Stupid things you've said to people you fancied
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In the latest episode of the United Hour Podcast, Nik and Imran hold a long overdue conversation about United's awful league form with 1 win in 7. They discuss a disappointing draw at Bournemouth, a not so disappointing draw against Liverpool and a crushing defeat at Chelsea - Is time nearly over for Erik Ten Hag?
Then in a special second half of the pod, Nik welcomes Natalie ( https://twitter.com/natalie_17) to discuss the fortunes of Manchester United Women as they booked a place in the FA Cup Final after a historic first ever win vs. Chelsea.
you whopperJust a week back,I called up this girl I fancy a lot.
I started the conversation with "How are you?"
She said "I am good.How are you?"
I said " I am fine.How are you?
She said "Fine"
Me - "Ohh good to hear.How you doin?"
Wtf?Somehow managed to hold the conversation for a few mins there.
I started the conversation with "How are you?"
She said "I am good.How are you?"
I said " I am fine.How are you?
She said "Fine"
Me - "Ohh good to hear.How you doin?"
Wtf?Somehow managed to hold the conversation for a few mins there.
remembered another one..not as bad as others, more worrying though..a girl who I was told was a bit of a goer..we got the same train back to our hometown and duly got off at the station...anyway she tells me shes absolutely dying to do a piss and to hold back while everyone else heads off the platform..we were both a bit drunk i must add...anyway we go into the shelter and she asks me to keep an eye out while she does a piss...now I was very inexperienced at this point and thought "right if shes willing to pull down her keks and piss in front of me, shes bound to be willing to do something else" so shes hunkering down doing a slash , so I whips my cock out and asks her if she fancies sucking it, she calmly said no, finished her piss, pulled up her pants and starts walking home, being a gentleman, though one who will chance his arm to get a ride/BJ, I said hold on Ill walk you home, tried chatting to her but she was very stand offish, anyway got to her house and she said goodbye and went it...i go home, and have a frantic wank and forget about the whole thing till I met one of her best mates a couple of days later who comes up to me and asks what the feck I did, I explained I was chancing my arm as you do...she then told me the girl was absolutely convinced I was going to rape her and that she was completely shitting it on the walk back to her house.
fair enough thinking Im a dirty cnut who was chancing it...but thinking Im a rapist is a bit harsh..i was only bout 15 ffs.
fair enough thinking Im a dirty cnut who was chancing it...but thinking Im a rapist is a bit harsh..i was only bout 15 ffs.
Whipping you cock out for no apparent reason and then chasing after her as she walks off down the street are rapist tendencies. Just saying.sammy I'd be very scared of you in real life.
The old pull your cock out in front of a girl's face and ask her to suck it while she's squatting in front of you taking a piss.
Textbook.
to my young and fragile mind if she's squatting doing a piss thats practically foreplay!!!
and I didnt whip it out for no apparent reason...i whipped it out to try and get a blowie!
It looks bad in print...Ill give you that.
and I didnt whip it out for no apparent reason...i whipped it out to try and get a blowie!
It looks bad in print...Ill give you that.
Probably looked fairly bad in real life aswell to be honest.
Ive always been pretty bad at reading signals....
Not really a stupid thing but wanted to add this after getting shoved by you know who simply blurted out "You can shove me anytime you want luv"
Bloody hell, guys!
Right... I'll chip in, same as the rest of the lot who don't have any horrid lines, but who've a good story to share and who do so out of gratitude to this wonderful thread.
I had my first chance at a girl/woman when I was nearing the end of 17 years, and was on exchange to a high school in Texas... She fancied me a bit because she was into black metal and whatnot from Norway, and I was an awkward long-haired Noggy. She also happened to be a 24 year-old blonde divorcé stunner
(no shit, I couldn't believe it myself... nor could my Brazilian and Argie best mates in the US).
Anyhoo, I'd originally wanted to go to Austin on Memorial weekend or whatever it was, and had gotten the green lights... I am rubbish at picking up signs, like many others on this thread, but felt it would be fun, if not a virginity-losing weekend. I wasn't allowed after they'd double-checked with my representative, who said I needed to have a guardian if I was staying anywhere overnight... so I tell a friend of mine to cover for me, cause they'd asked for a number so if they called maybe he could just confirm and say I was busy (not well thought-out but thought I'd give it a go and hope a number to call would lead them to be content.)
So we head off to the liquour store, she asks what liquour and I respond "you choose", because I'd mostly had alcopops, some tequila and a few soft mixed drinks then... I was only two months or so into getting my drink on. Anyway, she opts for whisky, we check into a Dallas hotel that's a 15 min walk from Deep Ellum, the club and bar district, and she gets out these styrofoam glasses to pour the whiskey in... nothing else, and I don't know what brown liquour tastes like yet. She downs it easily, I do so masking my shock to decent effect. So we stumble to Deep Ellum, and I get in after having been asked for ID, then subsequently get my hand X-ed with a marker so I can't order. She tells me to scrub viciously if I go to the loo. In the mean time she's fixing me drinks which now go down as easy as you'd like because my throat's been desensitised by whisky. I get dizzier and dizzier and at some point she just starts making out with me wildly... I remember staggering to the bathroom and my head was spinning... what was that? what does that mean? I was really confused and drunk, but quite happy
This goes on for a bit 'till she asks whether we should leave, and I of course mumble "yesh!" I remember nearly hitting the pavement a fair few times, but remaining upright, and then it all goes black and I wake up at 9 am... I don't feel as bad as I should, things were easier the first six months when I was drinking but I was even more confused and I find myself in my boxers, whilst she's next to me fully clothed.
I asked her what happened and she said we left, and our stagger back to the hotel was punctuated by me pushing her up against the wall and mildly savaging her (TOTALLY out of character... had me surprised) and her calling her mates saying "I'm going to feck an 18 year old, fancy coming along?"
She could have me to herself, was the end result, and we went back to the room, where I proceeded to undress so efficiently that she thought I was well up for it... Then I collapsed on the bed and mumbled in Norwegian.
If I knew I could've lost my virginity then, and if I knew how hard liquour hits you, I'd've handled that evening differently. Went to eat some breakfast, then she drove me home where I got bollocked madly for being a complete and utter horrible person (teenagers don't have fun in the US, don't you know?), and then I got a call from my representative making me feel like utter shit for betraying their trust... This was my birthday, btw... partially why I thought feck it when I was told they'd need a number to call.
I called my parents to tell them myself, felt completely horrible... my parents were worried when I approached it so tenderly, and then amused when they found out that this had caused such a ruckus. I was threatened with being thrown out, a couple of weeks before completion of my semester, and not getting it approved. In the end they mellowed out, and it went fine... And the night before I left I sorted out the unfinished business with the 24 year-old... who I later found out had a stroller in the boot of her car, which made my friends deduce (correctly) that she had a kid
Right... I'll chip in, same as the rest of the lot who don't have any horrid lines, but who've a good story to share and who do so out of gratitude to this wonderful thread.
I had my first chance at a girl/woman when I was nearing the end of 17 years, and was on exchange to a high school in Texas... She fancied me a bit because she was into black metal and whatnot from Norway, and I was an awkward long-haired Noggy. She also happened to be a 24 year-old blonde divorcé stunner
(no shit, I couldn't believe it myself... nor could my Brazilian and Argie best mates in the US).Anyhoo, I'd originally wanted to go to Austin on Memorial weekend or whatever it was, and had gotten the green lights... I am rubbish at picking up signs, like many others on this thread, but felt it would be fun, if not a virginity-losing weekend. I wasn't allowed after they'd double-checked with my representative, who said I needed to have a guardian if I was staying anywhere overnight... so I tell a friend of mine to cover for me, cause they'd asked for a number so if they called maybe he could just confirm and say I was busy (not well thought-out but thought I'd give it a go and hope a number to call would lead them to be content.)
So we head off to the liquour store, she asks what liquour and I respond "you choose", because I'd mostly had alcopops, some tequila and a few soft mixed drinks then... I was only two months or so into getting my drink on. Anyway, she opts for whisky, we check into a Dallas hotel that's a 15 min walk from Deep Ellum, the club and bar district, and she gets out these styrofoam glasses to pour the whiskey in... nothing else, and I don't know what brown liquour tastes like yet. She downs it easily, I do so masking my shock to decent effect. So we stumble to Deep Ellum, and I get in after having been asked for ID, then subsequently get my hand X-ed with a marker so I can't order. She tells me to scrub viciously if I go to the loo. In the mean time she's fixing me drinks which now go down as easy as you'd like because my throat's been desensitised by whisky. I get dizzier and dizzier and at some point she just starts making out with me wildly... I remember staggering to the bathroom and my head was spinning... what was that? what does that mean? I was really confused and drunk, but quite happy
This goes on for a bit 'till she asks whether we should leave, and I of course mumble "yesh!" I remember nearly hitting the pavement a fair few times, but remaining upright, and then it all goes black and I wake up at 9 am... I don't feel as bad as I should, things were easier the first six months when I was drinking
but I was even more confused and I find myself in my boxers, whilst she's next to me fully clothed.I asked her what happened and she said we left, and our stagger back to the hotel was punctuated by me pushing her up against the wall and mildly savaging her (TOTALLY out of character... had me surprised) and her calling her mates saying "I'm going to feck an 18 year old, fancy coming along?"
She could have me to herself, was the end result, and we went back to the room, where I proceeded to undress so efficiently that she thought I was well up for it... Then I collapsed on the bed and mumbled in Norwegian.
If I knew I could've lost my virginity then, and if I knew how hard liquour hits you, I'd've handled that evening differently. Went to eat some breakfast, then she drove me home where I got bollocked madly for being a complete and utter horrible person (teenagers don't have fun in the US, don't you know?), and then I got a call from my representative making me feel like utter shit for betraying their trust... This was my birthday, btw... partially why I thought feck it when I was told they'd need a number to call.
I called my parents to tell them myself, felt completely horrible... my parents were worried when I approached it so tenderly, and then amused when they found out that this had caused such a ruckus. I was threatened with being thrown out, a couple of weeks before completion of my semester, and not getting it approved. In the end they mellowed out, and it went fine... And the night before I left I sorted out the unfinished business with the 24 year-old... who I later found out had a stroller in the boot of her car, which made my friends deduce (correctly) that she had a kid
Christ, you actually did get your cock out when most of us would've been posting about wanting to get our cocks out in the same situation. I salute you, Sam.
Many moons ago me and my best mate had pulled a couple of lasses in a club and took them back to his. I was absolutely steaming but pleased because I'd ended up with the fitter one of the two.
I was in the spare room getting busy with this girl and trying to string out the foreplay long enough to offset any potential whiskey dick problems. Anyway, I turn on the bedside lamp and it was clear that she had layered her make-up on with a trowel, covering up some Cameron Diaz'esuqe facial acne. Well that was it. I knew nothing would be happening so I needed an excuse...
"I'm sorry. I can't do this."
"Why? What's wrong?"
"I can't say" (I couldn't think of anything)
"It's ok, you can tell me"
"No. I just can't." (I'm really struggling to think of a good excuse here)
"It's fine. You can tell me anything. I won't mind" (Quite sweet of her actually)
Then I just blurted it out
"I really fancy your friend"
She went mental, grabbed all her clothes and started banging on my mates bedroom telling her mate to get her stuff as they were leaving now.
And then I hear my mate from the next room -
"He said what?! He must be off his feckin tits!"
Needless to say that the other girl wasn't best pleased either and they both fecked off never to be seen again.
This is a classic thread!
clan mcleod oh my, that is one of the funniest things i have ever read, would make a great comedy sketch!
clan mcleod oh my, that is one of the funniest things i have ever read, would make a great comedy sketch!
I'd pay to see a video re-enactment.
One night at a club I was faking an accent to a girl I just met (the reason for this is too long and involved) I didn't think I'd see her again but I did, I didn't know how to tell her the truth.. anyway to cut another long story short I ended back at her house next night still sporting the fake accent, parents and all, I was getting very stressed by this point having to talk to her parents in a dodgy fake English accent, to cut another long story short her mum was on to me and when the girl left the room for a moment her mum cornered me and made me fess up, it turns out her mum and my mum went to school together, I'm the double of my dad and she knows my dad..... it was the worst moment of my life..... I liked that girl. I told my mum, she thought it was halarious
Ps she had a sister who was physically and mentally disabled..... very low functioning type feeding tubes and everything, I felt bad about misleading her the most.... it really was a terrible night
Ps she had a sister who was physically and mentally disabled..... very low functioning type feeding tubes and everything, I felt bad about misleading her the most.... it really was a terrible night
Unlucky.Oh god, just reading sammy's story again and the responses had me in stitches.
The thread that just keeps on giving.
The thread that just keeps on giving.
Love this thread.I had fantasized about getting with this girl for nigh on 2 years even whilst I was with another bird (bastard I know) and finally we got it together just as recently as 2 months ago. Anyway, met up and got a bit drunk, had a laugh and went up to her room for a shag, well just after as we were falling asleep I felt her hand on my arse and for some reason I couldn't stop myself from mumbling the immortal words; "don't finger my arsehole".
Luckily she didn't and we're still together,
Luckily she didn't and we're still together,
I once used the pick up line "Do you have a map? Because im lost in your eyes." Needless to say it resulted in everyone in school giving me maps the next day.
When I say maps, I mean pieces of paper that said "map to your eyes" on it.
When I say maps, I mean pieces of paper that said "map to your eyes" on it.
So, what was the answer from him?
Bump
Was just at the dental hospital getting a tooth removed, my dentist was a cute girl about the same age as me and while we were waiting for the anaesthetic to kick in we were chatting away and there was definitely a spark between us. All through the extraction I was trying to think of a clever line to say afterwards and came up with "Well that was less painful than I expected, people were telling me you were going to kneeling on my chest yanking like the dentist in little shop of horrors" what came out instead was a bit of bloody dribble.
Was just at the dental hospital getting a tooth removed, my dentist was a cute girl about the same age as me and while we were waiting for the anaesthetic to kick in we were chatting away and there was definitely a spark between us. All through the extraction I was trying to think of a clever line to say afterwards and came up with "Well that was less painful than I expected, people were telling me you were going to kneeling on my chest yanking like the dentist in little shop of horrors" what came out instead was a bit of bloody dribble.
I wouldn't chat up anyone that's been staring down my cake hole for the last 15 minutes.
Normally I'd agree but she seemed really up for it and I've not had a wank today.
Bet you had a flirt with your eye doctor last night.
Bet you had a flirt with your eye doctor last night.
The other week i met a girl in a club and hctated for ages and stuff, just before i had to get the train back to Manchester it was getting good and close to pull territory and then i had to get by last train back so i said bye, kissed her and left.
Texted her the next morning saying how id enjoyed speaking to her and id like to add her on facebook if she was cool with it, used predictive text as well btw. a couple of hours later i had had no reply and checked to see the text had sent, i then realised that thanks to predictive text i had put "is it ok to Bed you on facebook".
Texted her the next morning saying how id enjoyed speaking to her and id like to add her on facebook if she was cool with it, used predictive text as well btw. a couple of hours later i had had no reply and checked to see the text had sent, i then realised that thanks to predictive text i had put "is it ok to Bed you on facebook".
That's what I encountered this past Sunday at the hospital when I sprained my ankle. Although I could never really say something stupid to the guy who assisted me, due to my cockblocking mother, i just responded with witty puns so she could never understand. The last thing he told me was "You can be my boss sometime" which was pretty fecking corny
This is slight different but my mate was on holiday with family for 2 weeks and his Gf was home, and a friend we both know posted something on her wall like "how you doing? you missing Tom?" she then replied with "Im good, No not missing him at all, have been too busy seeing my horse. Shes far more intresting company and a much better ride!"
This is exactly what the thread needs. Reverse-perspective from the person to whom the stupid thing was said.
Also, guys are much more concerned about saying 'the wrong thing' as it's biologically ingrained into them that conversation is a means to a very specific end to which there is little margin for error.
Girls are much more open to second and third chances, but once a guy messes up and his confidence is shot, the yin/yang balance is out of whack and it's pretty much game over.
There was this chick I fancied, and... well I already told the Caf, but this is what I wish I never said, the link to the full story is below
https://www.redcafe.net/f8/lets-just-friends-289137/
I actually sent him a friend request (probably a stupid move in my part considering he was my doctor for the day) so we'll see what happens
I don't know how I missed this thread. Brilliant, got one myself a few from this past year at Uni in the States - quite long and probably not worth it, but it's definately something you'd only ever get in a movie (or my life)
I took one girl to my fraternity's formal invitation dance- normally an easy way to get a girl
It was my first semester in the fraternity, and I was in the middle of pledging (hazing). one member of each new pledge class has to run naked around the bar/club that we rent out for the night - I happened to be that person. I neglected to tell her I would be doing a naked run until we were on the bus to the club, she laughed it off, already quite drunk. Things were looking up...
the other fraternity members were getting me smashed in preparation, and I was completed pissed up. at some point, i did my naked lap, getting tackled on the dance floor by my best friends in the process. The bartender took a picture of me naked which has since been pinned up on the wall behind the bar. I gotback in my clothes and am going to see the girl when the alcohol finally wins. Run outside, puking everywhere in the parking lot with the girl watching out the window. I spend the next two hours of the night in disarray behind a dumpster in the parking lot, vomiting intermittenly. I eventually got back to the fraternity house and pass out for the night.
The next morn' I call her to say sorry and ask if she still had a good time etc... I thought from her tone and the dismissive texts she was sending that I was fecked (as youd expect). So, I said feck it and forgot about her.
About 2 months later a buddy of mine had talked to her at a bar, and she had told him that she had a fantastic time with me, liked me a lot, but couldn't figure out why I had stopped calling and talking with her. She now had a boyfriend but said she wasn't too into him and would leave him for me. He told me and I was well pissed off with myself - I decided I would take action
That same night, some friends and i smoked some weed until late. I walked home alone and was on a very lonely trail through a park back to my flat. There was someone walking the other way in the distance. Now, I have dreadful eyesight and, before I knew it, was right next to this very same girl. she was right there, we were alone, and we both stopped dead in our tracks. She took a step towards me, we were quiet for a second and then she said, "do you have something to say to me?" and I looked back and said "I am high as balls right now, peace"
drugs suck
I took one girl to my fraternity's formal invitation dance- normally an easy way to get a girl
It was my first semester in the fraternity, and I was in the middle of pledging (hazing). one member of each new pledge class has to run naked around the bar/club that we rent out for the night - I happened to be that person. I neglected to tell her I would be doing a naked run until we were on the bus to the club, she laughed it off, already quite drunk. Things were looking up...
the other fraternity members were getting me smashed in preparation, and I was completed pissed up. at some point, i did my naked lap, getting tackled on the dance floor by my best friends in the process. The bartender took a picture of me naked which has since been pinned up on the wall behind the bar. I gotback in my clothes and am going to see the girl when the alcohol finally wins. Run outside, puking everywhere in the parking lot with the girl watching out the window. I spend the next two hours of the night in disarray behind a dumpster in the parking lot, vomiting intermittenly. I eventually got back to the fraternity house and pass out for the night.
The next morn' I call her to say sorry and ask if she still had a good time etc... I thought from her tone and the dismissive texts she was sending that I was fecked (as youd expect). So, I said feck it and forgot about her.
About 2 months later a buddy of mine had talked to her at a bar, and she had told him that she had a fantastic time with me, liked me a lot, but couldn't figure out why I had stopped calling and talking with her. She now had a boyfriend but said she wasn't too into him and would leave him for me. He told me and I was well pissed off with myself - I decided I would take action
That same night, some friends and i smoked some weed until late. I walked home alone and was on a very lonely trail through a park back to my flat. There was someone walking the other way in the distance. Now, I have dreadful eyesight and, before I knew it, was right next to this very same girl. she was right there, we were alone, and we both stopped dead in our tracks. She took a step towards me, we were quiet for a second and then she said, "do you have something to say to me?" and I looked back and said "I am high as balls right now, peace"
drugs suck