Jokes

redguson

wolfshead

bluerinho is a retard

redguson

Hot murmur!!!



Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc. 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

redguson

Upgrading to Wife 1.0


Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pub Night 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).

Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

* A "don't remind me again" button.
* Minimize button.
* Ability to delete the "headache" file
* An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 versions without loss of other system resources.
* An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.

I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first; otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!

VIRUS ALERT

All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MS Money files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications (such as Laplink) between the two systems.

FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!

marcosdeto

Ok rhino, i`m glad you just been promoted, as long as you take your yellow and red pills.

Jon

Good ol' wife 1.0 jokes,never get old.

redguson

Do this step by step..

1) Visit www.google.com

2) Click on "Language Tools"

3) Type "Britney's mom is very nice" in the Translate Text box.

4) Select "English to Spanish" in the combo below.

5) Press Translate and wait for the translation.

6) Now copy the translated text from the above text and paste it in the Translate text box below.

7) Select "Spanish to English" in the combo below.

Jiggs'Hamstring

ha!

ffurby

"The mother of Britney is very pleasant"

Wow, Bluerinho, you're fucking hysterical.

redguson

Harold_Giles

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v4...ce_Button2.jpg

Button seriously injured in a F1 accident.




P.S. I'm not very funny.

Rossi19

Made me laugh

Dark Devil

May have been posted before, can't be botherd to check:

A van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Gooner he would see strutting down the side of the road in their crappy old red and white shirts.

He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest "where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to say mass at St. Joseph's church, about 2 miles down the road" replied the priest.

"No problem Father. I'll give you a lift. Climb in!" The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road.

Suddenly the driver saw a Gooner walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the dingle.

However even though he was certain he missed him, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said "I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that Gooner."

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got the idiot with the door!"

snootyjim

I remember reading that somewhere here, but it's still good

heffa

It's almost as tragic as the what's green and red and goes round and round? joke.

ellie brown

Hormones
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his hands

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's License in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!

Do him a favour and pass him a copy.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty Quid.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff........And my favourite one...
13. Potential Murder Suspect

Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who Might need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning! And remember: Money talks...but chocolate sings.

kkcbl

It was the first day of school in America, and a new student name Chandrashekhar Subrahmanyam entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. "

Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death¡"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.


Very good. Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth"

Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrashekhar.


The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do"


She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians!"


"Who said that?" she demanded.


Chandrashekhar put his hand up: "General Custer, 1862."


At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."


The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrashekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."


Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? S*ck this!"


Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"


Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."


Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."


The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're f**ked!"


And Chandrashekhar said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq, 2005."

ellie brown

oh YES! best one yet!

EspadaYdaga

this one's better


what sort of bees produce milk?













































































boobies

kkcbl

Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, and holding a staff.


President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?"


The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.


The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.


The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the President.The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?"

The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.


"Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak.


Watch!" Again thepresident yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.


The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"


The man leaned over and whispered back, "Yes, I am Moses. However, the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there is no oil."

heffa

That's reasonably funny kkcbl.
Anybody else know any good jokes?

Youngie

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into The Trafford Arms before the Celtic game and each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Irishman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Scotsman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "SPIT IT OOT, SPIT IT OOT YA BASTARD YE!!!"

heffa

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!" A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said, "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night." Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"

heffa

Frogs - $20


A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.

The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."

Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:

"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

heffa

The 6th grade science teacher asked her class, "which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered for a long time till little Mary stood up, angry, and said the teacher should not be asking 6th graders a question like that.

She was going to tell her parents, who would tell the principal who would fire the teacher!

The teacher ignored her and asked the question again, "which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Finally Billy stood up and said that the body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.

The teacher said "very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and said, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

1) you have a dirty mind,

2) you didn't read your homework, and

3) one day you will be very, very disappointed!

heffa

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)


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Answer:

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

**** Men keep scrolling.


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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

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By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen!

Broo