Jokes

wancolos

That was poor.

No make that extremely poor...

heffa

I agree wancolos it was pretty poor.
Here's a pretty average joke
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A blonde goes into a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman,"I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assured her that they had a large selection of pink curtains. He showed her several patterns,but the blonde seemed to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally, she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman asked what size curtains she needed.

The blonde replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches??", asked the salesman, "that sounds very small. What room are they for?" The blonde says, "Oh, they are not for any room - they are for my computer monitor."

The surprised salesman replies, "But, Miss, computers do not have curtains."

The blonde says, " Hellooooooooo - I've got Windows."

Here's a good one
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A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and the officer walked up to the car.

The female police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman "What does a driver's license look like?"

Irritated, the blonde cop said "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle."

Small Paul

A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there were only 3 survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre..........

They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

Afters several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killedherself...............

It was very tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took its inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing.

So.......



























..........They buried her

Rehash

Arrghahahahahaha!

Stuff the Goat

4 people sharing the same compartment on a train.....a Manc(male), a Scouser(male), a beautiful Blonde, & an Old Lady.....

Just after the train was in darkness, after entering a tunnel, a very loud "slap-across-the-face" type sound was heard....

When the train re-emerged into daylight, the Scouser had an extremely red Jaw........ Nobody spoke, but these were each of their thoughts !

The Scouser;" They think I fondled the blonde, so she slapped me in the face" !

The Blonde; " I bet he fondled the Old Lady, thinking it was me, so she slapped him in the face" !

The Old Lady; " He must have fondled the Blonde, so she smacked him in the face" !

The Manc; " I can't wait till we go into another tunnel, so I can give that Scouse B**tard another slap on the face " !

heffa

Very funny Stuff the Goat.

Looking Busy

A nun is sat on a train when a skinhead gets on and sit opposite her.
The skinhead opens a bag of prawns and starts biting in to them and then throwing them at the nun.
The nun picks up the remains, throws them out of the window and then pulls the emergency cord.
The skinhead looks at her and says, "you'll get fined £50 for that"
The nun looks at the skinhead and says, "yeah but when i shout rape and the police smell your fingers you'll get 10 years you cunt."

heffa

Some of the jokes on this thread are good anyone else have any good ones?

Ern

I have some very bad ones...

heffa

Off you go then.

jatin

Boy Vs. Girl for withdrawing cash from ATM machine....

How a BOY withdraws cash from ATM
?
1. Park the car
2. Go to ATM Machine
3. Insert card
4. Enter PIN
5. Take money out
6. Take ATM Card out
7. Drive away
?
How a GIRL withdraws cash from ATM
?
1. Park the car
2. Check makeup
3. Turn off engine
4. Check makeup
5. Go to ATM
6. Hunt for ATM card in the purse
7. Insert card
8. Hit Cancel
9. Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it
10. Insert card
11. Enter PIN
12. Take cash
13. Go to car
14. Check makeup
15. Start car
16. Stop car
17. Run back to ATM
18. Take ATM card
19. Back to car
20. Check makeup
21. Start car
22. Check makeup
23. Drive for 1/2 mile
24. Release handbrake
25. Drive on. !!!!!

wancolos

Hehe

kkcbl

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.


'Fooking get in there you coont!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the fooking manager of this pigsshyte middle class waank hole please you coont', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says

'Yes you can you fat piece of shyte, I saw your poxxy advert in the coonting window and I'm here to audition.....waanker.'



The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'

'That song, you big nosed fookwit, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just jiizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the bitch is blind...'

'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".'

'Waanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title.

'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the shytebox you get craap on your bellend.'

'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?'

'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".

'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'

'Fook it' says the pianist 'Why not'.

On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and

Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.

She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your dick is hanging out of your trousers, and spuunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'


'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I fooking wrote it !!!

Lee Com

ronaldhino went to the dentist,
dentist said do you want me to pull out those teeth?
ronaldhino replies, no their out far enough.........

SiYuan

A Polish man moved to the U.S. and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well, until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him, "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Lawyer: "Have you any grounds?"
Polish Man: "Ja, Ja, acre and half and nice little home."
Lawyer: "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
Polish Man: "It made of concrete."
Lawyer: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
Polish Man: "No, we have carport, and not need one."
Lawyer: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
Polish Man: "All my relations still in Poland."
Lawyer: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
Polish Man: "Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."
Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?"
Polish Man: "No, I always up before her."
Lawyer: "Is your wife a nagger?"
Polish Man: "No, she white."
Lawyer: "Why do you want this divorce?"
Polish Man: "She going to kill me."
Lawyer: "What makes you think that?"
Polish Man: "I got proof.
Lawyer: "What kind of proof?"
Polish Man: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read and it say, Polish Remover."

fredthered

David Backham and Posh get invited round to Ronaldos for supper, and they are sat talking around the table when Posh spots a nice picture on the wall.

"thats a nice picture" she says.

"Yes it is nice" said Ronaldo "its an original Constable"

"Constable" pipes up Beckham " I met him once when I was a trainee at United. I got on the 34 bus outside Old Trafford and he was on it and we talked about his paintings"

Posh spice goes red with fury and boots him under the table before saying "come on its time to go".

In the car Beckham says

"what the hells wrong with you... Why did you kick me like that"

"Because you made us look very stupid David. I cant believe you came out with such a pack of blatant lies."

"how do you know I was lying" says Beckham..

"OF COURSE YOU WERE FUCKING LYING " says Posh. "EVERYONE KNOWS THE 34 DOESNT GO PAST OLD TRAFFORD"..

jasonrh

fredthered.

Ern

So funnieee

Small Paul

A bloke loses his leg in a gold mining accident......

"Im fucked now!!" he says.

"Who'd want a one legged gold digger?"


"ME" says Paul McCartney.

massey

The labour party have today changed their emblem from a rose to a condom as it more accurately reflects their political stance.A condom allows for inflation,halts production,destroys the next generation,protects a bunch of pricks,and gives you a sense of security while you are being fucked!

TuTuHimm

Little Johnny saw his mother baking cookies and asked if he could have some, she said no, and he asked why and she said „because you don't have any arms“ When Johnny went to sleep that night he prayed to god to give him arms because then he would get some cookies from his mother, then there came this bright light and an angel appears above him with two arms and the angel says: „Here Johnny, catch“

golden_blunder

what do you call a black man flying a plane?













the pilot

(racist fuckers for thinking otherwise)

Nialler

As part of her divorce settlement Heather Mills McCartney will receive a plane from her soon to be ex-husband Paul. She will however continue to use Immac on her other leg.

utdalltheway

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over
10
years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's
certainly
not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule
out
the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there
emerged from
the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear
and the
top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,

"Tell me, how long has it been since ye had a good cigar."
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over
and
unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and
pulled
out a fresh package of cigars.
He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah,"
said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke
can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish
Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a
pocket there and removes a flask
and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis
nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long
front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the
trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played
around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in
there, too!"

Livvie

*A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The
frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you
wish or, your husband will get ....... times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be
the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do
realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome
man that ever lived, an Adonis whom women will swoon over and flock
to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most
beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM!!! - She's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said,"That will make your husband the richest man in the
world by far. And he will be ten times richer than you. "The woman
said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is
mine."

So, KAZAM!!! - She's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and after careful
consideration she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

ATTENTION female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
here and continue feeling good........

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!! Moral of
the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let
them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

crappycraperson

That's sexist ...

Huseyin10

very Ruud

Justin