Write your own bollox

Robbo

In honour of the usual NOTW/Sunday Mail made up United stories I invite you to write your own story..like this

PLAYERS FACE CHOP

Wayne Rooney is struggling to impress Alex Ferguson and could face the axe in sweeping changes to hit the club next summer. Fergie has also asked many of United top earners to expect to be transfer listed as their fragile form in both the PL and Europe frustrates fans.

Players like Nemanja Vidic and Rio ferdinand will be sold off with replacements rumoured to be on Fegires shopping list including Steven McManus and Gary Caldwell from Celtic.

The midfield players are also expected to be culled with underachieving Ryan Giggs and Paul Scholes finally pensioned off and Nani also being considered due to being quite unlikeable. One insider told us " Fergie thinks Nani is quite ugly"

Superstar Rooney has aslo incurred Fergies' famous hairdryer treatment as his wife gave birth to a child with a stupid name and club sources told us Fergie wanted it to be called Angus.

Brazilian wonder twins Rafael and the other one also face being shipped out as Asst manager Mike phelan complains that they have way too much hair and are too fast for the English game.






Alex Ferguson is 79.

Count Duckula

COLEEN: KAI IS SIR ALEX'S!

Wayne Rooney last night was facing devastasting news as wife Coleen prepared to tell him: the baby's not yours!

Proud Wayne has been boasting to pals about how much fun he's having with new boy, Kai, and says the birth of the little Rooney has transformed his life. But that may be about to change, as Coleen let her secret slip its shackles.

"Kai's not Wayne's baby," a source told us last night. "Coleen never wanted anyone to find out, and she hoped Wayne wouldn't notice."

Indeed, England's Bulldog was too overcome with joy to notice the newborn's perfectly normal ears - a sure sign it isn't a Rooney baby. He even failed to pick up on Kai's giant, purple nose; something pals have been keeping quiet about.

"It was very awkward when we first met Kai," our source continued. "We all sort of looked at each other, and then at Coleen. She was looking very sheepish. I think it was pretty obvious then that he wasn't Wayne's baby."

Coleen had been trying to stop her husband finding out, relieved that he hadn't noticed the tell-tale signs, but Wayne's suspicions grew after one particularly unsavoury incident at a local bar.

"Wayne was cuddling Kai at the pub, and all the girls were cooing over the new baby. One of them leaned in and asked whether he was having fun."

Little Kai then shocked the tavern by exclaming: "Ah, there's nay doot about that!"

"Wayne screamed like a girl," claims our insider. "Before passing Kai to Coleen and making a hasty exit."

It is understood that Kai was conceived after a heady night of Glaswegian passion, and Coleen, 23, has now realised she has little choice but to come clean with her husband. Wayne is said to be dreading the news, and right on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

"He's very close to the edge after all of this. I don't know how he'll cope when Coleen confirms the news he desperately doesn't want to hear. I just hope he doesn't take it out on Kai's real father - the man's a pensioner!"

nemanja15

FERGIE: I'M OUT

Sir Alex Ferguson has told close family and friends he is QUITTING Manchester United for good.

The Scot has vowed to leave before the year is out amid concerns over behind-the-scenes goings on at Old Trafford.

Last night a source revealed "Ferguson has finally had enough. He is sick and tired of some of the players. Their performance levels just haven't been good enough and he doesn't think he can get any more out of them. Last year they were fighting for winning the Champions League, now Fergie's worrying about even qualifying for the competition next year."

No names were revealed, however it is thought that Owen Hargreaves has constantly been a nuisance in his long-term injury recovery process, whilst Nani has been publicly hairdryered too often in the dressing room after matches for the manager's liking. The list of culprits also includes Anderson and Berbatov, for reasons unrelated to football.

Second in the league and setting the pace in their Champions League group is just not considered good enough any more either and this was made clear to Ferguson by the Glazers, who currently have the Tampa Bay Buccaneers lavishing in last place in the NFC South.

The search for a replacement will be an intriguing one; nevertheless, the pressure has finally got to the wily Scot and an announcement is expected in the next 48 hours.

Count Duckula

That's a good one, because I could actually imagine it appearing in one of the rags

nemanja15

Cheers Duck, yours was pretty impressive too

golden_blunder

FERGIE: 10 MORE YEARS

Alex Ferguson has told the Manchester United board to stop searching for his replacement as he believes he can manage at the top flight for 10 more years. Fergie, currently rated the best manager around has let it be known that he still has the hunger and fire in his belly to produce at least one more great team.

The news will come as a shock to delighted United fans but will come as bad news to his title rivals at Arsenal and Chelsea.

Ryan Giggs is said to be delighted as Fergie has promised that as long as he is around, the Welsh wizard will always have a playing contract. Portuguese winger Nani is said to be disappointed and considering his future at United.

esmufc10

redpie

Back to the Future.

In an amazing transfer coup and turnaround Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson has stunned the football world by re-signing 4 ex-players.
David Beckham, Ruud Van Nistelrooy, Juan Sebastian Veron and Diego Forlan are all delighted to move to a club with such a huge support.

It works in my head anyway.

esmufc10

Would it not be Back to the Past?

Anderson Searl

Count that's fucking proper !!!

redpie

That depends if you think the 4 said players would not improve United in the real world.

SER19

UKBOB: BIG NEWS FINALLY REVEALED

The hierarchy at Old Trafford and the rest of the football world was rocking last night after the news that ukbob promised months ago was finally revealed. It has transpired that Sir Alex Ferguson will risk the wrath of millions worldwide by leaving United for bitter rivals Liverpool. After years of glory with the red devils, Ferguson is ready to step aside from his throne at world footballs greatest empire and leave for what a close pal said was "a new challenge". The source, who asked not to be named but is really really important at United and close to Ferguson revealed; "he's had enough of it. he's won everything there and feels he is leaving the club in a good enough condition for the fans to accept his decision." Ferguson has spent 23 years at United and has built 5 succesful teams at the club. He will be placed amongst the pantheon of great managers and has reportedly promised more of the same at Liverpool, where Rafael Benitez will carry on in an interim capacity as head waiter until Ferguson hires his own staff. After years of watching the Merseyside club fail pathetically the great Scot is believed to have built up a vast reservoir of pity for the once great club and has vowed to reclaim the glory that saw Liverpool dominate the eighties. A source said "alex told me privately that he believes there is a perch that liverpool belong on and he wants to get them back up there."
The news was obviously the most talked about topic on top LFC fanforum RAWK last night and one user called SENILEWHISKYNOSE posted that "the glory days are coming back,we've got the top man" Another user, FERGIETIMEISWHYWEDONTWINANYTHING cited that "this is our year!!"
Outgoing manager rafael benitez declined to comment last night but a close amigo said the spaniard is reeling. "Rafa had a ten year plan. this year involved finishing fourth and it was going perfectly.he knew exactly what he was doing-he had it all written down on a list. he doesnt understand why he is not the manager anymore." Ferguson will face challenges at Liverpool that he has not face sinced he walked in the doors at Old Trafford in 1986. Skysports correspondent and football expert Guillem Balague said "there is no money to spend. 235million has left in the last 5 years so it will be interesting to see how ferguson deals with having no money to spend just like Rafa had to do." Another of Ferguson's immediate problems will be to get to the root of Dirk Kuyt's hideousness which is believed to be unsettling many of the 'Pool players, namely notorious playboy Yossi Benayoun. While Ferguson is undoubtedly going to stamp his own unique authority on Anfield he is unlikely to deprive to players and staff of their latest morale boosting club event-a trip to the cinema to laugh at any success they have not achieved.
United will begin their search for a new manager this morning with Guus Hiidink and Jose Mourinho the obvious candidates. Also on the list are the new breed of hungry young managers that the board will assess to see if any have all the same qualities that a young Ferguson had; Laurent Blanc, Roy Keane, Pep Guardiola and Steve Staunton are all being headhunted.
It remains to be seen what impact this will have on United's current crop with Rooney, Giggs, Scholes and Neville likely to move on. (turn to page 63 for our speculation that David Beckham will retun as player/manager)

The man that claimed knowledge of the revelations had little to say. ukbob told us that he "knew something big may...or may not happen at the club,and wanted to be the first to stake a claim"

Boss

Darren Fletcher to Wigan? Son of a Ditch: the end of Darren Fletcher at United.

In news that could see Evra banned for 4 matches is strong rumours Darren FLetcher could be on his way out of the club in January. Following Fletcher's shocking displays so far this season in a United shirt it seems Fergie's son may be shipped out once and for all after continuously testing the patience of the manager and fans.

The player who was once nicknamed wpitw (worst player in the world) by no other than Manchester United Legend Roy Keane continues to live up to the tag, especially in big games. His volley against Everton was one of the worst to be scored at Old Trafford. The technique was attrocious, replays showed Fletcher closing his eyes the whole way as he swung aimlessly. It was more like Van Persie's shinned goal against Charlton a few seasons back which saw him celebrate like a pansey rather than the grace of Zidane in the cl Final. It was almost as bad as fletcher's header against Man City which luckily managed to hit the right angle of his head that is uncanningly shaped like a 50 p coin.

According to a United source" the main issue Sir Alex has with Darren is that he puts in world class performances for Scotland continuously but as soon as he pulls on the United jersey it's like watching Bramble in midfield, close your eyes and imagine Bramble in midfield, yep not quite Zidane is it? What so you mean I can not compare?"

Another issue that has Ferguson considering the future of his son is the tension his continuous selection has caused between some United players who feel harshly done such as Nani. During an interview with a Portugese radio station the world class winger had this to say" everytime I put on a United shirt I play huge games and yet I constantly get overlooked. What gets me annoyed is the fact that players like Fletcher are ahead of me. Have you seen him? It's like watching Bramble in midfield, my situation can not continue like this but we shall see ."

With the humongous gap left by Ronaldo leaving to the Spanish Capital in the summer it seems that fans are getting extremely impatient with Sir Alex's insistence on playing the dismal Darren Fletcher. We visited Manchester United's leading forum 'the refcafe' to get views on the ticking timebomb that
is Fletcher. It is fair to say, the fans were not happy, with most of them wanting Sir Alex to spend the entire 80 mil on Modric or Lucas and sell
Fletcher to Wigan.

January could mean the end for Darren Fletcher and for most fans the decision should have been made years ago. With Wigan reportedly interested gathering up a bid of 300 k, Sir Alex may have no choice but to let him go.

B Cantona

N-EVRA GUNNA GIVE YOU UP

Club insiders tonight reveal the true scale of the scandal which NOTW EXCLUSIVELY broke yesterday, as supporters across the land continue to reel from the astonishing revelation that Man U full back Patrice Evra is in fact 80's pop sensation Rick Astley.

One particularly high ranking insider told us: "I'm not really a club insider. I'm just Derek from The Sun's human resources department. It's a lot cheaper and easier for the paper to quote me inventing some bollocks, than actually doing some genuine investigatory journalism, or even just printing the actual days news". So we sacked him, and got someone else to say: "It's true, we've known for some time. Rick blacks himself up first thing in the morning, brushes up on his French tapes on the journey to training, and pops a couple of pills to mental himself up".

Mr Evra was unavailable for comment this evening. Mainly because United have far too much integrity than to let it's players actually speak to bullshitting hacks like us.

rednev

FIERY SCHOLES BURNS UNITED LEGEND

Manchester United midfielder Paul Scholes has infuriated United supremo Sir Alex Ferguson and shocked the entire club by launching a stinging attack on Manchester United legend Ole Gunnar Solksjaer.

Sources close to the United dressing room inform us that Scholes, 35, stood up in anger as the name Ole Gunnar was used by Sir Alex in what was supposed to be a motivational half time speach during Saturday's CRUNCH match against Everton.

"Will you just shut the fuck up about that overrated Nordic bellend, you Scottish twat! I've had it up to here with him, and his stupid baby face. One fucking goal and he's a club legend. Legend my ginger arse", fumed Scholes. "He couldn't tackle for shit, and I should know!".




His words are said to have sent SHOCKWAVES throughout the entire club and have left Sir Alex to ponder the Ginger Prince's future at Old Trafford.

"Errm, it was dead out of the blue, like. Scholesy's the last player you'd expect that sort of, errm, thing from, like, it was ostentatiously rebarbative and antically out of character, like", said United HERO Wayne Rooney to one of our reporters. Another senior player, who wanted to remain anonymous, had this to say to our reporter Ian Ladyboy "It washn't nishe to shee, but it'sh not the end of the world. He'll go home, have a schmoke of a shigar and come back and apologishe in the morning. He'sh normally a great guy, unlike that bashtard Pole".

With Scholes' future at the club now under heavy doubt, Liverpool are said to be early front runners in the race to CAPTURE the Oldham Ace's signature, although it is not clear whether or not the Liverpool owners - who have only spent £250 million on players since arriving at the club in 2007 - will provide manager Benitez with the funds to sign the player.

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More: Poll - Vile racist BNP leader Nick Griffin - Should he be hanged? | As more immigrant parasites flock into our country, we ask how us white folk will be affected

Pablo76

"Fletcher IS world class says cafs Robbo"

Addis

Little beauty there.

Ole'sbodyguard

Repost from last season when that Rooney/Fergie bust up rumour was rife after the dippers defeat.

"This news has been a slowburner on some of the United sites, abit like the Keane MUTV interview and the Ruud bust up and whilst accounts vary, the most consistent account is this one.

The rumour is that after the defeat, Fergie was attending to interviews post match and instructed Phelan to give the players a strong dressing down for the result. Phelan immediately called the players to task and particilarly focused on Rooney due to his post game comments, stating that he had given Liverpool needless motivation. The atmosphere got heated and Rooney is rumoured to have retorted:

"You can't talk you bald cnut. We never lost to that lot with Carlos about."

This led to some knowing nods from the foreign lads and a stung Roo is reported to have followed it up by calling Phelan a 'poor man's O'Shea'. The United coaching staff all rounded on Rooney for these comments and Gary Nev as club captain and well known for his commitments to his fellow players tried to back up Rooney and the rest of the lads.

Phelan took this as a lack of loyalty from Gary Nev and made some sarcy comment on his run of injuries. Angered, Gary Nev is rumoured to have given Phelan a 'funny look' retorting with a 'we never lost 4-0 at Anfield on my watch', reminding Phelan that he was the right back last time Liverpool stuck 4 past United. Things got more personal and Phelan accused him of 'shitting it' against Vieria.

Apparently Fergie has laid the blame on Rooney for this episode as the instigator and his lack of discipline(Fulham sending off) today is not going to help matters. "

::sonny::

Chief

Grande Madrid no more..
Florentino Perez's Real Madrid faces a financial collapse, starting a panic amongst their newly purchased 'Galacticos.'

by: Guilleme Balague

In the space of a few short weeks, Florentino Perez brought life back to his 'Los Galacticos' project at Real Madrid. Purchasing Brazil's imperial playmaker Kaka, Manchester United's want away World Player of the year Cristiano Ronaldo and Frances' new Michel Platini in Karim Benzema. Adding the much maligned Liverpool lynch pin Xabi Alonso to the ranks as well.

With spending topping the 250million mark, it was set to be the beggining of a new era in Football and the re-emergence of the once mighty super power of Madrid.

Due to the rolling effects of the worlds economic crisis in Spain, Perez has lost his backing by the Spanish Banking fraternity and now faces ruin. With debts of and estimated 1.8 billion, Real Madrid are on the verge of collapse.

After decades of unpaid loans mounting on the good name of Real Madrid and its supposed importance to the good of Spain, the day has come where the Banks have called in their debt. Not since the days of Spanish Dictator Franco have Los Merengues been forced to come good on the debt they have aquired; Under the umbrella of a consortium of Bank buddies believing the success of Madrid to be of national importance and pride.

This sudden collapse has sent Madrid's superstar agents into overdrive, franticly trying to secure moves for their stars to the right clubs and most importantly the clubs with the right bank balances.

Manchester is the favoured home for these now want away stars, but not the red half as they chase the all important zeros. Manchester City is fast becoming the home away from home for these mercenaries commonly reffered to as footballers.

Kaka is said to have agreed to a similar contract to that was offered previously by City in the region of 200,000 pounds per week. Ronaldo is said to be favouring a move to Italy as he cannot play against Manchester United with another English outfit, but it is said that he asked City for 300,000 pounds per week.

Karim Benzema's agent has approached Sir Alex Ferguson for the opportunity to join United but has been spurned by the wiley Scot. Confidants close to the Scot say he wouldn't buy a Madrid infected player in fear of a viral outbreak. He is now said to be joing the long line of attacking talent warming the bench at the City of Manchester Stadium.

On a lighter note, Rafael Benitez has crawled to Madrid on hand and knee begging for Xabi Alonso's forgiveness. The Spaniard has promised to wait hand on foot for the former Liverpool supremo to convince him he's the scousers most important player.

INF-AMOS

Xander45

Ant gets Decked with new name

United ace Antonio Valencia has this week been revealed to be the subject of a cruel new nickname. An insider had this to say:

"It's been noticed by his teamates that Antonio doesn't have a left foot, and some of the lads have started calling him Wonkey Donkey."

This news has already caused outrage on fansite redcafe.net, with a twelve page thread filled with shout's of "That's racist!" and gifs of Michael Jackson eating popcorn. We managed to contact one member for comment:

"Spurs are easily going to finish in the top four, i predict in three seasons we will have won the Champions League and i don't mind being quoted on it"

We tried to get GlastonSpur to talk about the subject at hand but sadly he refused to comment on anything other than Tottenham and we left him mumbling to himself in a corner.

At present Valencia hasn't commented on the teasing but an insider source tells us that Sir Alex Ferguson in particular finds the name funny "He was laughing all through training the other day, Valencia's been really downbeat about it and you can see that by the way he never smiles anymore."

The original Wonkey Donkey, of SMTV fame, was unavailable to comment, probably off his face on Ketamine.