Unexpected answers to funny jokes

McCool · 7th June 2007, 18:00

What's black and white and red all over?

A nun chewing a razor blade.

utdalltheway · 7th June 2007, 18:02

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW car?

There are hundreds of differences. The BMW is an automobile made by a German company that people sit in. The porcupine is an animal that has evolved to have spines on it's body to protect it from predators.

or to put it another way: a porcupine has pricks on the outside.

olesmyhero · 7th June 2007, 18:06

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Pizza guy.

Oh, ok. Here's the money for the pizza. Am I supposed to tip you? Each place is different, some say I should tip, others say I shouldn't.

We accept tips.

What's a good tip for the amount of pizza I had you deliver.

Standard is $1/pizza. So five dollars.

Hm. I seem to be $2 short. Will $3 be alright.

Yeah, I suppose. Have a good night.

You too.

bergen · 7th June 2007, 18:19

Quote:

Originally Posted by olesmyhero

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Pizza guy.

Oh, ok. Here's the money for the pizza. Am I supposed to tip you? Each place is different, some say I should tip, others say I shouldn't.

We accept tips.

What's a good tip for the amount of pizza I had you deliver.

Standard is $1/pizza. So five dollars.

Hm. I seem to be $2 short. Will $3 be alright.

Yeah, I suppose. Have a good night.

You too.

Good one, the standard was dipping a bit but you brought it back from the brink of death.

KingEric7 · 7th June 2007, 18:44

A man walked into a bar.....

"Ouch!"

vanthaman · 7th June 2007, 18:51

how do you get a nun pregnant

have sex with her without protection

the real answer is "Rape Her"

MarliMan · 7th June 2007, 19:03

Quote:

Originally Posted by bergen

Poor attempt.

suck on it!!

Don't Kill Bill · 7th June 2007, 20:22

Daddy where does the sun go when it gets dark?

You go to bed son and don't forget to brush your teeth.

samabachan · 7th June 2007, 20:50

David Beckham walks into a hairdressers wearing a pair of headphones, and sits down in the chair as per usual, and asks for the latest weird creation him and Posh have dreamed up between them. The hairdressers says that's OK, as you would, and so she sets about it. After a couple of minutes she tells Mr. Beckham that if he wants his haircut to look decent, he is going to have to take the headphones off, but he says that there's no chance, he really needs them on.

So she thinks to herself, "hm, that's a bit weird, but OK, I'll try and work round it." After a while, it starts to look stupid though, and so she says, "Mr. Beckham, I'm afraid I'll need to take those headphones off if you please." He tells her that it's impossible, there's no way these babies are coming off, he needs it too much. So she carries on.

Then, finally, when he's starting to look a right prize pillock, she just thinks 'fuck it I'll take 'em off anyway. What's the worst that can happen?' So she does this.

Before she knows it, David drops down dead on the floor of the hairdressers, so she thinks to herself 'shit, I've killed David Beckham, there's no way I'll ever get away with that,' but she reasons that since she's probably going to prison anyway, she might as well have a listen to the headphones.

It was Kanye West's new album, and a post mortem revealed that he had dropped dead of a previously undetected congenital heart defect. After that, the hairdresser's went out of business and closed down. It's now a kebab shop.

CounterStrike · 7th June 2007, 20:54

Quote:

Originally Posted by samabachan

David Beckham walks into a hairdressers wearing a pair of headphones, and sits down in the chair as per usual, and asks for the latest weird creation him and Posh have dreamed up between them. The hairdressers says that's OK, as you would, and so she sets about it. After a couple of minutes she tells Mr. Beckham that if he wants his haircut to look decent, he is going to have to take the headphones off, but he says that there's no chance, he really needs them on.

So she thinks to herself, "hm, that's a bit weird, but OK, I'll try and work round it." After a while, it starts to look stupid though, and so she says, "Mr. Beckham, I'm afraid I'll need to take those headphones off if you please." He tells her that it's impossible, there's no way these babies are coming off, he needs it too much. So she carries on.

Then, finally, when he's starting to look a right prize pillock, she just thinks 'fuck it I'll take 'em off anyway. What's the worst that can happen?' So she does this.

Before she knows it, David drops down dead on the floor of the hairdressers, so she thinks to herself 'shit, I've killed David Beckham, there's no way I'll ever get away with that,' but she reasons that since she's probably going to prison anyway, she might as well have a listen to the headphones.

It was Kanye West's new album, and a post mortem revealed that he had dropped dead of a previously undetected congenital heart defect. After that, the hairdresser's went out of business and closed down. It's now a kebab shop.

marcosdeto · 7th June 2007, 21:35

Little Caroline, who was only 7 years old, tells her parents: "mum, dad, i'm not a vigin anymore" so her parents look at her in disbelief and astonished ask her. "why? what happened?"

my teacher says that my perfect role is as baby jesus

UBERScholes · 7th June 2007, 21:36

What does a man with a two foot cock have for breakfast?

This morning I had a boiled egg

marcosdeto · 7th June 2007, 21:37

Quote:

Originally Posted by UBERScholes

What does a man with a two foot cock have for breakfast?

This morning I had a boiled egg

but you didn't answer the question ...

Lizard King · 7th June 2007, 21:51

Your momma's so fat

She died from high cholestorol, which caused an artheroma and subsequently a heart attack.

KingEric7 · 7th June 2007, 22:03

Quote:

Originally Posted by lizardking125

Your momma's so fat

She died from high cholestorol, which caused an artheroma and subsequently a heart attack.

Hectic · 7th June 2007, 22:13

What did the doctor say to the man?

Hello, you are in perfect health.

Paz · 7th June 2007, 22:13

this is quality

ZaPpeh · 7th June 2007, 22:31

Why did the lion get lost in the jungle?

Because contrary to popular belief, a Lions natural habitat is the open plains and would harldy, if ever venture into wooded areas.

Frosty · 7th June 2007, 22:41

A pakistani man walks into a bar

This is not unusual, as the bar is in Karachi

CounterStrike · 7th June 2007, 22:43

Quote:

Originally Posted by Frosty

A pakistani man walks into a bar

This is not unusual, as the bar is in Karachi

Steev · 7th June 2007, 23:19

What does NASA stand for?

Well it's mission statement is to pioneer the future in space exploration, scientific discovery, and aeronautics research.

EDIT - i was a bit late with this one...

bergen · 7th June 2007, 23:40

Quote:

Originally Posted by samabachan

David Beckham walks into a hairdressers wearing a pair of headphones, and sits down in the chair as per usual, and asks for the latest weird creation him and Posh have dreamed up between them. The hairdressers says that's OK, as you would, and so she sets about it. After a couple of minutes she tells Mr. Beckham that if he wants his haircut to look decent, he is going to have to take the headphones off, but he says that there's no chance, he really needs them on.

So she thinks to herself, "hm, that's a bit weird, but OK, I'll try and work round it." After a while, it starts to look stupid though, and so she says, "Mr. Beckham, I'm afraid I'll need to take those headphones off if you please." He tells her that it's impossible, there's no way these babies are coming off, he needs it too much. So she carries on.

Then, finally, when he's starting to look a right prize pillock, she just thinks 'fuck it I'll take 'em off anyway. What's the worst that can happen?' So she does this.

Before she knows it, David drops down dead on the floor of the hairdressers, so she thinks to herself 'shit, I've killed David Beckham, there's no way I'll ever get away with that,' but she reasons that since she's probably going to prison anyway, she might as well have a listen to the headphones.

It was Kanye West's new album, and a post mortem revealed that he had dropped dead of a previously undetected congenital heart defect. After that, the hairdresser's went out of business and closed down. It's now a kebab shop.

nice work

Man Utd Mrs · 7th June 2007, 23:43

What's the difference between Walt Disney and Bing Crosby?

Bings sings and Walt made massively popular cartoons.

bergen · 8th June 2007, 00:00

A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that last a lifetime.

bergen · 8th June 2007, 00:01

A white man is driving his Cadillac on a highway in Texas. He notices a black man pushing his bicycle along the side of the road.

He pulls over to talk to the black man and offer him a ride. He says "I can't fit your bike in my car, but I can tie it to the back and let you ride behind me. If I'm going too fast, just yell."

The black man says "No thanks, that sounds pretty risky" and keeps pushing his bike down the road.

bergen · 8th June 2007, 00:01

A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?

Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity.

bergen · 8th June 2007, 00:02

A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life.

When asked if he could see the humor in the situation, the child replied "No. No I don't."

bergen · 8th June 2007, 00:04

What do you call a room full of lawyers?
A group of highly educated legal professionals.

marcosdeto · 8th June 2007, 00:21

Quote:

Originally Posted by bergen

A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?

Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity.

cesc's_mullet · 8th June 2007, 03:40

Quote:

Originally Posted by samabachan

7th June 2007, 18:00	#41 (permalink)
McCool Reserve Team Player Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: The Land of Wit and Irony Posts: 1,710	What's black and white and red all over? A nun chewing a razor blade.

7th June 2007, 18:02	#42 (permalink)
utdalltheway First Team Sub Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: USA (orig. Cobh) Posts: 5,986	What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW car? There are hundreds of differences. The BMW is an automobile made by a German company that people sit in. The porcupine is an animal that has evolved to have spines on it's body to protect it from predators. or to put it another way: a porcupine has pricks on the outside.

7th June 2007, 18:06	#43 (permalink)
olesmyhero has a lazy eye...japs eye Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 4000+ miles west of old trafford Posts: 10,088	Knock Knock Who's there? Pizza guy. Oh, ok. Here's the money for the pizza. Am I supposed to tip you? Each place is different, some say I should tip, others say I shouldn't. We accept tips. What's a good tip for the amount of pizza I had you deliver. Standard is $1/pizza. So five dollars. Hm. I seem to be $2 short. Will $3 be alright. Yeah, I suppose. Have a good night. You too.

7th June 2007, 18:44	#45 (permalink)
KingEric7 Winner of the Tabata bet Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: My best moment? I have a lot of good moments but the one I prefer is when I kicked the hooligan. Posts: 12,009	A man walked into a bar..... "Ouch!"

7th June 2007, 18:51	#46 (permalink)
vanthaman Winner of the RedCafe Mickey Mouse Cup 2006 Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: in front of laptop Posts: 11,253	how do you get a nun pregnant have sex with her without protection the real answer is "Rape Her"

7th June 2007, 20:22	#48 (permalink)
Don't Kill Bill Reserve Team Player Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 928	Daddy where does the sun go when it gets dark? You go to bed son and don't forget to brush your teeth.

7th June 2007, 20:50	#49 (permalink)
samabachan Cockface McSticklebrick Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: He plays on the left, he plays on the riiiiiiiight, our boy Ronaldo made you look shite. Posts: 3,105	David Beckham walks into a hairdressers wearing a pair of headphones, and sits down in the chair as per usual, and asks for the latest weird creation him and Posh have dreamed up between them. The hairdressers says that's OK, as you would, and so she sets about it. After a couple of minutes she tells Mr. Beckham that if he wants his haircut to look decent, he is going to have to take the headphones off, but he says that there's no chance, he really needs them on. So she thinks to herself, "hm, that's a bit weird, but OK, I'll try and work round it." After a while, it starts to look stupid though, and so she says, "Mr. Beckham, I'm afraid I'll need to take those headphones off if you please." He tells her that it's impossible, there's no way these babies are coming off, he needs it too much. So she carries on. Then, finally, when he's starting to look a right prize pillock, she just thinks 'fuck it I'll take 'em off anyway. What's the worst that can happen?' So she does this. Before she knows it, David drops down dead on the floor of the hairdressers, so she thinks to herself 'shit, I've killed David Beckham, there's no way I'll ever get away with that,' but she reasons that since she's probably going to prison anyway, she might as well have a listen to the headphones. It was Kanye West's new album, and a post mortem revealed that he had dropped dead of a previously undetected congenital heart defect. After that, the hairdresser's went out of business and closed down. It's now a kebab shop.

7th June 2007, 21:35	#51 (permalink)
marcosdeto Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Buenos Aires - Argentina Posts: 27,835	Little Caroline, who was only 7 years old, tells her parents: "mum, dad, i'm not a vigin anymore" so her parents look at her in disbelief and astonished ask her. "why? what happened?" my teacher says that my perfect role is as baby jesus

7th June 2007, 21:36	#52 (permalink)
UBERScholes I'd find it flattering if someone hard rubbed against me. Join Date: Dec 2004 Posts: 10,086	What does a man with a two foot cock have for breakfast? This morning I had a boiled egg

7th June 2007, 21:51	#54 (permalink)
Lizard King Join Date: May 2007 Location: Anderson's hair Posts: 11,482	Your momma's so fat She died from high cholestorol, which caused an artheroma and subsequently a heart attack.

7th June 2007, 22:13	#56 (permalink)
Hectic Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Created by two, felt by millions - T.I.O.T.R Posts: 21,331	What did the doctor say to the man? Hello, you are in perfect health.

7th June 2007, 22:13	#57 (permalink)
Paz Smudger lover Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: ...corner by Beckham, punched out by James.....CANTONAAAAAA!! Posts: 7,063	this is quality

7th June 2007, 22:31	#58 (permalink)
ZaPpeh Banned Join Date: Mar 2007 Posts: 181	Why did the lion get lost in the jungle? Because contrary to popular belief, a Lions natural habitat is the open plains and would harldy, if ever venture into wooded areas.

7th June 2007, 22:41	#59 (permalink)
Frosty Turns women gay Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Plotting to take over the world with my Illuminati brethren Posts: 7,438	A pakistani man walks into a bar This is not unusual, as the bar is in Karachi

7th June 2007, 23:19	#61 (permalink)
Steev Reserve Team Player Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: off the grid Posts: 2,169	What does NASA stand for? Well it's mission statement is to pioneer the future in space exploration, scientific discovery, and aeronautics research. EDIT - i was a bit late with this one...

7th June 2007, 23:43	#63 (permalink)
Man Utd Mrs MUM knows best Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: So bow down before them,and lift up your eyes....For Old Trafford's Glory will ALWAYS survive.. Posts: 16,768	What's the difference between Walt Disney and Bing Crosby? Bings sings and Walt made massively popular cartoons.

8th June 2007, 00:00	#64 (permalink)
bergen Author of gayest thread 07/08 Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Iceland Posts: 5,009	A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that last a lifetime.

8th June 2007, 00:01	#65 (permalink)
bergen Author of gayest thread 07/08 Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Iceland Posts: 5,009	A white man is driving his Cadillac on a highway in Texas. He notices a black man pushing his bicycle along the side of the road. He pulls over to talk to the black man and offer him a ride. He says "I can't fit your bike in my car, but I can tie it to the back and let you ride behind me. If I'm going too fast, just yell." The black man says "No thanks, that sounds pretty risky" and keeps pushing his bike down the road.

8th June 2007, 00:01	#66 (permalink)
bergen Author of gayest thread 07/08 Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Iceland Posts: 5,009	A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first? Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity.

8th June 2007, 00:02	#67 (permalink)
bergen Author of gayest thread 07/08 Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Iceland Posts: 5,009	A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life. When asked if he could see the humor in the situation, the child replied "No. No I don't."

8th June 2007, 00:04	#68 (permalink)
bergen Author of gayest thread 07/08 Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Iceland Posts: 5,009	What do you call a room full of lawyers? A group of highly educated legal professionals.