Chief of Banter?
Lucozade taster?
Bald head shiner?
What job would you have create for yourself in the world of football?
Lucozade taster?
Bald head shiner?
What job would you have create for yourself in the world of football?
If you could invent a job for yourself at a football club, what would it be? (Come join INEOS United!)
- Thread starter horsechoker
- Start date
Pre and post match dressing room entertainment manager.
So stripper?
‘Bench filler’. You know like those folk at the Oscar’s who are paid to sit in the celebrities seats so it doesn’t look empty?
Well that, but I’m used to use up space on my teams bench/dugout. Good view of the game, banter with players/staff, plus could hear gossip etc and can enjoy the match.
Well that, but I’m used to use up space on my teams bench/dugout. Good view of the game, banter with players/staff, plus could hear gossip etc and can enjoy the match.
DJs and motivational speakers pre match. Brasses post match - quality of course determined by the performance. Easy
Squad Bartender. "The usual, Mr. Fernandes?"
I pour him a scotch as I get a quick glance at his phone, him posting an apology on Instagram, announcing they will be back stronger for the next game after a 0-4 loss to Bournemouth.
I pour him a scotch as I get a quick glance at his phone, him posting an apology on Instagram, announcing they will be back stronger for the next game after a 0-4 loss to Bournemouth.
Treble trophy parade organiser on retainer.
Post match shower water heat tester (with shorts on!)
(Women's football only of course)
(Women's football only of course)
Associate Horse Choker. If they need a horse choked, I’d be the second guy they call.
TJM
‘The John Murtough’ is a new role invented by parasites to make it look like the club is reinventing itself and going down the right path with regards to football prowess.
In reality the role is only for outward facing purposes and consists of ‘looking like you’re doing something important’ all of the time as main responsibility for a seven figure salary
‘The John Murtough’ is a new role invented by parasites to make it look like the club is reinventing itself and going down the right path with regards to football prowess.
In reality the role is only for outward facing purposes and consists of ‘looking like you’re doing something important’ all of the time as main responsibility for a seven figure salary
Player Liason on 50k a year would do me fine. Be paid to take players car shopping and house hunting. Do their Tesco's order for them. Pretty sure this is an existing role but i have no idea how to get into it.
Grass hooverer. Basically when the grass has been cut I go on with a Dyson to ensure no grass cuttings are left.
Player Substitute for WAGs
Basically anytime the player wants to go out for some strange, i step in to make sure the partner won't care
...i'm a great listener and really good company! And I love gossip
Basically anytime the player wants to go out for some strange, i step in to make sure the partner won't care
...i'm a great listener and really good company! And I love gossip
The so-called Xavi role.
Technical director. One Scottish friend of mine told me it’s even easier money than being on unemployment benefit.
Could just see them making me redundant next summer when they are trying to register new signings.
Leak sniffer. I sniff around for leaks. Any leaks.
Celebration analyst
Player Mentality Investigator. No more cry babies, primadonnas and players who think they are bigger than the club. Would command a huge salary due to wages and transfer fees saved. Hopefully this role is no longer relevant at the club but it would have saved a fortune over the last decade.
INEOS are hiring, what job would you give yourself in the new look Manchester United?
At City, book cooker.
I hear the South American lads are gassy.
Assistant to the Sporting director.
Corporate Box Incumbent and Prawn Sandwich Taster.
Chief Corner Flag Safety Advisor
I was recently reminded of a guy i knew that worked as a porter at Carrington, the players would often request him to update them when they got wind of a new song, he'd happily oblige and perform the full song infront of them, stood in the canteen giving it ...."Oh, Owen Hargreaves, I'd let you shag my wife"
Stadium Dj would be a great gig to have
Meme admin of the group chat
I'd like to be an executive in charge of making content updates to the website and managing stakeholder expectations accordingly. I think I'd be very qualified for that.
Player social media blocker. I just need a veto over every post they make before they can post it. I don't want to do any of the admin for this, I just want to see the post, say yes or no and have the rest done for me.
Head of cones - in charge of putting out the cones for training
Plenty of speculation over the years as to who was actually responsible for it (heavily rumored to be Mike Phelan and later Jimmy Lumsden), so it's about time the role actually gets formalized
Plenty of speculation over the years as to who was actually responsible for it (heavily rumored to be Mike Phelan and later Jimmy Lumsden), so it's about time the role actually gets formalized
The club musician.
Match day seat tester
Executive Ball Inflater
Twitter starting XI order controller
I'd make it my duty to put the starting XI list on Twitter in the order of where they play rather than by number.
I'd make it my duty to put the starting XI list on Twitter in the order of where they play rather than by number.
This is my litmus test for whether the INEOS team are serious people or not
slope safety officer. during matchdays, i’d patrol the touchline, catching players before they shot down the slope, into the advertising hoardings. as i’d have more ground than the players to cover to keep up with the ball, play would have to be slowed down enough for me to do my job properly. some of our players already play like that, so it shouldn’t be a big adjustment.