10 things I will notice from Transfer Deadline Day

Mockney

Ten things we know we'll see on Transfer deadline day | FootballFanCast.com



1. Reporters standing outside, in front of things - Reporters often stand outside, in front of things. Standing outside in front of things is an important pre-requisite of what reporters do. Standing inside of things is far too easy, and probably comfortable, and reporters should never be comfortable inside of things, lest we cotton on that their jobs are actually pretty easy. I once saw a report on the effects of the cold snap on the rise in hospital admissions, which required - naturally - the intrepid reporter to stand in the cold outside of the hospital (all the way across the road from it in fact, so it was nicely in view) interviewing its chief resident doctor for what seemed like an irresponsibly long time in the shivering cold. This interview could quite easily have taken place inside the hospital of course, where stuff was actually happening, or even in said doctor's office, allowing both interviewer and -ee a comfortable level of relaxation, aiding and abetting the fluidity and coherence of the conversation immensely one would imagine. But no, they had to stand outside, in the cold, ironically increasing their chances of getting ill and needing to go to the hospital across the road. Often reporters are made to stand outside in front of important landmarks that have nothing relevant to do with the story they’re discussing, but merely to prove they’re in a place that has something do with the story, and thus “looking busy.” We can expect to see a lot of this kind of pointless behaviour as reporters stand idly about in front of Stamford Bridge or Eastlands despite the actual negotiations taking place in Italy, or at the end of a country road that leads to the training pitch they’re not allowed to go near, just to reassure all us plebs that they’re not merely sitting at home checking their twitter feeds like the rest of us.

2. Ex-Players sitting inside, in cupboards - Whilst reporters are rightly treated like the roaming cattle they are, former players are treated with a modicum more respect by the transfer speculation express. When discussing the possibility of a player’s transfer from one club to the other, it is of course vital to have the opinion of someone who has - at one time or another - played for one club, or the other. This player will likely have no knowledge of the current inner workings of the club, or indeed football itself, having stopped playing in the early '80s and never gotten closer to the game than a celebrity golf tournament since. Yet his opinion will lend gravitas to whatever opinion it is he’s espousing and he’ll be available. Former players are almost always interviewed in two ways; via satellite from a celebrity golf tournament, or in a cupboard full of monitors. The second allows said former player to view footage of said current player, and make insightful observations with words like “which is what he’ll bring to the table” and “a whole new dimension.” If he’s really lucky, he’ll be able to slip in an anecdote about his time at Fulham in 1982.

3. Cars - Cars form a crucially important part of transfer speculation, filling up hours of repeatable filler footage as reporters speculate wildly on the actions of various players from outside of a stadium or the end of a country lane. Most footballers these days drive cars of course, and most of these are inappropriately large, expensive things with tinted windows that all inexplicably look pretty much the same. This means that footage of a large car with tinted windows entering and exiting somewhere nondescript makes the perfect visual filler for virtually any story. As rolling news trundles on in its constant desperation for something to happen, this footage will be replayed endlessly as the hapless “man at the scene” informs us that “we’ve heard nothing yet, but he arrived at training this morning as usual.” Occasionally, to the unbridled joy of the huddled, wild outdoor newsmen themselves, a car will stop and converse with the mass of hungry reporters for anything up to a whole three minutes. Frequently however, this conversation will yield no interesting information, and ‘Arry will simply be asking them if anyone knows the form for the 3:40 at Lingfield.

4. Sunglasses in Airports – In a spin off from the ‘Cars’ motif, constant footage of players walking around airports with a wheeled suitcase dressed like diamond encrusted clowns will abound. This is a must for your more personal rolling news filler, and will mandatorily require the player in question to be wearing sunglasses, despite the fact he’s in England, in the winter and most significantly indoors, contravening Rule 4 of the official people’s guide to not being a complete and utter twat.

5. Women – Due to the recent Sky sexism scandal, women will now perform all acts of reportage leading up to the deadline, as the once proud network that gave us Mile High seeks to claw back its credibility, whilst the other networks seize on their chance to get one over on Old Rupe’s boy’s club. After Richard Keys’ inevitable public flogging (which will take place in The Body Shop and be screened exclusively on Living TV) Helen Chamberlain will be put in charge of all live footballing matters and Jamie Redknapp will (literally) be replaced by Louise – in order to maintain the ancient and accepted quota of Redknapps in football.

6. Boyhood Dreams fulfilled – Once a player has actually signed for a club, much to the orgasmic joy of reporters and viewers everywhere, he will almost certainly be required to declare some kind of pride at his new employment. In many cases, this will include a gushing fulfillment of some cherished aspirational dream. This line can be recycled indefinitely, especially if you’re Robbie Keane and you’ve signed for one of your many numerous boyhood clubs.

7. Arsene Wenger – Arsenal’s raptorially elegant manager is a notable mainstay of the January transfer window. Most notable by his absence in fact, but his constant assurances that he will eventually actually buy someone, but that he doesn’t need to, and actually won’t. Some say Wenger is mistrusting of the process of mid-season transfers, some say he will never buy again, and some say he’s has never actually ever bought anyone anyway, and instead grown all his players form an experimental cress garden in his attic, lending credence to the argument that Marouane Chamakh was made from fossilized Raptor DNA after Wenger had watched Jurassic Park over Christmas one year.

8. Sir Alex Ferguson – Like his nemesis come friend, come nemesis, come friend again, Fergie will be similarly notable for his non-entrance to the mid-winter fray, and his constant assurances that he has actually got lots of money to spend, looaads of it, honest guv, but he just doesn’t see anything he likes, so there. Pfftttttttt.

9. Last minute changes of heart - Some players don’t really care where they go, as long as they go somewhere, so desperate are they to escape from whatever slavish, highly paid hell they’re currently slumming it in. At some point, but almost always at the very last minute, a player will seem destined to sign for one club, only to suddenly decide to switch to another at the last minute, usually on the basis that this club is actually better, but apparently really where he wanted to go to all along, and also his boyhood club, that he’s dreamed of since he kicked balls of newspaper around a Rio slum.

10. Shirts and Tattoos of unsigned players – In the age old tradition of football fans being complete idiots, some irresponsibly excitable fan will decide – wholly unwisely, and probably without the consultation of his doctors – to buy a shirt, or in extreme cases, get a tattoo, with the name and presumed number of a player spuriously linked with his club. Said fan will then be promptly ridiculed by the footballing world at large and drag down the reputation of his exasperated colleagues, most likely at Newcastle or Manchester City. If this doesn’t happen, a photo-shopped picture will appear on the Internet, and everyone will assume it has anyway.

Maciek

Hopefully that's quality wall of text again, Mockney!

I'm reading!

Fiskey

Really good actually, so true!

Xander45

Nice Jurassic Park usage Mockers, you had to sneak it in somewhere.

You missed one though, the inevitably "Agent" in the SSN studio with 19 mobile phones that occasionally go off leading to the presenters jumping for joy at the chance of an exclusive falling in their lap but usually turn out to be his mates ringing cause they saw him on tele.

Ole's_toe_poke

How come you don't notice things after our important matches anymore?

Sky1981

He did have dosh to spend, SAF.

We're not actually skint on the transfer market ourselves, sure we don't have big signing, but the youngster we brought in are investment, jsut because they're not wanking material at first doesnt mean that there's no investment on transfer.

On top of my head : Nani, Evra, Vidic, Anderson, Diouf, Rafael/Fabio, Lindegard, Hargreaves, Ronaldo (then 12.5m)

We had our share of expenditures ourselves to be fair. We're lucky most of them turns out to be a bargain, but still they don't come free

Crustanoid

The muppet frenzy, desperation, suicide, resurrection cycle?

SATA

Speaking of transfers, i'm still thoroughly quizzed by the Bebe signing. A whole 7 million pounds of it

Rado_N

Good read, I'm disappointed that there was no mention of Andy Burton and his multiple mobile phones though.

stubie1234

You can guarantee one thing on deadline day.

Sky will be all over the daftest of deals; one of their reporters will be outside Blackpool or somewhere just because they have signed Leon Best on loan for a month.

Sky = Making the smallest stories sound the most important

711

A good list of our own players is what we need now.

Without another one I might forget who they are.

Team Brian GB

One thing that always seems to happen on transfer deadline day is for SSN reporters to be overcome by 101 teenagers jumping up and down wildly.

F-Red

You've missed the obvious thing from your list Mockney; it's shite.

Mockney

No that's in here...It's #13

x42bn6

Shame we won't see Ryan Babel in a helicopter heading for London, which Sky Sports were so convinced was true...

evra

"Mile High" was a multi-layered drama that never got the credit it richly deserved.

IBleedRed

There will be the obligatory 15 second footage of a transfer linked footballer on his cell phone talking to someone that will be played and replayed all day on every sports show

Mockney

Indeed that is true...But personally I preferred "Is Harry On the Boat"

Team Brian GB

The really hilarious thing SSN did at the end of the summer window was count down the last sixty seconds of the window and listened to Big Ben chime.

Xander45

I cringed at that, especially when they then came back to the studio and said "but it isn't over yet!".

Team Brian GB

They should make transfer deadline day a soccer saturday special, that would make it interesting.

UNBELIEVVVVVABLE JEFF, WOLVES SEND RESERVE GOALKEEPER ON LOAN TO SCUNTHORPE FOR A MONTH!!!!

Xander45

I can already see Dean Windass now

"Umm... Hold on, i think they've just signed someone. I can't tell who it is Jeff so you'll have to come back to me. Wait hold on i think i... no, sorry. But i think they've definitely done something here Jeff just gimme a minute."

evra

That's what I like about Danny Dyer; he makes such brave choices.

Plechazunga

I particularly enjoyed the standing outside in front of things and cars bits

For some reason it puts me in mind of Peter O'Hanraha-Hanrahan

Mockney

lolz

Mockney

The ESPN punditry team are sitting outside, in front of things, for no discernable reason. I assumed when they did it with Townsend on iTV it was cos they didn't want him anywhere near the studio....It's must be chuffin freezing.

Sw33t

Nice read.

Can't wait to see what player a City fan gets tattooed on his body this time around, who wont even sign for them.

I'm guessing it will be Lucio, or similar.

Team Brian GB

What did I say, reporters surrounded by kids making fools of themselves.

Mockney

Fernando Torres Chelsea Shirt - Football Shirts News

Team Brian GB

A randow picture of a Chelsea shirt with Torres on it? I thought this was going to be the Robinho shirt on sale all over again.

Mockney

Someone will have bought it already though.....Now all we need is a Newcastle fan to have just gotten a tattoo of Andy Carroll a la Andy Cole and the set will be complete.

pillory

There's a reporter on SSN turning away from the camera and pointing all over the place to explain the route of a mysterious white people carrier.

Team Brian GB

The direction he was pointing at came from Central London, the West End districts of Kensington, Knightsbridge, Belgravia etc. are a stones throw away in that direction down the Fulham Road.

Mockney

Here's the follow up things for those interested..

10 things we learned from the January Transfer Window | FootballFanCast.com

I might have nicked a couple off things of the Caf...

Rood

Good work Mockney - I especially liked the last bit:

10. We’re the Kings of the castle, and you’re the dirty rascals.- And as the madness swirled around them, and everyone laughed, and cried and generally scratched their heads in utter bafflement at one of the most ridiculous days in English transfer history, the two men at the very top did nothing. The two men who’ve spent the longest at their clubs, building up and nurturing countless generations (well, probably about four) of young and promising players, sat at one and two doing diddily zip. The two men who’ve spent the last few years bleating on to anyone who listened about there being no value in the market, did nothing but watch the market go even more bananas. But then there isn’t really much to do when you’re at the top of the Premier League table. Apart from look down, and perhaps laugh.

peterstorey

Good stuff Mockers - though you must stop making it apparent that you've got bored and can't be arsed to pad out no.9 before signing off with a flourish on 10.

Mockney

....Is it that obvious?..I always get bored by about 7 to be honest. I went through a phase of just doing "6 things i noticed", but they cottoned on to that.

Mister Jeebus

Enjoyable as always, although don't be surprised to get angry letters from this man and his kin after annexing Charlie Adam.

peterstorey

10 of anything like that is too many (the writer struggles to find 10 and the reader gets bored), 5/6 is about right.

Rood

To be honest, I usually read the first few and the last bit - always drops off in quality in the middle section !