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8th June 2007, 12:55
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#81 (permalink) | |
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Gets blow jobs from bearded blokes (or so we've been told)
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: I will only be happy when confusion and chaos reign, I think I've made a reasonable start.
Posts: 1,577
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Gynaecologists surrounded. |
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8th June 2007, 20:54
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#84 (permalink) |
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Reserve Team Player
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: off the grid
Posts: 2,150
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Man - Waiter, waiter there's a fly in my soup!
Waiter - Is there? (looks at soup) Erm..I think that is actually a crouton, sir. Man - Is it? I can't tell without my glasses on. Are you sure? Waiter - Yes I'm quite sure... I'll get chef if you like... Man - No it's ok. I'll take your word for it! Sorry to bother you. Waiter - No problem (minces off to another table) |
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8th June 2007, 23:17
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#85 (permalink) | |
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MUM knows best
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: So bow down before them,and lift up your eyes....For Old Trafford's Glory will ALWAYS survive..
Posts: 16,751
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9th June 2007, 00:01
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#88 (permalink) |
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Reserve Team Player
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 1,005
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A black man is standing at a bus stop in golders green when a rabbi comes out of the synagogue behind him and joins the queue.
the black man says "whens the bus due" the rabbi replies "it should be here in a couple of minutes...theyre pretty regular at this time of the day" |
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9th June 2007, 00:22
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#89 (permalink) |
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Reserve Team Player
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: North Wales
Posts: 4,704
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Why couldn't the landlords pet cat walk in a straight line?
Because it had been bum raped several times by the electrician that had been employed to fix the kitchen lighting, as the bulb had been flickering on and off for a good few days. |
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9th June 2007, 01:20
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#92 (permalink) |
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Reserve Team Player
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: off the grid
Posts: 2,150
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How can you tell if an elephant has been in your fridge?
Well your fridge is fucked, there is food everywhere, there are steaming piles of elephent shit on the fucking lino and there's an elephant in your fucking kitchen. How much evidence do you fucking need??? |
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9th June 2007, 11:32
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#94 (permalink) | |
 Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Glorious City that is Manchester
Posts: 1,729
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Quote:
 class, you dont get these in newbs area. |
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24th August 2007, 19:23
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#98 (permalink) | |
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Reserve Team Player
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Hunting The Hunter !
Posts: 4,583
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24th August 2007, 20:27
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#100 (permalink) |
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Reserve Team Player
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Cash Converters
Posts: 816
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Why don't they sell Viagra in the Jungle?
Because it's not economically viable to market an impotence drug to a sparsely populated tropical ecosystem. ----------- How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb? one. |
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24th August 2007, 22:08
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#101 (permalink) |
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MUM knows best
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: So bow down before them,and lift up your eyes....For Old Trafford's Glory will ALWAYS survive..
Posts: 16,751
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A man went into the local department store where he saw the sign ....
" Dogs must be carried on the escalator". What a responsible stance taken by the Store.This is highly comendable in todays society. |
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24th August 2007, 23:53
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#102 (permalink) |
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Tag Master
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Creator of "Cabbage-Face"™
Posts: 2,850
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A semi-retired construction engineer called Norman walks into a bar and orders a double whiskey on the rocks. Looking around he notices that the gentleman sat down the bar from him had a small orange for a head. Somewhat bemused at this peculiar sight, he shuffles down the bar towards him and catches his gaze.
"Hello there, my name is Norman". An awkard silence decended, so Norman tried to advance the conversation. "I couldn't help but notice that you have a small orange for a head, which is a very perculiar sight indeed. May I ask how this strange condition came to be?" "Well," said the man, "it is a very long tale of triumph and despair - so I will only spin this yarn if you have time to listen". Norman glanced at his watch and noted that he had plenty of time before he was due to have his large hemorrhoid examined at the doctors across the street. "I have plenty of time, so please continue," he replied. "Well," said the man, "it all began a year ago during my time as a soldier. I was on the front line in Iraq with the 21st batallion. We were on a routine border patrol north of Kut when we were hit by a savage dust storm, a storm that raged for hours and refused to release us from its grip. Eventually the veil of night began to fall - and with no chance of a helicopter evac we had to hunker down for the night. While I was digging a shelter I made an incredible discovery - a gold lamp." The man took a generous sip from his bourbon, and with a grim shake of his head he continued, "... that lamp. That damn lamp... I wish I'd never set eyes on the blasted thing. It turned me into this hiddeous freak... this aberration of God! Every time I catch my reflection I curse the moment I found that lamp." Norman shifted on his stool awkwardly, shielding the hemorrhoid from any unnecesary friction. "So," Norman said thoughtfully, "tell me more about this lamp". "Well," said the man, "I took the lamp back with me to base the next morning and began to clean off the sand and grit. Whilst cleaning it the most incredible thing happened... from the spout a magical cloud did flow and right there before my eyes a genie materialised! He was gowned in the finest silk robes and wearing a crown of diamonds. Naturally he offered me four wishes, and the first was an easy one to make. I wished to be back home with my family, away from the bloodshed and pain. The genie clicked his fingers and in a moment of surreal detachment I was transported through a mirage of color for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually these colors began to reassemble themselves into a coherant pattern, and sure enough I was back home with my family, and it was as if I had never left." Norman polished off his whiskey and pondered over the sanity of his drinking partner. A Genie? Wishes? It all sounded a little far fetched. Having said that he could not doubt the authenticity of his ailment and surely a condition this bizarre could not be caused by something from this sphere of reality. "Of course," continued the man, "I realised that I still had three wishes left, so my second wish was to be rich... so wealthy nothing was beyond my ownership or control. Again the genie clicked his fingers, and in that instant I had all the money I could ever spend. Naturally I bought a large house for my family and an expensive car. I also saw that my friends were financially secure for the rest of their lives and treated my wife to a boob job. However, it still wasn't enough." The man gently rotated his wrist, spinning the melting ice around the base of his glass. "So for the next wish I asked to be irresistible to attractive women. For a while I had the most incredible life... not only did I have more money than the rest of the world put together, I had every beautiful women salivating over me. Days of drinking and gambling were followed by nights of sexual indulgence and experimentation. I was losing my grip on reality - so I had to use the final wish. I had to free myself from the person I was becoming." Norman saw the pain in his eyes and the sorrow eched across his very being. "So what brought you to this point? How did you end up with this ghastly mutilation?" asked Norman. The man sat upright and turned to face him. His eyes glazed, his brow furrowed. "Well, I'd already wished for all the money in the world, and to be able to have any beautiful women, to me the next wish was clear... (wait for it) "I wished I had a small orange for a head." |
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25th August 2007, 00:43
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#104 (permalink) | |
 Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Buenos Aires - Argentina
Posts: 27,782
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5th February 2008, 19:20
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#109 (permalink) | |
 Join Date: May 2007
Location: Anderson's hair
Posts: 11,248
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