The Redcafe Movie review thread

golden_blunder · 16th December 2006, 16:09

we'll keep this one stickied so that all the movie buffs can enjoy/add to

Clerks

Plot: A day in the lives of two convenience clerks named Dante and Randal as they annoy customers, discuss movies, and play hockey on the store roof.

This is one of my favourite movies, arguably the best small budget movie made big. The argument over the merits of blowing up the Death star in star wars has to be one of the best bits of scripting. Likewise the guy blagging some quality toilet paper and a porn mag so that he can go for a wank in the toilets.

Rating: 10/10 - they dont come much better than this

golden_blunder · 16th December 2006, 16:14

Crank

Plot: Professional assassin Chev Chelios (Statham) learns his rival (Cantillo) has injected him with a poison that will kill him if his heart rate drops.

If youre looking for a movie to kill an hour and a half this is a good call. Forget the silly plot, enjoy the action. If his heart rate drops - he dies. The baldy fucker has to do all manner of dangerous things to keep his adrenalin kicking. He starts a racist fight in pub full of 'homies', shags his girlfriend in public in front of a bus of chinese tourists, steals, fills himself full of redbull, drugs etc whilst trying to find the bag guy.

Rating: 7 out of 10.

Melbourne Red · 16th December 2006, 17:48

Quote:

Originally Posted by golden_blunder

we'll keep this one stickied so that all the movie buffs can enjoy/add to

Clerks

Plot: A day in the lives of two convenience clerks named Dante and Randal as they annoy customers, discuss movies, and play hockey on the store roof.

This is one of my favourite movies, arguably the best small budget movie made big. The argument over the merits of blowing up the Death star in star wars has to be one of the best bits of scripting. Likewise the guy blagging some quality toilet paper and a porn mag so that he can go for a wank in the toilets.

Rating: 10/10 - they dont come much better than this

Fucking superb movie.

In the past I've worked at both a video store and a conveniance store.

I am Dante and the other cunt rolled into one.

kelvinhole · 16th December 2006, 18:01

Quote:

Originally Posted by golden_blunder

Crank

Plot: Professional assassin Chev Chelios (Statham) learns his rival (Cantillo) has injected him with a poison that will kill him if his heart rate drops.

If youre looking for a movie to kill an hour and a half this is a good call. Forget the silly plot, enjoy the action. If his heart rate drops - he dies. The baldy fucker has to do all manner of dangerous things to keep his adrenalin kicking. He starts a racist fight in pub full of 'homies', shags his girlfriend in public in front of a bus of chinese tourists, steals, fills himself full of redbull, drugs etc whilst trying to find the bag guy.

Rating: 7 out of 10.

Sounds like a great plot actually.

londonredmaniac · 16th December 2006, 18:08

Swingers

Worth a seven out of 10 for the phrase "you're so money, you're so money and you don't even know it".

FreakyJim · 16th December 2006, 18:29

Tagline: No children. No future. No hope.

Plot: (see trailer)

Oh, well : In 2027, in a chaotic world in which humans can no longer procreate, a former activist agrees to help transport a miraculously pregnant woman to a sanctuary at sea, where her child's birth may help scientists save the future of humankind.

Opinion:
It's a bit of a mix between Munich and Schindler's List here and there. Brilliant "dark atmosphere" of the future with lots of details for second viewing. The story is simple exactly the way it should be.
Nasty, sad and full of desperation.

But even this doesn't matter. This fecker - Alfonso Cuaron - makes Spielberg (Zemeckis too) look like a schoolboy. I can't imagine them making such shots like the scene with a car on the road. Even if it was just for that - I would've loved the movie, except there are two other 10min-scenes of a film apocalypse.

trailer

9,1/10

Wonder Pigeon · 16th December 2006, 18:46

Quote:

Originally Posted by golden_blunder

If youre looking for a movie to kill an hour and a half this is a good call. Forget the silly plot, enjoy the action. If his heart rate drops - he dies. The baldy fucker has to do all manner of dangerous things to keep his adrenalin kicking. He starts a racist fight in pub full of 'homies', shags his girlfriend in public in front of a bus of chinese tourists, steals, fills himself full of redbull, drugs etc whilst trying to find the bag guy.

Sounds like the kind of thing a Caftard would write.

golden_blunder · 16th December 2006, 18:56

Thats because i did fucking write it..

golden_blunder · 16th December 2006, 18:58

come on now lads get with the story here, you need the movie name, a pic, the plot, your comments (you have to have seen the film) and your rating out of 10.

Wonder Pigeon · 16th December 2006, 19:05

Quote:

Originally Posted by golden_blunder

Thats because i did fucking write it..

the plot I mean.Idiot.

UBERScholes · 16th December 2006, 19:14

Plot: Mayan type fellows have their idyllic lives interrupted when a group of nasty savages decide to massacre their village and sacrifice them to a sun god, pregnant wife of hero remains in village in precarious situation.

Pretty average film with no real idea's or invention, lots of stuff shamlessly taken from elsewhere, but with a little gore tossed in, lots of decapitated bodies and still beating hearts and animal testicles, all that, some impressive visuals involving all this gore, nice costumes, men in loinclothes bending over a lot, a woman gives birth underwater, unsettling, weirdo girl with long black hair gives some ominous warnings in an evil voice, people dive off waterfalls, dodge blurry weapons in slow motion and emerge slowly out of wet, steaming mud with quite threatening, murderous expressions on their face. Overall 5/10

UBERScholes · 16th December 2006, 19:26

Plot: Fisherman type fellow has his idyllic life interrupted when a group of African rebels decide to massacre his village and put him to work in some diamond mines. Pregnant wife and children find themselves in a perilous situation

This is an enjoyable film but ultimately pretty average, DiCaprio is in fine form as an South African diamond smuggler who notices that fisherman found an insanely valuable red diamond and hid it somewhere. The fisherman is like 8ft tall, shouts and screams a lot and is built like a Soviet tank division, but DiCaprio pretty much just manhandles and slaps the shit out of him for the entire film until he *spoilers* finds the diamond. Jennifer Connolly appears as the American who informs everyone that they're doing wrong and costing people their lives and have to stop the madness, she doesn't really do anything in this film, she looks like she's aged very badly, I saw her in 'Dark Water' last and there she looked quite fit but here even memories of ass to ass can't save her, DiCaprio is the only dreamy figure here unless you like very large, submissive black men. 6/10

Plechazunga · 16th December 2006, 19:29

Used to like Clerks when I was a teenager...saw it again a couple of years ago, what a piece of pretentious, self-regarding shite

Swingers is one of the worst films ever

golden_blunder · 16th December 2006, 19:44

"youre so money baby" - agreed about Swingers, thought it was toss the first time i saw it

Clerks is still quality though, weirdo

Plechazunga · 16th December 2006, 19:46

The black screen bits with subtitles of terms from Greek tragedy, can fuck right off

As can calling the main character "Dante". You can do that shit if you really, really know your stuff...otherwise feck off

The whole extended Star Wars discussion can also feck off, as can the eggs/marriage guidance counsellors thing

The character of the video shop bloke is brilliant, especially when he reads out the porno titles, and gives kids fags

Wonder Pigeon · 16th December 2006, 19:51

Clerks is quality.

Plechazunga · 16th December 2006, 19:53

If you're an undergrad, who likes films that make you think you're cleverer than you are.

golden_blunder · 16th December 2006, 20:03

movie snob

noodlehair · 16th December 2006, 20:06

Solaris

Plot: er...

It's about some bloke, on a spaceship, who keeps imagining some dead bird he loves is with him, even though she isn't (or is she?(no)). This goes on for two hours.

I watched it because the case had a spaceship on the cover, and looked cool.

Rating: 1/10 Don't watch this film. Ever

Plechazunga · 16th December 2006, 20:07

Possibly

Seriously though, sticking up cards saying things like "apotheosis" and "Catharsis" and whatever...what a fecking up his own arse philosophy grad cunt

noodlehair · 16th December 2006, 20:30

Brazil

Plot: Fairly old film, set in a twisted, yet somehow familiar future. Centered around a single character; a middle aged, run of the mill government worker, who's name I've forgotten. The film follows him, as he chases the girl of his dreams (literally), and becomes ever more caught up in a world of terrorism, cover-ups (possibly), social problems, incompetence, and his own imagination.
Included, is at least one appearance from a strange robot type thing, and a mysterious superhero mechanic person. What more coud you want?

Rating: 8/10 I liked. Watch until the end to avoid being utterly bemused

Plechazunga · 16th December 2006, 20:37

Network

An aging, well-established TV anchorman is told he's going to be fired due to falling ratings. He responds by announcing, live on air, that he's going to top himself. He's sacked, but then the bosses find the ratings have soared...

It all sort of kicks off from there. Quality.

golden_blunder · 16th December 2006, 20:39

rating?

16th December 2006, 21:08

I film review thread without greent just isn't a film review thread.

I'm not sure that came out right, it sounded better in my head but I can't be fucked to fix it up. Sorry.

londonredmaniac · 16th December 2006, 21:37

Quote:

Originally Posted by golden_blunder

"youre so money baby" - agreed about Swingers, thought it was toss the first time i saw it

Clerks is still quality though, weirdo

not seen clerks yet, but its on my list for christmas now.

Sypher is worth a watch too

p_ps_sock · 16th December 2006, 21:45

War of the Roses

Plot: Story of a husband and wife who's relationship develops from idylic fairytale to two people trying ever more inventive ways of killing each other, told by danny de vito. Funny for anyone who's every been in a serious relationship, or watched their parents throwing pot plants across the room.

Rating 6/10

p_ps_sock · 16th December 2006, 21:48

The Odd Couple

Plot: Neil Simons finest hour as Jack Lemon and Walter Matthieu play best friends who end up living together after divorce, then drive each other mad with their quirks. Very funny.

Rating: 9/10

p_ps_sock · 16th December 2006, 21:54

Prophecy Trilogy

Plot: There's a war in heaven between angels jealous of humankind and those loyal to god, humans get caught in the cross fire. Chistopher Walkden gives a good performance.

Verdict: usually polarises opinion, I loved them, 9/10

golden_blunder · 17th December 2006, 01:08

Dogville

The Plot: A woman on the run from the mob is reluctantly accepted in a small Colorado town. In exchange she agrees to work for them. As a search visits town, she finds her their support has a price. Yet her dangerous secret is never far away...

This is quite possibly the biggest pile of shite ive ever had the misfortune of seeing. Or at least it would have been if i hadnt turned it off after 10 minutes.
They should rename it 'Dogshite'

Rating: 0 out of 10 - a dvd store blunder

noodlehair · 17th December 2006, 01:12

Geebs, why have you deleted my attempt to sidetrack the thread?

16th December 2006, 16:09	#1 (permalink)
golden_blunder Grumpy Admin Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Swimming against a tide of shite Posts: 41,703	The Redcafe Movie review thread we'll keep this one stickied so that all the movie buffs can enjoy/add to Clerks Plot: A day in the lives of two convenience clerks named Dante and Randal as they annoy customers, discuss movies, and play hockey on the store roof. This is one of my favourite movies, arguably the best small budget movie made big. The argument over the merits of blowing up the Death star in star wars has to be one of the best bits of scripting. Likewise the guy blagging some quality toilet paper and a porn mag so that he can go for a wank in the toilets. Rating: 10/10 - they dont come much better than this

16th December 2006, 16:14	#2 (permalink)
golden_blunder Grumpy Admin Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Swimming against a tide of shite Posts: 41,703	Crank Plot: Professional assassin Chev Chelios (Statham) learns his rival (Cantillo) has injected him with a poison that will kill him if his heart rate drops. If youre looking for a movie to kill an hour and a half this is a good call. Forget the silly plot, enjoy the action. If his heart rate drops - he dies. The baldy fucker has to do all manner of dangerous things to keep his adrenalin kicking. He starts a racist fight in pub full of 'homies', shags his girlfriend in public in front of a bus of chinese tourists, steals, fills himself full of redbull, drugs etc whilst trying to find the bag guy. Rating: 7 out of 10.

16th December 2006, 18:08	#5 (permalink)
londonredmaniac I suffer delusions of grandeur Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: The announcer and referee of Gaz Vs DJS the meet! Posts: 8,883	Swingers Worth a seven out of 10 for the phrase "you're so money, you're so money and you don't even know it".

16th December 2006, 18:29	#6 (permalink)
FreakyJim Reserve Team Player Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: SolarX Posts: 1,412	Tagline: No children. No future. No hope. Plot: (see trailer) Oh, well : In 2027, in a chaotic world in which humans can no longer procreate, a former activist agrees to help transport a miraculously pregnant woman to a sanctuary at sea, where her child's birth may help scientists save the future of humankind. Opinion: It's a bit of a mix between Munich and Schindler's List here and there. Brilliant "dark atmosphere" of the future with lots of details for second viewing. The story is simple exactly the way it should be. Nasty, sad and full of desperation. But even this doesn't matter. This fecker - Alfonso Cuaron - makes Spielberg (Zemeckis too) look like a schoolboy. I can't imagine them making such shots like the scene with a car on the road. Even if it was just for that - I would've loved the movie, except there are two other 10min-scenes of a film apocalypse. trailer 9,1/10

16th December 2006, 18:56	#8 (permalink)
golden_blunder Grumpy Admin Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Swimming against a tide of shite Posts: 41,703	Thats because i did fucking write it..

16th December 2006, 18:58	#9 (permalink)
golden_blunder Grumpy Admin Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Swimming against a tide of shite Posts: 41,703	come on now lads get with the story here, you need the movie name, a pic, the plot, your comments (you have to have seen the film) and your rating out of 10.

16th December 2006, 19:14	#11 (permalink)
UBERScholes I'd find it flattering if someone hard rubbed against me. Join Date: Dec 2004 Posts: 9,618	Plot: Mayan type fellows have their idyllic lives interrupted when a group of nasty savages decide to massacre their village and sacrifice them to a sun god, pregnant wife of hero remains in village in precarious situation. Pretty average film with no real idea's or invention, lots of stuff shamlessly taken from elsewhere, but with a little gore tossed in, lots of decapitated bodies and still beating hearts and animal testicles, all that, some impressive visuals involving all this gore, nice costumes, men in loinclothes bending over a lot, a woman gives birth underwater, unsettling, weirdo girl with long black hair gives some ominous warnings in an evil voice, people dive off waterfalls, dodge blurry weapons in slow motion and emerge slowly out of wet, steaming mud with quite threatening, murderous expressions on their face. Overall 5/10

16th December 2006, 19:26	#12 (permalink)
UBERScholes I'd find it flattering if someone hard rubbed against me. Join Date: Dec 2004 Posts: 9,618	Plot: Fisherman type fellow has his idyllic life interrupted when a group of African rebels decide to massacre his village and put him to work in some diamond mines. Pregnant wife and children find themselves in a perilous situation This is an enjoyable film but ultimately pretty average, DiCaprio is in fine form as an South African diamond smuggler who notices that fisherman found an insanely valuable red diamond and hid it somewhere. The fisherman is like 8ft tall, shouts and screams a lot and is built like a Soviet tank division, but DiCaprio pretty much just manhandles and slaps the shit out of him for the entire film until he spoilers finds the diamond. Jennifer Connolly appears as the American who informs everyone that they're doing wrong and costing people their lives and have to stop the madness, she doesn't really do anything in this film, she looks like she's aged very badly, I saw her in 'Dark Water' last and there she looked quite fit but here even memories of ass to ass can't save her, DiCaprio is the only dreamy figure here unless you like very large, submissive black men. 6/10

16th December 2006, 19:29	#13 (permalink)
Plechazunga Phones, soup, paint and chairs are troubling. Join Date: May 2003 Location: My enthusiasm is the same. I love this club. It is not about brochures. Posts: 49,344	Used to like Clerks when I was a teenager...saw it again a couple of years ago, what a piece of pretentious, self-regarding shite Swingers is one of the worst films ever

16th December 2006, 19:44	#14 (permalink)
golden_blunder Grumpy Admin Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Swimming against a tide of shite Posts: 41,703	"youre so money baby" - agreed about Swingers, thought it was toss the first time i saw it Clerks is still quality though, weirdo

16th December 2006, 19:46	#15 (permalink)
Plechazunga Phones, soup, paint and chairs are troubling. Join Date: May 2003 Location: My enthusiasm is the same. I love this club. It is not about brochures. Posts: 49,344	The black screen bits with subtitles of terms from Greek tragedy, can fuck right off As can calling the main character "Dante". You can do that shit if you really, really know your stuff...otherwise feck off The whole extended Star Wars discussion can also feck off, as can the eggs/marriage guidance counsellors thing The character of the video shop bloke is brilliant, especially when he reads out the porno titles, and gives kids fags

16th December 2006, 19:51	#16 (permalink)
Wonder Pigeon Pooping on people Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: In the attitude trophy closet Posts: 6,154	Clerks is quality.

16th December 2006, 19:53	#17 (permalink)
Plechazunga Phones, soup, paint and chairs are troubling. Join Date: May 2003 Location: My enthusiasm is the same. I love this club. It is not about brochures. Posts: 49,344	If you're an undergrad, who likes films that make you think you're cleverer than you are.

16th December 2006, 20:03	#18 (permalink)
golden_blunder Grumpy Admin Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Swimming against a tide of shite Posts: 41,703	movie snob

16th December 2006, 20:06	#19 (permalink)
noodlehair Can't drive! Can't text! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes. Posts: 29,210	Solaris Plot: er... It's about some bloke, on a spaceship, who keeps imagining some dead bird he loves is with him, even though she isn't (or is she?(no)). This goes on for two hours. I watched it because the case had a spaceship on the cover, and looked cool. Rating: 1/10 Don't watch this film. Ever

16th December 2006, 20:07	#20 (permalink)
Plechazunga Phones, soup, paint and chairs are troubling. Join Date: May 2003 Location: My enthusiasm is the same. I love this club. It is not about brochures. Posts: 49,344	Possibly Seriously though, sticking up cards saying things like "apotheosis" and "Catharsis" and whatever...what a fecking up his own arse philosophy grad cunt

16th December 2006, 20:30	#21 (permalink)
noodlehair Can't drive! Can't text! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes. Posts: 29,210	Brazil Plot: Fairly old film, set in a twisted, yet somehow familiar future. Centered around a single character; a middle aged, run of the mill government worker, who's name I've forgotten. The film follows him, as he chases the girl of his dreams (literally), and becomes ever more caught up in a world of terrorism, cover-ups (possibly), social problems, incompetence, and his own imagination. Included, is at least one appearance from a strange robot type thing, and a mysterious superhero mechanic person. What more coud you want? Rating: 8/10 I liked. Watch until the end to avoid being utterly bemused

16th December 2006, 20:37	#22 (permalink)
Plechazunga Phones, soup, paint and chairs are troubling. Join Date: May 2003 Location: My enthusiasm is the same. I love this club. It is not about brochures. Posts: 49,344	Network An aging, well-established TV anchorman is told he's going to be fired due to falling ratings. He responds by announcing, live on air, that he's going to top himself. He's sacked, but then the bosses find the ratings have soared... It all sort of kicks off from there. Quality.

16th December 2006, 20:39	#23 (permalink)
golden_blunder Grumpy Admin Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Swimming against a tide of shite Posts: 41,703	rating?

16th December 2006, 21:08	#24 (permalink)
Dubai_Devil Posts: n/a	I film review thread without greent just isn't a film review thread. I'm not sure that came out right, it sounded better in my head but I can't be fucked to fix it up. Sorry.

16th December 2006, 21:45	#26 (permalink)
p_ps_sock Reserve Team Player Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: You're a fucking wanker. I didn't rate you as a player, I don't rate you as a manager, and I don't rate you as a person. You're a fucking wanker and you can stick your World Cup up your arse. Posts: 2,705	War of the Roses Plot: Story of a husband and wife who's relationship develops from idylic fairytale to two people trying ever more inventive ways of killing each other, told by danny de vito. Funny for anyone who's every been in a serious relationship, or watched their parents throwing pot plants across the room. Rating 6/10

16th December 2006, 21:48	#27 (permalink)
p_ps_sock Reserve Team Player Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: You're a fucking wanker. I didn't rate you as a player, I don't rate you as a manager, and I don't rate you as a person. You're a fucking wanker and you can stick your World Cup up your arse. Posts: 2,705	The Odd Couple Plot: Neil Simons finest hour as Jack Lemon and Walter Matthieu play best friends who end up living together after divorce, then drive each other mad with their quirks. Very funny. Rating: 9/10

16th December 2006, 21:54	#28 (permalink)
p_ps_sock Reserve Team Player Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: You're a fucking wanker. I didn't rate you as a player, I don't rate you as a manager, and I don't rate you as a person. You're a fucking wanker and you can stick your World Cup up your arse. Posts: 2,705	Prophecy Trilogy Plot: There's a war in heaven between angels jealous of humankind and those loyal to god, humans get caught in the cross fire. Chistopher Walkden gives a good performance. Verdict: usually polarises opinion, I loved them, 9/10

17th December 2006, 01:08	#29 (permalink)
golden_blunder Grumpy Admin Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Swimming against a tide of shite Posts: 41,703	Dogville The Plot: A woman on the run from the mob is reluctantly accepted in a small Colorado town. In exchange she agrees to work for them. As a search visits town, she finds her their support has a price. Yet her dangerous secret is never far away... This is quite possibly the biggest pile of shite ive ever had the misfortune of seeing. Or at least it would have been if i hadnt turned it off after 10 minutes. They should rename it 'Dogshite' Rating: 0 out of 10 - a dvd store blunder

17th December 2006, 01:12	#30 (permalink)
noodlehair Can't drive! Can't text! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes. Posts: 29,210	Geebs, why have you deleted my attempt to sidetrack the thread?