How many goals could YOU score up front for United in a season?

[Cristiano Jonaldo]

The Scenario

You're the main target man for United up front and play the full 90 mins of every game of the season, so all league and cup games. You will NOT be taking free kicks or penalties, so all your goals must come from open play.

How many goals do you think you could score over the course of a season? Obviously you'll be shit and a hindrance to the team, but I'm thinking "dumb luck goals" here. Say Herrera blasts a shot going wide and instead it hits your round chubby face and is deflected in. Or the ball is blasted across a crowded goal and your lazy arse just happens to be stood in the right spot for it to hit you and go in.

I'm thinking one for me, given that I'll be goal hanging the entire time waiting for the ball to accidentally come near me. In that position it's possible I'll get at least one dumb luck deflection over the course of a season won't I?

BTW, I'm differentiating between us retards and the actual premiership strikers that hardly score, because they are actually trying and have some ability to contribute to build up play and general team performance, whereas we would just be standing there as close to the goal line as we could possibly be.

 

[Varun]

20.

Someone Let Van Gaal know.

 

[Tarrou]

Somewhere between 0 and 1 would be my best guess. My main issue being I'd be completely fecked about 2 minutes in.

 

[Ramshock]

< Gary Goals

 

[Clas Sified]

The Scenario

You're the main target man for United up front and play the full 90 mins of every game of the season, so all league and cup games. You will NOT be taking free kicks or penalties, so all your goals must come from open play.

How many goals do you think you could score over the course of a season? Obviously you'll be shit and a hindrance to the team, but I'm thinking "dumb luck goals" here. Say Herrera blasts a shot going wide and instead it hits your round chubby face and is deflected in. Or the ball is blasted across a crowded goal and your lazy arse just happens to be stood in the right spot for it to hit you and go in.

I'm thinking one for me, given that I'll be goal hanging the entire time waiting for the ball to accidentally come near me. In that position it's possible I'll get at least one dumb luck deflection over the course of a season won't I?

BTW, I'm differentiating between us retards and the actual premiership strikers that hardly score, because they are actually trying and have some ability to contribute to build up play and general team performance, whereas we would just be standing there as close to the goal line as we could possibly be.

I'd break the PL record for most goals in a season. Hell, I'd break the Champions League record as well.

 

[Wumminator]

More than Falcao! That's for sure! Right guys? Who's with me!!!!!!

 

[sullydnl]

0

 

[Maagge]

I reckon I would get my usual two goals on a volley/half-volley from a clearance and then a few popping up at the right place in the box. 4-5, but it would have to be for a team like United who's dominating most of the time.

 

[Speak]

Maybe about Four. Spending the rest of the time struggling to stand up from exhaustion, for 80 minutes every game.

Edit: If they quite literally played me for every minute possible.
If not, then zero, because I'd never play, obviously.

 

[NL Max]

I have the strenght of Di Maria, top speed of a walking Mertesacker and on form my technique is compareable to a mid-slip Gerrard/Falcao. Compareing my stamina to Anderson would be harsh on him and the only way I could score would be a heartattack to the opposition goalie.

I reckon I could get about 2 goals in 45 full matches. On the bright side I'm only 21 and still have room to improve.

 

[Gopher Brown]

If they abolished the offside rule and I stood about a yard out the whole time, I reckon 2 goals.

 

[Silva]

I could claim a couple of deflections and maybe score one or two where the ball falls to me during a set piece, if I'm lucky. And I'd just shoot whenever someone has no choice but to pass to me, scoring a couple goals from my hundreds of shots. On the downside, a couple of those would end up in the wrong goal.

 

[Mciahel Goodman]

Maybe one or two, but probably zero.

 

[vk20legend]

0. Probably would last about 5 minutes on the pitch, before pulling a hamstring..

Even when I was fit once upon a time, I always enjoyed setting up goals from the left than score.. Can't remember scoring a single goal even in 5 a side games..

As a united fan, I am completely against the idea of me playing as the striker.. I don't even trust myself slotting in a penalty..

But i do have a decent left foot for a cross and the vision for a pass.. Might have a few assists though.. Does that count?!

 

[Bwuk]

0.

James Wilson who's far better than any of us struggled to score when given chances last year, doubt any of us can.

Is there anyone who's played pro on the caf anyway?

 

[Silva]

You guys are assuming you'd actually be playing like footballers. I'd just walk everywhere to make sure I don't tire out.

 

[Walrus]

None. Far too unfit, and I have never been a good finisher. Even playing 5 a side I rarely scored, but I was the Carrick of the team, sweeping things up at the back and playing key passes.

 

[Joemo]

Maybe 1 or 2. I'd like to think I'm quite a clever player although lacking physical or technical attributes.

 

[stu_1992]

An extremely generous estimate says 2. Realistically probably 0. Only hope would be a tap-in or deflection. Even then I'd probably feck it up.

 

[OnlyTwoDaSilvas]

I'd easy get 5 of these a season

Valencia can blast shot-like-crosses at me all day and I'll put a face on it every time.

 

[duffer]

If I played every minute of every game as part of a front 2, I reckon I'd get about 5 goals.

You'd probably finish about 10th though.

 

[Sonny1972]

I think the question should be , how often will you touch the ball in a game ..lol

 

[Crackers]

Probably 3.ill score a shit rebound, an eaas tap in and then a worldy screamer in Novembe. Everyone would think that I've finally hit form. I would never score again

 

[Robbie Boy]

0.

 

[JB08]

I would probably score one, if you position yourself well enough you're bound to at some point.

 

[Speak]

I don't see how anyone who can stand up and raise their legs wouldn't be able to score a single goal, if they played pretty much every 90 minutes for a season. Even if they spent 90% of the time struggling to stay onside (which is unlikely, given the ultra possession we play - especially at Old Trafford).

Even if no-one passes the ball to you, it's like the team playing with 10 men, and there will always be rebounds.

 

[Relevated]

About 4 or 5

 

[DOTA]

I don't see how anyone who can stand up and raise their legs wouldn't be able to score a single goal, if they played pretty much every 90 minutes for a season. Even if they spent 90% of the time struggling to stay onside (which is unlikely, given the ultra possession we play - especially at Old Trafford).

Even if no-one passes the ball to you, it's like the team playing with 10 men, and there will always be rebounds.

And you can scuff every one of them.

 

[Keeps It tidy]

Zero. People underestimate how good the shit players of the Premier League are.

 

[NotoriousISSY]

I reckon I could score a goal. I've got a decent leap, so I'd spring myself up off Fellaini and reach one of Valencia's stupidly misplaced crosses.

 

[DOTA]

I'm thinking my strategy is to be constantly at the back post. I'm not great at jumping but I can head reasonably accurately (much better than I am with my feet, at least). Could maybe get the odd free header with half of the goal open.

 

[Brightonian]

I'd easy get 5 of these a season

The Mexican Face-Shot is a highly difficult skill acquired through years of training. Properly executed, it is nigh-on unsaveable. It is one of Javier Hernandez' greatest accomplishments, second only to the fabled I run forwards, I run backwards, I run forwards again, I score a goal movement (colloquially known as the 'chihuahua in the box'.)

 

[Rowem]

0.

James Wilson who's far better than any of us struggled to score when given chances last year, doubt any of us can.

Is there anyone who's played pro on the caf anyway?

Well,

Wilson has 4 goals in just over 400 minutes of first team football his career in, having to actually play football. The scenario in the OP is for more like 4000 minutes of first team football as a goal hanger.

I reckon most people would get a few.

 

[Señor]

60-70 with a Ballon D'Or to boot.

 

[Van Piorsing]

89 OG

 

[devil in me]

I'd like to think about 5 or 6. But when you look back at the likes of Torres and Shevchenko who scored about 3 a season, and were probably slightly better than any of us, it makes me think that I'd end up with a grand total of 0!!

 

[Sonny1972]

Well,

Wilson has 3 goals in just over 400 minutes of first team football, having to actually play football. The scenario in the OP is for more like 4000 minutes of first team football as a goal hanger.

I reckon most people would get a few.

I reckon 99.9999 % of the ppl on redcafe wouldnt even make it till halftime

 

[DWelbz19]

We'd all pull up within the first couple of training sessions, let alone 90 minutes for every fecking game

 

[Sad Chris]

I'd easy get 5 of these a season

Valencia can blast shot-like-crosses at me all day and I'll put a face on it every time.

Just think of how many goals you could score with a big enough face...

 

[Red Stone]

I'd say I'd have a decent 10 minutes until getting put on the sidelines for the remainder of the season by one of the league's many shithouse defenders hacking me down with full force.

In other words, zero goals.