Who would you choose to own Manchester United?

Florida Man

Cartoon expert and crap superhero
Joined
Jan 24, 2014
Messages
11,569
Location
Florida, man
There's a lot of disagreement on the caf lately. But we can all agree that the Glazers are an oily gang of cnuts. Let's just say for argument's sake that something happened — I'll leave it up to your imagination — and they’re not our owners anymore. Time to choose a new one. Who they gonna be?

Some leading candidates based on wealth, power, and potential interest.

1. Kingdom of Saudi Arabia



Once heavily rumored last year and still debated by fans worldwide to this day. They denied all the rumors in public, but they can't deny how enticing the opportunity is. And at the humble price of $4B, they could easily swoop it up. We'd be able to afford any player to fulfill even the wildest muppet fantasies, but at the cost of selling our soul. But hey, what would a Red Devil be if we didn't sell our soul? And it would be hard to hear the cries of the tortured souls in KSA when we're celebrating our next Treble.


2. Jim Ratcliffe



I've never heard of this guy until two minutes ago but I'm going to write like I'm an expert on him anyway. He's done it all. Finance. Cuisine. Entrepreneurship. The Arts. But what challenge lies ahead for a bored billionaire? The only answer is football. Jim is a huge United fan, and is reported to be worth between £12–21B. Going by the lowest number, £12B - £4B is still a whopping £8B. If my calculations are correct, he'd still be a billionaire. Hardly a risky investment for him. And with him being a fan, it's certain he'll want to see us winning again in no time. He's already bought Nice and that could be the grounds for a farmers team.


3. Kim Jong Un



It was revealed a couple of years ago that he's a huge United fan so this could be promising. Now I know some people say he killed a few people in his country, but who's keeping count these days? At least he never said a curse word on live television or flashed a nipple. How many of us have been crying out for a hard man who will whip our social media-obsessed team of overgrown kids into shape? Well you can't get harder than a literal hard man (politically, not physically). If he wants a deal done, he'll get it done. If he wants a manager to perform, he'll demand it. If he wants a player to give 110%, he'll ensure it. Failure to do any of the above will result in an immediate sacking and subsequently thrown over a bridge.


4. Tim Apple Cook



It's not certain if he's a United fan, but he runs the world's only trillion dollar company, so that's gotta be worth entertaining. Apple is without a doubt the gold standard in personal computing where all products are sleek, fast, durable, well-functioned, and expensive. You wanna know what isn't that? Our squad, except for the expensive part. Get this guy and watch our profits not only soar, but so will our "flagship product" in the table. We'll get the most modern up-to-date stadium where every seat is a smart seat and our official shop will look like an Apple store complete with a genius bar of top reds who know everything about United. We'll not only get the best players, but we'll implant AI computer chips into their heads to ensure maximized footballing intelligence. Imagine Fred becoming a prime Xavi.
 

Mark Pawelek

Full Member
Joined
Apr 9, 2014
Messages
1,541
Location
Kent, near London
Asset strippers and hedge funds. MUFC shares must be at the lowest level for sometime. Just need to tart the outfit up a bit and move the shares on sometime in future when the price-to-dividend ratio looks good again. The notion that anyone will pay more than $3B for United seems very fanciful. Yet it it would still be a hansom profit for Glazers and would free up their capital to wreck havoc at some other football club. What they need to do - share the pain.
 

Eric7C

New Member
Joined
Aug 10, 2015
Messages
1,000
4. Tim Apple Cook



It's not certain if he's a United fan, but he runs the world's only trillion dollar company, so that's gotta be worth entertaining. Apple is without a doubt the gold standard in personal computing where all products are sleek, fast, durable, well-functioned, and expensive. You wanna know what isn't that? Our squad, except for the expensive part. Get this guy and watch our profits not only soar, but so will our "flagship product" in the table. We'll get the most modern up-to-date stadium where every seat is a smart seat and our official shop will look like an Apple store complete with a genius bar of top reds who know everything about United. We'll not only get the best players, but we'll implant AI computer chips into their heads to ensure maximized footballing intelligence. Imagine Fred becoming a prime Xavi.
You haven't been keeping up with Apple :lol:
 

Pexbo

Online influencer who has never watched Star Wars
Joined
Jun 2, 2009
Messages
45,972
Location
Brizzle
Any of them come, I'd fecking support something else.
Wow what a commendable moral stance. Please do go on to explain who you have been continuing to support for the last 15+ years.
 
Joined
Dec 21, 2014
Messages
3,201
Location
Manchester
Jeff Bezos

I'd let him rename Old Trafford the Amazon Arena. Who gives a feck? The guy is worth $110 billion.
 

JPB

New Member
Newbie
Joined
Dec 5, 2018
Messages
156
Kim Jong fecking Un :lol:
You can't be serious. The guy's a criminal who kidnaps, tortures and murders people.
 

roonster09

Correctly predicted France to win World Cup 2018
Scout
Joined
May 10, 2009
Messages
22,230
Not sure how true this is btw.

 

ArjenIsM3

Full Member
Joined
Sep 16, 2015
Messages
3,009
Location
Netherlands
I prefer options 2 and 4 but 1 would be better than our current situation too. Option 3 would see us nuked after we inevitably lose to the likes of Liverpool and City.
 

Will Singh

Full Member
Joined
Jun 19, 2013
Messages
4,482
Location
Theatre of dreams
Big Hong Kong based billionaires are now buying assets outside there country so who knows, the biggest asset company out there is about to take over Green King Brewery and it’s just the start..who knows, anything but those Glazer cnuts!
 

Zlatattack

Full Member
Joined
Feb 9, 2017
Messages
4,904
The most likely to splash cash like it doesn't matter are the Saudi's. Considering they haven't worked to earn it, they'd fit right in with a lot of our first team too.
 

Zlatattack

Full Member
Joined
Feb 9, 2017
Messages
4,904
Actually the Amazon guy is a good shout. He sounds like a man who knows what he wants.
 

PaulRich

Full Member
Joined
Jan 7, 2014
Messages
787
Kim Jong fecking Un :lol:
You can't be serious. The guy's a criminal who kidnaps, tortures and murders people.
Replace the bolded with Tony B.liar, George Bush, Donald Trump.

If the Saudi money gets offered take it - feck any moral high ground. If we're going to question morality we may as well ask Adidas how much they pay the kids sewing our shirts together?? Workers rights in the factories of our official Noodle partner or whoever Ed's signed up this year?? Catering staff in our VIP suites on zero hour contracts?? Where to we end?
 

711

Full Member
Scout
Joined
Dec 10, 2007
Messages
20,047
Location
Don't Sign Old Players
We should petition Corbyn to nationalise all the clubs and give them to elected fan committees. What could go wrong?
 

RUCK4444

New Member
Newbie
Joined
Feb 3, 2015
Messages
762
Location
FIFA Headquarters
I believe in terms of football and success the Saudi’s are the best possible owners.

They have Endless Money.

They will have the Desire to be the absolute best.

They Will want to out perform the other Mega rich club owners.

They will pump huge money into Old Trafford and the training facilities.

They will no doubt gut the entire management hierarchy including Ed.

You can’t over estimate the endless money point above, any businessman will want a return on investment. City have been fast tracked because their owners simply are not interested in profit returns.

We have money, that’s not the issue, the benefit would be owners that would spend that entire budget without looking to suck dividends and loan payments out of it.

It’s not ridiculous to demand an owner that lets us operate to our absolute limit, see Madrid, Barca, PSG, City.
We are one of the biggest clubs in football, we absolutely must be able to operate in same way as our rivals or any success will be short lived.

I’ve argued in other threads about the moral conflict of accepting the Saudi’s as owners.
In my opinion the more ties they have to westernised brands/businesses the better, if you think about it, the more we are connected to them the more the spotlight will be on them.
Any benefit of ‘soft-power’ that people argue they want to gain would be hampered by negative press after more atrocities.
United sell papers and make headlines and the new owners would be well aware of that.
 

Betson

Full Member
Joined
Dec 26, 2012
Messages
836
Has to be Kim Jong Un , imagine knowing you could face a firing squad every time you lost a match , no better motivation for player or manager than that.
 

Reynoldo

Full Member
Joined
Dec 7, 2006
Messages
4,020
Location
Dublin
I believe in terms of football and success the Saudi’s are the best possible owners.

They have Endless Money.

They will have the Desire to be the absolute best.

They Will want to out perform the other Mega rich club owners.

They will pump huge money into Old Trafford and the training facilities.

They will no doubt gut the entire management hierarchy including Ed.

You can’t over estimate the endless money point above, any businessman will want a return on investment. City have been fast tracked because their owners simply are not interested in profit returns.

We have money, that’s not the issue, the benefit would be owners that would spend that entire budget without looking to suck dividends and loan payments out of it.

It’s not ridiculous to demand an owner that lets us operate to our absolute limit, see Madrid, Barca, PSG, City.
We are one of the biggest clubs in football, we absolutely must be able to operate in same way as our rivals or any success will be short lived.

I’ve argued in other threads about the moral conflict of accepting the Saudi’s as owners.
In my opinion the more ties they have to westernised brands/businesses the better, if you think about it, the more we are connected to them the more the spotlight will be on them.
Any benefit of ‘soft-power’ that people argue they want to gain would be hampered by negative press after more atrocities.
United sell papers and make headlines and the new owners would be well aware of that.
Your location makes sense ;)
 

el diablorojo

Full Member
Joined
Nov 18, 2010
Messages
198
In a fantasy world it would be a United fan with BIG pockets and a proper vision for the club. Having spent many years watching Brentford scrabble around the bottom two divisions and be screwed over by a couple of charlatan owners, the relief to be saved by a fan with the money to finance the club but also the skill, knowledge and vision to run the club at a higher level competing against far, traditionally, bigger clubs has been amazing. Buying Brentford and buying United though are two very different scenarios :)
 

freeurmind

weak willed
Joined
Mar 10, 2017
Messages
4,733
Location
The back of the OLE Bus.
None of them. I'd rather United go into receivership and be reformed being owned by the supporters trust with all profits going back into the club or towards community projects in Manchester and the North-West. Rather that than selling them club to more billionaire cnuts.
 

HowieC

New Member
Newbie
Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
84
We need a corporate raider PE fund to do a leveraged buyout on United contributing only 200$ m in equity, while loading us up in debt.

Our cashflow would completely be used up to pay down debt. We would sell Pogba for 160$ m and these nasty pe dudes would find a way to get rashford off our books (no one will pay for him)

In 3 years we would be sold to a random asian billionaire who will rule as a benevolent dictator, rearranging old trafford according to the whims of feng shui.
 

Green_Red

Full Member
Joined
May 29, 2013
Messages
7,406
Us. I would happily give up any dividends on shares so that it could reinvested into the club.
 

Untd55

Full Member
Joined
Feb 28, 2018
Messages
583
Us. I would happily give up any dividends on shares so that it could reinvested into the club.
Sure you would. I bet if you saw a nice sizeable dividend you would throw those ideals straight out of the window. I know I would.
 

EverReddy

Full Member
Joined
Jan 3, 2010
Messages
1,464
Location
A bit fupped duck
The soon to be richest man in the world is a United fan. Saudi's time at the top of the heap will last only another few years - definitely less than 10.