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20th February 2012, 12:55
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#1006 (permalink) |
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Promised an Avatar, got a Tag Line!
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Over the Hill
Posts: 9,505
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I saw a job advertised as a fanny waxers assistant. Job includes removing ladies knickers, prepare fanny for waxing and rub oil in after waxing.
When I asked at the job centre they said I had to go to Cornwall. I said why, is that where the job is? No they said thats where the back of the fucking queue is! |
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20th February 2012, 13:06
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#1007 (permalink) | |
 Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Buenos Aires - Argentina
Posts: 42,355
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20th February 2012, 19:26
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#1008 (permalink) |
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3-0 and you messed it up!
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: 'I see the line, in the sand.... time to find out, who I am...' Soccer Manager - Manchester United.
Posts: 15,844
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I told a girl in the pub last night about my ability to know what day she was born just by touching her breasts. 'I don't believe you, go on then try it' she said. So after fondling them for a good five minutes, she said 'Well come on then, what day do you think I was born??' I said 'Yesterday'
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20th February 2012, 19:29
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#1009 (permalink) | |
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Unclean
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 22,477
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Quote:
I've only ever done it once, she saw the funny side. |
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22nd February 2012, 13:11
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#1012 (permalink) |
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Promised an Avatar, got a Tag Line!
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Over the Hill
Posts: 9,505
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an 85 year old man whom has played golf for his whole life comes home and throws his clubs down and says disapointedly to his wife that he will have to give up the game....
"why" she says... "i cant see the bloody ball any more, me eyes have failed me"... "oh dear" she says..."how about bringing your brother??...even though he is 92 his eyesight is perfect and he can watch the ball for you" "Good Idea" says the man..."sure I will give it a go tomorrow......" So the next day the man and his brother head out and he sends his first tee shot off high into the distance...... squinting for a view of the ball he loses is in flight, and turns to his brother who is staring at him blankly.... "well did you see the ball".......?? "Yeah I saw it allright, I have perfect eyesight "..... "where did it go"......? I Cant remember.............. |
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23rd February 2012, 05:28
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#1014 (permalink) |
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Shart stop
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Colombo. Sri-Lanka
Posts: 4,319
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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya". " Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" " That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." " I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim.. "How did it happen, Tim?" " It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee." |
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23rd February 2012, 05:28
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#1015 (permalink) |
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Shart stop
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Colombo. Sri-Lanka
Posts: 4,319
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A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters
a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!" |
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24th February 2012, 12:17
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#1016 (permalink) |
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Promised an Avatar, got a Tag Line!
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Over the Hill
Posts: 9,505
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Man goes into Supermarket and collects his items from the shelves and takes them to the checkout
As the checkout girl scans through the TV dinners for one, the single portion meats and the Microwave easy cook foods she turns to the man and says.. "Awhhhhhh are you single ? " Man says.." yeah how did you know? Was it all the TV dinners for one that gave me away? "....... She says..." NO...your an Ugly Bastard "............. |
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6th March 2012, 04:41
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#1017 (permalink) |
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Shart stop
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Colombo. Sri-Lanka
Posts: 4,319
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What really happened when Elton John and David Furnish decided to have a baby.
They had their sperm mixed together and had a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it. When the baby was born Elton and David were waiting at the hospital. They were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of whom were crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby was smiling serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" Elton said to David. "All these unhappy babies ..... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!" The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!" |
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8th March 2012, 22:44
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#1026 (permalink) | |
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Buenos Aires - Argentina
Posts: 42,355
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8th March 2012, 23:45
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#1027 (permalink) |
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First Team Regular
Join Date: May 2009
Location: All that he's done for this football club and he's been forced to eat shite from a trough out of fergusons arse
Posts: 10,127
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If a stork brings good babies and a raven brings bad babies what brings no babies?
A swallow.... |
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9th March 2012, 19:45
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#1029 (permalink) |
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Reserve Team Player
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Quit yo jibba jabba... you aint hurt!
Posts: 2,751
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It was raining earlier today so I took shelter in the doorway of a peekaboo sex shop. I paid Ł50, went in and there were three doors in front of me which said Blonde, Brunette or Red. I chose the blonde door, went through and was confronted by three more doors that said Small tits, medium tits or big tits. I chose the door with big tits, went through and was confronted by yet another three doors with the choices of Tight Cunt, Bald Cunt or Wet Cunt. I chose wet cunt, went through and ended up back outside in the fuckin rain!
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9th March 2012, 20:32
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#1030 (permalink) | |
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Shawshank redemption
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: I've given the world this riddle, it's mine ©2010. AdZzUtd®
Posts: 13,126
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10th March 2012, 05:34
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#1031 (permalink) |
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Shart stop
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Colombo. Sri-Lanka
Posts: 4,319
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Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews." "Are you sure?" Al asked. "I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews. " "Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews." "Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews!" |
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11th March 2012, 19:05
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#1037 (permalink) |
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Reserve Team Player
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: In limbo with Cobb
Posts: 3,934
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A cat and a rooster are walking along having a chat one afternoon and they're so engrossed in conversation they fail to see a pond and the cat falls in getting drenched. The rooster laughs so much!
The moral of this story is: Wherever there is a wet pussy, there's a happy cock. |
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