Discussion in 'General Forum' started by bazalini, Jan 23, 2009.
Sorry if any of these have been posted already - just had them in an email and have taken out the ones I know are here.
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet.
She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop wanking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
I just saw that Harry Potter film.
A bit unrealistic if you ask me.
I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN USING THE "F' WORD WAS APPROPRIATE
#10 -- "Scattered fucking showers, my ass!" - Noah 4314 BC
# 9 - "How the fuck did you work that out?" Pythagorus, 126 BC
# 8 - "You want THAT on the fucking ceiling?" - Michelango, 1568< BR>
# 7 - "Where did all those fucking Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
# 6 - "It does so fucking look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
# 5 - "Where the fuck are we?" - Amelia Earhardt, 1937
# 4 - "Any fucking idiot could understand that!" - Einstein, 1938
# 3 - "What the fuckwas that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima , 1945
# 2 - "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head!" - JFK.1963
# 1 - "Aw c'mon, who the fuck is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton, 1997
What was the difference between Patrick Swayze & Keith Floyd? One shaked body parts, and the other baked shoddy tarts!
Ugly scenes in Manchester city centre tonight.
Tevez and Lescott were having a drink.
My mate was bragging about his new hearing aid, 'It's the most expensive one I've ever had, it cost me £1800'
'What kind is it?' I asked him
'Half past four' he replied
I just read about the 26yr old lesbian public school teacher who has been jailed for having a sexual relationship with a student.
Does Crimewatch take requests for reconstructions?
Man Utd's dressing room minutes before kick off in the derby:
"Right I want 110% effort from the word go against this blue shit. Remember the bastards did us on the anniversary of Munich. If you don't win today, those cockney fuckers at Chelsea will have six points on us. Now I don't care if you kick, punch or headbutt your way to victory, you just fucking win this. Good luck". Then Fergie walks in and says "Thanks ref, I'll take it from here"
I was in bed with the wife last night and let out a huge fart.
"You're disgusting," she said. "You never did that when we first met. What happened that lovely bloke from ten years ago?"
I said, "He's probably getting sucked off by that girl with the tight arse that used to love giving head."
That shut her up.
My girlfriend left me for a deaf guy.
To be honest I should have seen the signs.
i asked my dentist what i could do about my yellow teeth,
he said "wear a brown shirt!"
I'm not normally suspicious, but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected his special resin into her crack.
She hasn't even got a car
A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking, Sir?"
"No. Why?" replies the man. "Was I all over the road?"
"No," replies the officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."
I signed up for the 'health updates by text' service from Boots.
Today they sent me one saying,
'OMG HIV LOL.'
I was recently in court on charges of taking a vehicle without consent. To sum up the judge said:
‘I sentence thee
to a year plus three
behind iron bars
for stealing cars.’
I couldn’t really argue, it was poetic justice.
Apparently the latest craze with clubbers is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka and drink it with a straw. Experts are now warning about the dangers of minge drinking.
I watched the England game, streamed on my PC, at the weekend. It felt really weird watching a video on my PC without my cock in my hand.
I volunteered to do a stint in a soup kitchen.
At closing time, some get quite resentful when you say, "Come on, some of us have got homes to go to."
A short message of support for Stephen Gately's husband.
Chin up mate, hopefully you'll be back on your knees in no time.
I went to a funeral yesterday with my girlfriend, It was the first time I had met most of her family.
God they're miserable fuckers.
I recently saved a ton of money on my car insurance.
By fleeing the scene of the accident.
What looks scared and gives blowjobs?
Anyone I wave my knife at.
Getting Dwight Yorke to stick a can of Mr Sheen up your arse does not constitute being raped by a household name.
After wasted years of looking for him, America has finally offered a $100,000,000 reward for Osama Bin Laden.
Man City have subsequently offered $105,000,000
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub.
We didn't invite the Welshman because he's a cunt.
Yesterday, my mum asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party. That's when I realised he was the favourite twin.
I used to run a dating agency for chickens.
But I was struggling to make hens meet.
Four skills I possess while shaving my nuts, that I wish I could apply to other aspects of my life.
A young jockey and his stable lass girlfriend make the decision to get married. Everything is planned and the couple intend to honeymoon in Spain. They get married and set off on their honeymoon.
They arrive at the hotel and while signing in the lady at the reception desk asks the jockey
'We have two suites available for you, would you like the bridal?'
the jockey replies 'No thanks, I'll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!'
This fella was asked by a work colleague what he bought his wife for Valentine's day.
"A new belt and a bag" ,came the reply.
"Ooh !...That's nice" said one of the girls...
"Yes" he says," She should get another few years out of that hoover! "
Separate names with a comma.