Jokes

Livvie

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world?

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, slaps his wife on the arse, and says, "You're next fatty."

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Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm, and says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." The wife replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep." Says the man, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase, and asks what she's doing.

She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."

The husband starts packing too, and when she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too - I want to see how you live on £800 a year."


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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a lettuce, some tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon. As she unloaded it all on to the belt, she noticed that a drunk was watching intently. After he while, he said "I'll bet you are single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by his intuition as she was indeed single. She looked at the items she'd bought and saw nothing to indicate her marital status. Curiousity got the better of her and she said "Well, you know what - you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you guess?"

"You're firggin' ugly," replied the drunk.

ellie brown

The new Men's Thesaurus - on sale now at your local book stores!:

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

ellie brown

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.

He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.

ellie brown

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.

"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"
"Man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.

But... he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.

He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great!" says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...
So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.
Just remember, it's our little secret...
You know, woman to woman."

ellie brown

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down.

3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.

18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.

25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
26. No, it does not matter which quiz.

27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.

31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.

33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.

37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
40. If it itches, it will be scratched.
41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.

43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.

46. What the hell is a doily?

ellie brown

Santa's Reindeer are girls and here's the proof:

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer, each year male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer,every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen . . . had to be a girl!

We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fatman in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost!

very Ruud

Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?"

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

very Ruud

At a press conference with Paul McCartney, one reporter asked "Following your divorce, do you think you'll ever go down on one knee again?"

After a slight pause, Paul McCartney replied "I'm not sure, but I'd prefer if you called her Heather"

very Ruud

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, "Gonzales said. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.

They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

Livvie

A train hits a busload of Catholic schoolgirls and they all perish. They are all queuing at the pearly gates, and St. Peter asks the first, "Maria - have you ever had contact with a male organ?"

She giggled and replied shyly, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter said, "OK - then you must dip the tip of that finger into the Holy Water as you pass through the gates."

Peter then asked the next girl the same question, and she replied, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one."

"OK," said St. Peter, "Then you must immerse that whole hand into the holy water and pass through the gates."

Suddenly, there is a lot of commotion in the queue, and a girl pushes her way to the front.

Peter says, "Lisa - what's the rush??"

Replies Lisa, "Well if I've got to gargle with that water, I'm doing it before Jessica gets her arse in it."

k-standred

very Ruud

Class!

kkcbl

Livvie

Wrong forum.

Should be in Current Events.

p_ps_sock

Seven year old Johnny was sat in the park eating mars bars one after the other.

An elderly gentleman walked over to him and said "ohhh, you shouldn't eat all that at once, it's bad for you, especially at your age"

Little johnny replied "well my grandad lived till he was 91"

The old man said "what, and he ate loads of mars bars every day?"

"No" said little Johnny "he minded his own fucking business"

p_ps_sock

p_ps_sock

Robbie Fowler is being driven home by his driver down country lanes when there is a thud. The driver pulls over and goes to check what it was. He comes back with a dead cat in his arms, "we ran over a cat Robbie." "Well, is there a tag or something on him so we can let his owners know?" The driver looked but all's he could see was the cats collar with the word "CUNT" written on it but no address. The only house he could see was a farm house about a mile over the fields so he tells Robbie that he's off to the house to let them know whats happened.

About four hours later the driver staggers back over the field holding 2 bottles of jack daniels and a big smile on his face, Robbie's not impressed, "where the hell have you been" he says. "Well the farmer gave me these bottles of jack daniels, his wife cooked me the most amazing 5 course meal I've ever had, and his daughter made mad passionate love to me for two full hours." Robbie's obviously confused "What did you say to them?" he says. "Well, I knocked on the door and the farmer answered, and I said 'I'm Robbie Fowlers driver and I just killed the cunt'."

kkcbl

Oops - I thought I clicked 'Current Events'?

How did end up under 'Jokes'?

p_ps_sock

This isn't a joke but a simple fact:

In wales it was traditional for a man, when proposing marriage, to carve his beloved a wooden spoon, hence the phrase 'to get the wooden spoon' for finishing last or otherwise failing miserably

very Ruud

Posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the six o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below.

Posh turns to Becks and says, "David, I bet you £5,000 that he jumps!"
To which Beckham replies, "£5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't." So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching. Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud. Beckham takes £5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh. But she refuses. "I can't take your money, David," she says. "The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump."

"No, babe, fair's fair," says David. "That money is yours fair and square I was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too. I just didn't think he would do it again."

Huseyin10

Heard it a million times. Getting boring now...

very Ruud

Posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the six o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below.

Posh turns to Becks and says, "David, I bet you £5,000 that he jumps!"
To which Beckham replies, "£5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't." So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching. Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud. Beckham takes £5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh. But she refuses. "I can't take your money, David," she says. "The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump."

"No, babe, fair's fair," says David. "That money is yours fair and square I was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too. I just didn't think he would do it again."



Make that 1 000 001 times

very Ruud

Fuck sake!

EspadaYdaga

man : doctor doctor my wife thinks she's an orange

doctor: why didn't you bring her with you?

man: I did, she's in my pocket

Hassan

Having lost his donkey a man, got down to his knees and started thanking God.

A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; why are you thanking God?"

The man replied "I am thanking him for that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time"