Jokes

EspadaYdaga

pete_8

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, " I found the remote."

pete_8

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Georgiana from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... .. Oh my god!! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you pro missed me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky
Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.

girish

girish

MikeUpNorth

anver

An elephant asked a camel,
'Why are your breasts on your back?'


'Well,' says the camel,
'I think that's a strange question
from somebody whose dick is on his face.
--------------------------------------------------
A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:


Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.

I'm sorry.

Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky....... .......


The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:


Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.

Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,

Ricky

UnitedRoadRed

Actual Classified Ads:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat . Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC RUNNING TRACK
£300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £320.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake . Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER :
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

UnitedRoadRed

The Amazing Scotsman

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read : "Don't miss the Amazing Scotsman".

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped
out a huge penis and smashed all three walnuts with three
mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried
off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town
and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same "Don't miss
the Amazing Scotsman". He can't believe the old boy was still
alive much less doing his act. So he bought a ticket.

Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however,
instead of walnuts three coconuts are place on the table. The
Scotsman stood before them and suddenly lifted his kilt and smashed
the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.

The crowd went wild !!!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

"You're incredible" he told the Scotsman, "But I have to know
something . You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts ?"

"Well," said the Scot, "Me eyes are nae whit they used to be."

UnitedRoadRed

Maths through the ages....

Teaching Maths In 1970:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?


Teaching Maths In 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or £80. What is his profit?


Teaching Maths In 1990:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is £80. Did he make a profit?


Teaching Maths In 2000:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


Teaching Maths In 2008:
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of £20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)


Teaching Maths 2018:
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شا من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من الثمن. ما هو الربح

UnitedRoadRed

Two dyslexics in a car.
One says, "can you smell petrol?"
The other one replies, "fuck off, I can't even smell my own name."

UnitedRoadRed

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts", she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself".
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"
"No", replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"
"Oh yes", said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.
When the husband got back in she asked, "Did you see it?"
"Yes", he said. "But why did you have to show her yours?"
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it all before."
"I know", he said, "but the f***ing darts team hasn't"!

UnitedRoadRed

I've just started a job in a paperless office.
It was going great until I needed a crap.

--------------------------

At a train station a man goes to the counter and asks for "a dirst class ticket to dottingham please".
The man behind the counter said, "you need a pack of Tunes mate."
The man asked, "why, do they cure Downs Syndrome?"

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What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr Dre.

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Fuck me that Shell V Power Diesel is powerful. Not only did it clean my engine out, it clean my bastard wallet out too.

------------------

OK, I may not be the best at oral sex, but why does my wife have to keep rubbing my nose in it?

anver

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary! Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said.. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies??!!!'
----------------------------------------------------

Decotron

Why do paedophiles love Halloween?

Free Delivery...........

anver

Little white lies to a robot...


Henry was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind
of unusual gimmick, no matter what. The house was filled
with electric potato peelers, self-rocking chairs, and other odd stuff.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to
stop being such a sucker for every new gadget that came along.

One day, Henry came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot – “but not just ANY robot,” Henry said. “This one is a LIE DETECTOR!”

At around 5:30 PM, their 11-year-old son, Little Johnny, came home
– two hours later than he should have.
“Where have you been, young man?” Henry demanded.
“Why are you so late getting home from school?”

“Charlie, Bobby and I went to the library to work on an
extra-credit project for history class,” said Little Johnny.

The robot strode around the table and slapped Little Johnny,
knocking him completely out of his chair.

A startled Little Johnny climbed back onto his chair.
“Son,” said Henry, “This robot is a sophisticated lie detector,
and it knows when you’re telling the truth. Let’s try again.
Where did you really go after school?”

“We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie,” said Little Johnny.
The robot stood there.

“What movie did you watch?” asked Marsha.
“The Ten Commandments,” answered Little Johnny.
The robot charged around the table and smacked
Little Johnny to the floor once more.

With his lip quivering, Little Johnny got up,
sat down and said, “I’m sorry I lied.
We really watched a movie called Sex Kittens of New Orleans.”
The robot stood there.

“I'm ashamed of you, son,” said Henry.
“When I was your age, I never,
ever lied to my parents about anything.
I always told them the truth.”

At that, the robot wheeled across the room to Henry
and delivered a whack that nearly laid him flat.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears,
and said, “Boy, did you ever ask for that one!
You can't blame Little Johnny for lying.
You did it too, and after all, he is your son!”





The robot immediately shot across the room to Marsha and knocked her cold.

lem8sh

UnitedRoadRed

A Ritchie County, West Virginia farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the door. A young boy about 9 years old opened the door.
'Is yer Dad home?' the farmer asked. 'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well,' said the farmer, 'is yer Mom here?'
'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'
'He went with Mom and Dad.'
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'
'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, Pregnant.'
The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know
how much he gets fer Howard.'

solvista

We really shouldn't laugh at that should we?

solvista

So, you'e been on the Tommy Cooper Appreciation website?

solvista

True Story.

On Fridaynight I was a little bored, feeling sorry for myself due to my current predicament. I decided to watch my wedding video.

I put it in the machine and found that it hadn't been rewound from the last tme it was viewed. So, I clicked rewind on the remote.

I don't know why but I sat there and watched it all the way through in reverse.

The best bit was when I took the ring off, walked backwards out of the church, got in the car and fucked off.

zing

Two Chelsea fans jump off a cliff. Which one hits the ground first?







Who gives a fuck?

----------
What do you get when you cross a Chelsea Fan with a pig?
I don't know, there are some things a pig just won't do.

---------------
Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read:
"Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan."
So, one of them asked the other: "When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?"

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The seven dwarfs are down in the mines when there is a cave-in.
Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them.
In the distance a voice shouts out "Arsenal" are good enough to win the European Cup."
Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"
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Two men are fishing on a river bank in a remote area of the River Thames on a Saturday afternoon miles away from any radio or tv. Suddenly one turns to the other and says "The Gunners have lost again." The other man was flabbergasted and said "how in the name of god do you know that?" The other man replied "It's quarter to five."

zing

One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a scouser arrived at a hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share. The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in. They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he'd sleep inthe barn. The Hindu and the scouser were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jew. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a pig in that barn and because I'm Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it." "No problem," said the Hindu. "I'll sleep out there instead."

So off he went to the barn, leaving the scouser and the Jew to share the room. They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a cow in that barn and because I'm a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about it." The scouser grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room. The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door.

It was the cow and the pig.

Kaka83

4 Words...


A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. When they returned, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly, she burst out crying. "But mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what's making you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words."

Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mama... words like dust, wash, iron, cook..."





Trust A Friend


A man leaves home to go fight in the Crusades and decides that his wife should wear a chastity belt in his absence. So he locks her up and gives the key to his best friend.

He tells him, "If I'm not back in four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."

The husband leaves on horseback and about half an hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend.

"What's wrong?", he asks.

"You gave me the wrong key."





Finally Together

As a devout Catholic, Maria doesn’t use condoms with her husband. So over the years, they have had 17 children. After the husband died, Maria remarried and had another 22 kids with her second husband before he too dies. Eventually, Maria’s time also came.

At her wake, the priest looked tenderly at Maria lying in her coffin. Then, he looked up into the heavens and said, "At last... they are finally together."

A man standing next to the priest looked confused and asked, "Father, what do you mean? Do you mean Maria and her first husband? Or her second husband?"

Says the priest: "I mean her legs!"

Kaka83