Jokes

UnitedRoadRed

Our paralympic marathon wheelchair athlete has been disqualified.
She tested positive for WD40

solvista

zing

I had three girlfriends, but wasn't sure which one to marry. So I decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one went out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and comes back to my place and says, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." I was very touched and aroused, and we had lots of great sex.

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and brings them back to me as gifts. This sweet girl looked into my eyes and said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." I watched my new television with great enjoyment!

The third one takes the $5000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returns the original $5000 to me and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." She has enough to buy me a new boat.

I thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

forrie_x

A woman goes to see her doctor and says, "Oh doctor, i have the most terrible problem. Every time I open my legs, my vagina starts singing 'You'll Never Walk Alone"
"Oh, thats nothing to worry about," replied the doctor, "Most C*nts sing that song..."

SiYuan

I think i've probably seen that a thousand times in this thread alone.

forrie_x

apologies, i havent read the 23 pages of the thread...
maybe i will one day...

zing

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.
The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

relx

SiYuan

Yo mama so fat, when she blinks, her eyelids clap!

anver

Subject: Horace visits Paddy
To:

Horace the Englishman visits his friend Paddy the Irishman
who has a broken
leg.

Paddy says 'Jaysus me feet are freezin, cud ya nip
upstairs and get me
slippers?'

'No bother' says Horace.

Upstairs Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin
daughters are sitting on
their bed.

'Hello girls, your dad sent me up here to shag you
both'.

'Feck off ya liar' they say.

'I'll prove it' says Horace. So he shouts
downstairs, 'Both of them Paddy'?

'Of course, wot's the point o' focking
one!'

UnitedRoadRed

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into
the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices
that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,
'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me
drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd
never gone to work that morning.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting
the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God,
I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but
the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on
the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
limo going a hundred and five.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'He's got the f**ing Pope as a chauffeur!'

anver

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puffcompleted its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

'What happened?' he exclaimed. 'The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button'.

'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'

MEN NEVER LISTEN

Ander8on

A Vicar books into a hotel and says to the hotel clerk "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled" she says "no sir, its just regular porn, you sick bastard".

Pablo76

Abit long winded but this is one of the funniest jokes i've ever heard....

A woman goes to the butchers with the biggest smile on her face and a skip in her step "good morning mr butcher" she says, "good morning, what makes you so happy today" replies the butcher. "Well its my birthday today and i'm very happy" she says. "Well how old are you" asks the butcher, "well how old do you think i am" she says, "about 46/47" he says, "Noooooooo" says the woman delighted "i'm 61! " , "you never are" says the butcher , and with that she leaves happier still.
She then goes into the bakers. "good morning mr baker" , "good morning and what makes you so happy" says the baker. "Well its my birthday today and the butcher has just guessed my age years younger than i am" "well how old are you" says the baker, "well how old do you think i am" she replies , "about 51/52" says the baker. "Noooooo" say the woman "i'm 61!" , and with that she leaves to get the bus home.
At the bus stop a man is also waiting and he sees her obvous joy and says " good morning , you look awfully happy today" the woman is overjoyed "good morning , well its my birthday today and the butcher and the baker have both guessed my age years younger than i am" , !"well ho old are you" asks the man "well how old do you think i am" she says.
"Well , its a hard job telling with my eyesight as bad as it is , but if i could just touch the skin on your face i may be able to tell" says the man , and with that he does. Soon he has his hands on her face up behind her ears down to her neck then onto her chest , then hes rubbing her tits , then down to her belly before long hes got his hands up around her fanny ....."61 " he says.
" how ever did you guess says the woman ?

















"I was behind you in the butchers"

ERICSAGOD

Richard Branson was about to step in to become the new sponsor of Spurs.

He backed out at the last minute when he realised that his ''Virgin'' logo would be appearing on the shirts of a team that gets fcuked every week!

Redlambs

What's black and screams like fuck?



Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

muller

While were on Stevie Wonder.. Have you ever seen his kids?

Nah, neithers he.

anver

Thats why he always wonders.

muller

He got a cheese grater for christmas once.

Most violent book he'd ever read.

esmufc07

Took me a while to get it!

sammymc

well as ancient stevie wonder jokes seem to be the order of the day

Whats Stevie Wonders favourite colour?


Corduroy.




whats the fastest thing on land?


stevie wonders speedboat

PJ

It shouldn't be, but this is one of my favourite jokes!

Slevin

I always got told the iron one like

"What goes ring ring AHHHH"

"Stevie Wonder answering the iron"

solvista

A farmer in Devon has managed to grow a field full of dildos. "We're having a lot of problems with squatters." He reported.

solvista

The new craze in my local is to fill a girls cunt with vodka and drink it out with a straw.

Local health chiefs are warning against the dangers of minge drinking.

Sultan

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the
Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with
the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to
the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
Question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
"What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying
To trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now
and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins
from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the
Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete pr1ck".

UnitedRoadRed

I had the wife in stitches last night. That'll teach her to over-cook my steak.

---------------

Babies - the worst kind of STD

---------------

Kids eh?

My son said earlier, "Dad, can we go to McDonald's?"

I said, "you can if you can spell it."

He replied, "fuck it, let's go to KFC"

UnitedRoadRed

Dear Jonathan Ross,

I've just shagged your daughter. Who's laughing now?

Lots of love,

Gary Glitter x

UnitedRoadRed

The RSPCA have acted very quickly after recent incidents at the Emirates Stadium.

If you see an Arsenal fan with a dog please ask them to call 0800 4-2 4-3 4-4 for free advice on how to hold onto a lead.

Red Hand Devil

Whats the difference between Light & Hard?





You can sleep with the light on