Robert replies.
Charles replies, "You cunt. I wanted to tell him."

UnitedRoadRed

What do you call an Indian with pink hair?
Ghandi Floss

rotherham_red

What have Shannon Mathews and a Porn mag got in common?

They are both put under the bed after they've been wanked over

Snake Doctor

UnitedRoadRed

What's yellow and blue with a really tight cunt at one end?

An Aldi bag.

Tyeza

A man is lying naked on a beach with only a cap covering penis.

As he lays, he hears a women approaching him.

"As a gentlemen, you should greet me by removing you cap" she says.

"If you werent so fucking ugly, my cap would have already removed itself!"

UnitedRoadRed

Me and a few mates broke into Melwood for a laugh - anyway, to cut a long story short we were still in there when some of the scouse bastards came back. We were shitting ourselves- we needed to find a hiding place where no scouser would think of going. So we hid in the showers.

zing

Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

UnitedRoadRed

I went for a job as a blacksmith last week.
They asked me if I had ever shoed a horse.
I said, "no, but I have told a donkey to fuck off."

Tyeza

That is quality zing. Brilliant.

UnitedRoadRed

I was chatting to a woman in the pub last night.
I said, "I reckon you're gonna get laid tonight."
She asked, "why, do you reckon you're my type?"
I replied, "No, but I'm stronger than you."

Ivor Ballokov

Why did Mark Speight kill himself at Paddington Station?











Because he missed the train to bridgend

anver

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and
went to
heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a
good man and
your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out
with anyone
you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who
invented the
Harley Davidson motorcycle!"

Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."

God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty
unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke,

"Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws
in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on.."

God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and
waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God
read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,
"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.."

UnitedRoadRed

91% of people over 60 believe that we show less respect to the others than we did in the past.

Silly old fuckers.


-------------------


Mummy, mummy, what's that between your legs?
That's where God hit me with an axe, love.
Hell of a shot, Mum; right in your snatch!

camerony

Police were called to a day care centre today where a three-year-old was resisting a rest...

zing

Apparently, Drogba's been banned from the funeral of Lampard's mother. They're afraid that he might try to dive in the box.

Livvie

Wrong thread. This one is titled "Jokes".

You're just not funny.

zing

The pedophilia jokes on this page are acceptable then?

And the one about Mark Speight?

anver

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you," asked Hillary?

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."!

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it