Unexpected answers to funny jokes

NWR · 5th February 2008, 21:07

How do you stop a Liverpool fan from drowning?

Well of course you could jump in and use your life saving skills to bring him safely back to dry land, or you could warn him about the dangers of being in water in the first place, but most importantly it would be wise to take your foot off his head.

NWR · 5th February 2008, 21:14

What is the difference between a Trampoline and a Scouser?

One is a round rubber or other man made bouncy type thing, the other is in general an obnoxious ginger haired spotty faced twat, with an accent that makes you want to violently vomit projectile style. But one has to admit that the most obvious difference is the fact that you would take your Dr Martins off to jump on a Trampoline.

Steev · 5th February 2008, 21:21

What time did the Chinese man go to the dentist?

4.45pm. He was offered an appointment at half-past two but, as he is a temp, he gets paid by the hour and couldn't really afford to take the whole afternoon off as he is saving up to go to University.

Lizard King · 5th February 2008, 23:32

What do you call a muslim in the kitchen?

The chef.

Hectic · 5th February 2008, 23:37

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

Nothing. They are fucking snowmen.

Sam#1 · 5th February 2008, 23:43

Surely this should go in the classics ?

esmufc07 · 5th February 2008, 23:43

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hectic

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

Nothing. They are fucking snowmen.

Hectic · 5th February 2008, 23:44

Knock, Knock.

Come in. I've been expecting you.

esmufc07 · 5th February 2008, 23:45

Knock Knock

Who's There

Jehovah's Witnesses

Piss Off

Redlambs · 5th February 2008, 23:46

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Tom Cruise.

What do you want Mr cruise?

Did you know you have an alien in your head?

Lizard King · 5th February 2008, 23:47

It needs a bit more quality to make it in to the classics IMVHO, we must create better jokes!

Think people, think!

Steev · 5th February 2008, 23:48

Knock Knock!

Who's there?

Tim. I forgot my keys again!

Nobhead! They're on the fridge, I think.

Redlambs · 5th February 2008, 23:49

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Ach.

Ach who?

Bless you!

Fuck of, god squad.

Lizard King · 5th February 2008, 23:50

Quote:

Originally Posted by olesmyhero

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Pizza guy.

Oh, ok. Here's the money for the pizza. Am I supposed to tip you? Each place is different, some say I should tip, others say I shouldn't.

We accept tips.

What's a good tip for the amount of pizza I had you deliver.

Standard is $1/pizza. So five dollars.

Hm. I seem to be $2 short. Will $3 be alright.

Yeah, I suppose. Have a good night.

You too.

The best by a mile

Steev · 5th February 2008, 23:51

Knock Knock

Yeah that's a good album. I love Smog.

So do I.

*sex happens*

esmufc07 · 5th February 2008, 23:51

A man goes jogging but forgets to put his shoes on.

So he goes back and gets them.

Sam#1 · 5th February 2008, 23:52

What do you call a Pakistani man on the underground ?

A passanger, you fucking racist!

NWR · 5th February 2008, 23:53

Quote:

Originally Posted by Redlambs

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Ach.

Ach who?

Bless you!

Fuck of, god squad.

Two of Gods squad knock on the door.

Oh fuck me pink, hide behind the couch. Shhhhh

Hectic · 5th February 2008, 23:53

What is worse then finding a fly in your soup?

Gang rape.

Redlambs · 5th February 2008, 23:54

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!

What are you, the fucking health inspector?

Well yes.

Shit.

Sam#1 · 5th February 2008, 23:54

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hectic

What is worse then finding a fly in your soup?

Gang rape.

I'm literally in tears.

NWR · 5th February 2008, 23:56

DJS and NJred walked up to a bar.

The conversation was pointless, boring and full of shit, but thats the norm for them and they had a great night out.

Steev · 5th February 2008, 23:56

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steev

What is worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Being sent to prison and getting raped.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hectic

What is worse then finding a fly in your soup?

Gang rape.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sam#1

I'm literally in tears.

So am I....

Get your own material Hectic.

Hectic · 5th February 2008, 23:57

Didn't even see your's there Steev. Very similar jokes.

esmufc07 · 5th February 2008, 23:58

What's worse than Rape?

Sex with Vanessa Feltz.

Hectic · 5th February 2008, 23:58

What do you call a woman with one leg?

Whatever her name is.

esmufc07 · 5th February 2008, 23:58

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hectic

What do you call a woman with one leg?

Whatever her name is.

Heather Mills?

NWR · 6th February 2008, 00:00

Quote:

Originally Posted by esmufc07

Heather Mills?

You could call my gran that, but you wouldnt want to shag her.

Steev · 6th February 2008, 00:00

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hectic

Didn't even see your's there Steev. Very similar jokes.

You'll be hearing from my lawyers in the morning.

Hectic · 6th February 2008, 00:01

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steev

You'll be hearing from my lawyers in the morning.

I'm deaf.

Sam#1 · 6th February 2008, 00:01

Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:

George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years"

Herman: "Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days"

George: "*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill
a man and get 3 days???"

Herman: "Yep....

...they hang me on Wednesday"

Nialler · 6th February 2008, 00:03

Quote:<

5th February 2008, 21:07	#121 (permalink)
NWR Smile you miserable old git Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: LoobyLu`s abode Posts: 6,460	How do you stop a Liverpool fan from drowning? Well of course you could jump in and use your life saving skills to bring him safely back to dry land, or you could warn him about the dangers of being in water in the first place, but most importantly it would be wise to take your foot off his head.

5th February 2008, 21:14	#122 (permalink)
NWR Smile you miserable old git Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: LoobyLu`s abode Posts: 6,460	What is the difference between a Trampoline and a Scouser? One is a round rubber or other man made bouncy type thing, the other is in general an obnoxious ginger haired spotty faced twat, with an accent that makes you want to violently vomit projectile style. But one has to admit that the most obvious difference is the fact that you would take your Dr Martins off to jump on a Trampoline.

5th February 2008, 21:21	#123 (permalink)
Steev Reserve Team Player Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: off the grid Posts: 2,169	What time did the Chinese man go to the dentist? 4.45pm. He was offered an appointment at half-past two but, as he is a temp, he gets paid by the hour and couldn't really afford to take the whole afternoon off as he is saving up to go to University.

5th February 2008, 23:32	#124 (permalink)
Lizard King Join Date: May 2007 Location: Anderson's hair Posts: 11,454	What do you call a muslim in the kitchen? The chef.

5th February 2008, 23:37	#125 (permalink)
Hectic Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Created by two, felt by millions - T.I.O.T.R Posts: 21,331	What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Nothing. They are fucking snowmen.

5th February 2008, 23:43	#126 (permalink)
Sam#1 First Team Regular Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: I'm in love with a girl I can't have :-( (It's not JLS) Posts: 12,521	Surely this should go in the classics ?

5th February 2008, 23:44	#128 (permalink)
Hectic Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Created by two, felt by millions - T.I.O.T.R Posts: 21,331	Knock, Knock. Come in. I've been expecting you.

5th February 2008, 23:45	#129 (permalink)
esmufc07 Smashed's bitch Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: A good fortune may forbode a bad luck, which may in turn disguise a good fortune Posts: 6,157	Knock Knock Who's There Jehovah's Witnesses Piss Off

5th February 2008, 23:46	#130 (permalink)
Redlambs First Team Sub Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Be careful what you reply, unless you want to be drawn with Carragher's cock up your arse... Posts: 6,127	Knock, knock. Who's there? Tom Cruise. What do you want Mr cruise? Did you know you have an alien in your head?

5th February 2008, 23:47	#131 (permalink)
Lizard King Join Date: May 2007 Location: Anderson's hair Posts: 11,454	It needs a bit more quality to make it in to the classics IMVHO, we must create better jokes! Think people, think!

5th February 2008, 23:48	#132 (permalink)
Steev Reserve Team Player Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: off the grid Posts: 2,169	Knock Knock! Who's there? Tim. I forgot my keys again! Nobhead! They're on the fridge, I think.

5th February 2008, 23:49	#133 (permalink)
Redlambs First Team Sub Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Be careful what you reply, unless you want to be drawn with Carragher's cock up your arse... Posts: 6,127	Knock, knock. Who's there? Ach. Ach who? Bless you! Fuck of, god squad.

5th February 2008, 23:51	#135 (permalink)
Steev Reserve Team Player Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: off the grid Posts: 2,169	Knock Knock Yeah that's a good album. I love Smog. So do I. sex happens

5th February 2008, 23:51	#136 (permalink)
esmufc07 Smashed's bitch Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: A good fortune may forbode a bad luck, which may in turn disguise a good fortune Posts: 6,157	A man goes jogging but forgets to put his shoes on. So he goes back and gets them.

5th February 2008, 23:52	#137 (permalink)
Sam#1 First Team Regular Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: I'm in love with a girl I can't have :-( (It's not JLS) Posts: 12,521	What do you call a Pakistani man on the underground ? A passanger, you fucking racist!

5th February 2008, 23:53	#139 (permalink)
Hectic Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Created by two, felt by millions - T.I.O.T.R Posts: 21,331	What is worse then finding a fly in your soup? Gang rape.

5th February 2008, 23:54	#140 (permalink)
Redlambs First Team Sub Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Be careful what you reply, unless you want to be drawn with Carragher's cock up your arse... Posts: 6,127	Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! What are you, the fucking health inspector? Well yes. Shit.

5th February 2008, 23:56	#142 (permalink)
NWR Smile you miserable old git Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: LoobyLu`s abode Posts: 6,460	DJS and NJred walked up to a bar. The conversation was pointless, boring and full of shit, but thats the norm for them and they had a great night out.

5th February 2008, 23:57	#144 (permalink)
Hectic Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Created by two, felt by millions - T.I.O.T.R Posts: 21,331	Didn't even see your's there Steev. Very similar jokes.

5th February 2008, 23:58	#145 (permalink)
esmufc07 Smashed's bitch Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: A good fortune may forbode a bad luck, which may in turn disguise a good fortune Posts: 6,157	What's worse than Rape? Sex with Vanessa Feltz.

5th February 2008, 23:58	#146 (permalink)
Hectic Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Created by two, felt by millions - T.I.O.T.R Posts: 21,331	What do you call a woman with one leg? Whatever her name is.

6th February 2008, 00:01	#151 (permalink)
Sam#1 First Team Regular Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: I'm in love with a girl I can't have :-( (It's not JLS) Posts: 12,521	Two prisoners are talking about their crimes: George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years" Herman: "Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days" George: "WHAT??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days???" Herman: "Yep.... ...they hang me on Wednesday"

6th February 2008, 00:03	#152 (permalink)
Nialler Alex's Dad Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Nyler Posts: 8,786	Quote:<