The Man United Ministry of Muggles and Squibs.

Discussion in 'Manchester United Forum' started by Gandalf Greyhame, Sep 22, 2018.

  1. Sep 22, 2018
    #1

    Gandalf Greyhame Full Member Scout

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    Hear, hear!

    Football and points are nice and all, but I'd like to draw the attention of the audience to an important philosophy we are adhering to since good ol' Whiskey-Nose left this institution.

    We at the Man United are very pleased to have squashed the magic out of our employees. No more of that nonsense, good sirs - we've had enough of that loathsome activity. Enough of good young fellas in jerseys, prancing around on the pitch dancing on the ball, trying crazy flicks, dribbles or fancy moves. Enough of last minute winners, scripted debuts, stories which have happy endings and this ridiculous notion of 'pashun'. God forbid we see the likes of that again on our premises.

    Over the last few years, we at Man United's Ministry of M&S have worked tirelessly to curb this sort of nasty behaviour. In the days of Mr. Moyes, we had to toil away at the old magicians - the urchins Nani, van Persie and this young plucky lad called Wilf Zaha. We got the audience to boo Nani's touches, kept van Persie on the bench and fused rumours of the young Wilfy fella. Of course, magic being evil as it is, reared up its ugly head in the likes of Adnan Januzaj and Juan Mata. We acknowledge the difficulty in dealing with those two, but within a year we had squashed the ugly thing out of both of them, too.

    By 2015 we had established that we were dealing with a Hydra-esque villainy, and that our only hope was to chop off the heads more quickly than they grew back. Before Angel di 'fanny' Maria could establish himself, or Memphis could make a name out of himself, we had successfully turned away the squibs like Kagawa and Chicharito, worn out and scrubbed away at the old ones in Rooney and Giggs.

    Our mettle was truly tested in 2017, when this dour Portugese fella led to an influx of some major big guns. These weren't street magicians, or hobbyists. These were thorough professionals, steeped in the dark arts. This giant of an egotist fella, Zlatan something, would glide between defenders, and leave tacklers for dead. Don't even get us started on his sidekick, Pogba. He nearly got us into magic ourselves. But we kept at our job, and started at the fringes. We framed the flamboyant Depay for his lifestyle, destroyed the Armenian Mivkheyblahblah next, and then removed the old Ibra from action.

    It was during this duration that we became experts at our job. Come Sanchez, we turn him into a Muggle. Come Martial, we expose him for a Squib. Come Lukaku, we Squib him into a Muggle. Academy product Rashford? We are churning away at him as we speak. There is no more magic at Man United, bar this Pogba fella. Don't worry! We'll get to him, too, and if we can't, we'll expel him from our no-magic premises. Let our rivals get infected by this grotesque disease, but we make a solemn promise that on our watch, there will be no more of this tomfoolery at Manchester United, and that our transformation to Muggles will be complete soon.

    It remains our deepest regret that we couldn't operate our arts on the likes of Firmino, Salah, Bernardo Silva, Mahrez, Sane, Eriksen, Coman or Willian. We are confident we would have turned them into first-class Muggles, too.

    Looking forward to our next subjects over the next years, and,

    Thanking you for your support,
    The Man United Ministry of Muggles and Squibs.
  2. Sep 22, 2018
    #2

    Irrational. Full Member

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    What did I just read? :nervous:
  3. Sep 22, 2018
    #3

    OldSchoolManc Full Member

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    No.
  4. Sep 22, 2018
    #4

    endless_wheelies feeling dizzy

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    nerd
  5. Sep 22, 2018
    #5

    horsechoker Sailor vee, this is a right off.

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    Mourinho kills Dumbledore
  6. Sep 22, 2018
    #6

    Fully Fledged Full Member

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    Dude what ever you are smokin' ease back on the quantity.
  7. Sep 22, 2018
    #7

    worldinmotion66 Full Member

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    :lol: I enjoyed that.

    But I am a geek.

    But now it's cool to be a geek, right?
  8. Sep 22, 2018
    #8

    horsechoker Sailor vee, this is a right off.

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    We've turned into RAWK.
  9. Sep 22, 2018
    #9

    Moonred Full Member

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    Good write up GG. You will be mocked though.
  10. Sep 22, 2018
    #10

    DomesticTadpole Doom-monger obsessed with Herrera & the M.E.N.

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    Dilly Dilly.
  11. Sep 22, 2018
    #11

    Eckers99 Michael Corleone says hello

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    As if anyone needed a Harry Potter comparison. If we're talking literature, Kafka would've been more suitable.
  12. Sep 22, 2018
    #12

    RedSky likes to kick 10-year-olds Scout

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  13. Sep 22, 2018
    #13

    Van Piorsing Lost his light sabre

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    :lol: 10/10

    We need to choke the living piss out of that Fred fella. He's too much alive and creative and he's not scared of risks. It's almost like... he has football soul or something.

    Off with his head.
  14. Sep 22, 2018
    #14

    DavidDeSchmikes Full Member

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    Manchester United under David Moyes was like being with a dementor*

    *Dementors
    are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them... Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you
  15. Sep 22, 2018
    #15

    Eboue nasty little twerp with crazy bitter-man opinions

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    shut the feck up nerd
  16. Sep 22, 2018
    #16

    Fully Fledged Full Member

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    Or media, the Titanic would be more appropriate.
  17. Sep 22, 2018
    #17

    Fully Fledged Full Member

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    Or what? Is the big bad man on the internet going to call him more names until he get's upset?
  18. Sep 22, 2018
    #18

    Gandalf Greyhame Full Member Scout

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    You should use these. :nervous:

    Stress managements, dear friend.
    And lols.

    Wait, so is Mou a cockroach now?
  19. Sep 22, 2018
    #19

    fishfingers15 Contributes to username and tagline changes

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    YESHHHHH, We'll GOOO for it.
    He's a bernie lad, eboue. our boi
  20. Sep 22, 2018
    #20

    adexkola Arsenal supporter

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    Me, and you. Yo momma, and yo cousin too.
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    Will we hear 5 years down the line that Dumbledore and Mourinho's relationship was actually of a romantic nature?
  21. Sep 22, 2018
    #21

    Toddler New Member

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    I wish we would sign somebody :)
    Gandalf been smoking that pipe a little too much :D. But there is a hint of truth over there.
  22. Sep 22, 2018
    #22

    fishfingers15 Contributes to username and tagline changes

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    YESHHHHH, We'll GOOO for it.
    thought you'll jump into this tbh
  23. Sep 22, 2018
    #23

    Gandalf Greyhame Full Member Scout

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    Take care of Pogba, you've taken care of Fred. The Ministry knows what it's doing. :cool:

    K bro.

    That escalated quickly. :lol:
  24. Sep 22, 2018
    #24

    Fully Fledged Full Member

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    The rings he's blowing are making my head fuzzy.
  25. Sep 22, 2018
    #25

    fishfingers15 Contributes to username and tagline changes

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    Where's the Kwikspell course when you need eh?
  26. Sep 22, 2018
    #26

    Eboue nasty little twerp with crazy bitter-man opinions

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    read another book
  27. Sep 22, 2018
    #27

    killerboi2 New Member

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    How is Mourinho going to overcome Dark Lords such as Guardiola and Klopp when he has such limited magical ability? He is like Cornelius Fudge. Afraid, in denial and blaming everyone but himself.
  28. Sep 22, 2018
    #28

    Suv666 Full Member

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    Was initially going to comment something along the lines of feck off back to RAWK but halfway through it found myself chuckling. Good work mate! Also dunno why I imagined Woody dressed as Umbridge delivering this speech.
  29. Sep 22, 2018
    #29

    King7Eric Full Member

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    Brilliant:lol::lol::lol:. Cheered me up alright.
  30. Sep 22, 2018
    #30

    simplyared Full Member

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    Cleverly written. Amusing and witty. Enjoyed it!
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2018
  31. Sep 22, 2018
    #31

    Schmiznurf Full Member

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    Way too many people try to be funny with long rambling posts, very few succeed, you are definitely one of those who failed.
  32. Sep 23, 2018
    #32

    TheeAma Banned

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    This had me cracking up half way through. BRILLIANT!
  33. Sep 23, 2018
    #33

    Keeps It tidy Hates Messi

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    The OP gave me an acid flashback.