Jokes

Huseyin10 · 22nd March 2006, 19:00

@ the robot one

bigjet66 · 22nd March 2006, 23:55

Whats more dangerous than a dog who has aids?

The guy who gave it to him.

WelshRed · 23rd March 2006, 08:17

> Tony Blair was visiting a school and was asked by a teacher if he would

like

> to lead the discussion on what constituted a "tragedy".

> So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

> One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives on a

> farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him,

> that would be a tragedy."

> "No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."

> A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove

> over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

> "I'm afraid not," explained the P.M. "That's what we would call a great

> loss."

> The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Blair searched the

> room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"

> Finally, at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet

> voice he said: "If an aircraft carrying you, Mr. Blair, was struck by a

> "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

> "Fantastic!" exclaimed Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that

> would be a tragedy?"

> "Well," says the little boy, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly

> wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident."

kkcbl · 25th March 2006, 16:32

kkcbl · 26th March 2006, 09:43

Bird Flu :

Jacqueline_S · 27th March 2006, 09:19

reminds me of this

Jacqueline_S · 27th March 2006, 09:22

robthered · 27th March 2006, 13:16

Man breaks in to a house, ties up the husband and wife on the bed. He jumps on the wife, kisses her ear, then runs to the bathroom.

The husband tells his wife "You'd better give him what he wants or he'll kill us both. I saw the way he kissed you, just be strong. It'll be over soon, I love you".

The wife replies "Actually he didn't kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he's gay. He wanted to know where the vaseline was so I told him it's in the bathroom, let's see who's fucking strong now"

robthered · 27th March 2006, 13:19

A woman from my past called me up last night. It's been years since our affair but I've never forgotten the way she looked, the amazing sex and the things we used to do to each other... imagine how I felt when she suggested we picked up where we left off.

I felt I should be honest and explained I wasn't the man she once knew, having gain a spare tyre and a bald patch. She giggled girlishly and said not to worry as she too had put on a few pounds....

So I told her to fuck off

robthered · 27th March 2006, 13:21

Read an article last night about the dangers of heavy drinking, really scared the shit out of me...

So that's it, I've decided from today on, no more reading

Looking Busy · 29th March 2006, 00:15

Quote:

Originally Posted by WelshRed

> Tony Blair was visiting a school and was asked by a teacher if he would

like

> to lead the discussion on what constituted a "tragedy".

> So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

> One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives on a

> farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him,

> that would be a tragedy."

> "No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."

> A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove

> over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

> "I'm afraid not," explained the P.M. "That's what we would call a great

> loss."

> The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Blair searched the

> room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"

> Finally, at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet

> voice he said: "If an aircraft carrying you, Mr. Blair, was struck by a

> "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

> "Fantastic!" exclaimed Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that

> would be a tragedy?"

> "Well," says the little boy, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly

> wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident."

That was originally about George Bush Jnr

Looking Busy · 29th March 2006, 00:15

Dear IRS,

Enclosed is my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.

Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600 for a toilet seat.

I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029), bringing my total remitted to $3429.00.

Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.

You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 5.5" Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws enclosed for your convenience.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A Satisfied Taxpayer

kkcbl · 29th March 2006, 07:39

Good Joke For Christian Posters Here :

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly, God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT!!

I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for 2hours, and from those results, I will judge who deserves the better job". So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports. They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone!
It's all GONE!! I lost everything when the power went! out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past 2 hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed.
"That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't
have any?"

God just shrugged and said.....
(scroll down..... your gonna love this one)

V

V

V

V

V
"JESUS SAVES!"

bigjet66 · 2nd April 2006, 01:48

kkcbl · 2nd April 2006, 16:22

Mom's Cooking

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mum, I have something to tell you, I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mum, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!"

kkcbl · 3rd April 2006, 10:04

How to explain the off-side rule to a woman...

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop
assistant, on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which
you must have. The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and
is eyeing them with desire.

Both of you have forgotten your purses. It would be totally rude to push
in front of the first woman if you hadno money to pay for the shoes. The
shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop
and sees your dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other
shopper and buy the shoes.

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and,
whilst it is in flight you could nip around the other shopper, catch the
purse and buy the shoes, always remembering that until the purse had
actually been thrown it would be just plain wrong to push in front of
the other shopper.

Stretch · 3rd April 2006, 17:07

Chuck Norris sleeps with men, not because he's gay, because he ran out of women to sleep with.

Chuck Norris' mom called him Charlie once....once!

Chuck Norris once shot down a German plane by simply sayin 'Bang'!

pete_8 · 4th April 2006, 11:03

Three men are sitting in a room smoking cannabis. After a few spliffs they run out of gear.
One of the men stands up and says,
"Look, we've got loads more tobacco, I'll just nip into the kitchen and make one of my speciality spliffs."

Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some cumin, turmeric and a couple of other spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them into a spliff.

On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag. Within seconds he passes out. Ten minutes go by and he's still out cold, so they decide to take him to the hospital.

On arrival he is wheeled into intensive care. The doctor returns to his friends and asks,
"So what was he doing then? Cannabis?"

Well sort of," replies one of the guys, "But we ran out of gear, so I made a home-made spliff."
"Oh" replies the doctor, "so what did you put in it?"
"Um, a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices."
The doctor sighs, "Well that explains it."
"Why, what's wrong with him?" demands one of the men.
The doctor replies, "He's in a korma."

London_Red · 4th April 2006, 21:14

http://images.google.co.uk/images?q=...e_2/church.jpg

kkcbl · 5th April 2006, 07:20

All rape charges against Ronaldo have been dropped.

Medical experts were unable to obtain a sperm sample from the woman;
apparently he dribbled a lot but didn't get into the box.

very Ruud · 8th April 2006, 17:50

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with >hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That soundslike Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because
he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

=============================================

Q: why is it such a tradgedy when a Vauxhall nova with 3 chavs crashes over a cliff

A: A vauxhall Nova has 5 seats

=============================================

Popped in to my local for an early pint and, apart from the barman and myself, the place was empty.

Anyway, got my pint and sat down and then the barman called over: "I'm just going down to the cellar to change a barrel and if you want another pint, just yell out and I'll come up"

Settled down with my pint, the newspaper and rolled myself a cigarette when, out of nowhere a voice said: "You're looking handsome tonight"

I put down my newspaper, looked around but nobody was there and, thinking I imagined it, I carried on reading my paper. A few minutes later I heard: "I love your jacket and that tie really matches your shirt".

Once again I looked around but, apart from me, there was no body else in the bar.

I just started to take a swig from my pint when I heard: "Your hair has been styled nicely and that aftershave is really atractive"

At that point I jumped up, just as the barman came up from the cellar, and I asked him if it was him making the comments.

"What comments?" he asked and I explained what had happened and what had been said.

"Oh that!" he laughed, "That'll be the dish of peanuts on your table"

"Peanuts!" I retorted, "What the hell has it to do with peanuts?!"

To which he replied: "It's because they're complimentary!"

Dick Chambers · 12th April 2006, 13:13

Why did the blonde jump off the bridge??

Because she was clinically depressed & took her own life because of her terribly low self esteem.

golden_blunder · 13th April 2006, 16:13

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
The job was only so-so anyhow.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

very Ruud · 14th April 2006, 11:10

David Beckham, Sol Campbell and Kirsty Gallagher went for a night on the
town after a football awards night, as they left the night-club, Kirsty
slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence
opposite the club. Beckham decided to take full advantage of this and
lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a
good seeing to.

"Its your turn now, Sol" grinned David, but Campbell started crying.

David asked "Why are you crying, Sol? What's wrong?"

Campbell sobbed "My head won't fit between the railings"

golden_blunder · 14th April 2006, 11:11

heffa · 14th April 2006, 15:46

Knock Kock
Whos there
Little boy Blue
little boy blue who
Micheal Jackson .
Q. What is the difference between Everton and a taxi
A. A taxi only carries 4.

WelshRed · 14th April 2006, 15:56

My ex-girlfriend once said i was like a panda...

Eat Shoots and Leaves!s

ManUtdRed · 16th April 2006, 19:23

..

./|
|.|\...............

..|=D..--------
../\....\..........|
.|.| __|..........\_

very Ruud · 16th April 2006, 19:25

Stop posting that crap.

22nd March 2006, 19:00	#121 (permalink)
Huseyin10 First Team Sub Join Date: May 2004 Location: "I Don't Want To Be Compared To Anyone, I'd Like To Impose My Own Style Of play And Do The Best For Myself And For My Club" - Cristiano Ronaldo Posts: 8,895	@ the robot one

22nd March 2006, 23:55	#122 (permalink)
bigjet66 Banned Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: In yesterday's oppressed, today's agressors Posts: 1,998	Whats more dangerous than a dog who has aids? The guy who gave it to him.

23rd March 2006, 08:17	#123 (permalink)
WelshRed Banned Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Gashout Posts: 7,330	> Tony Blair was visiting a school and was asked by a teacher if he would like > to lead the discussion on what constituted a "tragedy". > So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy". > One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives on a > farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, > that would be a tragedy." > "No," said Blair, "that would be an accident." > A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove > over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." > "I'm afraid not," explained the P.M. "That's what we would call a great > loss." > The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Blair searched the > room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?" > Finally, at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet > voice he said: "If an aircraft carrying you, Mr. Blair, was struck by a > "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy." > "Fantastic!" exclaimed Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that > would be a tragedy?" > "Well," says the little boy, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly > wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident."

25th March 2006, 16:32	#124 (permalink)
kkcbl First Team Sub Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Singapore Posts: 7,912

26th March 2006, 09:43	#125 (permalink)
kkcbl First Team Sub Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Singapore Posts: 7,912	Bird Flu :

27th March 2006, 09:19	#126 (permalink)
Jacqueline_S Banned Jackie Chan lookalike Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Luzern Posts: 6,041	reminds me of this

27th March 2006, 09:22	#127 (permalink)
Jacqueline_S Banned Jackie Chan lookalike Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Luzern Posts: 6,041

27th March 2006, 13:16	#128 (permalink)
robthered Reserve Team Player Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: PhD Purgatory Posts: 1,367	Man breaks in to a house, ties up the husband and wife on the bed. He jumps on the wife, kisses her ear, then runs to the bathroom. The husband tells his wife "You'd better give him what he wants or he'll kill us both. I saw the way he kissed you, just be strong. It'll be over soon, I love you". The wife replies "Actually he didn't kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he's gay. He wanted to know where the vaseline was so I told him it's in the bathroom, let's see who's fucking strong now"

27th March 2006, 13:19	#129 (permalink)
robthered Reserve Team Player Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: PhD Purgatory Posts: 1,367	A woman from my past called me up last night. It's been years since our affair but I've never forgotten the way she looked, the amazing sex and the things we used to do to each other... imagine how I felt when she suggested we picked up where we left off. I felt I should be honest and explained I wasn't the man she once knew, having gain a spare tyre and a bald patch. She giggled girlishly and said not to worry as she too had put on a few pounds.... So I told her to fuck off

27th March 2006, 13:21	#130 (permalink)
robthered Reserve Team Player Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: PhD Purgatory Posts: 1,367	Read an article last night about the dangers of heavy drinking, really scared the shit out of me... So that's it, I've decided from today on, no more reading

4th April 2006, 21:14	#139 (permalink)
London_Red I exist Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: London Posts: 2,335	http://images.google.co.uk/images?q=...e_2/church.jpg

14th April 2006, 11:11	#145 (permalink)
golden_blunder Grumpy Admin Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Swimming against a tide of shite Posts: 41,702

16th April 2006, 19:25	#149 (permalink)
very Ruud Spam, Spam, Spam.... Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Hard Rock Hallelujah !!! Posts: 20,760	Stop posting that crap.

29th March 2006, 00:15	#132 (permalink)
Looking Busy First Team Regular Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Between a bad girls thighs Posts: 22,154	Dear IRS, Enclosed is my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600 for a toilet seat. I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029), bringing my total remitted to $3429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 5.5" Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws enclosed for your convenience.) It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. Sincerely, A Satisfied Taxpayer

29th March 2006, 07:39	#133 (permalink)
kkcbl First Team Sub Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Singapore Posts: 7,912	Good Joke For Christian Posters Here : Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly, God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT!! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for 2hours, and from those results, I will judge who deserves the better job". So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports. They did every job known to man. Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE!! I lost everything when the power went! out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past 2 hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?" God just shrugged and said..... (scroll down..... your gonna love this one) V V V V V "JESUS SAVES!"

2nd April 2006, 01:48	#134 (permalink)
bigjet66 Banned Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: In yesterday's oppressed, today's agressors Posts: 1,998

2nd April 2006, 16:22	#135 (permalink)
kkcbl First Team Sub Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Singapore Posts: 7,912	Mom's Cooking A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mum, I have something to tell you, I'm gay." His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?" The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mum, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!"

3rd April 2006, 10:04	#136 (permalink)
kkcbl First Team Sub Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Singapore Posts: 7,912	How to explain the off-side rule to a woman... You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant, on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have. The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses. It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you hadno money to pay for the shoes. The shop assistant remains at the till waiting. Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you. If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes. At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, whilst it is in flight you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes, always remembering that until the purse had actually been thrown it would be just plain wrong to push in front of the other shopper.

3rd April 2006, 17:07	#137 (permalink)
Stretch Reserve Team Player Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: The Mother City Posts: 1,822	Chuck Norris sleeps with men, not because he's gay, because he ran out of women to sleep with. Chuck Norris' mom called him Charlie once....once! Chuck Norris once shot down a German plane by simply sayin 'Bang'!

4th April 2006, 11:03	#138 (permalink)
pete_8 Reserve Team Player Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Birmingham and Manchester Posts: 2,399	Three men are sitting in a room smoking cannabis. After a few spliffs they run out of gear. One of the men stands up and says, "Look, we've got loads more tobacco, I'll just nip into the kitchen and make one of my speciality spliffs." Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some cumin, turmeric and a couple of other spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them into a spliff. On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag. Within seconds he passes out. Ten minutes go by and he's still out cold, so they decide to take him to the hospital. On arrival he is wheeled into intensive care. The doctor returns to his friends and asks, "So what was he doing then? Cannabis?" Well sort of," replies one of the guys, "But we ran out of gear, so I made a home-made spliff." "Oh" replies the doctor, "so what did you put in it?" "Um, a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices." The doctor sighs, "Well that explains it." "Why, what's wrong with him?" demands one of the men. The doctor replies, "He's in a korma."

5th April 2006, 07:20	#140 (permalink)
kkcbl First Team Sub Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Singapore Posts: 7,912	All rape charges against Ronaldo have been dropped. Medical experts were unable to obtain a sperm sample from the woman; apparently he dribbled a lot but didn't get into the box.

8th April 2006, 17:50	#141 (permalink)
very Ruud Spam, Spam, Spam.... Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Hard Rock Hallelujah !!! Posts: 20,760	1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. 2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..." 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. 7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off". 8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle. 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. 10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with >hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. 11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." 12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That soundslike Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual." 13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy" 14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start." 15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom! 16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' 18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin. 19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!" 20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. 21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice." 22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore" 23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night ============================================= Q: why is it such a tradgedy when a Vauxhall nova with 3 chavs crashes over a cliff A: A vauxhall Nova has 5 seats ============================================= Popped in to my local for an early pint and, apart from the barman and myself, the place was empty. Anyway, got my pint and sat down and then the barman called over: "I'm just going down to the cellar to change a barrel and if you want another pint, just yell out and I'll come up" Settled down with my pint, the newspaper and rolled myself a cigarette when, out of nowhere a voice said: "You're looking handsome tonight" I put down my newspaper, looked around but nobody was there and, thinking I imagined it, I carried on reading my paper. A few minutes later I heard: "I love your jacket and that tie really matches your shirt". Once again I looked around but, apart from me, there was no body else in the bar. I just started to take a swig from my pint when I heard: "Your hair has been styled nicely and that aftershave is really atractive" At that point I jumped up, just as the barman came up from the cellar, and I asked him if it was him making the comments. "What comments?" he asked and I explained what had happened and what had been said. "Oh that!" he laughed, "That'll be the dish of peanuts on your table" "Peanuts!" I retorted, "What the hell has it to do with peanuts?!" To which he replied: "It's because they're complimentary!"

12th April 2006, 13:13	#142 (permalink)
Dick Chambers Big Gay Chin Lookalike Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dublin Posts: 1,332	Why did the blonde jump off the bridge?? Because she was clinically depressed & took her own life because of her terribly low self esteem.

13th April 2006, 16:13	#143 (permalink)
golden_blunder Grumpy Admin Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Swimming against a tide of shite Posts: 41,702	My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow. Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

14th April 2006, 11:10	#144 (permalink)
very Ruud Spam, Spam, Spam.... Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Hard Rock Hallelujah !!! Posts: 20,760	David Beckham, Sol Campbell and Kirsty Gallagher went for a night on the town after a football awards night, as they left the night-club, Kirsty slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club. Beckham decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good seeing to. "Its your turn now, Sol" grinned David, but Campbell started crying. David asked "Why are you crying, Sol? What's wrong?" Campbell sobbed "My head won't fit between the railings"

14th April 2006, 15:46	#146 (permalink)
heffa Big cow? Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Melbourne, Australia Posts: 5,634	Knock Kock Whos there Little boy Blue little boy blue who Micheal Jackson . Q. What is the difference between Everton and a taxi A. A taxi only carries 4.

14th April 2006, 15:56	#147 (permalink)
WelshRed Banned Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Gashout Posts: 7,330	My ex-girlfriend once said i was like a panda... Eat Shoots and Leaves!s

16th April 2006, 19:23	#148 (permalink)
ManUtdRed Banned Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: I am a twat! Posts: 4,672	.. ./\| \|.\|\............... ..\|=D..-------- ../\....\..........\| .\|.\| __\|..........\_

16th April 2006, 19:26	#150 (permalink)
ManUtdRed Banned Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: I am a twat! Posts: 4,672