Jokes

Livvie

Did he ask George Washington if he could borrow it?

kkcbl

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.

He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks.

They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.

She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time all night.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed.

Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No, "she replies . . . "















"You just happened to catch my eye."

malcolm31337

Am i supposed to laugh?

kf

Here's one i just heard that made me snigger...

Bloke goes into a library and asks where the books on suicide are. The librarian directs him to the left and says "on the bottom shelf, over there".

After a while, the bloke returns and says "I can't find any books on suicide on that shelf."

"Well," says the librarian. "Nobody brings them back."

Barbara Charles

A few little chuckles on a quiet day:

Having sex is like playing bridge.
If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

Woody Allen

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for

a date on Saturday night.

Rodney Dangerfield

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase

sexual arousal, particularly in women.

Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

Camille Paglia

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation.

The other eight are unimportant."

George Burns

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"Women might be able to fake orgasms,

but men can fake a whole relationship."

Sharon Stone

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"Hockey is a sport for white men.

Basketball is a sport for black men.

Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

Tiger Woods

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me

a son-of-a-bitch."

Jack Nicholson

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or

where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex,

no matter how bad it is."

Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady,

and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Ah, yes, 'divorce', from the Latin word meaning

to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Robin Williams

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Women need a reason to have sex...

Men just need a place."

Billy Crystal

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more

comfortable undressing in front of men than they do

undressing in front of other women.

They say that women are too judgmental, where,

of course, men are just grateful."

Robert De Niro

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"There's a new medical crisis.

Doctors are reporting that many men are having

allergic reactions to latex condoms.

They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

Dustin Hoffman

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"There's very little advice in men's magazines,

because men think, 'I know what I'm doing.

Just show me somebody naked !"

Jerry Seinfeld

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"See, the problem is that, God gives men a brain and a penis,

and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"It's been so long since I've had sex,

I've forgotten who ties up whom."

Joan Rivers

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and

natural experiences money can buy."

Steve Martin

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until

you get older. Little things like being spanked every day

by a middle-aged woman.

Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

Elmo Phillips

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

" Bigamy is having one wife too many.

Monogamy is the same."

Oscar Wilde

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of

getting married."

George Burns

marcosdeto

some are excellent!

kkcbl

Subject The moral of the story........

Once upon a time, and far far away, lived a beautiful Queen with
voluptuous breasts.

Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be
death should he try to touch them.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.

Horatio the physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the
Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and
poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon
after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special
saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.

Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote
for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the
next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and
magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer
left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the
Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have
cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report
this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same
itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned
Nick the Dragon Slayer.........


The moral of the story........ Pay your bills

marcosdeto

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

Hectic

marcosdeto

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

marcosdeto

There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"

marcosdeto

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

marcosdeto

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

marcosdeto

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

marcosdeto

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

marcosdeto

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

zing

some brilliant ones

P.Head

What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

Rooney24

A Man says to his wife ''Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time''

She replies, ''Ok. Your cock is bigger than your brothers''

dirtygringo

Q: What would elvis be doing if he were alive today??




A: Scratching the lid of his coffin.

dirtygringo

The police found Mr Softy ice cream man dead in the back of his truck earlier today. His body was covered in chocolate sauce.


They say he tried to top himself.

stevetheskier

Dec 13th
My Dearest Darling John
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful romantic gift. Thank you my darling, for the lovely thought. With deep love and affection,
your ever loving Agnes.

Dec 14th
Dearest Darling John
Today the postman brought me your sweet gift. Two turtle doves. I am delighted. They are adorable. All my love,
your ever loving Agnes.

Dec 15th
Dearest John
Oh how extravagent you are ! I really must protest, I do not deserve such generosity. Three French hens. I insist you are too kind,
your loving Agnes.

Dec 16th
Dearest John
What can I say, four beautiful calling birds arrived with the postman this morning. Your kindness really is too much,
your loving Agnes.

Dec 17th
My Dearest John
What a surprise, today the postman delivered five gold rings, one for every finger. You really are an impossible boy but I love you. To be truthful all the birds are begining to squawk and get on my nerves,
your loving Agnes

Dec 18th
Dear John
When I opened the door this morning, there were actually six bloody great geese laying eggs all over the front step. What on earth do you think I can do with them all ? The neighbours are begining to complain and I can't sleep. Please stop,
love Agnes

Dec 19th
John
What is it with you and these sodding birds ? Now I get seven swans a-swanning. Is it some kind of joke ? The house is full of bird shit, and the racket .......... I'm becoming a nervous wreck. So it's not funny any more, stop sending bloody birds,
Agnes

Dec 20th
OK Buster
I think I prefer the birds, what the hell am I going to do with eight maidens milking ? As if it's not enough having all the birds, now I have eight cows shitting all over the house and mooing all night,
lay off, Agnes.

Dec 21st
Look craphead
What are you, some kind of nut ? Now I have nine pipers playing, and christ do they play! When they aren't playing their sodding pipes they are chasing the maids through the cow shit. The cows keep on mooing and treading all over the bloody birds and the neighbours are threatening to have me evicted,
get knotted Agnes.

Dec 22nd
You rotten bastard
Now we have ten ladies dancing. How on earth anyone can call these whores 'ladies' is beyond me. They're pulling the pipes all night long, the cows can't sleep and have now got diarrhoea, my living room is a sea of shit and the landlord has just declared the building unfit for habitation,
piss off Agnes.

Dec 23rd
Listen shit face
With eleven lords a-leaping all over the maids, we shall never walk again. The pipers are fighting the lords for the crumpet and committing sodomy with the cows. The birds are all dead and rotting, having been trampled in the orgy. I hope you are satisfied, swine,
your sworn enemy Agnes.

Dec 24th
You stinking lousy shit.
Twelve drummers drumming have teamed up with the pipers to make one hell of a bloody din. Both lots have been buggering the lords, as well as the cows, and who knows what has happened to the milk maids - they have probably drowned in the cow shit by now. The only way I can save myself from being screwed to death is by hiding up the sodding pear tree which has been so well fertilised that it has now grown through the roof. I send you seasonal greeting........bollocks
Agnes.

p_ps_sock

Little johnny was sat in the park quietly scoffing the first of his 6 mars bars.

A middle aged man looked on disapprovingly, and decided to go over and talk to little johnny.

"Hi little boy, do know that eating 6 mars bars a day will mean you die younger and have lots of health problems?"

Little johnny looked up from his chocolate frenzy, "well my grandad lived until he was 94". "Really", replied the stranger, "and he ate 6 mars bars a day?"

"No", said little johnny, "he minded his own fucking business."

marcosdeto

Broo

The last two are quality.

Freak

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell. Santa

************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

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Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 3, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the s**ts and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica


Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa

************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging s**t may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

************************************************** **
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams, Santa