United... kids... wife.. in that order

Discussion in 'Manchester United Forum' started by fredthered, Jan 2, 2019.

  1. Jan 2, 2019
    #1

    fredthered I want Peter Kenyon back

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    I first watched United way back in the seventies, a time before Fergie was boss

    I’d spend every penny on watching them play, and I really did not give a toss

    Well as I’ve grown older, I’ve changed my perspective, On something I’ve loved all my life

    Watching United costs more than just money, United just lost me me wife


    To understand truly the depth of this story, you have to go back 30 years

    I’ve followed United all over Europe, I’ve cheered them, I’ve often shed tears

    Now my wife, bless her heart, just didn’t quite get it, she simply did not understand

    How a bunch of young men kicking a ball could appeal to an aging old man


    For years she’s put up with me going to football, a ritual I’ve done since a kid

    She begged me to stop it, to go with her shopping, of course you know I never did.

    But fate was to hit me right square in the bollocks one Wednesday way back in may

    She’d booked us to go out for a meal with her parents. United were playing away.


    United were fighting, a race to the title, a game that we just had to win

    “Theres no way I’m missing this important fixture, there’s no way that I’m giving in”.

    “I’m going to football, that’s the end of the story, There’s no way I’m changing my mind”

    But I never expected the wifes mad reaction as she clobbered my head from behind


    “WELL feck OFF TO FOOTBALL” she ranted and raved, as the lump on me nut began to rise

    With that she picked up my United clock and hit me right square in the eyes.

    The United logo resembles a devil, well I found that night, its not true

    My wife had become the epitomy of satan, the air in the house then turned blue.


    Words that came from her mouth really shocked me. I was so scared that I nearly shat

    I expected to be called a self centered bastard, but a c**t.. well theres no need for that..

    We argued for what seemed like half of an hour, we argued, we battled we fought

    She told me to feck off, and I duly obliged her, she yelled “I WILL SEE YOU IN COURT”.

    Well I left the house and went back to my mothers, the marriage completely in tatters

    United had won, in a tightly fought game, we were champions, so that’s all that matters.


    The day of the court case to settle divorce, came and we sat each side of the judge

    She wanted the house, she wanted the car and theres no way that she’s gonna budge

    Being a man I defended my corner, no way will you get the TV,

    The framed shirt of Eric that sits on the dresser, well that thing is coming with me.


    The judge sat there looking, as we traded insults, and clearing his throat he then said

    I think we can honestly say that this marriage, is completely and utterly dead

    Theres no way that you two can be reconciled, and the best thing for you is divorce

    She gets the house, the car and the kids, and the framed shirt, that’s his of course


    I’ve read both your statements you offer as evidence, and I’m afraid that I have to concur

    In her statement she claims that you love Man United, much more than you ever loved her

    I took to my feet, and turned to the judge, and I said “judge in all honesty”

    “Its true I think more of Manchester United, in fact I think more of City”


    I haven’t seen the ex wife in nearly nine months, I see my kids two days a week

    She’s married some bloke, a banker from Stockport, a city fan, god what a cheek…

    The house has been sold, she’s moved in with Bertie, I call him the sad bitter blue

    He doesn’t watch football, he often goes shopping, as City fans are prone to do.


    I’ve got my football, I follow United, I watch them whenever they play

    I’ll go when I like, no woman to stop me, no matter if its home or away

    I still love my boys, and they follow United, like me, they’re United for life.

    I’m just praying they marry a girl who loves football, cos United will cost you your wife
  2. Jan 2, 2019
    #2

    Stookie Nurse bell end

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    Quality
  3. Jan 2, 2019
    #3

    Random Task Correctly predicted France to win World Cup 2018

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    Brilliant.
  4. Jan 2, 2019
    #4

    RedNed77 Full Member

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    Wow.
  5. Jan 2, 2019
    #5

    Crackers Coolest Cracker in the box

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    Brilliant
  6. Jan 2, 2019
    #6

    Toad Full Member

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    Took me to the 9th line to realise it was actually a poem :lol: well done.
  7. Jan 2, 2019
    #7

    The Mitcher connoisseur of pot noodles and sandwiches

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    This deserves to go into the annals of the caf's greatest posts.
  8. Jan 3, 2019
    #8

    RedTiger Full Member

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    Nice nice
  9. Jan 3, 2019
    #9

    Man of Leisure Full Member

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    Hope this isn't autobiographical.
  10. Jan 3, 2019
    #10

    2 man midfield Incestuous Modern Woman (Dumper!)

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    :lol: Class
  11. Jan 3, 2019
    #11

    MaxiPaxi likes to shove his mum's boiled eggs up his rectum

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    Bravo.
  12. Jan 3, 2019
    #12

    Burgah New Member

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    Now you are free.
  13. Jan 3, 2019
    #13

    RedDevilRoshi Full Member

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    :lol::lol:

    That was quality!
  14. Jan 3, 2019
    #14

    MikeKing Full Member

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  15. Jan 3, 2019
    #15

    fredthered I want Peter Kenyon back

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    I would love to say its true, but sadly not. Married for nearly 25 years. The arguments though are very apt given my previous years of attending football and missing out on important family occasions. None more so than missing my wedding anniversary ( 27th May ) 1999. whilst in a very drunken state returning from Barcelona. Ringing up on the morning of my anniversary and saying "sorry darling, won't be home till Friday as I am off to see the team parade the trophies " was never going to win me husband of the year award...
  16. Jan 3, 2019
    #16

    ChaddyP Full Member

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    Bravo .. Bravo
  17. Jan 3, 2019
    #17

    DancingPanda New Member

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    So you take pride in being a dick?
  18. Jan 3, 2019
    #18

    iluvoursolskjær Full Member

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    don't quite know what to say tbh

    one of them artful things, where you know a lot is going on, but don't understand it
  19. Jan 3, 2019
    #19

    bpet15 Full Member

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    The feck?
  20. Jan 3, 2019
    #20

    0le Full Member

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    TL: DR. Welcome to the 21st century.
  21. Jan 3, 2019
    #21

    Casanova85 New Member

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    Sex, football, wife-sex...,...kids??

    In that order.

    Btw, moving story (if true) and poetry. Honest.
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2019
  22. Jan 3, 2019
    #22

    iluvoursolskjær Full Member

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    wife-son over everything else. lad talk can be so dumb
  23. Jan 3, 2019
    #23

    fredthered I want Peter Kenyon back

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    There always has to be one.....
  24. Jan 3, 2019
    #24

    Casanova85 New Member

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    Don't mind him.
  25. Jan 3, 2019
    #25

    DancingPanda New Member

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    Great. Now you are assuming my gender too.

    I am just taking the piss. Sorry.
  26. Jan 3, 2019
    #26

    Joseunited Full Member

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    Must be the wife.
  27. Jan 3, 2019
    #27

    Sassy Colin Death or the gladioli!

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    I thought I'd stumbled into RAWK for a bit of fan fiction, tbh. Until I realised it is supposed to be fiction.
  28. Jan 3, 2019
    #28

    SadlerMUFC Full Member

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    I had to go back and read it again
  29. Jan 3, 2019
    #29

    amolbhatia50k Sneaky bum time

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    It rhymes which is nice. Not a fan of the content. I mean why enter into the commitment of a marriage with someone when they're going to be play an irrelevant part in your life relative to football.
  30. Jan 3, 2019
    #30

    Class of 63 Full Member

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    Brilliant, eagerly anticipating the follow up

    A year later, and the Wife had come back
    Turns out Bertie had only wanted Eric's framed shirt for his son Jack
  31. Jan 3, 2019
    #31

    Roosney Full Member

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    Ok.
  32. Jan 3, 2019
    #32

    manunited1919 Full Member

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    :lol: :lol: :lol:
  33. Jan 3, 2019
    #33

    King.of.Red New Member

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    Wowwww
  34. Jan 3, 2019
    #34

    Buchan has whacked the hammer to Roswell

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    Always love hearing from try-hard, absolute LADs.

    Heroes, every one of them.
  35. Jan 7, 2019
    #35

    Maccataq Full Member

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    I thought this was a true story! I heard you (or maybe it was someone else?) on Utd we stand podcast talking to Andy Mitten about it
  36. Jan 7, 2019
    #36

    Buster15 Full Member

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    Ten out of ten my friend.

    Lots of people just don't get football or United but those who do have learnt to expect fantastic highs and depressing lows.

    Brilliant poem. Much respect.
  37. Jan 7, 2019
    #37

    The Cat Full Member

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    "in fact I think more of City" :lol:
  38. Jan 7, 2019
    #38

    SATA Full Member

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    Thought it was a true account while reading the whole thing. Brilliant effort though mate
  39. Jan 7, 2019
    #39

    The Irish Connection Full Member

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    Hahaha, this is legendary! Good man!

    Once I found out my gf was a United fan I was sold :lol::p:keano: