Indeed probably something like City and Chelsea did at first, galvanize the squad with top signings. Shock 'em with De Ligt and Mbappe. But have a direction and a TD from the start, where you want to go, with a certain identity and plan for the long term, no matter the current manager.
Sack Woodward, sack the coaching stuff, sell the entire squad.
This is me doing odd jobs. I'm very good at the tearing down part.
1) Bite Paul Pogba on the arm and tell him there's nothing he can do about it since I'm the owner (he seems to play better when he's annoyed).
2) Introduce a policy where every time a player posts something on social media, one of their fingers is removed.
3) Introduce a new transfer policy where the club only sign players with cool or exotic sounding names, as in my experience this is the most accurate way of predicting the ability level of a footballer. For example you don't need to see an 18 year old called Gareth Taylor-Fletcher play to already know he'll never be as good as Sergio Aguero.
4) Free foam thumbs with every matchday ticket.
5) The away dressing room at Old Trafford to be infested with a rare type of spider that there'll be some kind of international law against disturbing once it makes somewhere it's habitat.
6) Away kit to be all black and suitably evil looking
7) New sign to be placed above door of the home dressing room which reads "grow up for feck sake"
8) Appoint Gary Neville as director of football so that whenever he starts whinging about it he is effectively just moaning about himself. Give him a badge he can wear with "best in class" written on it.
2) Introduce a policy where every time a player posts something on social media, one of their fingers is removed.
3) Introduce a new transfer policy where the club only sign players with cool or exotic sounding names, as in my experience this is the most accurate way of predicting the ability level of a footballer. For example you don't need to see an 18 year old called Gareth Taylor-Fletcher play to already know he'll never be as good as Sergio Aguero.
4) Free foam thumbs with every matchday ticket.
5) The away dressing room at Old Trafford to be infested with a rare type of spider that there'll be some kind of international law against disturbing once it makes somewhere it's habitat.
6) Away kit to be all black and suitably evil looking
7) New sign to be placed above door of the home dressing room which reads "grow up for feck sake"
8) Appoint Gary Neville as director of football so that whenever he starts whinging about it he is effectively just moaning about himself. Give him a badge he can wear with "best in class" written on it.
Drugs
Sell the club. I don't have the money.
I’d make the place more fan friendly. I’d update and expand the stadium and give the 5000 longest season tickets holders free season tickets until they don’t want them anymore and then pass them on to the next in line. I’d also set aside 5000 or so free tickets per game for school kids and economically disadvantaged fans. With a capacity of 95000 this would be easy to achieve. With the eradication of the debt United would be in a position to do this. It would also allow ticket prices in general to come down.
I’d go on a major PR drive and try to move the image of the club away from a corporate one and more in the spirit of football as the match going fans understand it.
I’d ensure the club retained its identity through the playing style and an emphasis on academy and local players.
I’d augment the traditional core of the club with truly elite players: signings of the profile of Mbappe, De Ligt and Sancho. Top young players still with it all to prove.
A DOF would oversee which players come in and out and coaches would be hired to coach them in the attacking style United have famous for.
Thr cult of the manager would be over.
I’d go on a major PR drive and try to move the image of the club away from a corporate one and more in the spirit of football as the match going fans understand it.
I’d ensure the club retained its identity through the playing style and an emphasis on academy and local players.
I’d augment the traditional core of the club with truly elite players: signings of the profile of Mbappe, De Ligt and Sancho. Top young players still with it all to prove.
A DOF would oversee which players come in and out and coaches would be hired to coach them in the attacking style United have famous for.
Thr cult of the manager would be over.
Isn’t Jeff Bezos recently divorced? Come on ladies, make it happen
I got an official warning for posting a joke about Danny Rose the other day. This thread pops up and its basically about wanking and not a single mod in sight.
Place has gone to the dogs.
Place has gone to the dogs.
What did you say? And if you could, please post the exact quote here.
1. Run the club
2. Login to the Caf and create threads about how stupidly I am running the club
3. Rinse, repeat.
2. Login to the Caf and create threads about how stupidly I am running the club
3. Rinse, repeat.
Lighten up... and hey the Glazer's kids who had this landed into their lap in a similar premise aren't doing that bad compared to the average redcafe participant
Yeah they don't do it for United but at least for THE FAMILY!Just posted a picture of him celebrating after the city game with his shirt off saying he was so unhappy with the sport he had thrown his shirt away...
I would sit back in my suite in an old dormant volcano, dressed in some type of chairman Mao suit whilst stroking a white Persian cat.
I would invite the players to come and see me one by one and explain why they had been so shit this season..dependant on their answers I would then dismiss them but explain that they would have to leave via a bridge that went over a shark infested pool rather than the door they used to enter the room..I would then utilise the mechanism on the bridge that would send them ALL into the shark pool..there is no room for failure..they have all failed.
I would proceed to buy out Man City and Liverpool and turn both sites into car parking facilities, I would though employ some of their players at my new United..the rest I would have walk over the bridge ( I really love that bridge)..I would then mull over what I had achieved and then go for a quiet knuckle shuffle.
I would invite the players to come and see me one by one and explain why they had been so shit this season..dependant on their answers I would then dismiss them but explain that they would have to leave via a bridge that went over a shark infested pool rather than the door they used to enter the room..I would then utilise the mechanism on the bridge that would send them ALL into the shark pool..there is no room for failure..they have all failed.
I would proceed to buy out Man City and Liverpool and turn both sites into car parking facilities, I would though employ some of their players at my new United..the rest I would have walk over the bridge ( I really love that bridge)..I would then mull over what I had achieved and then go for a quiet knuckle shuffle.
Sell it back to the Glazers.
Sell the club to the highest bidder then enjoy the money.
This is the answer to basically any giveaway win... Won a car? Sell it. Won a trip to somewhere? Sell it. Won Man utd? Sell it.
Exactly.
Stupid answer to a stupid question.
1. hire Edwin van der Sar + Daniel Levy, let them rip out the old guard and implement staff who they deem suitable
2. hire Neville and give him some sort of position just so there’s a voice for players that’ll keep things real when need be
3. get rid of the dead weight players
4. go balls deep for De Ligt as our main transfer target
...and just like that, the club magically begins seeing the light at the end of the tunnel..
2. hire Neville and give him some sort of position just so there’s a voice for players that’ll keep things real when need be
3. get rid of the dead weight players
4. go balls deep for De Ligt as our main transfer target
...and just like that, the club magically begins seeing the light at the end of the tunnel..
Make sure the best players go to Utd. Not City or Chelsea.
Improve our scouting
Improve our fitness and ethical regimes. We want fit winners.
Improve our scouting
Improve our fitness and ethical regimes. We want fit winners.
Get somebody in who knows what they’re doing, as I wouldn’t have a fecking clue.
I think that’s the mistake the current lot have made.
I think that’s the mistake the current lot have made.
Rename us Harchester Untied, sign up Karl Fletcher and obviously have a wank.
Sack DudWard, sack the other sponsorship bellend, remove all traces of Glazer from the board should any remain. Hire a DOF, preferably someone with United experience.
Remove any United shares from the stock exchange (providing by "buying them as a toy", you don't already buy every share). Hire a proper sponsorship deal expert, who can sign big deals with bigger companies and not some slap dash funking pillow company.
Install a manager who has PL experience, so Poch, Eddie Howe, or someone similar. Give him £200m to rebuild. Sell Young, Darmian, Rojo, Bailly, Smalling, Jones, Lukaku, Mata, Matic. Any money he makes from sales, is split 50/50. Remove Pogba as captain and give it to someone with age, leadership, and a strong pair of bollocks, not some fancy Frenchman who just snaps his fingers at a poor decision by the ref.
Contain a feel good factor inside the training ground & stadium. Allow players to do things they enjoy, a better player is made from fun experiences, look at England during 2018, never mind all the "anti celebration police". Massively improve the academy, stop throwing debuts out left, right and centre just because. Spots in the team used to be earned, not because "it'd be nice to give Chong a run around to let the wind through his fecking forest hairdo".
I'd change player contracts, goal bonuses are capped at £25k each. A forward should not be getting extortionate pennies for doing his job. Appearance fees are scrapped, and yearly wage rises follow suit. We lose one or two targets? that's fine, there's plenty more out there that would happily join United no matter what European competition we're in.
And have two wanks.
Remove any United shares from the stock exchange (providing by "buying them as a toy", you don't already buy every share). Hire a proper sponsorship deal expert, who can sign big deals with bigger companies and not some slap dash funking pillow company.
Install a manager who has PL experience, so Poch, Eddie Howe, or someone similar. Give him £200m to rebuild. Sell Young, Darmian, Rojo, Bailly, Smalling, Jones, Lukaku, Mata, Matic. Any money he makes from sales, is split 50/50. Remove Pogba as captain and give it to someone with age, leadership, and a strong pair of bollocks, not some fancy Frenchman who just snaps his fingers at a poor decision by the ref.
Contain a feel good factor inside the training ground & stadium. Allow players to do things they enjoy, a better player is made from fun experiences, look at England during 2018, never mind all the "anti celebration police". Massively improve the academy, stop throwing debuts out left, right and centre just because. Spots in the team used to be earned, not because "it'd be nice to give Chong a run around to let the wind through his fecking forest hairdo".
I'd change player contracts, goal bonuses are capped at £25k each. A forward should not be getting extortionate pennies for doing his job. Appearance fees are scrapped, and yearly wage rises follow suit. We lose one or two targets? that's fine, there's plenty more out there that would happily join United no matter what European competition we're in.
And have two wanks.
Sack Woodward.
Then have a wank.
Am I doing it right?
Then have a wank.
Am I doing it right?
Whilst I can’t downplay the importance of wanking, it probably hire a director of football. Maybe in between wanks
I see what you did there.
-----------------------_------------------------------------------------------
Me, I'd play De Gea in goal and leave him open to attacks. Play a back four of Young, Jones, Smalling and Shaw and tell them to avoid communicating with each other. Play a midfield of Matic, Mata, Pogba and ask Matic to dawdle on the ball. Finally, play a forward line of Martial, Rashford, Lukaku and ask Martial to sulk, Lukaku to let every pass bounce six yards off his foot and Rashford to sky every free-kick 20 yards over the bar.
I don't like change.
Bring in competent people all over to build a stronger team. Spend money in the market, but also focus on improving the culture around the club. Goal should be to win all titles we can.
I would invest more in fitness staff, director of football, scouts, analysists and so on.
I would also post pools here where people could vote what they want us to do with the club. Then probably do the opposite most of the time.
Maybe bring in David Moyes just to annoy everyone here only to have him fired before the season starts.
I would invest more in fitness staff, director of football, scouts, analysists and so on.
I would also post pools here where people could vote what they want us to do with the club. Then probably do the opposite most of the time
. Maybe bring in David Moyes just to annoy everyone here only to have him fired before the season starts.
Rename the club Hamchester United. Start selling a lot of ham. Gradually wind down the football side of things and move it all into ham-based goods and services.
I need to be critical here, I feel that the wankers just lack the proper imagination what kind of hookers one could buy to do the job with such money.
I would invite all the WAGs around for afternoon tea by the pool whilst their partners are out training hard on their fitness, running up hills.
Sell it to the House of Saud.
Then have a wank.
Then have a wank.
Have a wank.
Sell the club to the yakuza, they seem to be good at solving problems...
Sell the club to the yakuza, they seem to be good at solving problems...
What the feck is up with you lot and wanking?
transfer list the entire squad and go wonderkid shopping of course
Build a cheese room
At the start of every window I would tell the world that Man Utd will only spend 50m in the window but tell the manager secretly that he has about 100m to spend but in reality I’d let him spend 150m if right players were be asked for.
This way everyone would hate me and back the manager and other clubs would quote us same price of players that they quote other clubs. Meanwhile the manager and scouts would be under pressure all the time to find creative ways to use the squad or bring relatively unknown players.
This way everyone would hate me and back the manager and other clubs would quote us same price of players that they quote other clubs. Meanwhile the manager and scouts would be under pressure all the time to find creative ways to use the squad or bring relatively unknown players.
Sack Woodward, sell the club to Microsoft and see it grows from distance with my pocket full.
First and foremost, I will use everything at my disposal to influence Kloop and Pep to leave their clubs or retired for good. Without these 2 managers, they are back to being mortal.
Oh... Sack the bloody cnut, Ed.
Oh... Sack the bloody cnut, Ed.