Hear, hear!
Football and points are nice and all, but I'd like to draw the attention of the audience to an important philosophy we are adhering to since good ol' Whiskey-Nose left this institution.
We at the Man United are very pleased to have squashed the magic out of our employees. No more of that nonsense, good sirs - we've had enough of that loathsome activity. Enough of good young fellas in jerseys, prancing around on the pitch dancing on the ball, trying crazy flicks, dribbles or fancy moves. Enough of last minute winners, scripted debuts, stories which have happy endings and this ridiculous notion of 'pashun'. God forbid we see the likes of that again on our premises.
Over the last few years, we at Man United's Ministry of M&S have worked tirelessly to curb this sort of nasty behaviour. In the days of Mr. Moyes, we had to toil away at the old magicians - the urchins Nani, van Persie and this young plucky lad called Wilf Zaha. We got the audience to boo Nani's touches, kept van Persie on the bench and fused rumours of the young Wilfy fella. Of course, magic being evil as it is, reared up its ugly head in the likes of Adnan Januzaj and Juan Mata. We acknowledge the difficulty in dealing with those two, but within a year we had squashed the ugly thing out of both of them, too.
By 2015 we had established that we were dealing with a Hydra-esque villainy, and that our only hope was to chop off the heads more quickly than they grew back. Before Angel di 'fanny' Maria could establish himself, or Memphis could make a name out of himself, we had successfully turned away the squibs like Kagawa and Chicharito, worn out and scrubbed away at the old ones in Rooney and Giggs.
Our mettle was truly tested in 2017, when this dour Portugese fella led to an influx of some major big guns. These weren't street magicians, or hobbyists. These were thorough professionals, steeped in the dark arts. This giant of an egotist fella, Zlatan something, would glide between defenders, and leave tacklers for dead. Don't even get us started on his sidekick, Pogba. He nearly got us into magic ourselves. But we kept at our job, and started at the fringes. We framed the flamboyant Depay for his lifestyle, destroyed the Armenian Mivkheyblahblah next, and then removed the old Ibra from action.
It was during this duration that we became experts at our job. Come Sanchez, we turn him into a Muggle. Come Martial, we expose him for a Squib. Come Lukaku, we Squib him into a Muggle. Academy product Rashford? We are churning away at him as we speak. There is no more magic at Man United, bar this Pogba fella. Don't worry! We'll get to him, too, and if we can't, we'll expel him from our no-magic premises. Let our rivals get infected by this grotesque disease, but we make a solemn promise that on our watch, there will be no more of this tomfoolery at Manchester United, and that our transformation to Muggles will be complete soon.
It remains our deepest regret that we couldn't operate our arts on the likes of Firmino, Salah, Bernardo Silva, Mahrez, Sane, Eriksen, Coman or Willian. We are confident we would have turned them into first-class Muggles, too.
Looking forward to our next subjects over the next years, and,
Thanking you for your support,
The Man United Ministry of Muggles and Squibs.
Football and points are nice and all, but I'd like to draw the attention of the audience to an important philosophy we are adhering to since good ol' Whiskey-Nose left this institution.
We at the Man United are very pleased to have squashed the magic out of our employees. No more of that nonsense, good sirs - we've had enough of that loathsome activity. Enough of good young fellas in jerseys, prancing around on the pitch dancing on the ball, trying crazy flicks, dribbles or fancy moves. Enough of last minute winners, scripted debuts, stories which have happy endings and this ridiculous notion of 'pashun'. God forbid we see the likes of that again on our premises.
Over the last few years, we at Man United's Ministry of M&S have worked tirelessly to curb this sort of nasty behaviour. In the days of Mr. Moyes, we had to toil away at the old magicians - the urchins Nani, van Persie and this young plucky lad called Wilf Zaha. We got the audience to boo Nani's touches, kept van Persie on the bench and fused rumours of the young Wilfy fella. Of course, magic being evil as it is, reared up its ugly head in the likes of Adnan Januzaj and Juan Mata. We acknowledge the difficulty in dealing with those two, but within a year we had squashed the ugly thing out of both of them, too.
By 2015 we had established that we were dealing with a Hydra-esque villainy, and that our only hope was to chop off the heads more quickly than they grew back. Before Angel di 'fanny' Maria could establish himself, or Memphis could make a name out of himself, we had successfully turned away the squibs like Kagawa and Chicharito, worn out and scrubbed away at the old ones in Rooney and Giggs.
Our mettle was truly tested in 2017, when this dour Portugese fella led to an influx of some major big guns. These weren't street magicians, or hobbyists. These were thorough professionals, steeped in the dark arts. This giant of an egotist fella, Zlatan something, would glide between defenders, and leave tacklers for dead. Don't even get us started on his sidekick, Pogba. He nearly got us into magic ourselves. But we kept at our job, and started at the fringes. We framed the flamboyant Depay for his lifestyle, destroyed the Armenian Mivkheyblahblah next, and then removed the old Ibra from action.
It was during this duration that we became experts at our job. Come Sanchez, we turn him into a Muggle. Come Martial, we expose him for a Squib. Come Lukaku, we Squib him into a Muggle. Academy product Rashford? We are churning away at him as we speak. There is no more magic at Man United, bar this Pogba fella. Don't worry! We'll get to him, too, and if we can't, we'll expel him from our no-magic premises. Let our rivals get infected by this grotesque disease, but we make a solemn promise that on our watch, there will be no more of this tomfoolery at Manchester United, and that our transformation to Muggles will be complete soon.
It remains our deepest regret that we couldn't operate our arts on the likes of Firmino, Salah, Bernardo Silva, Mahrez, Sane, Eriksen, Coman or Willian. We are confident we would have turned them into first-class Muggles, too.
Looking forward to our next subjects over the next years, and,
Thanking you for your support,
The Man United Ministry of Muggles and Squibs.
I enjoyed that. 
. But there is a hint of truth over there.