a rimaldo guide to...

moyesaldo

convincing other people you have a girlfriend when in all honesty she doesn't exist.

here is a helpful, step-by-step guide to convincing co-workers and family that you have a girlfriend. i'll add some helpful advice and tips on this as the day progresses to give you the appearance of being with someone.

iSparky

i once told a girl she gave me an extreme case of wood, i did good right?

jdmufc

fixed

hurstafus

When asked by friends, if you are free tonight to go out tonight, tell them you are unavailable as your missus wants to go to the theatre. Couple this with a photoshopped image of yourself + a girl from page 4 of a google picture search and your on your way.

moyesaldo

this is a guide for people unable to approach women yet wish to pass themselves off as being with someone. not a guide to chatting them up and getting them in the sack as your line would no doubt have done.

jgraham

I'll add a couple if that is ok.....

When shopping purchase feminine like items, add female deodorants, tampons and girls magazines to your weekly shop. The assistant will have no reason to think anythink other than your buying them for a partner. Also the fact you're comfortable buying such items will also work in your favour.

Spend lots of times looking at engagement rings, each time you visit the town centre drop into the same jewellery shop and look at th esame ring - it'll give the impression that your saving up for it and surely have a girlfriend for whom you're looking to buy the ring.

Stand outside female clothes shops, most blokes do this when their girlfriends are shopping. So stand outside and look at your watch every now and then....foolproof.

hurstafus

Standing outside the ladies toilets also works.

hurstafus

Buy two portions of food in the food hall, this way, they will assume you have bought the second portion for your partner who is sitting at a saved table.

FreakyJim

for all this to work you must have no friends at all and you have to change your "girlfriend" every month in order to keep your curious parents from wanting to meet her

moyesaldo

"i find it hard to settle"

"she wasn't the one for me"

"it's not serious"

are all your friends here.

jdmufc

this is all gold!!

if i ever find myself single i´m using all this stuff!!

a friend of mine () has a request.......

a rimaldos guide to masturbation??

would this be possible??

jgraham

Buy flowers, lots of them - maybe each day on your way home from work from a garage. They'll think your a nice bloke who cares a lot for their girlfriend, at the same time you'll keep your house smelling great.

moyesaldo

this is next.

jdmufc

is this why you have a house full of scented candles??

jgraham

moyesaldo

valentines day is often seen as a bad day for those who are single. nothing is further from the truth. it's the perfect opportunity to convince strangers and family alike that you're with someone. frequently trail through shopping centres in the early part of february standing around the valentines displays and women’s shops, shaking your head after picking up each item before wandering out without buying anything. be sure to tell people how hard it is to find something original that she'll like. perhaps even ask for suggestions. if you're seen by someone you know whilst doing this "shopping" a jackpot scenario looms large.

hurstafus

This can also couple in with a money making scheme.

Purchase straighteners on offer at your local highstreet store. In doing this, the store clerk will assume you are getting them for your girlfriend. Be sure to mention that they are for your girlfriend to clear all potential issues that they're for you. Once at home, place said straighteners on eBay, stating that you bought your girlfriend the wrong one, and have lost the receipt to return to the shop. This will make people on ebay aware that you have a girlfriend, as well as potentially making yourself a few quid.

Bill.s.preston

Eat lots of smelly fish late at night. Don't brush your teeth and then go into work late the next morning looking dishevelled with one of your own pubes stuck to the side of your mouth and some wood glue rubbed into the crotch area of your trousers.

moyesaldo

instead of aftershave buy perfume and spray it sparingly but detectably on your face and crotch before going to work or seeing relatives. this will be unmentioned by them but they'll suspect you have just been close to a woman. for a cuddle or something a little more intimate. the fact you may have sprayed it on yourself won’t even register with them.

MikeUpNorth

Find an attractive lesbian who is scared to come out to her parents/friends, offer her the symbiotic relationship where you get a fake girlfriend and she gets a fake boyfriend.

moyesaldo

always look glum and miserable. a sure fire way to convince people you have a woman in tow.

jgraham

When you get home from work just as your closing the front door shout 'honey i'm home'

hurstafus

Purchase a cardboard cut out of an actress, and place it in the window behind partially transparent see through curtains so you can only see her silhouette.

Be sure to take her down at night.

Dr. Dwayne

moyesaldo

keep an emergency tampon in a handbag and leave it on the back seat of your car in full view of everyone. a sure sign a women you are involved with has recently been in your vehicle. people won't mention this to you but they'll know.

moyesaldo

purchase some daringly coloured lipstick and apply it to yourself. kiss your trousers in a compromising position and wipe the lipstick off your lips. job done. not only do you have a girlfriend you’ve recently received oral. double whammy if i’ve ever seen one.

uae

Save your mother's number on your phone as your pretend girlfriends name. Therefore when you get your daily phone call from your mother you can pretend it's your girlfriend. The sex talk will then seem normal as well.