By strange destiny you become the owner of United. What would you do?

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You fall in love and marry someone who turns out to be a multi-billionaire, but unfortunately dies under tragic circumstances, leaving you the fortune. To console yourself, you buy United as a toy. You are now the owner of Manchester United. What would you do?

Rules: You have plenty of money left but cannot break financial fair play rules. But it's United, not City or Chelsea, you have plenty of natural income. You can cheat a little by building fancy youth facilities, etc., or having vague business schemes to pay more to the players, but at the risk of getting transfer or CL bans. Also in the long term it must break even and then become profitable to become self-sustaining because you also need to maintain your own island and boats and so on.
 
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The Cat

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Buy Liverpool and City sell all their players to pay for it and turn them into feeder clubs.
 

Zlatattack

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Sell to the Saudis for a small profit.
i was going to say that, just thought of it. might as well use my billions to make the world a better place rather than fund a football club.

or maybe buy liverpool and then sign Moyes as the manager.
 

Andycoleno9

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Imagine a fan who is member of Caf being an owner of the club. You read all these threads day after day and one day you say; feck you all, now you will see what i can do.
Then you Hire back Jose or Moyes. Give new contracts to Lingard, Jones, Young and Alexis with Jones as new captain. Then you make a thread; " Are you entertained? "
 

Valar Morghulis

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Get a loan against the value of the club. Buy an NFL Franchise. Put a banker in charge of football operations. Donate funds to Trump 2020.

Edit: Forgot the wank.
 
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iammemphis

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Buy all the english wonderkids at u19s, u18s, u17s and u16s. I would offer them extortionate wages that they wouldn’t be able to say no.

Then i would offer De Ligt, Wan Bissaka and Sancho insane wages and promise to build the club around them and let de ligt move to Barca or Real in 6/7 years time. I would also sign Dele Alli, Son and Alderwiereld.

Sell Lukaku, Sanchez, Matic, Jones, Darmian, Rojo.

Then hire Pottechino.

Move Woodward back to where he was best, getting sponsership deals.




Then have a wank.
 

Dr. Dwayne

Self proclaimed tagline king.
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Install a board of directors that includes Sir Bobby, Sir Alex, @noodlehair, @Rado_N , @golden_blunder , myself and @Pogue Mahone.

Actively consult fan groups for input, but ignore their recommendations because they know nothing and are idiots and as such won't catch on that we're simply paying them lip service for a while.

Continue with the Glazer business model by finding new and innovative product partners to increase revenue.

Start a shell company to sponsor the Premier League and influence decisions in United's favour.

Lower ticket prices.

Do a lot of cocaine and hookers.
 

#07

makes new threads with tweets in the OP
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Take a similar approach to what the City directors did when they figured out a long term plan: Identify a club whose identity I'd like to emulate and employ several of its leaders like they did with Sorriano and Begiristain.

In a United context I'd plump for Ajax, make Van der Sar CEO and have him appoint a suitable director of football and other senior staff he thinks can cut it.

PS) I'd keep Ole as manager
 

Will Singh

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Sack Woody the cnut
Buy all the top youth players
Buyout Liverpool and hire Moyes as manager
Sell all Liverpool players to make way for my youth project
Use Liverpool as a feeder club for United
Oh and coke and hookers
 

Fener1907

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Lots of mention of wanking. You lot are disgusting...

..ly realistic. Anyone would obviously have a celebratory wank.
 

Champagne Football

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Would invest 1 billion in an anti-cloud, anti-rain system where the climate of Manchester could be kept at a perfect eternal spring climate year round on the Old Trafford part, but dump the heavy rains down continuously onto The Ethihad and Anfield.

Would get on the phone to Cristiano and let him know that he can sun himself by the pool in his garden in between games now.

Would hire Pochettino and Mitchell.

Would hire South Americas best scouts to turn Manchester into little South America.
 

harms

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Install a board of directors that includes Sir Bobby, Sir Alex, @noodlehair, @Rado_N , @golden_blunder , myself and @Pogue Mahone.

Actively consult fan groups for input, but ignore their recommendations because they know nothing and are idiots and as such won't catch on that we're simply paying them lip service for a while.
I'd also add a new salary system that would be dependant on caf's post-match ratings.
 

Sparky_Hughes

I am Shitbeard.
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Mar 26, 2008
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Invest billions in cloning and genetic engineering so I could have a prime Cantona in the team and saf as manager. Hire the world best hackers to hack klopp and pep and hide the world's sickest vilest porn on their laptops and then call the police. Make pogba the toilet cleaner and put lingard in charge of the crèche.
 

SaintMuppet

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Hire Roy Keane, forcefeed him prawn sandwiches and have the voice of Mick McCarthy perma playing over the tannoy. Then lock him in the changing room with the first team squad.

This would be a challenging wank but not impossible.

(Thanks to Frankie Boyle for the wank joke)
 

Tiber

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Give Ed Woodward a pay rise and send him off to sign more noodle sponsors
 

freeurmind

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Mar 10, 2017
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Sack most of the Board.
Institute a 15 year plan at the end of which ownership and control of the club is transferred over to the supporter's group.
Upgrade/rebuild our training, youth and women's facilities. Work with local council to develop plan to build community facilities that would be free to use for the public. Ensure all grounds and facilities are accesible for the disabled.
Develop a 3 year plan at the end of which ground breaking on the new stand would start.
Reduce season ticket prices by 15%, reserve and youth games free for under 18s over 65s and season ticket holders, women's games free admission for under 18s.
Develop partnership with hotel companies to ensure supporters are not overcharged for hotel rooms on European trips.
Hire full time DOF to oversee football matters.
 

Sunny Jim

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You fall in love and marry someone who turns out to be a multi-billionaire, but unfortunately dies under tragic circumstances, leaving you the fortune. To console yourself, you buy United as a toy. You are now the owner of Manchester United. What would you do?

Rules: You have plenty of money left but cannot break financial fair play rules. But it's United, not City or Chelsea, you have plenty of natural income. You can cheat a little by building fancy youth facilities, etc., or having vague business schemes to pay more to the players, but at the risk of getting transfer or CL bans. Also in the long term it must break even and then become profitable because you also need to maintain your own island and boats and so on.
Sack Woodward within 5 seconds of my tenure.
 

Fener1907

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Honestly, the possibilities are endless. An entirely new squad? Various players spring to mind. Essentially, you’re where City were 10 years ago.

A signing like Robinho, even if he turns out to be useless, is a must.

World beaters have to be brought in ASAP to show that this is United, not just another plastic project. Anyone who resents the idea of such a drastic overhaul isn’t living with the reality of today’s game. Nobody can deny they’d love to see us go after the very best. Knowing some United fans, though, they’d find any reason to complain.
 

SteveCoppellFan

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Jul 17, 2014
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Buy Liverpool.

Sack Klopp, then hire Jose and put him on a huge salary for 10 years with a small yearly football budget.