Discussion in 'General Forum' started by Davo, Sep 25, 2006.
I wonder why the stories got gradually more outrageous...
Grinner you are one dirty fucker
I fucked the office bike on two separate occasions. I managed to keep it secret from the other lads though. She was fucking minging and had done all the middle managers over the years. She nailed me when I was helplessly hammered.
I woke up in the morning, looked over, saw it and groaned when I realized what I'd been putting my todger in hours earlier. I still insisted on getting a nosh though before we left for work.
I once got off with this bird at a new years eve party, she was sort of a local bike. It was late o'clock and desparation was upon me. Got stuck well into her and was suprised to find she was extremely horny and wet. Was well chuffed with myself til my mate told me he'd done her in the toilet half an hour before - her love juice was actually his.
I think it already is in some places.
sloppy seconds eh
im proud to say of you lad
take an 'AIDs is not funny' badge
I was watching some porn last night where two blokes are doing this bird. They both stick their dicks up her fanny thereby rubbing dicks.
That's fucking gay as far as I'm concerned.
i bet you wanked over it you dirty fucker
No, I hung on waiting till they did her up the shitter.
I ran into someone I went to high school with. We went to get a couple drinks. A couple turns into a shitload of beer and shots. We go back to my place. She says she is married and has 2 kids. We fuck that night and the next morning.
So, to put it another way, you were watching some gay porn last night
Nothing wrong with being gay - so long as you're a lesbian - like me.
Unfortunately Sex TV is a game of chance. I already told the story of watching it few weeks back and being assailed by two trannies fucking a bloke.
The other night there were twelve blokes rotating between fucking an 18-year old up the pooper. It's a crapshoot as our American friends would say.
Sex TV is really low budget in Canada, they can't even afford proper porn, their latest advertising spree promises 9 1/2 Weeks and .............................. American Pie. Shannon Elizabeth's tits aren't that amazing, and Jason Biggs didn't really put that much effort in, you'd think the country would benefit at least in one way from having a French population.
someone flush this thread.
only because your still a virgin and have no pulling stories doesn`t mean this thread should be flushed.
imho it`s an excellent thread
My best ones now seem rather tame.
Birds normally pull me so i don't ever have to do any of the work you ugly fuckers have to
When you say pull you.
Do you mean pull you off their friend and you try to force your drunk slobbering self upon her?
Tell us the story and we will let you know.
I once pulled this bird, she was alright as well. So in my drunken haste to bone her, i kicked in the door to the cafe that accompanies the local bowling green. Things were starting to get hot and heavy if you catch my drift.
So there I am on top of her, going for it like my life depended on it. This bitch was screaming. AND I MEAN SCREAMING. I thought "Go on lad, you stallion you !". Then it occured to me that all was not as it seemed. The poor bitch was lying, bare back and ass on a red hot pipe. I felt a right cnut. Didn't do much for the male ego.
Funny thing was, she doesn't speak to me now...
I tried that one at a funeral once.
You lot wanna top story? Beat this:
My mate worked with a bloke, who told him this story-
Well aparently this bloke was ramming this bird on a pool table, and she was a real dirty bitch too. So the bloke shoved a billiard ball up her twat, which happened to go rather deep. Anyway the poor bint couldn't get it out with her hands, so she started pushing so hard she shat all over the table.
The bloke scampered quick smart leaving the poor bint lying in a pile of shite with a billiard ball stuck up her clacker.
Though, not a very believable story.
Did He Name His Pocket ?
2 shots carry over?
I actually met the bloke once, and trust me, it happened.
Did you have a frame or 2 with him cesc ?
he should have shoved a pool stick up her ass and lever the ball out
pot the red and screw back, for the yellow green brown blue pink and black
snooker loopy nuts are we, we're all snooker poopy...
How did it feel
@ this thread (nothing more to add )
I had this mate who used to work away and only came home of a weekend. Anyway I decided one day that I fancied his bird, and so, when he went away to work I began a relentless pursuit of his girlfriend showing a total disreguard for our friendship and also for the feelings of my own bird at the time, only curbing my enthusiastic wooing when he came home at the weekend.
Anyhoo, after a few weeks of constant pestering and badgering, following her around, waiting outside her place of work and spending endless hours hiding in her back street staring up at her bedroom window (I'm sure there must have been somebody else around at the time as she kept shouting things like 'I know you are there' and 'If you don't fuck off I'm calling the police' but I never saw him or I'd have seen him off myself), she caved in and profesed that she loved me, well at least she said she would go out with me If I promised to leave her alone in the future, but I knew what she really meant, playing hard to get you see.
The one condition was I had to end it with my then girlfriend who I was still seeing (well all your eggs and one basket and all that sort of thing, right fellas)
Being the chivalrous and totally decent bloke that I am I agreed, breaking the heart of my then girlfriend by telling her to 'fuck off, I've found someone better' I had to let her down gently didn't I, after all, it wasn't her fault, well not entirely anyway, the fact she didn't give head had nothing to do with it, honest.
This just goes to show people, that if you have a blatant disreguard for the feelings of others you can achieve anything, a lesson in life that you would all do well to take note of.
I had to share this story with you and just hope you don't think any less of me now that you can see what a romantic old fool I am.
Love conquers all.
mods, please ban rutilus.
thanx in advance
Was it one of your home videos?
thats (a) foul
Wanna read the greatest story ever?????
Oh and its not mine
I was seeing one girl, Jaime about twice a week. She was a fresh arrival to South Beach, having moved there 5 months ago from upstate New York as a 19 year old with a modeling contract. We met through a mutual friend who befriended her while they were shooting a TV commercial. Five weeks and lots of sex later, she thought we were dating. I knew better, but she was way too hot to bother correcting her assumption.
The ex-girlfriend of 4years I previously spoke about was very sexually conservative. It was missionary in the dark and then straight to sleep, with maybe a blowjob on the weekends if she'd had a few glasses of wine with dinner (it was a high school relationship, I didn't know any better). After four years of this, I was ready to experience all the things I'd missed out on (when I wasn't cheating on her, of course).
Buttsex, known in the biz as anal was one of these unknowns, and I decided that I wanted to try it. Jaime was the perfect partner: very hot and very sweet, and more importantly, very naïve and very open to suggestion.
She was reluctant at first, not understanding why we just couldn't keep having normal sex, so I had to employ my persuasive powers:
Jaime "But.I've never done it."
Tucker "I've never done it either; it can be our thing."
Jaime "But.I don't know if I'll like it."
Tucker "You won't have to worry about getting pregnant."
Jaime "But.I like normal sex."
Tucker "Everyone's doing anal.
Jaime "But...I don't know...it seems weird."
Tucker "It's the preferred method in Europe. Especially with the runway models. Don't you want to do runways in Europe?"
After a few weeks she finally consented.
Thanks to my father's connections, I got us a corner booth in the grass room. She was quite impressed. I ordered like it was the Last Supper. No expense was spared. Two $110 bottles of merlot, veal rack, stone crabs, the Tantra Love platter--it was lavish and decadent. I was 21, stupid, and wanted to fuck Jaime in the butt; I wasn't about to let a $400 tab get in my way.
By the time we left Tantra, this girl had doe eyes that made Bambi look like a heroin-chic CK model. She could not have been more in love with me. The entire drive back to my place she was rubbing my crotch, telling me how badly she wanted to me to fuck her, how hot I made her, etc, etc. We get back to my place and our clothes are off before we even get in the door. We collapse on the bed and start fucking. Normal vaginal sex at first, just like always.
Now, what she did not know, and what I have not told you yet, was that I had a surprise waiting for her.
This was going to be my first time foraging in the ass forest, and I wanted to have a reminder of my trip, a memento I could carry with me the rest of my life...so I decided to film us.
I planned this beforehand, but I was afraid she would decline, so instead of being mature and discussing this with Jaime, I just made the executive decision to get it on camera...without telling her.
That alone is pretty bad. But instead of just setting up a hidden camera...I got my friend to hide in my closet and film it.
No really--I know that I will burn in hell. At this point, I'm just hoping that my life can serve as a warning to others.
I left my door unlocked and we arranged it so that around midnight my friend would go over to my place and wait until my car pulled in, and then run into the closet and get the camera ready. The top half of the closet door was a French shutter, so it was easy to move the slats and give him a decent camera shot through the closed door.
By the time Jaime and I got to the bed, I was so drunk I had forgotten that he was filming this, and of course she had no idea he was there. After a few minutes of standard sex, she kinda stopped and said, all serious and in her best seductive soap opera voice, "I'm ready."
I quickly flipped her over and grabbed the brand new bottle of AstroGlide I had on my bedside table.
A week prior, after Jaime consented to buttsex, I realized that I didn't have any idea how to do it. How exactly do you fuck a girl in the ass? Luckily, I had the world's best anal sex informational resource at my disposal: The gay waiter. I consulted several gay waiters who worked at one of my parents restaurants about the mechanics of buttsex, and each one recommended AstroGlide as the lubricant of choice. Much to my dismay, I learned that spitting on your dick is not enough lube for buttsex. Stupid, lying porn movies.
The other important piece of advice I remembered was from Calvin, "Make sure you use enough, because if this is her first time, she'll be especially tight, and it might hurt her. Use enough to really loosen her up and go slow until she gets used to it. Then it's smooth sailing from there."
Well, since some is good, more is better, right? At 21, this seemed logical.
I opened the cap, crammed the bottle top into her asshole, and squeezed. I probably emptied half of the 4-ounces of AstroGlide into her. I have since learned from homosexuals that a 4-ounce bottle usually lasts them about 6 months. So yeah--I overdid it.
then I dumped half of what remained onto my cock and balls, really wanting to lube up because I didn't want her to be uncomfortable.
Really--consider my thought process: I was going to fuck her in the butt and film it without her consent, yet I was truly concerned about her personal comfort. Sometimes the contradictions in my personality even amuse me.
Predictably, I slid in with ease. She was a little tense at first, but with an Exxon Valdez size load spilled into her poop chute, she quickly loosened up and got into it. I liked it also; it had a different feel to it. Not as good as vaginal sex, a little grainy, kinda tight, but still very nice.
Before I knew it I was fucking her like the apocalypse was imminent, burying it to the hilt and I began really jackhammering her. As the excitement got the best of me, I pulled out too far and my dick came out of her ass. I kinda scrambled to grab my dick and put it back in so I could finish off inside of her, but before I could even get a hold of it and put it back in her ass, I heard a faint "psst" sound and felt something wet and warm hit my crotch.
It was dark in the room (I was not smart or sober enough to leave the lights on for the camera), so after I looked down it took me a few seconds to realize that my dick, balls and groin area were covered in a viscous black liquid. I stopped moving and stared at my strangely colored crotch for a good 5 seconds, completely confused, until I realized what happened:
"Did you...did you just...shit on my dick??"
I reached down to touch the liquid feces, still in complete and utter disbelief that this girl shot explosive diarrhea on my penis, when, without warning, the smell hit me.
I have a very sensitive nose, and I have never been more repulsed by a smell in my life. The combination of synthetic AstroGlide and rancid stench of raw fecal matter combined to turn my stomach, which was full of seafood, veal and wine, completely over.
I tried to hold it back. I really did everything I could to stop myself, but there are certain physical reactions that are beyond conscious control. Before I knew what I was doing, it just came out:
I vomited all over her ass. Into her crack. Into her asshole. On her ass cheeks. On the small of her back. Everywhere.
She turned her head, said, "Tucker, what are you doing?," saw me vomiting on her, screamed "Oh my God!," and immediately joined me:
Watching her throw up on my bed made me vomit even more. Her vomiting all over my bed, me vomiting on her ass, the next step was almost inevitable.
I heard the loud CRASH first, turned to see my friend break through the shutters and rip the closet door off as he, the video camera, and the door tumbled out of the closet and crashed onto the floor next to us:
The memory of the 2-second span where all three of us were vomiting at once is permanently seared into my brain. I have never heard anything like that symphony of sickness. It was like something out of the old Pink Panther movies.
I think the crowning moment was when my eyes locked with Jaime's, I saw her moment of realization and then her quick shift from shock and surprise to complete and irreparable anger. Between bouts of hurling she flipped out:
"OH MY GOD--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--YOU FILMED THIS, YOU ASSHOLE-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH-- HOW COULD YOU-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--OH MY GOD-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--I LET YOU FUCK ME IN THE ASS--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH."
She tried to stand up, slipped on the huge puddle of backflow AstroGlide on the bed, and fell into both my pile and her pile of vomit, covering her body and hair in vomit, shit and anal lubricant. She flailed on the bed for a second, grabbed the top sheet, wrapped it around her, and started running out of my place. Still naked and retching, my dick covered in shit and oil, I followed her as far as my front door.
The last contact I ever had with her is the image I witnessed of her in a dead sprint, a shit, vomit and grease stained sheet stuck to her body, running from my apartment.
Separate names with a comma.