Football cliches: Where's the talking!

TheHorse'sMouth

Football Clichés, you'll need to scroll down to the Thursday blog post

Guys who play Sunday League or for a side probably know exactly what I'm talking about. My personal favourite is 'dont let it drop, get your fucking head on it', as the ball is launched into your penalty area only for someone to horribly misjudge the bounce and let the opposition in to score. This was posted up in our uni side's facebook group, and it couldn't be any further away from the truth.

Also 'Box him in'

Any which might have been missed out in that list? Or are there personal ones which annoy the living daylights out of you..

adexkola

"Apart from the goal/assist, he had a shit game". Does my head in that one

AVARiCE

"Winners!" When the ball's in the air. Complete waste of breath.

TheHorse'sMouth

"Stop hoofing it you cunts!"

kouroux

I love this one cause I've seen about a million times
9. "Time!"
The ball drops from the air and a player finds himself in acres of space. Pointing this out to him might seem a good idea. It'll calm him down, allow him to get his head up and play a pass, rather than treat the ball like an unpinned grenade.

However, when ten other players scream "Time! Time!" in unison, it tends to have quite the opposite effect. The futility of the situation is laid bare when, after relinquishing possession easily, the player is offered a final, withering, retrospective observation.

"You had time."

rcoobc

"First ball lads winners!"

"Second ball lads winners!"

TheHorse'sMouth

Centre half giving the linesman at the near touchline the eyes..'Watch him' he says pointing at the striker who is posing all kinds of problems. Minutes later, striker breaks offside trap to tap home a goal. 'He was at least two yards off'..no he fucking well wasn't you incompetent prick, do your job properly instead of instructing others how to do theirs.

TheHorse'sMouth

At corners..'Get a man and stick to him, don't let anyone free otherwise you're cleaning out the changing room bog'. Other team scores.

TheHorse'sMouth

Midfielder receives the ball, doesn't take a look up to assess his options and is flapping around with it aimlessly in the middle of the park. "WHO WANTS IT..GIVE ME AN OPTION".

GE

"First to the ball!"

"Get stuck in!"

TheHorse'sMouth

"Turn and face". Love belting that one out

SharkyMcShark

My most used amateur football shouts are

1. "Back if you need!" (because I play defence)
2. "JUST FUCKING KICK HIM!"
3. "MARKING!"

Jopub

Of course the bog standard "man Ooon" is the classic

7 of your team mates screaming "man on, man on" and although having killed the ball with an exquisite first touch you then jump around like a cat on a hot tin roof for the expected hammer tackle, which then doesn't materialize and you've run around in a fkin circle shielding the ball from nothing and nobody !! having lost time in which you could have done something quick and damaging to the opposition.

Of course the reverse is as good - nobody ses anything at all as you receive a 'hospital' ball from the worst player in your side - you skillfully pull it out of the air bring it under control in one movement and your intentions to do some Bergkamp like defence splitting through ball is then interrupted by a tackle that takes the hide off a fking rhino !!

No "man fking on" there tho !!

Thanks a bunch, as you pull yourself up from the crumpled muddied mess

Plechazunga

"Go home! Go home!"

I used to think this meant lay the ball back to the defence/goalie... but as my "spell of poor form" continues into its fourth year, I suspect now they're just asking me to leave.

PeteReDevil

I always gained confidence whenever the opposition shouts "Come on lads, we've gone quiet!" and dreaded it when hearing it from my teammates.

Always followed by his teammates making grunting sounds whatever they may be doing.


edit:
Grew up in a small town (arent all towns small towns up here?) and when coach set us up on a pig-in-the-middle or just any quick passing practice he told us to call each other by name when we pass it. Always ended up everyone calling out "Kamma!" (Mate!) no matter to whom they're passing it

Minkaro

"Turn and face!"

Unfortunately for my first few games, I spent the entire time staring at my own goalkeeper. If only I'd been given this advice sooner

Plan M

Ray Peterson

An ex-manager of mine used to bellow fantastic instructions from the sidelines, such as "Keep it simple" and "Play the way you're facing" one day he got confused and shouted "look the way you're facing" and he didn't live that down for about a year.

Jopub

Fsakes plech you're just not listening are you mate

Guy Incognito

"Kick it out!"

Plechazunga

They've taken to yelling "take a touch!" at me before I've actually received the ball, due to my inexplicable propensity to try an ambitious first-time pass literally every time I get possession.

The result of them yelling this is that I miscontrol it.

Jopub

Hehe this thread could go into classic 'managerial instructions'

One manager I played under was fking nuts. Scottish, ex army Gorbals ( you name it) and after tirade upon tirade of 'geeing up' 'inspirationals' he'd stand by the dressing room door with his last and final bellowed instructions finger up into your nose "and remember wee laddie .. never forget..BITE BOLLOCK AND FIIIGGGHHHT !!



The first time it kind of did put you into that aggressive frame of mind he wanted but after three games you just thought 'fer chrissakes shut the fk up your damaging my fking ears'

My rolled eyes to the heavens disdain clearly came across as we never did get on me and him, hehe

ArmchairCritic

'Get into 'em!'
'Hooooooollllld it!'
'Turn and Face.'
'In front of ya man.'
'Put yer name on it!!!'
'Win it!'
'Get tight!'

So many vague and shitty cliches in Sunday League football.

Jopub

Are you really Andy fking Carol?

Bread

"Back post" meaning "any where on the opposite side of the pitch".

Someone at my weekly 6 a side thing shouts 'time' anyone plays a pass quickly, even if it was the most perfect precision pass that directly sets up a goal.

rcoobc

"Don't shout mine, put your name on it!" I still don't know why we couldn't shout mine.

Two players go for the same ball. "For fuck sake put a name on it". Two players shout their names and go for the same ball. "Fucking leave it for the other person. Two players leave it for the other person.

The circle continues.

towcester_red

'let them argue with the ref' - 10 minutes in your centre half is booked for dissent.

'give it easy' - at your one player that has to beat a man before passing

Gobo

Remember playing 5 a side one night and one of the lads had the ball wide right. Another friend, "Dick" was free in front of goal. "Dick inside ya!" i roared.

everyone just fell around laughing.

Edmeiste

Plechazunga

I hate it when people shout, "Drop off". By the time I've worked out where they actually want me to drop off to, it's too late.

Edmeiste

Yes! That's the one I hear the most. Ah good times.

Always loved playing with foreigners. It's quite the sight when they start bickering amongst each other.

Edmeiste

Oh pooor poor plech.

towcester_red

Normally people shout dont drop off and let him turn so you could be going wrong there...

ArmchairCritic

Yeah that's a doosie. One time my manager told everyone on the team 'To get tough and physical' adding 'don't be afraid to foul'. He then went through his tactics and as one of our players was making sure he had a free licence to kick some people the manager completely changed his mind and said we needed to be intimidating but no fouling was allowed. I've never been so confused in my life.

ArmchairCritic

One of the ones that always made me laugh was 'Keep an eye on him' that will really help won't it?

rcoobc

I find forcing defenders to keep one arm pointing at the opposition striker helps with their game no end. Doesn't look pretty, but forces them to stay aware of the strikers positioning. Maybe there is something physcological in there too.

jeston

Reminds me of when I was playing in some shite trainers and I couldn't get any height on my shots/passes so on about the 5th shank I shouted "FFS I can't get it up!" to the hilarity of my mates.

ArmchairCritic

Or perhaps they could learn to defend properly and not do that at all.

rcoobc

Why not, and why is it not defending properly? I've noticied Ferdinand often does it still.

Why is it not defending properly?

ArmchairCritic

I thought you were referring in doing it in reference to helping a teammate mark the opposition, I think also you'll find it does very little, often it's just mind games to show the striker on to a certain side. I think you might find having your arm in the air pointing at the guy you are marking might get quite tiresome too. I also think you'd be incredibly surprised at the amount of top flight defenders who never look over their shoulder.