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16th December 2006, 16:09
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#1 (permalink) |
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Manager
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: In the shadows fighting e-crime
Posts: 63,899
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The Redcafe Movie review thread
we'll keep this one stickied so that all the movie buffs can enjoy/add to
Clerks  Plot: A day in the lives of two convenience clerks named Dante and Randal as they annoy customers, discuss movies, and play hockey on the store roof. This is one of my favourite movies, arguably the best small budget movie made big. The argument over the merits of blowing up the Death star in star wars has to be one of the best bits of scripting. Likewise the guy blagging some quality toilet paper and a porn mag so that he can go for a wank in the toilets. Rating: 10/10 - they dont come much better than this |
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16th December 2006, 16:14
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#2 (permalink) |
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Manager
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: In the shadows fighting e-crime
Posts: 63,899
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Crank
 Plot: Professional assassin Chev Chelios (Statham) learns his rival (Cantillo) has injected him with a poison that will kill him if his heart rate drops. If youre looking for a movie to kill an hour and a half this is a good call. Forget the silly plot, enjoy the action. If his heart rate drops - he dies. The baldy fucker has to do all manner of dangerous things to keep his adrenalin kicking. He starts a racist fight in pub full of 'homies', shags his girlfriend in public in front of a bus of chinese tourists, steals, fills himself full of redbull, drugs etc whilst trying to find the bag guy. Rating: 7 out of 10. |
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16th December 2006, 17:48
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#3 (permalink) | |
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Trannie Lover
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 9,768
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In the past I've worked at both a video store and a conveniance store. I am Dante and the other cunt rolled into one. |
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16th December 2006, 18:01
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Hello Kevin
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Hong Kong
Posts: 5,393
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 Sounds like a great plot actually.
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16th December 2006, 18:29
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#6 (permalink) |
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Reserve Team Player
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: SolarX
Posts: 3,698
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 Tagline: No children. No future. No hope. Plot: (see trailer)  Oh, well : In 2027, in a chaotic world in which humans can no longer procreate, a former activist agrees to help transport a miraculously pregnant woman to a sanctuary at sea, where her child's birth may help scientists save the future of humankind.Opinion: It's a bit of a mix between Munich and Schindler's List here and there. Brilliant "dark atmosphere" of the future with lots of details for second viewing. The story is simple exactly the way it should be. Nasty, sad and full of desperation. But even this doesn't matter. This fecker - Alfonso Cuaron - makes Spielberg (Zemeckis too) look like a schoolboy. I can't imagine them making such shots like the scene with a car on the road. Even if it was just for that - I would've loved the movie, except there are two other 10min-scenes of a film apocalypse. trailer 9,1/10 |
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16th December 2006, 18:46
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#7 (permalink) | |
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'Shelbourne FC Supporter'
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Forza Shelbourne
Posts: 17,202
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16th December 2006, 19:14
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#11 (permalink) |
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I'd find it flattering if someone hard rubbed against me.
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 16,350
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 Plot: Mayan type fellows have their idyllic lives interrupted when a group of nasty savages decide to massacre their village and sacrifice them to a sun god, pregnant wife of hero remains in village in precarious situation. Pretty average film with no real idea's or invention, lots of stuff shamlessly taken from elsewhere, but with a little gore tossed in, lots of decapitated bodies and still beating hearts and animal testicles, all that, some impressive visuals involving all this gore, nice costumes, men in loinclothes bending over a lot, a woman gives birth underwater, unsettling, weirdo girl with long black hair gives some ominous warnings in an evil voice, people dive off waterfalls, dodge blurry weapons in slow motion and emerge slowly out of wet, steaming mud with quite threatening, murderous expressions on their face. Overall 5/10 |
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16th December 2006, 19:26
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#12 (permalink) |
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I'd find it flattering if someone hard rubbed against me.
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 16,350
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 Plot: Fisherman type fellow has his idyllic life interrupted when a group of African rebels decide to massacre his village and put him to work in some diamond mines. Pregnant wife and children find themselves in a perilous situation This is an enjoyable film but ultimately pretty average, DiCaprio is in fine form as an South African diamond smuggler who notices that fisherman found an insanely valuable red diamond and hid it somewhere. The fisherman is like 8ft tall, shouts and screams a lot and is built like a Soviet tank division, but DiCaprio pretty much just manhandles and slaps the shit out of him for the entire film until he *spoilers* finds the diamond. Jennifer Connolly appears as the American who informs everyone that they're doing wrong and costing people their lives and have to stop the madness, she doesn't really do anything in this film, she looks like she's aged very badly, I saw her in 'Dark Water' last and there she looked quite fit but here even memories of ass to ass can't save her, DiCaprio is the only dreamy figure here unless you like very large, submissive black men. 6/10 |
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16th December 2006, 19:29
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#13 (permalink) |
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Phones, soup, paint, chairs and computers are troubling.
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Where Albert Stubbins scored a diving header
Posts: 47,728
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Used to like Clerks when I was a teenager...saw it again a couple of years ago, what a piece of pretentious, self-regarding shite
Swingers is one of the worst films ever |
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16th December 2006, 19:46
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#15 (permalink) |
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Phones, soup, paint, chairs and computers are troubling.
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Where Albert Stubbins scored a diving header
Posts: 47,728
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The black screen bits with subtitles of terms from Greek tragedy, can fuck right off
As can calling the main character "Dante". You can do that shit if you really, really know your stuff...otherwise feck off The whole extended Star Wars discussion can also feck off, as can the eggs/marriage guidance counsellors thing The character of the video shop bloke is brilliant, especially when he reads out the porno titles, and gives kids fags |
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16th December 2006, 20:06
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#19 (permalink) |
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"It's like..."
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Flagg
Posts: 2,095
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Solaris
Plot: er... It's about some bloke, on a spaceship, who keeps imagining some dead bird he loves is with him, even though she isn't (or is she?(no)). This goes on for two hours. I watched it because the case had a spaceship on the cover, and looked cool. Rating: 1/10 Don't watch this film. Ever |
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16th December 2006, 20:07
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#20 (permalink) |
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Phones, soup, paint, chairs and computers are troubling.
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Where Albert Stubbins scored a diving header
Posts: 47,728
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Possibly
Seriously though, sticking up cards saying things like "apotheosis" and "Catharsis" and whatever...what a fecking up his own arse philosophy grad cunt |
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16th December 2006, 20:30
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#21 (permalink) |
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"It's like..."
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Flagg
Posts: 2,095
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Brazil
 Plot: Fairly old film, set in a twisted, yet somehow familiar future. Centered around a single character; a middle aged, run of the mill government worker, who's name I've forgotten. The film follows him, as he chases the girl of his dreams (literally), and becomes ever more caught up in a world of terrorism, cover-ups (possibly), social problems, incompetence, and his own imagination. Included, is at least one appearance from a strange robot type thing, and a mysterious superhero mechanic person. What more coud you want? Rating: 8/10 I liked. Watch until the end to avoid being utterly bemused |
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16th December 2006, 20:37
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#22 (permalink) |
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Phones, soup, paint, chairs and computers are troubling.
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Where Albert Stubbins scored a diving header
Posts: 47,728
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Network
 An aging, well-established TV anchorman is told he's going to be fired due to falling ratings. He responds by announcing, live on air, that he's going to top himself. He's sacked, but then the bosses find the ratings have soared... It all sort of kicks off from there. Quality. |
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16th December 2006, 21:37
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#25 (permalink) | |
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I suffer delusions of grandeur
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: The announcer and referee of Gaz Vs DJS the meet!
Posts: 12,359
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Sypher is worth a watch too |
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16th December 2006, 21:45
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#26 (permalink) |
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Reserve Team Player
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 4,082
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War of the Roses
Plot: Story of a husband and wife who's relationship develops from idylic fairytale to two people trying ever more inventive ways of killing each other, told by danny de vito. Funny for anyone who's every been in a serious relationship, or watched their parents throwing pot plants across the room. Rating 6/10 |
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16th December 2006, 21:48
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#27 (permalink) |
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Reserve Team Player
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 4,082
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The Odd Couple
Plot: Neil Simons finest hour as Jack Lemon and Walter Matthieu play best friends who end up living together after divorce, then drive each other mad with their quirks. Very funny. Rating: 9/10 |
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16th December 2006, 21:54
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#28 (permalink) |
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Reserve Team Player
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 4,082
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Prophecy Trilogy
Plot: There's a war in heaven between angels jealous of humankind and those loyal to god, humans get caught in the cross fire. Chistopher Walkden gives a good performance. Verdict: usually polarises opinion, I loved them, 9/10 |
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17th December 2006, 01:08
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#29 (permalink) |
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Manager
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: In the shadows fighting e-crime
Posts: 63,899
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Dogville
 The Plot: A woman on the run from the mob is reluctantly accepted in a small Colorado town. In exchange she agrees to work for them. As a search visits town, she finds her their support has a price. Yet her dangerous secret is never far away... This is quite possibly the biggest pile of shite ive ever had the misfortune of seeing. Or at least it would have been if i hadnt turned it off after 10 minutes. They should rename it 'Dogshite' Rating: 0 out of 10 - a dvd store blunder |
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17th December 2006, 01:17
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#32 (permalink) |
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Manager
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: In the shadows fighting e-crime
Posts: 63,899
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ive just had the misfortune of seeing for the first time
Mimic  Plot: Three years ago entomologist Dr. Susan Tyler genetically created an insect to kill cockroaches carrying a virulent disease, now the insects are out to destroy their only predator, mankind! so basically cockroaches were carrying a virus that was infecting loads of kids. So, the scientist bird decides to create a new superbug to wipe out the cockroaches. Why didnt they just wear a biological suit and go around stamping on them all? Anyway, few years later and the superbugs can now walk on 2 feet and steal peoples faces or something. Throw in the old unused underground station, loads of bugs and you get the idea. Absolute toss. The only question is why did i watch it to the end? Rating: 1 out of 10. Given a 1 simply because nothing can beat 'Dogshite' |
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17th December 2006, 02:15
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#33 (permalink) | |
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Reserve Team Player
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: SolarX
Posts: 3,698
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Quote:
It looks like a pretentious art at first (with the markings instead of walls and everything) but this serves the whole idea. After a while you get used to it and there comes the imagination. There's the play with the light and the sounds that would've never worked on a regular made movie. The transparency adds more levels to the whole thing. And the story's actually interesting. (the ending is brilliant) Maybe not everyone's cup of tea but calling it "the worst movie ever" is way OTT even in this semi serious thread. 
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17th December 2006, 19:57
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#37 (permalink) |
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Poncey film buff
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: MUFC Champions 2006/2007: Where will the goals come from?| Wave upon wave of demented avengers march cheerily out of obscurity into the dream
Posts: 26,171
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London to Brighton
Made on a shoestring budget, I think they said something like 80k. Plot: It's 3:07am and two girls burst into a run down London toilet. Joanne is crying her eyes out and her clothing is ripped. Kelly's face is bruised and starting to swell. Duncan Allen lies in his bathroom bleeding to death. Duncan's son, Stuart, has found his father and wants answers. Derek, Kelly's pimp, needs to find Kelly or it will be him who pays. Kelly and Joanne need to get through the next 24 hours alive... - from imbd. Cant be arsed to type my own without giving it away. Rating 9/10 Class film, see it if you can. It's brilliantly gritty and doesnt glamourise London or Brighton in any way, it doesnt attempt to do the cringy 'gangsters' thing. It's the least pretentious film you'll ever see, but one of the most powerful. Saw it in Leeds before it was released, it's since got 5 stars in the Guardian and Independent. |
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17th December 2006, 20:41
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#39 (permalink) | |
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Phones, soup, paint, chairs and computers are troubling.
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Where Albert Stubbins scored a diving header
Posts: 47,728
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