Jokes

UnitedRoadRed · 2nd May 2008, 09:49

In an effort to improve her image, Jennifer Lopez took her initial and the first two letters of her surname as a nickname and J. Lo has seen a sustained success.

It is understood that despite his waning fortunes Pete Doherty has no plans to do the same.

------------------------

Abortion - it really brings out the child in you.

UnitedRoadRed · 2nd May 2008, 14:43

I think my sat nav's fucked - it claims Liverpool is in Europe

----------------------

As a United fan on his way to Moscow, I have been really worried about the threat of muggings, knifings and gang rape. Thank fuck Chelsea knocked the scousers out.

UnitedRoadRed · 3rd May 2008, 08:26

In Belfast last week, two guys looking at the notice board in the police station window. It said, "two asylum seekers wanted for rape."

Mick turned to Pat and said, "fecking immigrants get all the best jobs now."

----------------------------

Frank Lampard has put in a transfer request. He wanted Motherwell but instead he is off to Bury.

anver · 5th May 2008, 09:24

Quote:

Originally Posted by UnitedRoadRed

In Belfast last week, two guys looking at the notice board in the police station window. It said, "two asylum seekers wanted for rape."

Mick turned to Pat and said, "fecking immigrants get all the best jobs now."

----------------------------

Frank Lampard has put in a transfer request. He wanted Motherwell but instead he is off to Bury.

Pretty crude, mate.

Livvie · 5th May 2008, 11:09

Quote:

Originally Posted by UnitedRoadRed

In Belfast last week, two guys looking at the notice board in the police station window. It said, "two asylum seekers wanted for rape."

Mick turned to Pat and said, "fecking immigrants get all the best jobs now."

----------------------------

Frank Lampard has put in a transfer request. He wanted Motherwell but instead he is off to Bury.

Hilariously witty - well done.

Be sure to let us know when someone close to you dies so that we can make jokes about it.

UnitedRoadRed · 6th May 2008, 09:24

Quote:

Originally Posted by Livvie

Hilariously witty - well done.

Be sure to let us know when someone close to you dies so that we can make jokes about it.

Bet you had a fucking flag day when Manning died

UnitedRoadRed · 6th May 2008, 09:53

Anyway, back on track.....

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear.

Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

RedKaos · 6th May 2008, 20:49

What do Madelaine McCann and Liverpool have in common?

Both lost in Europe

Livvie · 7th May 2008, 23:34

Quote:

Originally Posted by UnitedRoadRed

Bet you had a fucking flag day when Manning died

UnitedRoadRed · 9th May 2008, 12:45

What do you call a Frenchman killed in battle?
A slow runner.

I was rowing with the wife about holidays the other day.
I want to go to Las Vegas; she wants to come with me.

zing · 10th May 2008, 07:33

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nialler

An austrian journalist asked a neighbour how long he had known Josef Frittzle's Daughter Alice.

Alice? He replied. Who the f*ck is Alice. You mean for 24 years I've been living next door to alice!!!

UnitedRoadRed · 10th May 2008, 09:42

What's the population of Austria?

About twice as many as you'd think

----------------------

22,000 dead in Burma so far. Both families are said to be devastated.

----------------------

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear.

Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

---------------------

I just got skylights put in my place.
The woman upstairs is furious.

---------------------

I got aroused last week whilst watching Countdown with Carol Vorderman.

7 letters isn't too shabby is it?

-----------------

Two women were chatting.

"My 15 year old son is getting to be a right little bastard, hanging about in a gang, never coming to visit his grandparents with me - honestly, I sometimes think he wouldn't care if I died", the first woman said.

"I'm lucky in that respect", the second woman said, "My son is 22 now and loves his old mum, he snuggles up on the sofa with me of a night to watch TV, always gives me a kiss and hug whenever he is going out or going up to bed, we even do paintings together at weekends."

"I know", says the first woman "sometimes I wish my son had Down's Syndrome too."

vanthaman · 11th May 2008, 12:47

Velcro, what a rip off

camerony · 13th May 2008, 04:21

Austrian women are like a fine wine - left to mature in a cellar.

anver · 13th May 2008, 12:54

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER!!! LMAO!!

Dear Wife

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.

I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit
your job today & that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had
cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You
ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that
connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't
love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia
together!
Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I
have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what
you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant
whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a
hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just
like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say
something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you
must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7
years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price
tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had
just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I
hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to
Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason,
I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer
said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take
care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born
Carl.
I hope that's not a problem

UnitedRoadRed · 13th May 2008, 13:07

What is the difference between women and women's football?
Women's football will always suck

-------------

Jack and Jill went up the hill
So Jack could lick Jill's fanny
Jack got a shock
And a gobful of cock
Cos Jill's a fucking tranny

------------

Why are Middlesbrough better than Nancy Del Olio?
Nancy never fucked Sven 8 times in ninety minutes

------------

Man sitting in a pub in Belfast feels a gun in his back.
"Catholic or Protestant?" he is asked.
"Jew", replies the man calmly.
"Fuck me, I must be the luckiest Arab in Ireland."

PJ · 13th May 2008, 13:27

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord !".
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Really angry now that this guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartypants. You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing .....

" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

2nd May 2008, 09:49	#801 (permalink)
UnitedRoadRed Reserve Team Player Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Manchester Posts: 1,589	In an effort to improve her image, Jennifer Lopez took her initial and the first two letters of her surname as a nickname and J. Lo has seen a sustained success. It is understood that despite his waning fortunes Pete Doherty has no plans to do the same. ------------------------ Abortion - it really brings out the child in you.

2nd May 2008, 14:43	#802 (permalink)
UnitedRoadRed Reserve Team Player Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Manchester Posts: 1,589	I think my sat nav's fucked - it claims Liverpool is in Europe ---------------------- As a United fan on his way to Moscow, I have been really worried about the threat of muggings, knifings and gang rape. Thank fuck Chelsea knocked the scousers out.

3rd May 2008, 08:26	#803 (permalink)
UnitedRoadRed Reserve Team Player Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Manchester Posts: 1,589	In Belfast last week, two guys looking at the notice board in the police station window. It said, "two asylum seekers wanted for rape." Mick turned to Pat and said, "fecking immigrants get all the best jobs now." ---------------------------- Frank Lampard has put in a transfer request. He wanted Motherwell but instead he is off to Bury.

6th May 2008, 09:53	#807 (permalink)
UnitedRoadRed Reserve Team Player Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Manchester Posts: 1,589	Anyway, back on track..... A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

6th May 2008, 20:49	#808 (permalink)
RedKaos Reserve Team Player Join Date: May 2007 Location: Tentacles in my mouthLOL Posts: 1,960	What do Madelaine McCann and Liverpool have in common? Both lost in Europe

9th May 2008, 12:45	#810 (permalink)
UnitedRoadRed Reserve Team Player Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Manchester Posts: 1,589	What do you call a Frenchman killed in battle? A slow runner. I was rowing with the wife about holidays the other day. I want to go to Las Vegas; she wants to come with me.

10th May 2008, 09:42	#812 (permalink)
UnitedRoadRed Reserve Team Player Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Manchester Posts: 1,589	What's the population of Austria? About twice as many as you'd think ---------------------- 22,000 dead in Burma so far. Both families are said to be devastated. ---------------------- A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost." --------------------- I just got skylights put in my place. The woman upstairs is furious. --------------------- I got aroused last week whilst watching Countdown with Carol Vorderman. 7 letters isn't too shabby is it? ----------------- Two women were chatting. "My 15 year old son is getting to be a right little bastard, hanging about in a gang, never coming to visit his grandparents with me - honestly, I sometimes think he wouldn't care if I died", the first woman said. "I'm lucky in that respect", the second woman said, "My son is 22 now and loves his old mum, he snuggles up on the sofa with me of a night to watch TV, always gives me a kiss and hug whenever he is going out or going up to bed, we even do paintings together at weekends." "I know", says the first woman "sometimes I wish my son had Down's Syndrome too."

11th May 2008, 12:47	#813 (permalink)
vanthaman Winner of the RedCafe Mickey Mouse Cup 2006 Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: in front of laptop Posts: 10,733	Velcro, what a rip off

13th May 2008, 04:21	#814 (permalink)
camerony Youth Team Player Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Australia Posts: 260	Austrian women are like a fine wine - left to mature in a cellar.

13th May 2008, 12:54	#815 (permalink)
anver Shart stop Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Colombo. Sri-Lanka Posts: 935	BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER!!! LMAO!! Dear Wife I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem

13th May 2008, 13:07	#816 (permalink)
UnitedRoadRed Reserve Team Player Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Manchester Posts: 1,589	What is the difference between women and women's football? Women's football will always suck ------------- Jack and Jill went up the hill So Jack could lick Jill's fanny Jack got a shock And a gobful of cock Cos Jill's a fucking tranny ------------ Why are Middlesbrough better than Nancy Del Olio? Nancy never fucked Sven 8 times in ninety minutes ------------ Man sitting in a pub in Belfast feels a gun in his back. "Catholic or Protestant?" he is asked. "Jew", replies the man calmly. "Fuck me, I must be the luckiest Arab in Ireland."

13th May 2008, 13:27	#817 (permalink)
PJ Reserve Team Player Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: derry/belfast Posts: 710	Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord !". Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Really angry now that this guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartypants. You get up here and do it!" The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing ..... " A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."